


Ready For Another Life

by sinners0prayer



Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Zombie Apocalypse, Alternate Universe - No Zombies, Angst, Developing Relationship, Drama, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Enemies to Lovers, Grief/Mourning, Heavy Angst, M/M, Romance, Slow Burn, Spiritual, Supernatural Elements, its a journey and theres some uphill climbs, warning you this fic gets heavy and emotional but it will not always be sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-15
Updated: 2017-06-10
Packaged: 2018-09-17 18:57:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 27
Words: 113,133
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9338588
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sinners0prayer/pseuds/sinners0prayer
Summary: The last thing Rick Grimes remembers is Negan swinging Lucille down onto his head, and then he's waking up in a hospital bed from a coma. All he can remember is the life he had been living before, and he doesn't understand why nothing is adding up. Then Carl walks in, and everything seems worth the nightmares until a man he never wanted to see again appears in the doorway. And then suddenly he's faced with a reality that isn't his, one where he has been in a relationship with Negan for years. And now Rick needs to figure out what the hell is going on, and why any version of himself would ever fall for a man like Negan.





	1. Poison

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Русский available: [Готов к другой жизни / Ready For Another Life [In Russian]](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11823102) by [sinners0prayer](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sinners0prayer/pseuds/sinners0prayer)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey all! I hope you enjoy this first chapter of my new Regan fic. There's still a lot to go with Lucky Like A Black Cat, but I just can't help myself and wait. I even have another AU I'm working on too so it's just endless screaming on my end. Updates probably won' t be as rapid as LLABC has been, because I need to chill out, but I'm very excited about all the ideas I have! I also wanted to say the recent events of 'Shelter From The Storm' (CH 18) by sodium_amytal inspired this idea <3

The last thing Rick Grimes remembers before blacking out was Negan finally,  _ finally _ swinging Lucille down onto his head.

And then he was waking up in a sterile hospital room.

The first thing Rick thought of was Grady’s. And he panicked, thinking about Beth, and how close he had been. How close she had been. They all made stupid decisions, didn’t they?

The second thing Rick thought of was everything else, all at once, rushing through his veins like frostbite. Why was he here?

For a moment, Rick thought that it all felt too familiar.

The first thing Rick felt was his face, clean shaven, and maybe he was right and everything he had experienced the last two or so years was a horrible coma dream and that he was being silly, he had been shot on duty, that was all. Walkers didn’t exist.

The second thing Rick felt was the top of his head, it was still there, intact. Which made Rick think that yes, it had been a dream. A horrible dream where he somehow managed to conjure up personalities and appearances of tens of strangers, including that of his own daughter Judith. He felt a pang in his chest when he thought about how she didn’t exist, even if she had existed under terrible circumstances.

And then a doctor ran in, and it was Denise. Denise, who Rick had never met previously, who was shot with his right hand man Daryl Dixon’s crossbow. But there she was.

‘You heard her voice.’ His brain told him. But then why did she look exactly the same?

She rushed over to his side, checked his vitals, looked into his eyes and removed several of the tubes and medical devices that Rick recognized from his first coma. She placed a hand gently on his forehead and asked how he was doing. But Rick didn’t know what to say, so he just let her do what she had to do. She told him to try not to move anymore. And then she left, to ‘tell his family’.

His family. Lori and Carl, but his head was still spinning, thinking about the past two years. About Glenn, Abraham, Maggie, Michonne. About the family he had lost. Gained. Lost again. It was too vivid, he thought, there was something wrong. There had to be.

And then Carl ran in.

“Dad!” Carl shouted, a little too loud, and he threw his arms around Rick.

Rick caught Carl’s embrace with weak arms, but put them down by his sides immediately after. How long had he been asleep? The events of his dream, or as he was now referring to it, were still strong in his mind, like they had never been a dream at all. But here was Carl, with two eyes and a wide smile, and it had to have been a dream.

“Carl.” Rick said, his voice shaky at the prospect of living in a world where the undead didn’t tear apart the flesh of his loved ones. And in a world where evil men didn’t laugh while swinging deadly baseball bats.

“Where’s mom?” Rick asked, feeling strange asking the question, but he felt he had to push past the nightmare and try to not react to the room around him in fear and confusion.

Carl pulled away. “Dad, Mom’s been gone for five years.”

It didn’t hit Rick the way he figured Carl would think it would, because he had already gone through the rough months of losing her already. And for a moment Rick thought maybe he was still in his own universe after all, until Carl said five years. Then he noticed that while Carl didn’t look that much older, there was still something about him that made him  _ feel _ he was older.

“Carl…Is Judith here?” Rick asked, furrowing his brow.

“No, she’s at school. She’s going to be so happy.” Carl said, tears springing in his eyes that made Rick choke up too.

“How long have I been out?” Rick asked, expecting Carl to say two years, and then the life he had lived would have made sense. But before Carl responded, Rick had a moment to think that no matter what Carl said it wouldn’t make sense.

If Judith was five years old, and Lori was already gone, then Rick hadn’t been shot the way he remembered he had been shot. So that was a part of the dream too. How far did it go back? How much had he dreamed, imagined? Did it go back to the beginning of his life? Was any memory Rick had real?

Carl sat at Rick’s side. “You’ve been out for almost two months.”

“Was I…shot on duty?” Rick asked.

“Yeah.” Carl said, “Do you remember it?”

Rick closed his eyes. ‘Yes, but not the way it really happened.’ He wanted to say.

“Not really.” He said, opening his eyes. His voice was hoarse and scratched his throat.

“Was Shane there?” Rick asked, and vivid memories that felt too real were flashing in his brain, the last one of Carl pointing a gun at his partner and shooting an undead version of Shane that was standing behind Rick.

“Yeah, of course.” Carl said, and the way he said it made Rick think that maybe there had been no affair. That maybe in this world he woke up in, Judith was actually his.

There was a buzz on Carl’s phone, Carl took it out of his pocket, looked at it, sent a text, and put it back. He looked at Rick.

“So Judith’s alright? You’re alright?” Rick asked, trying very hard to slide into this new life.

“Yeah, all three of us are fine. But we missed you.” Carl said.

Rick closed his eyes and Carl squeezed his hand. Regardless of whatever nightmare he had been living inside his coma, his kids were alright. And that was all that mattered.

“Wait…” Rick said, opening his eyes, “All three of us?”

Michonne flashed in his mind. Maybe they had gotten together in his dream because they were together in real life. Of course. And he felt excited to see her, even if he couldn’t remember his real life for the time being, she would listen. And she wouldn’t think he was crazy. She would hold him and tell him everything was ok. That they would work through this together.

Before Carl could reply, there was a loud audible sigh from the doorway.

“So sleeping beauty has finally woken up after all.”

And while the voice was shaky and emotional, it was also unmistakable.

Rick felt that icy hot feeling return to his veins, felt his heart drop into his stomach, beating wildly all the way down. His brain overflowed with responses from senses he wasn’t sure existed, and he swore he heard the sound of blood in his ears. It was the same sound he heard when he had met this person for the first time. And the second. And the third.

And then Negan walked into the room.

Rick sat up faster than he ever should’ve after waking up from a coma, he felt his breath leave his throat and not come back, and he shuffled back as far as he could in the hospital bed until he was against the wall, dragging ivs with him. Carl jumped back in surprise as he watched Rick panic in front of him.

Rick couldn’t get the words out. But he let out some shaky protests and the beginning of some words neither Carl nor Negan could figure out.

“Dad.” Carl said.

Negan approached slowly, and Rick felt himself shrinking back into the wall like a cornered animal, body shaking. Negan stopped.

“Nnn.” The words were making their escape, until Rick was screaming in a panicked voice. “No!”

“Rick.” Negan said, his voice hurt. “ _ Hon _ , what’s wrong?”

If Rick’s eyes could have grown any wider they would have. He felt his hands swing back and grab the wall, and he took one and grabbed Carl, pulling him closer to the back of the bed, his arms feeling heavy and asleep.

“Dad!” Carl said, “Dad what’s the matter with you?”

Rick was breathing heavily, his body felt weak but tense, and tears were falling down his face before he could stop them.

“I’m going to get Denise.” Negan said, and he stepped backwards, gave Rick a sad look, and walked out the door.

“Carl. Carl.  _ Carl. _ ” Rick said after each ragged breath. “We need to get out of here.”

“Dad, calm down, you need to lay back down. You shouldn’t be moving.” Carl said, his voice gentle.

Rick swallowed hard, nearly choking on spit. He shook his head like he was a broken animatronic.

Denise appeared with Negan on her heels.

“Rick…Rick,” She said, approaching. “Please calm down.”

“No!” Rick shouted.

Denise told Carl and Negan to leave the room while a nurse rushed in.

“Beth…” Rick said, calming down for a second.

She smiled at him and walked over, “It’s good to see you awake. It’s okay to feel scared. It’s going to be okay.”

“B-b-but…” Rick started, letting them ease him back into lying down. “But why is  _ he _ here?”

He looked at them with scared eyes, trying to make them see what he had seen. But Beth wouldn’t have known, and Denise hadn’t made it that far.

“ _ He’s fucking crazy _ .” Rick said, his voice going high pitched as more memories attacked his thoughts.

“Beth,” Rick choked, “He killed Glenn.” And Rick broke into a sob before collecting himself.

Beth looked at Denise.

“Rick,” Denise began, “It’s normal to have intense dreams being under the way you were. But everything is alright. You’re safe.”

“Glenn is fine.” Beth said. “He was in here the other day.”

“I don’t understand.” Rick hissed. “Why was he in here?”

Beth looked surprised. “Glenn? I-

“No!  _ Negan _ .” And the name might as well have been poison.

Denise and Beth exchanged the same kind of glance as earlier.

“Rick,” Denise said, “Negan is your fiancé.”

Rick felt the hair on his body stand on end. No. That was not right. That was ridiculous. That was stupid. That was a joke.  _ That was funny. _ And Rick would have laughed if he wasn’t so goddamn terrified of the man.  

“That…you’re shitting me.” Rick whispered, his eyes flitting to the ceiling light above.

“You’ve been together for four years.” Beth said gently. “Rick, what else are you having a hard time remembering?”

Rick closed his eyes; he could see it now, months of intense psychological therapy that he didn’t want to deal with. What would happen to him when he told them that all he could remember was a life where the world turned to shit and the undead roamed the earth? That his best reaction to dealing with shit was to kill it? Oh, and that Negan was a baseball bat wielding maniac who almost made him chop off the arm of his son? That would go over well.

“I just…” Rick said, not sure what to say. “I…wait…no, I’m…I feel like I’m remembering.” It was a lie, but Rick was still in survival mode, and maybe a pre-apocalypse era him would have done the right thing and been honest. But Rick didn’t know that person anymore.

Denise touched the top of his hand. “It’s going to be alright. We need you to stay in bed though. Or else we’ll have to restrain you.”

Rick laid his head down on the pillow. In a sick and twisted way, he almost begged to be woken up back in his own universe. The one where he was currently being violently murdered by the man that had just called him “hon” in all sincerity. Rick knew he had done a lot of bad things in his life, but if there was a heaven and a hell, surely he had a case for the former? Surely almost everything he had done could be justified in some version of court where his sentence wasn’t to wake up like  _ this _ ? And then he slipped into unconsciousness again.


	2. Ill

When Rick woke up it was dark outside, and his room was dim. He looked at the call button and hesitated. He wanted to be alone in his thoughts for a while. He could feel the weakness in his body, and was afraid to finally see how he looked after nearly eight weeks of being asleep. He gave a deep breath and shuffled in his bed.

“Rick?” A voice came from a dark corner.

Rick stiffened and closed his eyes. But he couldn’t stop his hands from shaking, so he gave up quickly and opened his eyes. Negan had walked over and was now looming over him like the grim reaper.

Rick felt himself sink further into his bed, if possible.

“Rick.” Negan said in a gentle voice. “How are you?”

Rick didn’t say anything.

“Denise said that…you flatlined right before you woke up. That’s not…normal.” Negan said quietly. “This is a goddamn miracle, Rick.”

“You shouldn’t be here.” Rick said, his voice weak and angry, but mostly scared, and he hated how obvious it was.

Negan blinked. “Why?”

“Because!” Rick hissed. “I don’t give a shit what they say, _we’re not together_.”

Negan sighed. “You’ve been through a lot of trauma. We’re going to make it through this.”

A million responses wanted to burst out of Rick, but all of them boiled down to “You better stay away from me.” And it came out just as scared as his other words, because this was a man he couldn’t talk back to, and here was, lying vulnerable and weak in a hospital bed.

But Negan wasn’t listening to him, why wouldn’t he listen? Rick felt his body shaking, the powerful façade he had tried to conjure was fading as fast as it had come. Negan put a hand on Rick’s forehead and ran his fingers through his hair. Rick’s breathing was shallow and scared, and he felt a wet warmth encompass the latter half of his sheets without warning. He jerked his head away from Negan’s hand and looked down.

“It’s okay.” Negan said, peeling the bedsheet off Rick. Negan pushed Rick’s dry shirt up and hooked his fingers into the elastic of Rick’s now soaked hospital pants.

Rick grabbed weakly at Negan’s wrist and tried to stare him down.  It did enough, and Negan removed his hands and sighed. He gave Rick that same sad look and left the room.

Denise walked in with Negan, who stood awkwardly by the back wall, finally getting the memo. But Rick could feel his body temperature rising as Negan watched Denise clean up his bed and put new pants on him. But Rick wasn’t embarrassed, he was just angry. Denise left for a moment.

“Rick I know you’re _pissed_ at me.” Negan said from his place against the wall, and if Rick wasn’t so weak, he would have jumped out and killed him.

Negan stood there awkwardly for a second. “Sorry. I thought you’d find that…funny…”

Rick’s hands made weak fists; he didn’t know exactly which action had made him deserve this, so he simply regretted all of them. Before Negan could say anything else, Denise walked back in. There was an awkward silence, and Negan shuffled where he stood before leaving without saying anything. But he seemed to just be waiting for Denise, because he could hear their voices outside in the hall, and then Negan was back in the room. He closed the door and walked over.

“She says you had some bad dreams, but that you’re remembering me.” Negan said, his voice too gentle for what Rick knew to be his nature.

Rick stared up at Negan with as much hatred as he could conjure. “I said that to her. And you’re not going to tell her otherwise.”

“Tell me what’s going on.” Negan murmured, reaching a hand over as if by instinct before drawing it away.

“What’s going on is I hate your fucking guts.” Rick said. “And I’m trying to get out of here as fast as possible so I can figure out what the fuck is going on.”

“Well, ‘what the fuck is going on’ is that you had a traumatic injury and your brain isn’t remembering everything the way it should. That’s what therapy is for.” Negan said.

And Rick thought he was probably right. In the next 48 hours, perhaps the dreams would start to wear off and Rick’s real memories would return. But he couldn’t shake the feeling that there _were_ no other real memories. And he was afraid to tell Denise that his entire life was lost to him, and all he could remember was a version of events that never happened. And how goddamn not normal that sounded.

“And you better fucking whip yourself into shape like usual, because I’m not bringing Judith here until you do.” Negan said, and Rick nearly went ballistic.

“ _You can’t keep my baby from me_.” Rick said, but his voice was pitiful.

“I’m not bringing her here when you’re like this.” Negan said.

And Rick felt sick just at the thought of Negan living in his house and taking care of his kids.

Rick didn’t know how to respond, but he was getting really sick of Negan giving him a sad look that shouldn’t exist on a man like that.

The next two weeks Rick did his best to heal and recover. Negan had kept to his word about keeping Judith away, which had to be difficult. Rick didn’t receive a lot of guests, even Negan kept away, perhaps in the hopes that Rick’s memories would return. Word had spread that Rick was having a hard time, and he tried to hide it better as the days went on. He even tried to act warm towards Negan; because the sooner he got out of the hospital the sooner he could get away from him, somehow.

He wondered if Negan could tell, because even when he lied and said he was remembering, he was still behaving coldly. But Negan didn’t say anything, and Rick had a disturbing feeling that it was because this version of Negan wanted things back to normal. And Rick couldn’t agree more. He wished that whatever Rick had been inhabiting this body before him would just come back. And he felt disgusted that there was any version of himself that would fall for Negan. He didn’t care about the state of the world; evil men are evil despite their circumstances.

Every time Negan was alone in the room with him, Rick held his breath, he was constantly waiting for Negan to pull out Lucille and finish what he had started.

‘Think you can chase me across lifetimes? Run away?’ Negan’s voice said in his head. ‘I’ll show you just how motherfucking not cool that is.’

When Carl was with him, he tried to find out everything he could. They had met because Negan was Carl’s gym teacher, they had started dating for some ungodly reason, and somehow they were engaged. And Carl _liked_ him.

‘Come on Carl,’ Rick wanted to say, ‘What happened to shooting his men and wanting him dead?’

And even though the entirety of his days were overwhelming, he found himself enjoying that, for the time being, he was back in a pre-Walker world.

It occurred to Rick one afternoon that maybe this was a dream. Maybe Negan had bludgeoned him only a little bit and he was currently in the Hilltop’s hospital trailer recovering from a brain injury that he had somehow survived. In another sick way, Rick would gladly wake up to that being fact.

The day Rick was discharged he almost didn’t believe the world around him. He had stared out the hospital windows, but being outside was an entirely different animal. He held his breath as Negan pushed his wheelchair. And Carl helped Rick stand as Negan pulled his car around. Rick had gained back some of the weight he had lost, but he had a while to go before he would be back to normal. According to Denise, anyway, but Rick thought he looked just like he had before.

Rick couldn’t help but look wildly around, checking his surroundings, and he figured the habit would never go away. But it had to, right? His dreams would fade. But he was two weeks out and they were still just as vivid.

Carl helped Rick into the backseat, and he hesitated but got in. It was better than being stuck in the hospital. And Rick was going to need to get strong again to deal with whatever the fuck it was he was dealing with.

Negan looked at Rick in the rearview mirror and drove off. Rick held his breath again, thinking about how Judith was at home waiting for him. Only she wasn’t a toddler, she was almost 5 years old and in kindergarten. And she knew a version of him that he didn’t.

He felt himself holding back tears when Negan pulled up alongside the house. Maggie was running around the lawn with Judith, and Glenn was sitting on the porch step taking photos with a Polaroid. Rick couldn’t help but break down in sobs, his head falling against the window.

“Dad!” Carl said, getting out of the passenger side and opening Rick’s door. Rick had clawed his seatbelt off and was about to fall out of the car when Carl caught him.

Glenn walked over immediately, and once Rick was standing he flung himself into Glenn’s arms and sobbed.

“Woah, Rick.” Glenn said, clearing his throat. “It’s okay.”

And suddenly Rick didn’t want to wake up in his own world, but then he felt Negan’s hand on his shoulder. And he wanted to look at Glenn and go “want to kill this bastard?”, but how could he? And then Judith was running into his arms, and he was crying even more.

“Daddy!” She said.

Rick held her tight. “Baby I missed you so much. I’m so glad you’re alright.” And there was something different about her, something in the eyes.

“Papa said you’d wake up soon!” She said.

Rick felt his body freeze. But he hadn’t misheard her. His daughter had really called the maniac behind him ‘papa’.

“Rick.” Maggie’s voice said, interrupting his sheer terror. He looked up and saw her smiling down at him. “Welcome home.”

Maggie and Glenn stayed for a while as Negan cooked lunch for Rick. Rick stared at him from the armchair in the living room, his legs drawn to his chest, Judith was squeezed in next to him, and all he could think about was getting up, walking into the kitchen, grabbing Negan by the scruff of the neck and slamming his head into the pot of boiling water. There was one way to do it. It was an option.

“Here Judith come here and give Dad some room.” Carl said.

“Okay.” Judith said, and she hopped off the seat.

Rick wanted to grab her back and hold her tight, hiss at Carl to come over too, and they wouldn’t let the wolf in the kitchen any closer. Too many things he wanted to do and just couldn’t.

Maggie and Glenn left, Glenn squeezed Rick’s shoulder and Maggie kissed his cheek. And he closed his eyes and suppressed his tears. His hands gripped the sides of the armchair as Negan approached with a plate.

“Your favorite.” Negan said, handing him a plate of spaghetti and a shit ton of bread.

Rick gave him an unimpressed look. Any food was Rick’s goddamn favorite at this stage of his life, but what was this shit? Like some kind of fucked up inside joke?

Rick took the food and ate it even though he didn’t want to. He had to get strong.

“See? Same old Dad.” Negan said, exposing a rabbit toothed smile that put the fear of God in Rick. He tried to channel that fear into anger.

Over the next hours, Rick attempted to fit into a life he didn’t belong in. And Rick had been right, Carl was older. 18 to be exact, and he was going into his first semester at college in the spring, he had delayed his acceptance because of Rick’s coma. It was mid October, and Rick wondered how long he’d spend in this reality until he woke up. But he was starting to confuse himself, the events of his coma dream felt too real to be a dream, but the events of his life right now felt too real to be a dream either. At some point Rick closed his eyes and fell asleep on the couch.

A hand woke him up gently.

Rick flinched away from Negan’s hand. It was dark.

“Rick. What the fuck is going on?” Negan said in a pained voice.

“We’re getting a divorce.” Rick said quickly. “If this is really my life then you sure as hell aren’t going to be a part of it.”

“We’re not married.”

“Good. Makes it easier then. I don’t want you in my house.”

“Rick,” Negan said, “We bought this house together, don’t you remember?”

“I don’t care. We’re not doing this. I’m not going to be with you o-or kiss you or fuck you or whatever it is you…” But Rick didn’t know where he was going with that, the thought of Negan touching him in a romantic way made him feel physically ill.

“You’re getting some goddamn fucking therapy.” Negan said, his voice starting to get angry and reminiscent of the voice Rick had come to know. “You wouldn’t be saying this if you were in the right frame of mind.”

Rick stared at him. “Maybe you’re right. But I’m not the same Rick.” And he meant it. Whichever Rick had been around before had stepped out when he stepped in. Clearly. Because for Rick, there was no other explanation.

“Just come to bed and we’ll talk about it in the morning.” Negan said.

Rick scoffed. “Come to bed? I don’t think so. I’m going to go to bed, and you’re going to stay down here.”

“Rick, you can’t make me sleep on the couch in my own house.” Negan sighed but relented. “Fine. But let me help you up the stairs.”

“There’s a railing is there not? I think I can handle it.” Rick growled.

“Rick, don’t be fucking stupid.” Negan said, and before Rick knew it Negan had his arms around him and was helping him up the stairs.

Rick looked around; he didn’t recognize any aspect of this house. How could he forget so much? He got into the bed and looked at Negan staring at him. “Can you get out of here?”

Negan ran his fingers through his hair, sighed, and walked out of the bedroom.

‘Ok,’ Rick thought to himself, ‘Now tomorrow I’ll really wake up. Or be dead. Or something.’

Rick closed his eyes and fell asleep.

He was having a dream. A real dream. He couldn’t see anything at first, then a lamp turned on, but it was emitting an ominous red light. Rick thought he must be in hell, the devil had gotten tired of conjuring up a fake world for Rick to live in, and now he was in its true version. He was on a bed, or so he assumed, because everything was pitch black, and when he sat up, a hand he couldn’t see reached out and shoved him down.

“Hey hon.” Negan’s voice said, and suddenly his hand was on Rick’s throat.

Rick realized he wasn’t wearing anything, and his brain was screaming in danger. He felt pressure around his neck as Negan leaned his face out of the darkness and into Rick’s vision, skin and eyes illuminated in red. Rick couldn’t tell if he was clothed or not, but it didn’t really matter.

“Weren’t we in the middle of something?” Negan said. “Before you so rudely jumped ship?”

Rick couldn’t speak; his brain was going 1,000 miles an hour. Even if Negan’s hand wasn’t around his throat, he still wouldn’t be able to speak.

“I guess we can think of other things to do to your pretty face.”

Rick cried out, straining his neck to get away. He reached his hand to the side, as if knowing something would be there. He felt the handle of something, and realized it was a straight razor. He flicked it open and before Negan could touch him anywhere else, he shoved it clumsily into his throat. And even though it was a bad attempt, his dream allowed him to land a direct hit. Unreal amounts of blood poured out of Negan’s body and onto Rick. Rick felt himself drowning and choking, blood soaking into his skin, rushing down onto him as though he stuck his head under a waterfall. And then Rick was left sitting upright on the bed, coated in thick dripping blood.

Rick woke up and sat up, arms shaking as they gripped the blankets. He gasped for air, and when he moved his legs he felt the familiar feeling of soaked sheets. He fell back down. Great.

Rick rolled out of the bed and stood up, he started to try and yank the sheets off himself, but it was proving difficult. Carl appeared in his doorway in time to watch his dad fall.

“Dad! What are you doing?” Carl asked, “Where’s Negan?”

“Downstairs.” Rick muttered, and before he knew it there was a goddamn congregation in his bedroom.

“Rick. What are you doing.” Negan sighed, and he turned on the light.

Rick looked at Negan, who was wearing nothing but boxer briefs. He closed his eyes and looked away, none of this was happening. It wasn’t real.

“Don’t worry about this.” Negan said, walking over to the bed and taking off the sheets. “Denise said this is normal.”

‘Nothing about this is fucking normal.’ Rick thought.

“Are you okay Dad?” Carl asked.

“I’m fine.” Rick gritted through his teeth as Carl helped him back up.

“Do you need my help?” Carl asked, but he was talking to Negan.

“No, we’re good.” Negan said, and Rick looked at him with wild eyes. Before Rick could look back at Carl, he was gone, too tired to realize his dad was in mortal danger.

“Here,” Negan said, placing his hands on Rick’s shoulders and leading him into the bathroom. The thought of Negan’s body being this close to Rick made him feel sick to his stomach. Rick stood on the tile, and before he could process anything, Negan had gotten on his knees and was pulling down his sweatpants. Rick felt that frostbite feeling consuming him, and he hated how much of a scaredy-cat he was acting, but he couldn’t move. His eyes focused on something glinting on the counter. It was a straight razor.

“Step out.” Negan said, and when Rick didn’t respond, he gently lifted each ankle until his pants were off. Negan left the room.

Rick looked at the straight razor and willed himself to grab it. But he couldn’t move. He saw the blood flowing in his mind. He tried to breath.

Negan returned with new clothing and Rick felt something cool against his leg. Negan had taken some wet wipes and was rubbing them up and down his legs. He felt Negan’s hand on the back of his thigh, holding him in place.

‘This isn’t happening.’ Rick thought. And his eyes darted back and forth. Negan. Razor. Negan. Razor.

“Because you fuckin’ freaked out before, maybe you could take off your underwear and do the rest? And change? Unless you need my help.”

No response.

“ _Rick_.”

Negan sighed, and as soon as Rick felt his fingertips on the band of his underwear, he grabbed the razor and-

“Rick.”

Rick jolted back to his senses. The razor was still sitting on the counter.

“I got it.” Rick croaked, and he tried to clear his throat and sound more sure of himself. “ _I got it_.”

Negan sighed for real this time, stood up, and walked out of the room.

Rick pulled down his underwear and changed quickly. When he stepped out of the room, Negan was sitting on the bed, spraying it with something. Rick almost apologized before he realized what the fuck he was thinking.

It could be over right here, he thought, Negan wasn’t looking, he could kill him. But that was stupid. If this was the real world, Rick would be a murderer, and he’d go to jail. And he couldn’t do that. So kicking out Negan was his only choice at this point.

“It was time to get the winter sheets out anyway.” Negan said when he noticed Rick standing behind him.

“You don’t even know who you are, do you?” Rick said quietly.

“What?” Negan asked, turning around.

Rick stared at the man on the bed.

“I must have done something _real_ fucking shitty to wake up to this.” Rick said, loud enough for Negan to hear.

Negan blinked and looked wounded. “Rick.” He pleaded, and his sad voice cracked, and he didn’t understand why Rick was acting this way.

Negan got up, looked at Rick, and walked out of the room. Rick approached the bed and before he could get back on it, Negan came in with new sheets. He put them lazily on the bed.

“I’m going to get you a fucking piss pad tomorrow.” Negan said, his words intending to hurt but they just came out weak. Negan turned around and walked out the door without saying another word to Rick.

Rick got back in the bed, but he couldn’t sleep. He breathed deep and closed his eyes. He’d piece together his life back somehow, but he needed to get strong. The last thought he had before falling asleep was Negan’s hand on the back of his thigh, and if he hadn’t grown so tired, he would have felt ill.


	3. Vomit

Rick woke up to dry sheets, thank God. He stepped out of the bed and walked over to the window. He looked out; the world was still free of the undead. He squinted when he saw Maggie across the street. So they were neighbors. Of course they were neighbors, that’s why they were so vivid in his dreams. At least, maybe that’s why.

Rick walked down the stairs, holding on to the railing. Negan was in the kitchen making breakfast while Carl sat on a kitchen stool. Judith was in the living room watching cartoons.

“I thought we discussed you leaving.” Rick said bitterly.

“Rick. You’re awake. We’ll discuss everything when you’re feeling better.” Negan said.

“Wait…” Carl said. “What?”

“Negan isn’t staying.” Rick said abruptly.

“Dad what the fuck?” And Carl’s voice sounded hurt and Rick absolutely hated it.

“I’ll explain later.” Rick said.

“Well I’d love to hear it.” Negan said. “Because you’ve been acting like a maniac since you woke up.”

Rick scoffed. “Me? _You mean me_? I’m the maniac? Yeah, that sounds accurate.”

“Well I don’t know what _I_ did to warrant that status.” Negan said. “Except do something in a dream, apparently.”

Rick sat down on the bar stool next to Carl and put his face into his hands and gave a groan.

“Does he need to go back to the hospital?” Carl asked Negan.

“Don’t ask him.” Rick said. “You can ask me.”

Carl looked at his dad bewildered.

“Rick, stop, you’re being a jackass.” Negan snapped.

“Negan, stop,” Carl said, “He doesn’t know what he’s doing. We can’t yell at him.”

Rick looked wildly at the both of them. “I’m not crazy.”

“We don’t think you are.” Negan sighed. “But you need to see someone.”

“It would be a good idea…” Carl added.

“Fine.” Rick said. And he couldn’t help the curious feeling that maybe he was out of his mind after all.

That afternoon Negan drove Rick to see a therapist. Rick eyed the interior of Negan’s black Cadillac.

“Do you remember Lucille?” Negan asked, tapping the dashboard of the car affectionately.

Rick froze in his seat; suddenly feeling like the seatbelt was going to strangle him.

“Yes.” Rick said quietly.

“Wow. That’s…good.” Negan said.

And Rick felt like he was going to vomit.

“What else do you remember?”

Rick closed his eyes.

“Don’t worry about it. It’s probably normal to remember small things.” Negan said.

Rick stared at him incredulously. As if Lucille was just some small thing. It pissed him off that this version of Negan didn’t know what Lucille Rick was referring to when he said he remembered her. It wasn’t fair. He should know. He should know what he is.

Rick looked down at the business card in his hand.

“Morgan Jones?”

“Yeah, I figured you’d be more receptive if it was someone you knew.” Negan said. So Rick had known Morgan from before. Still didn’t fully explain Denise.

Negan walked Rick into the office and sat in one of the chairs.

“I don’t want you to stay.” Rick said.

Negan got up in a huff. “Have Morgan call me when you’re done. And don’t try to escape. I’ve already warned the receptionist.”

Rick looked over at the receptionist and froze. “Tara?”

Tara looked up. “Yes, that’s my name.” She said.

Before Rick could say anything, Morgan opened the door to his office.

“Rick Grimes, good to see you. Want to come in?”

Rick looked back at Negan who gave him a silent wave and turned to walk out. Rick stepped inside Morgan’s office. It was one of the weirder experiences he was having so far.

“So I hear you’re having some trouble coping after your coma.” Morgan said, leading Rick to a lounge chair. Rick laid down, trying to process all the thoughts going through his head. Days ago he was in Alexandria fighting for his life, and now he was in Morgan Jones’ office in a world where the majority of civilization didn’t have a few murders under their belts.

“It’s all wrong.” Rick said.

“What’s wrong?” Morgan asked.

Rick put his hands to his face. “I’m so…fucking confused.”

“That’s a normal reaction to experience after enduring a coma.” Morgan reminded him.

“It’s not that. Or maybe it is, I don’t know.”

“Why don’t you tell me what you’re confused about?”

Rick closed his eyes. “I don’t remember anything about my life.”

“Do you remember me?” Morgan asked.

“Yes.” Rick said. “But not…not like this. Not as a therapist. I remember you completely differently.”

“And how is that?”

Rick swallowed. “You’ll think I’m fucking crazy.”

“I’m not here to diagnose you.” Morgan said. “We’re just here to talk.”

“I’ve already been in a coma.” Rick said slowly.

“When?”

“A little over two years ago.”

Morgan gave him an inquisitive look. “Do you remember the details of it?”

“I was shot on duty, I woke up and, and the world was fucked.”

“How so?”

“I-I don’t know it was just,” Rick exhaled, “It was like people were coming back from the dead.”

“So like zombies.” Morgan said, and Rick didn’t remember hearing that word before.

“I…I guess. And we were all infected.” Rick said. “And then you found me. And that’s how we met.”

“It sounds like your brain knew you got shot, and formed a dream around that.” Morgan said.

“It just doesn’t feel that way. Why would I live two years in a dream without Negan around?” Rick felt his voice catch on Negan’s name.

“Hm. So you and I met when you woke up from your coma?”

“Yes.” Rick said. “You were the first person I found after waking up.”

“So you’ve been living in this world for two years?” Morgan asked.

Rick sighed. “I mean, I think so. Somewhere around there. Maybe longer. Probably longer. But I remember every second. How is that possible if I was only in a coma for eight weeks?”

“And you remember nothing from your life here?”

“Nothing. In my version of events, Judith is two, and Carl is missing an eye. Beth is dead. Hershel, Tyreese,” Rick started rattling off a list of names. “And Abraham, and Glenn…”

“And they died from zombies?”

“Some of them.” Rick whispered. “Most of them were murdered.”

“Murdered? By other people?”

Rick nodded and closed his eyes.

“Did you murder people?”  

“Yes.” Rick whispered. “A lot.”

Which is why he was now sitting here, in this office, in hell.

“Who killed your friends?”

“Strangers…sometimes. In my last few months…” Rick said, his eyes flitting over to meet Morgan’s, “It was Negan.”

“Rick, I have to be honest. I’m worried you might be suffering from some intense brain trauma.”

Rick sat up quickly. “You don’t believe me?”

“I believe you believe you experienced these things. But your case is clearly very intense and I think it needs to be examined by-

Rick pointed to a shelf of books. “Those books over there are for alternative medicines and hypnosis.”

“Yes?” Morgan asked.

“Morgan. Something is going on here and you have to help me figure out what it is.”

Morgan sighed. “Those are just for light reading, Rick; I don’t use those methods in my practice.”

Rick ran his fingers through his hair. “Morgan, I’m not crazy. It was real. I can tell you anything I experienced. I can tell you exactly how I killed the undead. I can tell you what it was like losing my wife out there, I can tell you what it was like when Negan murdered Abraham and Glenn. I can tell you all of it.”

Rick felt tears burning behind his eyes.

“I just need someone I can trust. I can’t tell anyone about this, I’m telling you because of your role in my life.”

“As you remember it.”

Rick gave an exasperated sigh. “Yes but…Morgan. Please. I’ll pay you.”

“Rick, what is it you even want me to do?”

“I…I don’t know. I need to get back to my life.” Rick said, even though where he was from his life was fucking over.

“Well, I don’t know about that, but hypnotherapy could prove useful in helping you remember this life. The one you’re actually from.”

“Yes, great, fine.” Rick said.

Morgan thought for a moment.

“Morgan. Have I ever been here before in this office?” Rick asked.

“No.” Morgan answered.

Rick leaned forward and pointed to the door. “Then how come I know Tara Chambler? Let me guess, she’s in a relationship with Denise Cloyd?”

“Rick, Denise is your doctor, you don’t think there’s a rational explanation for how you might know Tara’s name?” And before Rick could protest about her appearance, he added, “You don’t think maybe your brain saw a picture of them two and stored it somewhere?”

“Morgan. I’ve never seen Denise or Tara in my life and somehow they were there.”

“You keep saying in _your_ life, but you say you don’t remember anything from _here_. It’s possible you’ve met a variety of people that you just can’t remember meeting.”

“Tara didn’t recognize me. But I know her.” Rick said. “Don’t you think that’s a little fucked up? Morgan, I know how to do things I should have never been able to make up on my own, I’ve seen things I know my mind would never imagine.”

“Strange things have been known to happen when people have near death experiences.” Morgan said.

“Then help me remember.” Rick said. “Morgan, I know you’ve felt crazy too.”

Morgan leaned back in his chair and stared at Rick, suppressing a look of shock, as though Rick shouldn’t know anything about his own mental health. “…Alright. But we don’t have the time today. You’ll have to come back.”

“Thank you.” Rick sighed.

“But I’m not going to play games, Rick.”

“I’m not asking you to.”

“Rick, are you safe at home?” Morgan asked.

Rick swallowed. “Unfortunately, I think so.”

Negan picked him up, and they stopped at a small facility down the street.

“What is this?” Rick asked.

“We can’t delay your physical therapy anymore.” Negan said. “You have your first session today.”

Rick looked at Negan and thought about how soon enough he’d unlock the door in his brain that would tell him what the fuck was happening. And somehow he’d be able to expose the world he had woken up in as a fraud. Negan led him inside the building and walked to the counter.

“We have a 3 o clock with Abraham Ford, under Grimes.” Negan said, and Rick found himself staring at a photo on the counter of Abraham and Rosita.

“Have I met them before?” Rick asked quickly, not fully aware he was speaking.

Negan looked at him. “I don’t think so.”

Rick swallowed. It was all getting more and more weird. If he had never met some of these people, how did he know them so well? Did he just see their faces in the street, and his brain made up the rest? But when Abraham walked out, Rick thought he seemed exactly the same.

“Rick, are you ready?” Abraham asked.

Rick looked at Negan, like he wanted him to leave, so Negan sighed and sat on one of the chairs in the waiting room. Abraham led Rick to a small gym.

“Okay Rick, let’s talk about goals. You’re not going to be kicking any ass by tomorrow, so we’ll set some short term goals. Those will help you improve. Denise has laid out exactly what you need to get back into shape.”

Rick couldn’t help but feel like he was in training. And he couldn’t help but treat it that way too. He hated how tired he felt when his session was over. Rick could go on a two week run and not break a sweat, but an hour physical therapy session had him wiped. He tried to stay awake as Negan drove them home, but the car ride was lulling him to sleep. They pulled up alongside the house, and Rick watched Negan through tired eyes get out of the car, open the passenger door, and lift Rick out of his seat.

Rick was too tired to fight, so he let Negan carry him over the threshold of their house, which was a sentence he never wanted to think about again. Negan carried him up the stairs and set him gently down on the bed, and before Rick could snap at him, he was asleep.

Rick woke up to darkness again. He wondered when he’d stop sleeping so much. He sat up and noticed a light was coming from under the bathroom door. Negan was inside, taking a shower, and Rick thought of a hundred ways he could kill him before reminding himself that he just couldn’t. Negan opened the door and stepped out in a towel, walking over to the dresser. He pulled out some clothing and jumped when he saw Rick.

“What are you doing in here?” Rick growled.

“I’m taking a shower in my own fucking bathroom.” Negan said bitterly. “And I’m pretty sure you can’t stop me.”

A chill went through Rick’s spine, Negan was right. Rick couldn’t stop him from doing anything. Rick was the out of his mind, physically weak coma patient, and to everyone else Negan was the sane, doing-his-best father, worthy of everyone’s sympathy. Rick could growl all he wanted, but it was Negan who could bite him, and he’d only be able to let him.

Negan went back into the bathroom and returned a minute later. Rick climbed out of the bed quickly and walked into the bathroom.

“What are you doing?” Negan asked, walking into the bathroom behind Rick.

“I’m taking a shower.” Rick grumbled.

Negan scoffed. “What, so you can get lightheaded and injure your brain even more? Not happening. Baths only.”

Rick knew he was right, his motor skills were piss poor, literally, and he couldn’t risk any other trauma. He watched as Negan turned on the water for him.

“I think I can at least handle that.” Rick said.

Negan gave another one of his sighs, like he didn’t know why this was happening to him.

‘Me too man.’ Rick wanted to say. ‘I don’t want to be here either. I liked us both better when we were open about wanting to kill each other.’

Negan left the room and closed the door behind him.

Rick took off his clothes and stepped into the tub. He sunk his body into the water and closed his eyes, maybe if he tried hard enough, he’d snap awake. But he knew that wasn’t going to happen. Rick gripped the sides of the tub with his fingers and felt hot tears sliding down his face. Why was this happening to him? Why wasn’t he remembering anything? Why was he here? Why was he so sure he didn’t belong?

Rick drained the tub, got dressed, and stepped back in his bedroom. He walked over to his bed and noticed Negan was lying in it.

“Get out.” Rick said.

Negan rolled around to face him. “No.”

Rick opened his mouth to say something, but Negan interjected.

“We’re not doing this, Rick. You’re not going to treat me like some fucking criminal. I’m sleeping in my own goddamn bed. And you are too. End of story. _Get in_.”

Rick felt his eyebrow twitch, but he didn’t know how to tell this version of Negan how horrible of a person he was, so he just got in. He noticed there was a large cloth pad on his side of the bed, and it made him feel weak. Rick positioned himself as far on the edge of the bed as he could go, trying not to panic that he was now lying in the same bed as the man he hated most.

“Judith asked me why you’re still sleeping so much.” Negan said from the other end.

Rick didn’t say anything.

“I told her that you’re sleeping like a normal person now, you just need more of it. I think she gets scared when she sees you asleep.”

Rick had to suppress tears again, at least one thing didn’t change when he woke up; he was still crying all the goddamn fucking time. But this was different; this was even crueler, in a way, how Negan threw his daughter in his face.

Negan extended a hand and placed it on Rick’s arm, Rick froze, and his breathing grew shallow instantly.

“Rick…” Negan whispered, “What the fuck do you think I’m going to do to you?”

“ _I don’t know_.” Rick said through gritted teeth.

Negan drew his hand away. Rick rolled around to face him, hatred burning out of his skin.

“Bet you thought we were going to grow old together, sitting around the table at Sunday dinner in the happily ever after. No... doesn't work like that Negan. Not anymore.” And he turned around and tried desperately to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> real quick: there are some similarities between llabc and this fic in terms of negan driving the same car and them having similar neighbors, but they aren't related! (if i ever get my third au going he drives the same car in that too lol) i just like to have little references thrown in :3c thanks for reading!


	4. Used to Love You

‘You can’t keep acting like yourself’. Rick told himself the next morning. ‘You have to chill out. You’re in a game of chess now. Be smart.’

He watched Negan sleeping next to him. And suddenly it didn’t matter that maybe this Negan wasn’t the same one he knew, all that mattered was that this Negan was _certainly_ capable of turning into the one he had known. Just like Maggie, Glenn, and the others were capable of turning into the versions of themselves Rick had known too. And for that reason alone, Rick couldn’t give him a chance. He had given too many people chances in his lifetime, that time had passed. Rick didn’t take risks anymore.

Rick got up and looked out the window, it was becoming his habit, and when he saw Glenn, he nearly sprinted down the stairs.

Rick left his house and called out to Glenn.

“Rick, how are you feeling?” Glenn asked when Rick crossed the street.

Rick didn’t know how to respond, the truth was too much but lying to Glenn wasn’t something he knew how to do.

“Glenn, what do you think of Negan?” And it felt like the strangest question Rick had ever asked anyone in his life. Because the only time Rick had ever talked to Glenn about Negan was in his own head when he was praying to him.

“He’s a good guy.” Glenn said, and while Rick figured that would be the answer, it just felt so wrong.

“But…has he always been?”

“Rick, how much do you remember?” Glenn asked.

“Glenn, just tell me.” Because Rick really didn’t want to go into the details of his memory.

“Well, he was an asshole at first,” but Glenn said it with a smile, which made Rick feel like throwing up, “But you guys complement each other.”

That was a joke. But was it? Hadn’t Rick killed just as many people? Done just as many bad things? And being back in this world made Rick feel terrible, like maybe all his actions were unnecessary after all.

Rick couldn’t help but stare at Glenn, taking in every detail of his face, his hair, his smile. He had thought he had seen him for the last time already, and even if he was in hell, Glenn being there made Rick feel better.

“You ok?” Glenn asked, before Rick grabbed him into a hug.

Glenn put his arms around Rick. “It’s going to be okay.”

But was it?

Rick walked back into his house.

“There you are.” Negan’s voice said from the kitchen, and Rick absolutely hated how domestic this version of the man acted.

Rick sat on the couch next to Judith. Even if Negan was going to make his life miserable, he would still try and enjoy the good that he had been given.

“Ready for school?” Rick asked.

“Yes!” Judith said, giving him a hug. “Are you going to sleep more?”

Rick smiled. “Maybe.”

“Me and Papa tried to wake you up when you were in the hospital.” Judith said. “But kisses didn’t work.”

Rick wanted to laugh, but the thought of Negan trying to wake him up with a kiss was sickening.

“Well thank you for trying.” Rick said, kissing her forehead. “Where’s Carl?”

“Carl’s at work.” Negan said. “He picked up a part time job while you were asleep.”

Rick nodded, and Judith hopped off the couch to grab her bag. Rick walked her outside to the bus stop, but not before she ran into Negan’s arms and hugged him. Rick felt fire behind his eyes.

Negan stood with his back against the counter and tapped it mindlessly as he watched Rick eat breakfast.

“Rick.” Negan said, picking up a dish towel. “Are you finally going to tell me why you hate me so goddamn fucking much?”

Rick stopped eating. “I don’t think you’re good for this family.”

Negan threw the dish towel down into the sink. “You know, you’re going to get your fucking memory back and you’re going to have to do a hell of a lot to make this up to me.” And it was some attempt at a joke, but Negan just sounded angry.

Rick scratched at his scruff and gave Negan a dark look, but didn’t say anything.

The next few days were silent and awkward in Rick’s house, and Negan seemed to be getting in the habit of leaving Rick alone. Rick was starting to feel the fear in his body dissipating, until one night when he was lying in bed with Negan.

“You know.” Negan said in a monotone voice. “ _Sometimes I wish I could just bash your fucking head in and you’d snap back to normal._ ”

Rick held his breath, and thought Negan might turn over and actually do it, but he just started crying. Rick looked over in surprise.

“ _I miss you_.”

Before Rick could say anything, Negan got up and locked himself in the bathroom. Rick stared wide eyed at the door, not sure how to feel. There was something in him that felt almost bad. But he couldn’t help where he had just come from. Negan didn’t come out for a long while.

The next day Rick was getting Judith ready for school. Sometimes he felt like maybe she could sense it wasn’t him, but that was stupid. And as he was putting on her coat, he noticed something strange. He could see himself in her. And it wasn’t just him bullshitting himself. He could really, actually, see himself in her.

And like clockwork, Carl opened his mouth and said, “Shane’s coming over.”

Rick couldn’t figure out his thoughts. A version of Shane was going to be arriving at his doorstep that didn’t sleep with his wife, and who wasn’t the father of his daughter. It almost felt good, Shane had been one of his best friends, and the idea that he could have that again was a nice feeling.

Rick was upstairs when Shane arrived. And he could hear Negan talking to him in the kitchen.

“It’s almost like he was kidnapped, and he doesn’t know what the real world is.”

“Does he even remember me?” Shane asked.

“Yes, he remembers everyone, but it’s like something is missing, or something was changed.” He heard Negan sigh. “So just be gentle when you talk to him. And don’t be offended if he’s…rude.”

The fact that Negan was still making sure people were nice to Rick made him feel even worse. And now rage and guilt were swirling together in his body, but every time he was a little close to feeling something other than unbridled hatred, he’d remember every memory he ever had of Negan.

Rick walked down the stairs and hugged his best friend.

“Rick. I’m sorry I didn’t come sooner.” Shane said.

“It’s alright.” Rick said, and it felt better hugging him than he expected it to, and it surprised him. “Maybe I’ll be able to come back to work soon.”

“Oh…well…” Shane started.

“Rick…” Negan said. “We talked about this. What would happen if something like this…you said you would retire, remember?”

“Well, I don’t _remember_ saying that.” Rick snapped.

“Negan’s right,” Shane said, “It’s probably for the best you call it a day, hang up the cowboy hat. You’re a legend at the station though, so you’ll have a good legacy.”

“I don’t see why I need to quit.” Rick said.

“It’s not quitting,” Negan said, “It’s retiring.”

“You deserve to kick back.” Shane added.

“Why is nobody on my side?” Rick growled, and he felt like a goddamn child saying it.

“Rick, there aren’t any fucking sides.” Negan groaned. “But you’re going through some…things right now and you need to not push yourself into anything.”

Rick grabbed the side of his head, living in this world was started to get frustrating.

“I’m going for a walk.” Rick said, getting tired of all the conversations he was required to have.

“No you most certainly are fucking not.” Negan said.

“Rick.” Said Shane. “Let’s just sit down.”

“No. I need to clear my head. I’m going around the block,” He looked at Negan, “ _dear_ , and I’ll be right back.”

Shane started to open his mouth.

“No,” Negan said, “Let him go.”

Rick walked out the door, wearing slippers and not giving a shit. He needed to be in charge of where he was, and walking around the neighborhood gave him a small opportunity to do that.

He thought about what he heard Negan say, how it was like his brain was kidnapped. Wasn’t that the fucking truth? It was bad enough Rick had been locked away in an apocalyptic room for two years, but no memory of his life was right. He wanted to scream at everyone in the street, “What are you all doing? Don’t you know what the world is like? Don’t you know what Negan’s done?” But they didn’t know, and it was killing him, because what if it was coming? What if the apocalypse broke out right fucking now?

‘Stop.’ He told himself. But it was always there, in the back of his mind, he couldn’t get too comfortable. He had to keep his guard up. Keep trying to win that game of chess.

Rick stopped when he saw something out of the corner of his eye. It was a person. It was Dale. Rick held his breath and walked over. Dale was sitting on a hill in the neighborhood that didn’t seem to belong to anyone. He was on a lawn chair, with an empty one next to him.

“Rick Grimes.” Dale said, raising a beer can.

“Dale.” Rick said, constantly stunned whenever he saw someone he used to know.

“Let me guess, things are a little strange?” Dale asked, gesturing for Rick to join him. Rick did.

“Yeah.” Rick said. “Just waiting to wake up.”

Dale smiled. “You’re not happy to be here?”

“Considering I don’t remember anything except the people? And even when I do, they’re not how I remember them? I’m tickled pink by it.” Rick said dryly.

“You’re right, that doesn’t sound very pleasant.”

“Mmhmm, and I’m getting a little tired of everyone acting like I should be grateful.”

“Well, you can’t blame them; you’ve gotten a second chance at life Rick.”

Rick gave a deep breath. “Maybe I didn’t ask for it.”

Dale laughed. “You really are ungrateful.”

Rick looked up to the sky; he wasn’t going to be able to tell anyone the reasons why. Except maybe Morgan.

“I have to go back.” Rick said, “I’ll see you around.”

“Of course.” Dale said. “Maybe we’ll have another talk.”

“Maybe.”

Rick walked down the hill, when he turned around, Dale was already gone.

Rick walked back into his house, Shane had already left, and Rick suddenly felt very rude. Manners weren’t exactly something he had held onto. Negan was on the couch.

“Come here.”

Rick hesitated. Negan looked towards the door.

“ _Come here_.”

Rick found himself doing what Negan told him, just like had done so many times before. And it killed him inside.

Rick sat on the couch next to Negan. He was holding a photo album, and he flipped it open. Rick watched as Negan flipped through photos of their life together. Judith being small, Carl graduating high school, them all being on vacation together. He couldn’t believe what he was looking at, and when he saw a photo of Negan and himself standing next to each other in front of the ocean, he had to pick it up.

Rick pried the photo out of the sleeve and held it up to his face. Negan watched him look, but Rick couldn’t help but stare at it. It was so _wrong_. But there he was, visual proof that the world around him must have existed before he woke up in it. And he looked so happy. And not just happy, he thought, but in love.

“Are you remembering anything?” Negan asked, interrupting his thoughts.

“No.” Rick said, “No.”

“I don’t know why you hate me. I don’t know what you think I did to you. But it wasn’t me. Look,” Negan pleaded, flipping through more of the pages, “Look at us.”

Rick was tired of looking; it was like the Devil had taken a special liking just to him and personally assisted in his journey through Hell. This was so fucked up. Rick looked up at Negan, who looked at him expectantly.

Rick’s eyes darted back and forth as he stared into Negan’s. He took a deep breath.

“When’s my next session with Abraham?”

 

 


	5. Psycho Killer

Rick was getting stronger, little by little. And he wasn’t getting as wiped out as he had been. It was a good thing. Rick found the non-Negan parts of his life to be getting easier to accept and step into over the next few days. He was spending time with Judith and Carl, talking to Glenn and Maggie almost daily, and he was quickly losing the habit of checking outside his window for walkers.

Negan drove him to Morgan’s office, only this time, he stayed in the waiting room. Rick didn’t say anything to stop him.

“Are you ready?” Morgan asked him as he lied down.

“Yes.” Rick said.

“I’m just letting you know, I don’t know if this will work. My colleague swears by it, but there are reasons I don’t implement it into my practice.”

“Let’s just try.” Rick said. Getting into his psyche was important to him, and his mind was constantly spinning, it would be nice to have some focus.

Rick felt himself starting to slip as Morgan counted him down, and suddenly he was back in his own universe.

Except he wasn’t being bludgeoned to death by Negan. Not yet. This was a few minutes before that.

“Drag the bullet maker out here.” Negan said, swinging Lucille at his side. “I need him to see this shit.”

Rick was standing in the center of Alexandria, several guns pointed at him. His family and friends were watching, as if from the sidelines of the worst baseball game in human history. And he was on the pitcher’s mound, and Negan was on home plate.

“I want EVERYONE to have a good view of this.” Negan said. “ _Especially_ all you fuckers that missed out the first time. I’m going to show all of you just WHY Rick Grimes pisses his fucking pants every goddamn time he sees me.”

Rick felt like he was in that Bill Murray movie, but he couldn’t fucking remember the name. It didn’t matter. He was watching this scene replay, but it felt like he was living it all over again. He looked around at the faces of his family. They were already crying.

“RICK _. Rick Rick Rick Rickety Rick_.” Negan chanted, “You know. This is a sad day. This is a sad goddamn day. I didn’t want this to be the day, Rick. I think you’d agree.”

Negan let out a laugh. “Damn.”

“Don’t do this.” Rick found himself saying. But he didn’t want to say it. He had different words now. But he couldn’t say them. All he could do was watch the memory play out before him.

“NO!” Michonne cried from the side, and Rick watched as she was held back, fighting for his life with hers.

“Jesus fucking Christ.” Negan groaned. “But…I get it. I get it. This is Rick fucking Grimes we’re talking about.”

“You know, you had a good thing going Rick. You really screwed the pooch here. But I need all these other fuckers to learn a thing or two. So my man, I’m fuckin’ sorry, but it has to be you. No more eeny meeny miney mo’s. Heh.”

Negan sucked air in between his teeth and looked at Rick. 

“But between you and me, I was just fucking with y’all.”

Negan walked over and pushed Rick to the ground. Rick collapsed onto his knees. Negan leaned back, holding the bat in front of him in an explicit manner.

“Don’t fight it Rick, you know I like you most when you’re on your knees,” Negan purred, “And I can’t wait till your blood is just _all over_ me.”

Negan laughed, leaning back further. “And it’s gonna be messy too. Just the way I like it. This is the day Rick Grimes let me fuck him right in the fucking face.”

Rick was shaking, he didn’t want to, but how could he not?

“God, don’t be nervous. Ah, I’d say I’d be gentle, but I’d be a fucking liar now wouldn’t I?”

Negan laughed again. “Maybe I’ll get you in one fuckin’ hit and you won’t even feel it. How does that sound? I think that’s a good courtesy. See? I can be a southern gentleman, just like you.”

Rick was looking down at the dirt.

“Alright, enough talk.” Negan said. “Rick.”

And Rick looked up just as Negan was swinging Lucille down.

Rick nearly jumped off the lounge chair, sweat was dripping off his face, and he ran his shaky hands through his hair. He looked around the room, and his eyes settled on Morgan’s.

“T-that’s the last thing I remembered.” Rick whispered. “And then I was out of the coma.”

Morgan looked at him with wide eyes, and he didn’t know what to say. “That’s…disturbing.”

“And it goes back farther.” Rick said, out of breath, “Even before him. All vivid. All real.”

Morgan blinked. “You’re real memories must be buried under your dreams.”

“Do you think so?” Rick asked.

“I’m going to talk to my colleague Eastman about this, maybe he can get you past there and we can access your real memories.” Morgan said.

“Alright.” Rick breathed, but he didn’t believe him.

Rick took a few minutes to catch his breath and calm down. He thanked Morgan and left the office; Negan stood up when he opened the door.

“How did it go?” Negan asked.

Rick took a deep breath.

“Fine.” He said, trying not to let his hands shake. He looked at Tara. “Weren’t you a cop?”

Tara looked up from her desk, surprised. “Yes, how did you know?”

“What happened?” Rick asked, not answering her question.

“Well, it was just the academy. I changed my mind and wanted to go back to school for psychology.” She said, “So I’m working here part time. Have we met?”

“I must have seen you around before. I was a Sheriff’s Deputy.” Rick said, even though he knew damn well he hadn’t seen her in this life.

“Oh, maybe.” Tara smiled. “Sorry, I don’t remember you.”

“It’s ok.” Rick said.

Negan drove Rick to the kindergarten, they were picking up Judith. Negan parked the car.

“So what did you talk about?” Negan asked, turning in his seat to face Rick.

“That’s confidential.” Rick muttered.

Negan sighed. “Yeah, I guess it is. Did it help though?”

“I don’t know yet.” Rick said.

Rick and Negan walked to the playground where the kids were waiting. Judith was playing with a young boy, and Rick froze when he heard a woman call out, “Andre!”

“How are you peanut?” The woman said, coming into Rick’s view. She hugged the boy.

“M-Michonne.” Rick said.

Michonne looked up and over at Rick when she heard her name. She smiled at him.

“Can me and Judith play for five minutes?” Andre asked.

“Sure peanut.” Michonne said, standing up.

Rick was speechless.

“Rick,” Negan said, putting a hand on his shoulder, making Rick burn. “I’m going to go talk to Judith’s teacher for a sec, I’ll be right back.”

“Uh-huh.” Rick said. Michonne smiled as she walked over.

“Rick Grimes. Welcome back to the land of the living.”

She hugged him, and Rick held her tight. She looked healthy, and happy, and just as beautiful.

“Wow, did you miss me?” Michonne laughed.

“Yes.” Rick said, his voice cracking.

“Watch out, you’ll make Andrea jealous.” Michonne said, pulling away.

“You…you’re with Andrea?” Rick asked.

Michonne looked at him. “Having a hard time remembering things?”

“A little.”

“Me and Andrea got together around the time you and Negan did. I like to joke she’s perfect because Andre, Andrea, get it?”

“Yeah…” Rick said, and a pang of sadness stabbed his chest. He thought that maybe, _maybe_ if he actually got used to this life, he’d be with her in the end. And looking at the happiness on her face, it just made him feel selfish.

“Rick, are you good?” Michonne asked.

“I’m just a little…lost right now.” Rick said.

“Well, you know I’m here for you.” Michonne said, and she gave him another hug before calling for Andre.

Rick picked Judith up in his arms and hugged her. He could get used to that.

Rick watched as Michonne walked to her car with her son. He had imagined a life outside the apocalypse with her a thousand times, and now here they were, and she was walking away. A hand touched his waist lightly. It was Negan. Rick felt like he was going to be sick. Again and again.  

“Ready to go?” Negan asked as Rick stared at Michonne’s car driving away.

“Y-yea.” Rick said.

Negan didn’t say anything.

That night Rick lied awake, staring up at the ceiling as Negan took a shower. Negan emerged from the bathroom in a pair of pajama pants and dried his hair with a towel.

“Ok Rick. It’s time to have a conversation.” He said.                                

“About what?” Rick asked, voice tight.

“You’ve been out of your coma for a while now and you still won’t talk to me, look at me, or..,” Negan stopped, “You have to tell me what’s going on.”

Negan didn’t wait for Rick to respond; he walked over to his side of the bed and got in. Rick felt his body go tense, he still wasn’t used to the idea of sleeping in a bed with Negan, but at least he wasn’t pissing himself anymore.

“And you need to tell me why you keep flinching whenever I get close to you.” Negan said. “Please. Tell me what happened.”

“I’m not the same person.” Rick said.

“What does that mean?”

“You know. People wake up from comas and they’ve got entirely different personalities.” Rick said, clenching his teeth.

“So you woke up, you still love Carl, you still love Judith, you still love your friends, but you don’t love me. That’s a very specific personality adjustment.” Negan said bitterly.

“Sucks, don’t it?”

“Goddamnit Rick!” Negan hissed. “You’re just determined to make me fucking hate you aren’t you? That’s what you want right?”

“Is it working?” Rick spat.

“No.” Negan said quickly. “It’s not. How am I supposed to hate someone I’ve been madly in love with for four years? How am I supposed to throw away my second chance at marriage?”

“Second chance?” Rick asked.

Negan rolled his eyes. “Lucille?”

“Lu…” Rick said, trying to connect the dots in his mind. “ _Lucille_??”

“Of course you wouldn’t remember. My first wife. She passed away. God, Rick. That’s like the foundation of our relationship. Our fuckin’ wives.” Negan said bitterly.

“I thought that was just the name of your…”

“My car?” Negan interrupted. “No. It’s a lot more than that. Clearly you don’t give a flying fuck.”

They were silent for a while. Rick couldn’t believe it. Negan had really named his murder weapon after his dead wife. Hell, Negan had a wife to begin with. Why wouldn’t he, though? It was plausible. It was plausible for any of them to turn into what Negan was. And if that were true, then could he really hold a grudge on this Negan? Was that fair?

“You know.” Negan said, speaking into the quiet. “She hated me sometimes. I hated her too. Sometimes.”

Rick didn’t know what to say.

“But you and I…we never had that. We’ve always been good. But me and her, we made it through, to the end. You and I will too.”

And even though Rick’s feelings were a usual fight between anger and guilt, right now he felt guilty.

“I’m sorry.” Rick said. “I didn’t want to wake up here. If it was my choice, I wouldn’t have. I would have died.”

Negan was silent.

“Wow.” He said. “ _Wow_.”

“Wait,” Rick said, “I…I didn’t mean it like…that.”

Rick watched Negan put his hands to his face and start to sob.

“Hey…” Rick said, “I-

“Did I hurt you in your dream?” Negan said between sobs.

“Y-yes.” Rick said quietly, sitting up.

“Did I…” Negan started, but his sobs were drowning out his words.

Rick watched as the man he hated most collected himself. 

“Did I,” Negan said again, his breathing quick and unsteady, “hurt you like…?”

Rick paused for a moment before understanding where Negan was going with his words. “No.”

“ _Because you know I’d never fucking do that Rick I swear to God_.” Negan cried. “If that happened it wasn’t me.”

“You didn’t.” Rick said quickly. “You didn’t.”

“Then why do you hate me and no one else?” He pleaded.

“I…” And Rick didn’t know how to tell him. Because suddenly it sounded so stupid. Even though it was still so real.

All he could say was, “ _I’m sorry_.”

Negan sniffed a few times and took a deep breath. “And you don’t even know what it’s like to have someone you love just…not remember you.”

But Rick did. And it killed him inside, and Michonne still _liked_ him in this life. Rick wondered how he would handle Michonne hating his guts. Not well.

_But this was Negan. This was the man who killed Glenn, Abraham, who made him_ hold _Lucille, who dragged him into an RV, who almost made him chop Carl’s arm off, who gutted Spencer like it was_ nothing _._

How could any feeling of pity last when he remembered all that?


	6. Fields of Gold

Rick sat frozen in the bed, unsure of what to do to get Negan to stop crying. It was one of the most surreal moments he had had so far.

“Negan,” Rick said, “I honestly didn’t mean it to sound like that. I just meant…you have to understand that where I’m from…it would have been better for both of us if I hadn’t woken up.”

“How can you say that?” Negan gasped. “How can you even say that?”

“Because I’m not…myself.” Rick said. “You’re not you either. If that helps.”

Rick sighed and tried to let himself acknowledge that this Negan wasn’t the one he knew.

“Well,” Negan said, “It doesn’t.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Can you just…drop the idea of us splitting up?” Negan asked.

Rick looked away. “I won’t make you leave. I won’t do that to the kids, but we aren’t together. Accept it.”

“You’re going to snap back.” Negan said. “You will.”

“If you want to believe that, I can’t stop you.” Rick said, lying back down. “But it’s not happening.”

“If you knew how much you loved me, you’d never say the things you’ve said.”

“You’re right.” Rick said. “But I don’t know.”

Negan turned to face the wall and didn’t say anything else.

The next few days were tense, and Rick tried to distract himself by focusing on physical therapy, and while he was starting to feel sure that the apocalypse wasn’t going to break out, he still felt like he should be strong again. Just in case.

On an early morning run, Rick ran into Carol, who was standing by her mailbox.

“Carol.” Rick said.

“Hey Rick.” She smiled. “How have you been?”

“Fine.” Rick lied.

“Are you remembering things?” Carol asked. Everyone asked.

“Yeah,” Rick said, lying again, “There are just things I don’t remember. Like, do you know what Negan was like before we got together?” Rick felt like he was gathering statistics.

Carol rolled her eyes. “He was an asshole. But you nipped that in the bud real quick. He’s like a tranquilized bear now.”

Rick blinked. “So he really was a jerk.”

“Big time. You have quite the influence.” Carol smirked. “I’m surprised you can’t remember. You two used to go at it at the school board meetings. That was before we all really knew each other, but it was fun to watch.”

“We used to fight?” Rick asked.

“Oh yeah, he taught middle school for a moment before moving to high school, so Sophia and Carl had to endure his teaching methods. I would have fought him myself but, you always beat me to it.”

Rick blinked, trying to imagine going up against Negan at a goddamn PTA meeting. So the other version of himself wasn’t a complete idiot, he had fought back. More than Rick had, that was for sure.

‘Then again, Other Rick wasn’t at risk of being fucking murdered.’

True.

“And somehow we fell in love.” Rick said.

Carol laughed. “Stranger things have happened.”

“Ain’t that the truth.” Rick muttered.

Rick walked the rest of the way home, looking at the neighborhood and the sky and thinking about how everything seemed so fake. But it wasn’t, it was real. Rick walked up to his house and sat on the porch, kicking off his sneakers. He sighed, a part of him wanted to accept that his dreams were really just dreams, and he felt ready to forget them and to start remembering the truth. He picked up his shoes and walked inside. Negan wasn’t downstairs yet. He peered in the downstairs rooms and walked up the stairs when he couldn’t find him.

Negan was in the bathroom shaving. Rick hesitated when he peered in the doorway.

“Need something?” Negan asked, dejection on his voice.

Rick took a deep breath and walked in, standing against the back wall.

“I’m…when’s my next appointment with Morgan?” Rick felt bad always asking, he should be on top of his appointments, but it was Negan that drove him around, so he had started to depend on him a little. Which was sickening, in a way, but that wasn’t what Rick was here to talk about.

“Two days from now.” Negan said.

Rick looked at his feet. “I think I’m ready to start remembering my life. I don’t think clinging on to…dreams is…doing any of us any good.”

“That’s…good…” Negan said.

Rick stood there awkwardly, hands behind his back pressing against the back of the wall. Negan let out a sharp yelp and grabbed his neck.

“ _Are you okay_?!” Rick asked, rushing over as if by instinct.

“Fuck.” Negan hissed, pulling his fingers away, wet blood smeared on his neck.

Rick picked up a wet towel that Negan had prepped and pressed it against his neck. Negan almost went to pull away.

“Sit down.” Rick said.

Negan sat on the edge of the tub and let Rick clean up his neck.

“You really cut yourself.” Rick murmured.

“It happens sometimes.” Negan said.

Rick found the bandaids and placed one on Negan’s neck.

“I…” Rick said. “I hear we used to fight a lot at PTA meetings.”

Negan looked surprised. “Yeah, we did. You were a force to be reckoned with. Reminds me a lot of the way you’ve been acting.”

“It’s just…that’s as close as I think I can get to explaining the way you were in my dream.”

“Had to be worse than that though, huh?” Negan asked, looking up at Rick. Rick thought he saw something in his eyes, but it might have just been the color, light brown with a small hint of green. Or maybe that was in Rick’s imagination.

Rick swallowed, not sure if he was feeling fear, pity, or something else entirely. “Yeah.”

Negan looked away, “Would you go out to dinner with me tonight?”

Rick sighed. “Negan, we talked about-

“I know.” He said quickly. “But we don’t have to be enemies, do we? Is that so fucking vital to your life? That we be enemies?”

“Alright.” Rick said, ignoring his question. Which, Rick thought, was a very good question. “I’ll go out to dinner.”

“Thank you.” Negan said, standing up. “And thanks for coming to my rescue.”

Negan walked out of the room, leaving Rick to stand there speechless. But isn’t that what happened? Rick had jumped at the chance to help Negan, without even thinking.

‘It’s because you’re the good guy.’ He told himself. But that was a lie.

That evening Rick walked downstairs, dressed nicely for the first time since waking up. Negan was waiting in the kitchen. Rick was relieved when he saw the leather jacket wasn’t a part of his ensemble; maybe Negan knew it wouldn’t help his case any.

“So you two are going out?” Carl asked, sitting at one of the kitchen stools.

“Yep.” Negan said.

“Mmhmm.” Rick said, feeling his voice catch in his throat when he thought about what he had agreed to.

“Are you ready?” Negan asked.

“Yeah.” Rick said, trying to send Carl telepathic signals that he was in potential danger. But it didn’t work.

Rick got into the passenger side of Negan’s car, watching Negan get in.

“Seatbelt?” Negan asked.

“Oh, right.” Rick said. “So…where are we going?”

“Nothing fancy, just a little tavern.” Negan said. “We used to go there once a week.”

Rick didn’t respond, he didn’t know how to.

“I just figured, you know, senses are a powerful thing, maybe the food will jog your memory.” Negan said.

“Oh, yeah, maybe.” Rick said.

Negan led Rick into the restaurant and they sat at a booth. Rick watched silently as Negan ordered their food for them.

“You always get the same thing.” Negan said when he saw Rick looking at him.

Rick nodded.

“You want a beer or anything?” Negan asked.

“Sure.”

Negan shuffled in his seat, and Rick could tell he was trying to think of something to say to fill the silence. Negan perked up when the food was brought out, and he sat still and watched Rick take a bite.

“So…?” Negan asked.

“I…it’s not terrible but…I’m not a fan…” And Rick felt bad saying it, because he could tell Negan desperately wanted him to love it and remember. And then Rick felt angry that he felt bad, but while his dreams were still so vivid, this Negan clearly wasn’t the same, and it wasn’t fair to either of them.

Negan looked disappointed. “I don’t understand.”

“It happens sometimes, when people wake up from comas.” Rick said.

“Personality adjustment.” Negan muttered.

“Sorry.” Rick said, feeling the word come out his mouth before he could stop it. Not that he necessarily wanted to.

“It’s…it’s fine.” Negan said. “It was pretty fucking dumb of me to think food would just…bring you back.”

Rick sighed and took a sip of his beer. “I…look. I am sorry.”

“It’s not…” Negan closed his eyes. “It’s not your fault. I know it’s not.”

“And maybe my session with Morgan will help.” Rick said.

“What are you two doing anyway?” Negan asked.

“Hypnotherapy.” Rick said.

Negan scoffed. “He’s hypnotizing you?”

“It’s not like what you’re thinking. It’s just to help me access my memories.” Rick said.

“And did it work?”

“Not yet.” Rick said. But that little scratching feeling that it had worked and that _was_ his memory was working its way up Rick’s back. At this point, he’d let Morgan convince him he was the Other Rick, because this life was getting miserable.

Rick looked over at a couple that had walked in, they were dressed in costumes.

“Oh.” Rick said. “It’s Halloween.”

“Yeah, you know, you need to start remembering what day it is.” Negan said.

“I know.” Rick said. “Are we taking Judith out?”

“We’re taking Carl and Judith to a haunted hayride, I told you the other day.”

Rick closed his eyes. “Sorry.”

“Don’t worry about it.”

When Negan pulled up to their house, he rolled the car to a slow stop and looked at Rick.

“I just want you to know Carl’s girlfriend is coming.”

Rick blinked. “Carl…has a girlfriend?”

“Figured you wouldn’t remember her. Her name is Enid.”

Rick caught his breath, he felt a smile buried somewhere inside him.

“I remember her.” Rick said.

“Yeah, they’re good together.” Negan said.

Carl and Enid were inside the house, and Enid gave Rick a hug when he walked in.

“You guys ready to go?” Carl asked.

“Yep.” Negan said, looking at Rick. “You need to go to the bathroom or anything before we leave?”

“No, I’m fine.” Rick said, and he couldn’t help but wonder if that was a dig.

“We’ll take your car.” Negan said.

They got into the minivan that had been parked in the driveway.

“So why do you get the cool car and I get the mom-mobile?” Rick asked, putting on his seatbelt. It had to be the first time he had joked with Negan.

Negan laughed, it was the same laugh that Rick had come to know, and hate. And fear.

“Two words. Midlife crisis.” Negan said. “When you turn fifty you can get a sick ass car too.”

Rick rolled his eyes.

“How are you feeling Mr. Grimes?” Enid asked from the back row.

“Good.” Rick said. “Better.”

“Good.” Enid said, her voice gentle. Rick was glad she was there.

Twenty minutes later Negan was pulling into a farm. Rick gripped the armrest.

“Wait a minute…” Rick said. “This is…”

“Hershel Greene’s farm.” Negan said. “Maggie’s dad. You remember?”

“Y..yes.” Rick said, but it was almost a whisper. This entire property had become a ghost to him, and here it was.

“They do this every year. There’s stuff that won’t scare Judith, so don’t worry about her.”

Rick stared wide eyed at the property passing by in front of him. Negan pulled into a makeshift parking lot on a field and parked the car. Rick stared ahead at the house, and couldn’t help but remember what had happened in the field they were now standing in.

“You okay?” Negan asked.

“Yes.” Rick said blankly. He felt a hand on his back as Negan led him forward. They walked to the line. The house was out of reach from the attractions, and Rick could see figures moving inside. Hershel and the rest of Maggie’s family, he assumed.

Carl and Enid went ahead, while Negan, Rick, and Judith went to the small petting zoo. It was dark, but Judith could still pet the goats. She giggled when one licked her. Rick smiled, he didn’t know how long he’d be here, but he wanted to remember this memory, because it was the kind of memory he never thought he’d get to make with her.

“Boo!” Came a voice.

Rick turned around, it was Maggie.

“Hey you guys.” She said. “Enjoying the haunts?”

“Maggie, you working here tonight?” Negan asked.

“Hell no,” She said, “I’m here with Glenn. He doesn’t believe that we throw the scariest hayride. Beth is working though, somewhere.”

“Beth.” Rick said, and suddenly all he wanted to do was see her again. He hadn't seen her since he woke up. 

“Yeah, she convinced Daryl to help her. He’s hating it, I’m sure.”

“Daryl is here too?” Rick asked, he hadn’t seen him yet, and he was hoping they were still friends.

“Yup, he’s been meaning to stop by.” Maggie said, assuaging Rick’s fears. “I’m sure you’ll run into each other sometime tonight.”

Glenn caught up with Maggie and they headed towards the hayride. Negan walked over to a bonfire pit and sat down with Judith, gesturing for Rick to join him. Rick walked over and sat down, putting his hands in his jacket pockets.

“I’m actually going to go find the bathroom.” Rick said.

Negan sighed. “What did I tell you?”

“Yeah I know.” Rick said. “But when do I ever listen to you?”

Rick felt a shiver go up his spine when he saw Negan slide his tongue in between his teeth. He didn’t think that would ever not frighten him.

“Ok cowboy.” Negan said. “We’ll be right here. Don’t let the flukeman get you in the port-a-potty.”

“The what?”

Negan rolled his eyes. “The X-Files?”

“Oh.” Rick said, “Yeah.” Not that it would surprise him if a toilet monster ate him; this whole experience was something out of The X-Files. Or even better, The Twilight Zone. Rick stood up.

“Negan?” He asked.

“Yeah?”

“The Twilight Zone, is that a real show?” Rick asked.

Negan laughed. “Yeah, why?”

“Just making sure.” Rick said, feeling relief that he hadn’t also invented entire iconic television shows while he slept.

Rick felt the autumn grass crunching underneath his boots, he found the outhouses, and when he was done, his eyes fell on the barn. Rick could see Sophia in his mind, clear as day. He approached slowly, people walking by on his way up. He froze, hearing the familiar sounds of danger. Rick lost his breath, dug his heel back into the dirt, trying not to scream.

There were several walkers exiting the barn, snarling and snapping at the people running out. Rick felt his heart race, and he tried to keep his mind in one place, but it wasn’t working. A young girl was cornered by a walker, screaming, or maybe she was laughing, but it sounded like screaming. Rick found himself running in a sprint, and he pushed himself between the girl and the walker.

The girl looked on in surprise as Rick tackled the walker, sending them both to the ground. And then she was screaming for a different reason. A few people ran off, and somebody dragged Rick off the walker. Rick stood up and looked wildly around him at the faces of the living and the dead.

And then Sophia was walking out, only she wasn’t one of the faces of the living. Rick fell to his knees and scrambled back up, tears catching in his throat. He ran towards her and she screamed his name, and then Rick felt his body halt when a hand grabbed the back of his jacket and pulled.

“ _Rick_.” Negan said, grabbing him tight in his arms. Rick felt tears fall down his face, his throat on fire.

“SOPHIA!” Rick screamed, his voice scratchy and hoarse. She flinched.

“Negan, what’s going on?” She asked, and Carl and Enid had appeared, as well as a crowd.

Rick was sobbing now. “I don’t understand!” He gasped, clawing at Negan like a wild animal, fighting his hold. “I don’t…”

“Shh.” Negan said, “It’s okay.”

“No!” Rick choked. “I…”

Rick felt lightheaded, and confused, and sick all at once.

“Rick!” Negan called, but Rick was slumping over, fading out into unconsciousness.

When Rick opened his eyes he was standing in the field by the barn, a cow mooed behind him. He looked around him in a panic and saw a figure standing by the barn. He walked over, and when he passed the posts that marked the field, it was suddenly daytime. Rick whirled around; the cow was still where it had been.

“What the fuck?” Rick breathed.

“Calm down.” A voice said. “You’re dreaming.”

Rick turned around. “Dale.”

“Do you know what that is?” He asked, pointing to where Rick had just come.

“What.” Rick said, but it was like a whisper.

“The field where I died.”

And Rick thought that sounded like an episode to something. Something Negan had said. How did he remember that?

Dale smiled. “The X-Files.”

“Right.” Rick said.

“That’s what the episode is about.” Dale said, walking past Rick, towards the field.

“What are you talking about?” Rick asked.

“Reincarnation.” Dale said. “Past lives.”

“I don’t…” Rick started, wondering why they were talking about TV.

“What’s going on?” Rick asked, his voice hard but emotional. “This is a dream right?”

Dale stood in the field and looked towards the forest.

“Dale!” Rick shouted. “I didn’t kill Randall!”

Rick caught up to Dale, when he past the posts, it turned night again. Rick did a spin, looking up at the sky; he shook his head and looked to Dale.

“I didn’t kill him.” Rick said, out of breath. “But I…I still killed people. After. A lot.”

Dale turned around. “What would you do with a second chance?”

Rick blinked. “I’d…I don’t know. That’s the thing, Dale. I don’t think I’d change any of it. Because it got us as far as we did…But none of it mattered. I couldn’t protect them. They needed me…they needed me and now I’m not there.”

“Maybe other people needed you more.” Dale said, and he gestured back towards the barn and the house.

“I don’t…what does that mean?”  Rick asked, he put his hands on his knees and dipped his head down, trying to catch his breath. When he lifted his head, Dale was gone. He thought he saw some shadows in the distance, familiar and calm, but he couldn’t be sure.

“Dale.” Rick said, he looked around. He had an odd feeling about the field, and he made his way back towards the barn. When he stepped past the posts, the sun appeared. Rick felt like he was going to get dizzy. He walked towards Hershel’s house, stepped onto the porch, felt the familiar creak of the boards. How could he forget.

He opened the door slowly, a hinge squeaking as the door glided open.

Rick woke up in a cold sweat. Beth was dabbing his forehead with a wet cloth.

“Beth.”

“Hey.” She smiled. “You feeling ok?”

Rick didn’t know if he could speak again. A tear slid down his cheek.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” Beth said, her voice sweet and gentle. “You’re ok.”

“I don’t know what’s happening to me.” Rick said, teeth clenched. “I feel like I’m going crazy.”

“You’re not.” Beth said. “You’re just adjusting. What did you dream about during your coma Rick?”

“An apocalypse, of the undead.” Rick said. “But it felt real, even though I know it wasn’t.”

“Tell me about it.” Beth said, stiffening her posture.

“There’s just…too much to say. But you were all there. And you didn’t make it. You were shot in the head.” Rick closed his eyes. “You were so close.”

Beth gave a gentle smile and moved the cloth away. She pressed a hand to his forehead and slid his hair back. When Rick opened his eyes, Beth looked like she wanted to cry.

“Beth…”

“Hm?” She asked, blinking and getting up. “I’ll tell Negan you’re awake.”

Rick didn’t have time to protest, Beth had already walked out the door. Rick looked around at his surroundings. He was in the same bedroom Carl had been in when he had been shot. For the first time. Kid had a bad track record. Just like his dad.

Negan walked in, a look of concern on his face.

“Rick.” He said, kneeling down at the side of the bed. “What happened?”

Rick looked at Negan and swallowed.

“I get it now.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked this chapter! This is the one where I feel like I've finally got my footing with this fic. Also you should check out my best bud's Rick/Negan fic "Red Canyon Outlaw" if you haven't (it just updated, actually!). It's SO good, TheRedBandit and I read each other's work and edit it before we upload, so trust me, there's so much good stuff coming in that fic that I know you'll love. Check it out! ;3c


	7. Pomegranate

Rick sat up in the bed and closed his eyes.

“Rick,” Negan said, extending a hand and resting it on the blanket, “It’s almost like you have post-traumatic stress.”

“Yeah...” Rick said, nodding. But how could a dream cause that?

“I’m cancelling your PT tomorrow.” Negan said. “You need to take it easy.”

“You don’t…” Rick started.

“Don’t fuckin’ fight me on this Rick.” Negan said.

Rick sighed, but there was no use in fighting it.

“Do you want to tell me what all of that was?” Negan asked. “Do you want to finally tell me what you drea…experienced?”

“I do.” Rick said. “But not now.”

“Alright.” Negan said. “At least that’s some fuckin’ progress. Fuck Rick, you really had me worried.”

“How are the kids?” Rick asked, ignoring Negan’s compassion.

“Fine. Judith was with Maggie at the time, she didn’t see. You’re really going to make me wait before you tell me what that was, aren’t you?”

“I just…I’m too tired right now. I have a lot to think about.” Rick said.

“Think you can make it to the car, or should I carry you?” Negan said, a small rabbit toothed smile peeking through his words.

Rick pulled the covers back and leapt out of the bed. Negan gave a dry laugh.

“Figured that would get you moving.” Negan said bitterly.

The next morning Negan let Rick sleep in late. Rick woke up to his head buried beneath his pillows; he didn’t have any more dreams. The day was slow, and Negan made sure Rick relaxed, even though Rick found it unnecessary. It was one of the more boring days, and Rick almost punched himself when he found himself thinking that. How could he be bored? Being bored was a good thing. It meant you were safe.

But it did give him a lot of time to think. About his dream with Dale. Could he make all that up? All that imagery? Well, if he was capable of creating an entire apocalyptic world, then sure. But something in Beth’s eyes…Rick shook his head. He would have to investigate that later.

The next day Rick was sitting in Morgan’s office, Negan on the other side of the door, absolutely refusing to leave. Morgan’s colleague Eastman was there, who listened quietly as Rick explained his situation. Eastman had Rick lie back again, and he counted him down until Rick was standing in front of Negan again.

Only this time, it flashed and was gone. And then Rick was in Alexandria, holding Michonne’s hand. Next thing he knew, he was at the prison, then he was in the forest, then he was in Atlanta.

Then he was waking up for the first time.

Then Carl was born. Then he was getting married. Going to school.

Until finally he remembered the last thing he could.

And then he was snapped back from the start of his life to the end. Negan standing over him.

“Jesus Rick. Don’t cry about it. You’ll make me fuckin’ emotional.” Negan said, giving a sly grin, tightening his grip on Lucille.

“Please.” Rick begged. “Please don’t.”

Negan lowered the bat a little. “You know I’m fucking sorry about this, don’t you Rick?”

Rick felt the top off the bat dig into his cheek, Negan holding Lucille low at his hips.

“Don’t you Rick?”

“ _PLEASE DON’T DO THIS_.” Rick screamed, his voice thick and heavy with tears.

And then Rick opened his eyes, clutched as his face, sprang up and gasped. Eastman and Morgan were staring at him with wide eyes. Negan burst into the room.

“What the fuck’s going on in here?!” He growled.

Rick shouted incoherently, something high pitched, and he felt that familiar weakness in the lower half of his body. He bolted before Negan could approach, locking himself in the bathroom of Morgan’s office.

“What the fuck is going on in here?” He heard Negan say again, and then he heard Eastman and Morgan’s voices speaking at once.

Rick turned the fan on; he didn’t want to hear Negan’s voice anymore. He backed up, his hand gliding on the granite countertop. He opened the toilet seat and sat down, too shaky to stand. Rick put his head in his hands and breathed deeply. But it didn’t take long for there to be a knock at the door.

Rick jumped.

“RICK!” Negan shouted over the fan.

Rick grabbed his pants and hastily pulled them back up, withdrawing himself into a corner.

“RICK!”

He could hear shuffling outside, and then the doorknob was moving back and forth, someone had a key. Rick jumped and slammed himself against the door before they could open it.

“ _RICK_.”

Rick flicked the fan off.

“Are you him?!” He shouted, the side of his face against the door.

“Am I who?” Negan asked.

“Which Negan are you?!” Rick cried, his voice cracking.

“I’m…the good one! I’m the good one!” Negan’s voice was pleading.

“How do I know that?” Rick said, tears falling down his face.

“Rick, I’m the one who loves you. And Judith. And Carl. And they need you Rick.”

Rick’s hold on the door softened, a voice spoke in his head. ‘Maybe other people needed you more.’

“I need you.” Negan’s voice was tight and hoarse.

Rick closed his eyes and let his hands fall; he stepped out of the way. Negan opened the door quickly and paused when he saw Rick standing there. Eastman and Morgan were right behind him.

Rick’s lip quivered, and he put his hands to his face and sobbed. Negan didn’t know what to do, so Rick dropped his hands and held them out. Negan gave a deep breath and stepped forward, wrapping his arms around Rick’s torso and holding him tight.

“You’re going to be okay.” Negan whispered.

“Promise me.” Rick whispered back.

“I promise. I fucking promise. You’re going to be okay.”

“I want to go home.” Rick said, his head buried in the taller man’s chest. “Your home.”

Rick was no longer wishing to go back to his home, not after living through it a third time. And he didn’t know what was going on for sure, but he knew this Negan wasn’t going to bash his head in, and right now he needed someone to hold him, even if it was the man that had killed him. Stranger things could still happen.

“Negan,” Morgan’s voice said from behind him, “I think something serious is going on here. I think it would be best if Rick was evaluated-

“NO.” Negan snapped. “I’m taking him home. And no more of whatever-the-fuck kind of shit was going on here.”

Rick let Negan be gentle with him, let him take him home, walk him inside.

“Tell me what happened.” Negan said, sitting down next to Rick’s spot on the couch. He handed him a mug of hot tea.

Rick sighed, he had calmed down considerably since leaving the office.

“The last thing I remember before waking up is…you, slamming a baseball bat covered in barbed wire down on my head.”

“What?” Negan almost laughed, but he didn’t. Rick was staring straight ahead.

Rick felt his hands shaking a little, he thought it would be easy to explain to Negan now, but it was different said than done.

“I was living in a zombie apocalypse. I had a group, a family. Everyone we know, they were there. Even Abraham, Rosita, Tara. They were there. They were my family. And you…”

Rick found himself searching Negan’s eyes, trying to find something else in them. But they were the same. They were the exact same.

“You were the leader of your own group. But you weren’t like us. You called your bat Lucille. And you killed Abraham with it. And then you killed Glenn. And then you killed me. And a lot of people in between.”

“You don’t really think I would do that, though, do you?” Negan asked. “Although I guess you’ve made it pretty obvious you do…”

Rick swallowed. “You have to understand. That was all I knew of you. All I remember is how you were in my world.”

“In your dreams.” Negan said.

Rick looked away. “…Yeah. That’s all I know of anyone.”

“So in your version of events, I’m some psycho killer?”

“Yes.” Rick said, but it came out quieter than he intended.

“So what…your subconscious thinks that of me or something?”

Rick wanted to say no, because he was wholly convinced that it wasn’t his subconscious. It was real. But he was on thin ice with all his doctors, and he couldn’t give Negan a reason to have him evaluated.

“I don’t know.” Rick said. “Maybe it was just a nightmare.”

But why would a nightmare last so long before bringing his fiancé in?

“You really scared me Rick. All I heard was screaming, I..I didn’t know what to think. I’m sorry I scared you. I didn’t know if they were doing something to you…cause of what you screamed but…I guess you were screaming at…me.”

Rick met Negan’s eyes again, but he didn’t know what to say.

“So the other night…you thought those zombies were real.” Negan murmured.

Rick nodded, biting his lip. “Did I hurt that guy?”

“Yeah, you did.” Negan said. “But he’s one of Hershel’s family members, so we convinced him to be…okay with it.”

Rick’s fingers were warm from the mug. He brought it to his face and inhaled.  

“What’s in this?” Rick asked.

“Pomegranate.” Negan said.

Rick hesitated; it wasn’t a big decision to drink a cup of tea, but taking it from Negan felt like he was accepting something. He took a sip.

“Good?” Negan asked.

Rick closed his eyes. He didn’t know what was going on his life, for certain, but he was growing more confident in the idea that he wasn’t going to return to his old life. He was stuck here whether he liked it or not, and he was stuck with this strange version of Negan that made him tea and held him. The taste of pomegranate coated Rick’s mouth, he swallowed.

“Well?”

Rick brought the mug back to his lips and drank the rest in one go.

“Guess I make a fucking fine cup of tea huh?” Negan grinned.

“Yeah.” Rick said. “You do, actually.”

Negan cleared his throat. “So-

“Do you mind if I go rest?” Rick asked, interrupting him.

“N-no, of course not.” Negan said. “Here, I’ll just take that from you.”

Rick handed Negan the mug and walked up the stairs to his bed. He couldn’t ignore that guilty feeling that always came when he talked to Negan too long. He knew it wasn’t fair, the way they looked at each other. Rick, staring into the eyes of a man who used to torture him. Negan, staring into the eyes of a man who used to love him. It was a losing hand, Rick knew that. Sometimes he felt like if their conversation lasted longer than a few minutes…he didn’t know how to finish that thought, because he wasn’t sure what would come out of it. All he wanted was to feel less fucked up, didn’t that mean letting himself get close to Negan? He pulled the covers down and got into their bed; sleeping next to Negan had become normal, surprisingly. Rick had done a pretty good job convincing himself that this was a different man. But after today, he was sure any movement from Negan was going to startle him into panic.

Rick thought about what it must be like to stand in Negan’s shoes. Hadn’t Rick been there? He had freaked out before, gone off the deep end, he had seen fear in his family’s eyes, directed towards him. Carl had feared him before. And all those times had been awful, like Rick was watching himself and couldn’t do anything to stop it. There’s nothing worse than someone you love finding something to fear about you.

Rick woke up to the sound of something crashing downstairs. He jumped up and ran downstairs without a second thought.

Rick found Negan in the kitchen, surrounded by broken glass.

“Fuck Rick,” He said, “I’m sorry I woke you.”

“What happened?” Rick asked, pausing where he stood when he saw the glass.

“I just dropped a glass.” Negan said. “It’s fine. You can go back upstairs.”

Rick watched Negan grab a dustpan and a brush. He noticed that Negan’s hands were shaking as he cleaned up the shards.

“What’s…wrong?” Rick asked.

“Nothing. Nothing.” Negan said, avoiding Rick’s gaze, his head down.

“S-step back, you’ll get cut.” Negan said quietly, sweeping up the glass.

“Negan…”

“I’m fine.” Negan said. “I’m fine.”

Rick said nothing.

“Fuck Rick!” Negan gasped, Rick jumped. “I told you you can go back upstairs.”

Rick didn’t know what to do. He didn’t know if he could do anything. Negan was surrounded by glass; Rick couldn’t reach out to him if he wanted to. So he didn’t. Rick turned around and walked back up the stairs. He would have sworn he could hear Negan crying. Neither of them were having a good time, clearly.

An hour later Rick walked back downstairs, the first floor was empty. Judith was in her room, asleep. Negan must have gotten her while Rick was taking a nap. Carl was working his job. Rick still felt bad that Carl had postponed college because of him. He turned to look to the front door, his eyes falling on the window; he saw Negan sitting outside on the porch.

Rick wandered into the kitchen and started looking for tea ingredients. They were still laid out from earlier, so Rick boiled water and made two mugs of pomegranate tea, carrying each outside.

“Hey.” Rick said, and he handed Negan the mug and sat down beside him.

“What’s this?” Negan asked.

“I just figured you could use some too.” Rick said. “I’m sorry.”

“So you really hate me.” Negan murmured, bringing the mug up to his mouth.

“Yeah. I did.” Rick said.

“Past tense?” Negan asked.

“Well. It wasn’t you. I still hate that Negan. But you’re not him. It wouldn’t be fair to hate you.” Rick said.

Negan took a long sip.

“I just look like him. And that’s what scares you.” Negan said.

“Yes.” Rick said. “I’m sorry. I wish I could get used to you. Your body, your eyes, but you’re exactly the same.”

“What was I like?”

Rick sighed. “Unhinged. Calm. Funny.”

“Funny?”

“Not to us.” Rick said. “But you thought you were quite the comedian.”

“So everyone was there?” Negan said, he looked across the street. “I killed Glenn?”

Rick felt tears well up behind his eyes out of nowhere. But they weren’t out of nowhere, not really. Rick downed his mug to avoid crying.

“Yeah.” Rick said, letting the word slip when he breathed out.

“Why was I the bad guy?” Negan asked.

“Because…” Rick started. “Because of circumstance. I guess. Maybe I would have become you if things had happened differently.”

“That doesn’t sound fair.” Negan said.

“That world wasn’t fair.” Rick said. “Not to any of us.”

“Hell of a dream.” Negan said, but it seemed like even he wasn’t so sure.

“Yeah.” Rick murmured, the taste of pomegranate sliding down his throat.

“I shouldn’t be accepting this.” Negan said, staring at his mug.

Rick hesitated. “What do you-

“I should be fighting it. I shouldn’t let you talk to me about your dream as though it were real. But I can’t help it. I don’t want you to be crazy. So I’m just letting myself believe you. I know it’s wrong. I know it’s not going to help you. But you seem so goddamn fucking convinced. And for some reason. I want to be convinced too. Because there’s just this part of me that doesn’t… _recognize_ you. I don’t recognize _my_ Rick.”

They were silent for a moment.

“But if that’s true. For any unbelievable reason, if that’s true, if you’re not my Rick, then where did _my_ Rick go?”

Rick watched Negan’s hand slack, the rest of his pomegranate tea dripping red onto the porch. Rick’s eyes followed the red liquid down, where it hit the wood and splattered at Negan’s feet.

Rick had to wonder if that was an answer to the question.


	8. Golden Apple Pair

Rick forced his gaze away, followed Negan’s body up to his face. Negan was staring intently at the lawn, seemingly unaware at the tea pooling around his shoes.

“I don’t know.” Rick whispered. “But I’m going to find out.”

Things were different after that moment, a thought Rick had the next day when he was sitting on the couch watching television. There wasn’t animosity anymore. They were no longer enemies. There was something else now. Not something good, or positive, but it wasn’t like it was before. Maybe it was an understanding. Almost like they both knew they were strangers to each other, inhabiting the same space but not stepping over invisible lines. Rick could hear Negan from the kitchen, speaking into the phone.

“Well,” Negan’s frustrated voice said, “I’m not bringing him back. He’s fine.”

There was a sigh.

“He’s not violent. He’s not violent! He’s fine now. He wouldn’t hurt the kids. No, he wouldn’t hurt me either.”

Rick looked at his feet, he wanted to laugh. The idea of people being worried he’d hurt Negan was humorous to him, considering those were the same people who wondered why he hadn’t already hurt him in his old world. But, Rick thought, circumstances.

Rick left the house to take another walk. When he was returning home, he noticed Maggie had pulled into her driveway.

“Maggie!” He called.

“Hi Rick, what’s up?” She asked, walking down to the sidewalk to join him.

“Uh,” Rick said, wondering how he could frame his question, “I’m still trying to remember everything…did something happen to Beth a while ago?”

“Hey, not bad.” She said. “Yeah, Beth was thrown off a horse, she almost died, but she didn’t.”

Rick just nodded. “Thanks.”

“Is that all you wanted to know?” Maggie asked.

“Yeah, it was just…in my mind. Thanks.”

“Anytime.” Maggie gave him a sweet smile.

Rick jogged across the street back to his house; feeling like his suspicions had been confirmed. Negan was sitting on the couch when he got back inside.

“Negan…” Rick said, standing awkwardly in front of the TV. “Can I ask you a favor?”

“Sure, what?” Negan asked.

“Will you take me to the hospital?” Rick asked.

Negan hesitated. “What? Why?”

“I just, want to talk to Beth.” Rick said.

“Why? You know, you’re not crazy.” Negan was fumbling for words now.

“No it’s just; I want to talk to her. Can you take me? Unless I’m allowed to drive now…” Rick didn’t want to take Negan on this journey, but he felt like asking to drive was a lost cause.

“Ok,” Negan said, “I’ll take you.”

Rick thought about what he was going to say to Beth. The way she had acted at Hershel’s had seemed a little too strange to him, and he wanted to investigate. And even though he had accepted that he wasn’t going anywhere, he was still searching for answers.

Negan pulled into the parking lot of the hospital and parked Lucille.

“You stay here.” Rick said.

“Rick, what are we doing here?”

“Just…I’ll tell you later, ok?”

“Yeah, ok.” Negan sighed. “Just text me if you need me.”

“Ok.” Rick said, and he left Negan to sit alone.

Rick put his hands in his jacket’s pockets. Not so surprisingly, it was the same jacket he had been wearing for the past year. In a way, it gave him a reassuring feeling and a confidence boost. He was about to walk into the hospital when he saw Beth walking down the sidewalk.

“Beth!” He called, doing a small jog to catch up.

She turned around, “Rick. What are you doing here?”

“I wanted to talk to you.” He said. “Do you have a minute?”

Beth seemed nervous. “Um. Yeah, I guess. I was just going to my car.”

“Could we talk in there? It’s…private.”

“Um, I don’t…”

“It’s not for any creepy reason.” Rick said quickly.

“No I know,” Beth said, giving a small laugh, “Um…okay. Yes. Let’s talk.”

Rick followed Beth to her car and got into the passenger side.

“So…” Beth started. “What’s up?”

Rick looked into her eyes for a few seconds, he took a deep breath.

“Beth…do you know me?”

“What do you mean? Of course I know you.” But she was avoiding his gaze.

“No. Not him.” Rick said, and he watched her freeze. “Me. Do you know _me_ , Beth.”

She was silent.

“Beth…” Rick whispered. “ _Were you there with me?_ ”

Beth put a hand to her mouth and closed her eyes.

“You were, weren’t you? You woke up here, and you were told you fell off a horse. Isn’t that right?”

Beth wiped a tear from her eye before it could fall.

“ _Is it really you?_ ” She whispered.

“Yes,” Rick said gently, “It’s really me.”

Beth didn’t say anything else before leaning forward and wrapping her arms around Rick. Rick hugged her back, tight and protective, and it was the most Rick felt at home in the past month.

“When I saw you freak out on Halloween, I…I didn’t know what to think. I just stood there in awe, I almost started to panic myself…I had to hold onto Daryl…and then when you were in the house and you told me what you had dreamt I…I just couldn’t believe it.” Beth said, her hair against his face.

“Even now I can’t believe you’re here.”

“Believe me,” Rick murmured, “Neither can I.”

Beth pulled away. “Tell me what happened. Everything. I need to know.”

“You tell me first.” Rick said.

Beth took a deep breath. “The last thing I remember was stabbing Dawn…then I was waking up on the farm. And my dad was telling me I fell off my horse. _My dad_ , Rick. _Hershel_.”

“What did you do?” Rick asked.

“I freaked out.” Beth said. “I thought I was in heaven.”

Rick wanted to laugh. Beth thought she was heaven, he thought he was in hell.

“I spent a month in an inpatient facility, before I realized I had to play the game.” She said.

“The game.” Rick murmured. Of course, it was the same game he was playing now.

“I had to accept where I was, even though I didn’t want to.” Beth said. “Eventually it just got…easy. And somehow I was able to just…slide right into this Beth’s life. To the point where I can be at the farm during Halloween and be okay.”

Rick couldn’t believe it. He thought he was completely alone.

“Is there anyone…else…?” Rick asked, swallowing hard.

“No,” Beth said gently, “No. At least, I don’t think so.”

Rick nodded. “So Glenn…”

Beth’s eyes widened, as though she were remembering what Rick had told her when he woke up.

“Rick, _what happened_.”

“Daryl shot Dawn.” Rick said. “Then we started to leave Atlanta. Tyreese didn’t make it. Then we met a guy named Aaron, and he took us to a protected neighborhood called Alexandria. They weren’t experienced…but they weren’t like Woodbury. It was safe. You would have liked it.”

“What about Noah?” Beth asked.

Rick sighed. “He didn’t make it.”

Beth closed her eyes, but nodded.

“Alexandria almost didn’t make it either.” Rick said. “There was a group called the Wolves who attacked us. But we stopped them. Then we met a man named Jesus.”

“Jesus?” Beth said.

“Yeah,” Rick said, “You would have liked him too. He was a part of another community called the Hilltop. That’s when we found out about…”

Rick trailed off.

“About what?”

“The Saviors.”

“Who were they?” Beth asked.

“We were told that they were controlling the surrounding communities.” Rick said. “And they would come for us…so we came for them before that could happen. At an outpost. We killed them all. But it wasn’t all of them. Not even close. And they were led by a man. And eventually they caught up to us. Caught us.”

“And that man. It was Negan, wasn’t it?”

Rick nodded.

“What was he like?”

“Evil.” Rick said. “Well, maybe. I don’t really know if he was any more evil than us, depending on perspective.” And Rick couldn’t believe what he was saying.

“What happened?” Beth asked, her voice catching in her throat.

“He had captured a bunch of us. Lined us up. Had a baseball bat with barbed wire around it, he needed to make a point. It was how he did things. Controlled us by killing one of us right off the bat…” Rick stopped at his choice of words. “And he picked Abraham.”

Rick gave a deep breath.

“And then Daryl…”

Beth seemed to freeze at the mention of his name.

“Daryl freaked out, and the punishment for that was Glenn.” Rick said, his voice devoid of emotion.

Beth hung her head and exhaled a long, deep breath.

“What about Maggie.” Beth said, and her voice was a whisper.

“She’s okay.” Rick said. “She’s good. She’s strong. And she’s…pregnant.”

Rick watched as tears fell down Beth’s face.

“She’s going to make it.” Beth said. “I know she is.”

“So do I.” Rick said.

“And you?” Beth asked, and she started to cry. “I don’t understand. How could it be you?”

“Negan got me.” Rick said. “It was a while after he took control. We tried to fight back, but it didn’t work. So we were punished. And he chose me.”

“It’s not right!” She cried. “You were supposed to make it. Out of all of us, it’s not right.”

Rick put his head down. “I’m sorry.”

He felt Beth’s fingers in his hair, gently pushing back like she had before.

“Don’t apologize.” She said. “I know you did all you could for us.”

Rick wiped tears from his eyes and looked back up.

“That’s why you were so afraid of him.” Beth murmured.

“I wish I could explain how terrifying he was.” Rick whispered. “No one here will ever understand it.”

“Rick. If _you_ were afraid of him, then I already know.”

“I still don’t understand,” Rick said, “How is this happening? How are we here?”

“I don’t know.” Beth said. “For some reason, we were needed here.”

“We didn’t…switch…places…did we?” Rick put his hand to his mouth as though he was going to be sick. “Did the other Rick get killed by the man he loved?”

“I don’t think so.” Beth said, confidence in her voice. “I woke up here after allegedly being unresponsive for a few minutes. And…you flatlined, Rick. And then you came back. And now it makes sense.”

“So the other Rick. He died from his injuries.”

“Yeah.” Beth said. “It looks that way.”

And Rick thought that was still just as heartbreaking.

“I have to tell him.” Rick said.

“Rick, you can’t.”

“So you just let your family believe the other Beth is still here?”

“I have to, yes.” Beth said. “It’s for the best. And I can’t tell you what to do. But I won’t say I think it’s a good idea.”

“I can’t lie to him.” Rick said. “And it’s not out of...caring for him. It’s because I just can’t do it. I can’t pretend I’m the other Rick. I can’t love him. I can’t. I won’t.”

“To be fair, that would be asking you a lot.” Beth replied.

“And that’s why I don’t know why I’m here. If this world needed Rick Grimes, why did it pick me? Because it was convenient timing? If something pulled me into this life, why did it bother? It had to have known it wouldn’t have worked. That’s not exactly a perfect divine plan.” Rick said.

“I don’t know Rick. That sounds like a question for Dale.”

“D…Dale? You’ve talked to Dale?” Rick asked.

Beth smiled. “Yes, I’ve talked to Dale.”

“So us three, we’re all from another world?”

“Well, I don’t know about Dale, per se.”

“What…” Rick said. “What does that mean?”

“Dale’s just…Dale. I don’t know. It’s strange. I sometimes don’t know if he’s really there.” Beth said. “Well, he is there. But…do you know what I’m trying to say?”

Rick thought about the hill. The perfect unclaimed hill, with two plastic lawn chairs at the top, one empty, waiting.

“Yeah,” Rick said, “I think I know what you mean.”

“I never thought I’d see anyone from there again.” Beth said. “I’m sorry about what happened to you, but I’m glad you’re here.”

“I’m glad you’re here too.” Rick said. “I thought I was going crazy.”

“Just be careful please.” Beth said. “I don’t have all the answers, but I know that much.”

Rick took a deep breath. “I know. I will be.”

They embraced again, holding each other tight. Rick didn’t know for how long. Beth was his only true family in this world, more biological than his own kids. Finally, it seemed, they got out of the car. Rick took down Beth’s number in his phone and walked back to the black Cadillac. When he opened the door, Negan was asleep. Rick hadn’t realized how long he had been talking to Beth, between catching up and having a cry fest, the minutes must have gone by without Rick’s notice.

“Hey.” Rick said, Negan waking when Rick sat down on the seat.

“Oh,” Negan said, “You done?”

“Yeah.”

Negan sat up in his chair. “What did you have to talk to Beth about?”

Beth’s words of warning rang in Rick’s ears. He didn’t know if he’d heed her advice, but he should at least marinate on it.

“I was just curious about the coma’s effects on the body.” Rick said.

Negan turned the key in the ignition. “Shit Grimes, I don’t really know who you are these days, but you’re one hell of a shitty liar.”

Rick just blinked.

“Fine, you don’t have to tell me your business, I guess. But stop lying to me about it, cause it’s annoying as fuck.”

Rick sighed. “Fine.”

They were silent on the drive home. Rick was watching the streets pass by, trying to wrap his head around all the information he had uncovered today. He fought off the idea that he was crazy, if he could live in a world where the apocalypse was real, then his current situation couldn’t be that unbelievable. But that world had rules, and this one seemed bent on breaking them.

Regardless, Beth was able to confirm everything he was experiencing, and he trusted her. She had been navigating this world for a while now, and he knew he could go to her anytime he needed help.

“Thanksgiving is coming up.” Negan said. “We’re hosting.”

“Why hasn’t any of my family come to see me?” Rick asked.

Negan sighed. “I wanted you to be on your feet before they traveled.”

“And by that you mean you wanted to make sure I wouldn’t act erratic.” Rick said.

Negan sighed again. “Yeah.”

“Yeah,” Rick said, “So maybe we both won’t lie to each other.”

“Or maybe we should just get better at it.” Negan said.

“Maybe.”

And Rick didn’t know if that was a fight or if they were teasing each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally I'm going to be able to reply to your guys' comments xD I had to keep my mouth shut for a long time, I guess there's still some things to uncover, but Rick has definitely figured out the biggest chunk of what's been going on. A lot of you guys hit the nail on the head and I couldn't say anything lol!! Thanks for reading so far <3


	9. Fig

On Thanksgiving night, when dishes were stacked high in the kitchen, and sleepy family members occupied the basement, spare bedroom, and living room, Rick lied awake staring at the ceiling. He tilted his head slowly, his wide eyes falling on Negan’s sleeping face next to him. Rick moved his head back so that he was staring at the ceiling again. Fuck. Thanksgiving. So that’s when it had finally happened. Rick had dismissed the thoughts, avoided the conversations, laughed at the idea. But on the night of Thanksgiving, while Rick lied in bed, nearly 7 weeks after he had woken up, he had to accept it. He had really, earlier that day, looked at Negan, and came to the realization that he was, in some disturbing, depraved way, physically attractive.

And then there was that other thing that happened.

Rick didn’t know what to think about that.

He couldn’t fall asleep.  

* * *

 

“Do we even have enough room to host overnight?” Rick had asked a few days before Thanksgiving.

“It’s just your side of the family.” Negan said.

“Why do I feel like you’d enjoy throwing your in-laws on the sofa?” Rick asked.

Negan gave a rabbit toothed smile. “Who me? No, they’re great.”

Rick rolled his eyes.

“Don’t worry,” Negan said, “It’s only the people that are traveling far. Your parents get the spare bedroom, Jeff gets the couch, and Amber, Mark and the kids get shoved in the basement.”

“Amber.” Rick said. “Lori’s sister.”

“Yeah,” Negan said.

“So…Jeff isn’t married or anything.” Rick said blankly, remembering his free spirited brother from his other life.

Negan laughed. “Well, he’s in a long distance relationship with a girl from Spain, if that makes you feel better.”

“Not particularly.” Rick said, finding the position of older brother was easy to fall back into.

“Well, I tried to get my family to come down, but it’s probably for the best. This house isn’t that big.” Negan muttered. “Lori’s parents should host, but you know how they are.”

There was an odd feeling to the conversation. It felt too domestic, and not just domestic, Rick thought, but natural.

Rick laughed anyway. “Yeah I do, actually.”

Negan gave a guilty smile. “Hey, it’s not every lifetime you get saddled with two sets of in-laws.”

And it’s not every lifetime you get saddled with your worst enemy as your fiancé.

“What about me?” Rick asked. “Is Lucille’s family in the picture?”

If the mood had indeed been positive and brimming with signs of progress in their small friendship, it halted as soon as Rick’s question hit Negan’s ears.

“No.” He said abruptly, and a little angrily. “They’re not.”

“Sorry.” Rick said.

“It’s not your fault.” Negan said. “Look. I might complain about your family, but they’re a metric fuckton better than Lucille’s. And I appreciate that.”

“Oh,” Rick said, “Well, thanks.”

Rick’s extended family consisted of his parents, his brother Jeffrey, his aunt and uncle, and his cousins Lilly and Steven. They were both married with one kid each. Lori’s family was comprised of her parents, her sister Amber, her husband, and their two kids, a boy and a girl named Josh and Emily. Lori also had a brother, who was divorced, but whose ex-wife insisted on coming anyway.

And they were all going to be packed in Rick’s house in a matter of days. Rick was surprised at how easy it was to groan at the idea. Even though he should be excited to not only see his family, but see them in a situation that was safe and happy.

“Anyway,” Negan said, “I’ve gotta go pick up Judith. Shouldn’t you be going on a walk?”

Abraham had told Rick to keep walking around the neighborhood now that his Physical Therapy had ended.

“I was just about to go.” Rick said and it came out more irritated than he wanted it to.

“Hey,” Negan said, “I’m just trying to make sure you stay strong.”

Rick wanted to laugh. The motivation behind Rick getting back on his feet was to take out the man standing in front of him. And now that same person was encouraging he stay strong. And Rick didn’t want to hurt him anymore. There was that too.

Rick breathed in the November air and put his hands in his pockets. On his way back around the block, he saw a familiar shape ahead on that perfect unclaimed hill.

He walked over and joined Dale on the lawn chairs.

“So we’re going to have another conversation.” Dale said.

“Yeah, we are.” Rick said.

“How are you doing these days?” He asked.

“Better. Now that I have Beth.” Rick looked at Dale, like he was trying to find the answers on his face, but Dale didn’t give anything away.

“Good.” He said.

“I don’t get it. Why didn’t you tell me about her?”

“Because I knew you’d find out on your own.” Dale said.

Rick sighed. “Well, Dale, I don’t know what your divine plan is, or what the divine plan of whoever you’re working for is, but you picked the wrong guy.”

“Oh?” Dale asked. “Is that right?”

Rick fidgeted. “Well, yes, you said my family here needs me, but…certain members of that family…aren’t going to get what they need.”

Dale laughed. “And that’s right too?”

“ _Dale_ ,” Rick said, a bitter laugh in his voice, “It’s not going to happen. It can’t. You know where I’m from. It’s not happening. I’m not going to…fall in love with him.”

“You seem really sure for a guy that’s really not sure of all that much.”

“Oh,” Rick said, “I’m pretty damn sure about this one.”

“If you say so.” Dale said.

Rick laughed. “You…you really think I could fall in love with him? Dale. Really.”

But Dale didn’t say anything.

“I’m…” Rick started. “I’m not going to. And it’s getting pretty fucking funny that you think I even could.”

Rick slumped in the plastic chair, feeling it bend behind his back. This was a ridiculous conversation.

“Do you still think they’d be better off without you?” Dale asked.

Rick sighed. “I. I don’t know. I like being here. Besides the fucked up part. I like being here. And it makes me feel guilty as hell.”

“Why do you feel guilty?” Dale asked.

“Because I’m sitting here enjoying a safe walker-free life and my family is probably dying. Or worse.”

“Rick, you can’t control their lives now and you couldn’t control their lives then.”

Rick closed his eyes. “I guess you’re right about that.”

“And you’ve got a new set of people to take care of now.”

Rick opened his eyes. “I’m taking care of them?” He scoffed. “They’re taking care of me.”

“For now, maybe.” Dale said.

“So what are you saying? That I’m here to be a leader again?” Rick asked.

“I told you, this world needs Rick Grimes.” Dale said.

“I’m starting to think you pulled me here without divine permission.” Rick muttered.

Dale laughed, but didn’t say anything.

“If that’s true I’m going to be really fucking pissed at you.”

Dale held up his hands. “Just try not to feel so guilty, you deserve safety and happiness.”

Rick looked at his feet. He did, didn’t he? Everything he had been through, all the trauma, all the bloodshed, he deserved safety and happiness.

“I’m still not going to fall in love with him.”

Rick returned home to find Judith asleep in her room. Negan was in the kitchen on his hands and knees scrubbing in the corners of the cabinetry.

“What’s going on?” Rick asked.

“I’m cleaning the house.” Negan said.

“Isn’t that a little overkill?” Rick asked when Negan stuck his head under the cabinet.

“I kind of let things go when you were asleep.”

“Do you…need any help?” Rick asked.

Negan stuck his head back out, “Actually, I could use your help cleaning the basement. And getting the air mattress out.”

Rick had seen the disaster brewing in the basement already, toys and clutter had dominated the space.

“Sure.”

Rick followed Negan down to the basement. Negan opened the double doors that led to the crawlspace. It was an overcrowded stuffed mess.

“I don’t know how we’re going to get to the air mattress.” Negan muttered, scratching his head.

Rick surveyed the crawlspace. “I got it.”

Before Negan could say anything, Rick did a quick run to the wall, put his hands on the entrance to the crawl space, and used one foot to jump off, landing in the crawlspace cleanly on his feet.

“Where did you learn how to do that?” Negan scoffed.

“Oh,” Rick said, giving a shy smile, “Physical therapy.”

“Huh, I think the air mattress is in the back left corner, so maybe I can get up there and we can move some things down here-

“No I got it.” Rick said.

Rick had navigated spaces like this dozens, or maybe even hundreds, of times. He disappeared from Negan’s view and pushed himself through the clutter. Rick couldn’t see Negan anymore, and the space felt too familiar. He half expected a surprise walker to be hiding out amongst the boxes and other random crap. He located the air mattress folded up in the corner.

Rick appeared again on the other side and balanced on his feet as he handed the mattress to Negan.

“Did you learn that in Physical Therapy too?” Negan asked.

Rick just looked at him. No. He had learned it from Glenn.

Negan grabbed one end and it unfolded.

“Just hold it and I’ll pull it out.” Negan said.

Rick held on to the one end, and as Negan was pulling it out, it got caught on something behind Rick.

“Ok hang on.” Rick said, he grabbed onto the end of the mattress and unhooked it from what it had caught itself on. “Ok-

Negan suddenly pulled the mattress with all his strength, sending Rick and the deflated mattress flying out of the crawlspace. Rick landed on his shoulder and tried to tuck and roll, he landed clumsily on the carpet in front of Negan’s feet.

“Holy fuck!” Negan yelled. “Shit! I’m sorry. I thought you were good.”

Rick groaned. “God.”

Negan helped Rick up and apologized again.

“You would have been useless on runs.” Rick muttered.

“What?” Negan asked.

“Oh, just, in my coma dream, me and my people sometimes went on runs for supplies. You just…had everyone do that shit for you.” Rick said.

Negan laughed. “Well I sound pretty smart.”

Rick blinked and looked away, Negan cleared his throat.

“Well, let’s finish cleaning up the basement before we blow this up.” Negan took a step back, screamed, and went down like a brick.

Rick watched Negan grab his foot and writhe on the ground.

“Holy shit fucking fuck!!! FUCKING…motherfucker!” Negan spat. “These goddamn _motherfucking LEGOS_.”

Rick burst out laughing, doubling over; he grabbed at his heart and felt tears springing in his eyes.

“It’s not funny!” Negan cried, letting out groans of pain.

“Y-yes it is.” Rick breathed. “All this fucking time, all this fucking time…all we needed was goddamn legos. It’s hilarious.”

Rick fell over onto one of the armchairs, trying to catch his breath, watching his greatest adversary whine on the ground in pain.

“Fuck you Grimes.” Negan growled, he finally sat up. “This is all your doing too. You’re the messy one. And now the kids are messy.”

Rick let out a breathless laugh.

“I think that’s the most enjoyment I’ve seen from you yet.” Negan said. “Glad to be of assistance.”

Rick couldn’t help the smile on his face. Negan stood up and smirked. When Carl got home, they spent the rest of the day finishing up cleaning the house. Carl and Rick were cleaning the hallway bathroom.

“So are you two like…cool now?” Carl asked.

Rick stopped scrubbing the bathtub. “Well…”

What _was_ the answer to that question?

“Getting there.” Rick said.

“Ok.” Carl didn’t say anything else about the subject.

“You start school in January.” Rick said, and it still felt weird to say. “Are you excited?”

“Yeah,” Carl said, “I’m going to have a room all to myself which will be cool.”

“Good. Good.” Rick wondered what it was going to be like to be with Negan without Carl as a buffer. Carl had been one of the only things making life here bearable. It was easier to get along with Negan with Carl serving as a bridge between the two. When Carl left, the bridge would collapse. Rick didn’t know if there was anything that could hold it together.

“You guys will have to help me move in before Christmas.” Carl said. “While everyone is on break.”

“Just put it on the calendar.” Rick said, and he couldn’t help but imagine it. Helping Carl move into his dorm room was a milestone moment, and it would be shared with Negan. And even though he didn’t hate this version of the man, it was still fucked up that he was sharing all his kids moments with the guy.

The next day Rick accompanied Negan to the grocery store to get everything for dinner. Rick pushed the cart and stopped when Negan started grabbing boxes of instant mashed potatoes.

“What are you doing?” Rick asked.

“What?”

“You’re making instant potatoes. Instead of homemade?”

Negan rolled his eyes. “Jesus, don’t give me that look like I just shot you…” Negan stopped. “Er, I mean, I get you southerners take your food seriously, but unless you want to spend hours trying to get bumps out of the mashed potatoes, this is what we’re going to do. And no one’s gonna notice.”

Rick relented, mostly because getting into an argument about dinner with Negan felt too stupid and unreal. They turned a corner and bumped into another cart.

“Oh, hey guys.” It was Michonne.

“Michonne.” Rick said. “Hi.”

“How are you doing?” She asked.

“Fine,” Rick said, “Better. How are you?”

“I’m good.” Michonne smiled. “Looks like we’re both last minute shoppers. We should nip that in the bud before Christmas.”

Rick laughed. “Yeah...maybe we could do something with the kids, around Christmas.”

Michonne nodded. “Okay, yeah, that could be fun.”

Michonne said goodbye and pushed her cart down another aisle. Rick could feel Negan’s eyes on him.

“You got a thing for her Grimes?” Negan’s voice said from behind him. His tone was playful, but there was something under it. Jealously. Maybe hurt.

“We had a thing. In my…old life.” Rick said, turning around. “Unless you want me to lie and say no.”

“Huh.” Negan said. “You still got a thing for her?”

Rick blinked. “I don’t know. It’s not really her, is it?”

“I guess not. Grimes.” Negan said.

“You gonna keep calling me Grimes now?” Rick asked.

“I don’t know.” Negan said. “It’s not really you, is it?”

Rick felt the hair on the back of his neck bristle. “I guess not.”

“Come on,” Negan muttered, “We still need the turkey.”

Rick watched Negan take the cart from him. His mood had totally changed. Of course. Negan was jealous. It had to be pretty awful to watch your fiancé giving heart eyes to someone else. But it was also Negan being Negan, Rick thought, he would be the jealous type.

When they pulled into the driveway back home, Negan stopped the car and looked at Rick.

“Look,” he said, “I get it. Or I don’t, but I do _enough_. But all I ask is that tomorrow can you just pretend that you…like me?”

“Yeah, of course.” Rick said. The last thing he needed was his family thinking there was anything wrong.

“Which means,” Negan started, “You need to act like the old Rick.”

“I can do that.” Rick said.

Negan looked at him questioningly. “Can you? He was a very affectionate, sweet, funny person.”

“It’s not like we’re completely different people.” Rick said.

Negan scoffed. “You sure about that Grimes?”

Rick rolled his eyes. “I’m sure I can pull it off.”

“I don’t know…” Negan murmured.

“They won’t suspect anything.” Rick said.

“No I mean I don’t know if this is a good idea. I feel like I’m aiding and abetting you.”

“What do you mean?”

Negan sighed. “It’s just; I’m really letting you convince me you’re not you.” Negan held up his hand. “I know you’re not sitting here trying to convince me of that, maybe I’m the one convincing myself. And I know that’s unhealthy, and it’s not right. But there’s just something about you that’s not…right. That’s not the same. I don’t know what it is.”

“Negan…” Rick sighed. “I…”

“No,” Negan said, “Stop. Let’s just get through Thanksgiving.”

“Ok.”

The next day Rick stood in his bathroom looking at himself in the mirror. Negan was downstairs cooking. Rick messed with his hair until it did something that was halfway acceptable. Rick buttoned up his shirt and prepared for the day. He felt like he was going on a mission.

“How’s it going?” Rick asked when he walked into the kitchen.

Negan was wearing a light brown sweater and dark jeans. He was wiping his hands on a towel.

“Surprisingly well.” Negan said. “How’s it going with you? You ready?”

“Yeah.” Rick said. “Every time I have to laugh at one of your jokes I’ll just imagine you stepping on a lego.”

Negan smirked. “Fuck you. Anyway, they should be here soon, so it’s about to be show time.”

Rick took a deep breath. The idea of having to act affectionate around Negan made him want to find the nearest quarry and jump. Why did the Other Rick have to be so warm and loving? But that wasn’t necessarily a difference between them. The only difference was that this Rick didn’t want to be warm and loving to _Negan_.

Rick’s family arrived all within a half hour of each other, it was an emotional reunion. Rick hadn’t seen them in years, and the fact that they were all safe and sound in his home made him want to cry. He gave them all long hugs, being with them was worth the price of being with Negan, he thought. He didn’t know how long that feeling would last, but for now, it was how he felt.

“So how are you feeling?” Rick’s aunt asked him.

“Strong.” Rick said. “I feel good.”

“I knew you’d make it out.” She said. “You must be so happy to be back on your feet, and now you can continue planning the wedding.”

“Oh,” Rick said, “Yeah,” he looked at Negan who was in the kitchen, “I mean, we’re kind of enjoying our engagement right now. No need to rush things.”

Rick’s aunt rolled her eyes. “I was engaged for four years. Trust me, you don’t want to sit on it.”

Rick laughed. “Well, I don’t kn…” Rick stopped himself. “Yeah you’re right.”

“He’s so handsome.” Rick’s aunt said. “Did you make him wear that sweater?”

Rick fumbled for words. “What do you mean?”

“I mean the way it lays on him.”

“Aunt Hannah…” Rick muttered.

“Oh I know I’m embarrassing you now.” She laughed. “But you got lucky. I’m just admiring.”

“Isn’t Uncle Chris around here somewhere…” Rick trailed.

Rick’s aunt laughed again. “Yes he is.”

Rick watched her turn around and go, and his eyes floated across the room and drifted back to the kitchen. He watched Negan standing by the counter, his back to him. Negan turned slightly and rolled up his sleeves. He turned his head and caught Rick’s gaze. He gave a sly little rabbit toothed smile and turned back to what he was doing. Rick had to pull his eyes away. He didn’t know what was going through his head just then.

He didn’t have time to think about it, dinner was ready.

Rick sat down next to Negan and found his eyes falling on Negan’s arm, which was resting on the table. Negan was leaning over on the other side and laughing at something Lori’s sister was saying. He looked away and watched his family; there was something ridiculous about the whole situation. But that’s just how this world worked.

“Ok, let’s give thanks. I’m thankful for family and Annie.” Rick’s mom said. Annie was Rick’s parents’ poodle, and Rick smiled when his mom made sure to mention her.

“I’m thankful for family, God, and football.” Rick’s dad said.

Rick shook his head, they were exactly the same. They went around the table, and then it was Negan’s turn.

“Well I’m thankful for a lot,” Negan said, he turned to Rick, “But mostly I’m glad that this one has woken up.”

Rick felt the eyes of everyone on him when it was his turn.

“I’m…thankful for my life.” Rick said slowly. “And my…fiancé. Thanks…dear.”

Rick felt hot all of a sudden. He didn’t know if he could do this.

“Ok,” Rick’s mom said, “Negan give Rick a kiss so we can eat.”

“Wha..what?” Negan asked.

“Yes, it would be bad luck not to, you two are going to get married, it’s good luck to kiss your fiancé at all holidays.”

“Mom, isn’t that for Christmas with mistletoe and New Year’s?” Rick asked.

Negan shifted in his seat. “Yeah, I don’t think-

“Well you two are shy all of a sudden.” Amber said.

“Sometimes you wake up out of a coma and you’ve got a personality change.” Negan said, he gave a quick sympathetic look to Rick.

“Ha-ha.” Rick’s mom said dryly. “Come on then.”

Rick stiffened in his seat. No. This wasn’t happening. This was not part of the deal. But now his entire family was watching them. Rick watched Negan put his arm down in his lap, he was clutching a napkin.

“Ok.” Rick said quickly. Anything was better than the creeping tension in the room.

Negan looked at Rick. Rick made a motion with his hand to indicate he wanted Negan to just do it and hurry up.

“Okay…” Negan said. “If you’re…ready…”

Rick gripped his hand on his seat and felt his heart start to skip beats. He watched Negan hesitate for a moment, then Negan leaned in and tilted his head. Rick felt Negan place his lips gently on his own, and then he had kissed him. Negan pulled away quickly, but if there was anything to suspect about the kiss, no one had noticed. They all started to eat.

Rick sat there frozen. Negan looked just as stiff, and he refused to look in Rick’s direction. Rick didn’t know how he got through dinner, but as soon as they were done, he excused himself and went to the bathroom. Rick had escaped to the bathroom in his own room. He put his hands on the countertop and put his head down.

What the ever loving fuck?

Rick turned the water on cold and splashed his face. There was a knock on the door. Rick turned off the water and opened the door.

“Hey…” It was Negan.

Rick stepped back and let Negan walk in.

“Look Grimes. I’m sorry about that.” He said. “I didn’t know what to do.”

Rick looked away. “It’s okay.”

“Like I get how fucked up that is for you. I don’t want you to feel…I don’t know…”

Rick sighed. “It’s fine. Really. We couldn’t avoid that forever.”

Negan put his hands on the countertop and dipped his head. Rick found himself looking at Negan’s arms again.

“I…” Negan huffed a dry laugh. “I really miss...”

Rick watched Negan run a hand over his mouth.

“Kissing you.” He finished.

Rick looked away. “Sorry.”

“Don’t be.” Negan said. “It’s not your fault.”

How many times had Rick been told that already? It wasn’t his fault. But it didn’t make him feel any less guilty. They stood in silence for a moment.

“Well…I’m going to head back down. I just wanted to make sure you weren’t like, fucking vomiting. Or something.” Negan said.

Rick gave a weak smile. “I’ll come with you.”

Rick followed Negan down the stairs, and couldn’t help but watch the way Negan’s body moved in his sweater. What was happening?

“There you two are!” Jeffrey said. “Dude, those potatoes were amazing.”

“Hey thanks. Took all day.” Negan said.

Rick and Negan exchanged a glance as Jeffrey went into the kitchen to grab a drink. Rick found a grin spreading across his face.

“What did I tell you?” Negan mused.

Rick hit Negan playfully. “I fucking hate you.”

Rick could see a small look of surprise flash on Negan’s face when Rick touched him; it was quickly replaced by a sad, gentle smile.

“I fucking hate you too.” Negan said gently.

“Do you uh, do you need anything to drink?” Rick asked quickly.

“Uh,” Negan started, “Yeah, yeah. Grab me a soda.”

Negan leaned against the wall, his hands in his pockets. Rick could feel his eyes following him. It was a fucked up situation. It wasn’t the same person, Rick thought, but it looked like the same person. It could be the same person. Circumstances permitting. Rick was getting tired of repeating that argument in his head. This Negan wasn’t so bad. He was funny, and…gentle. And sweet. And vulgar, but kind. And his arms…

Rick nearly hit his head on one of the shelves in the fridge when he realized what he was thinking about.

‘Shut that shit down.’ He thought.

There was something else in the air for the rest of the night, and Rick wondered if Negan could feel it too, hovering above them, threatening to come down.

Rick got into bed that night, unsure of how he was feeling. He scooted to the edge of his side of the bed.

“Grimes…” Negan murmured next to him.

“Yeah?” Rick asked.

“So Michonne…”

“What about her?”

“Sounds like that must be rough for you…to see her, and her not be the same.” Negan said.

Rick sighed. “Well, yeah, but I mean. You know how that feels.”

Negan was quiet.

“Yeah, I guess I do.”

“But it’s not her. And it wouldn’t be fair of me to love her.” Rick said. He put his hands to his face.

“Are you okay?” Negan asked.

Rick felt tears forming behind his eyes. It was hard to accept that everyone he knew was out there living in a different world, existing without him, getting on without him. Thinking he was dead. And it was even harder knowing the Rick that was here before him was also dead.

“I want to tell you something.” Rick said. “But I don’t know how.”

Negan sighed, and Rick felt Negan’s hand rest gently on his arm.

“Then don’t. Not yet.” Negan said.

“Ok.” Rick whispered.

Negan turned around and settled into bed. Rick didn’t know how Negan could fall asleep so quickly. Rick stared at the ceiling. He spent a long time thinking about his old life. Then his thoughts drifted into this one. And he couldn’t fight it anymore. He had really looked at Negan earlier in some…different kind of way. A way he had never noticed before.

Rick didn’t know what was happening to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys like this chapter >3< The tone of the story is kind of shifting as we're moving forward so I hope you're down for it


	10. Pale Blue Ice

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for your patience! I don't like updating only once a week but I've been busy and this chapter was pretty big!  
> There is a long scene in this chapter and I just wanted to provide links to the songs either mentioned or that I had in my mind:
> 
> The first song, that the title is inspired by: Pale Blue Eyes - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PK4DeMYtumc  
> These are the songs I have envisioned (or mentioned) in the long scene:  
> Secrets - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NaTGwlfRB_c (ok i was listening to the first song on spotify so i guess a version of it that isnt live doesnt exist on youtube?)  
> I Feel It Coming - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EOoFOOBmqRg  
> 80s Mercedes - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m9md97nN_SQ  
> Side By Side - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SXiSVQZLje8
> 
> So if you WANT to have these playing while you read or check them out you CAN lol

“Hey.”

Rick felt himself being pulled from a dream.

“Hey.”

Rick was trying to hold on. There was something about the dream he didn’t want to let go of. He was standing on Hershel’s property again. He was at the entrance to the field, in the part of the property where daylight ruled. It was spring. He felt somebody behind him, but he was focused on the familiar shapes in the field ahead. He held a hand up, stuck his foot out, and went to walk forward when a hand grabbed the back of his shirt. The presence behind him felt almost magnetic, holding him in the daylight.

“Hey, wake up.”

Rick opened his eyes, back in his bed, lying on his stomach. Negan was sitting up next to him, his hand on Rick’s back.

“Busy day with the fam Grimes.” Negan said. “Rise and fuckin’ shine.”

Rick blinked and lifted his upper body up. “Oh,” he said, “Yeah. I’m up.”

Negan gave a soft chuckle and got out of the bed. Rick watched him walk into the bathroom, his legs exposed; Rick followed his feet up to his underwear. Negan turned around and walked to Rick’s side of the bed, opening the nightstand next to Rick.

Rick shoved his face back into the pillows when he realized where his line of vision was.

“Don’t go back to sleep.” Negan said.

“I’m not.” Rick mumbled.

Negan closed the drawer and walked back into the bathroom and closed the door. Rick came up for air. He sat up and waited for Negan to be done.

After Rick had showered, he walked downstairs to find the remainder of his family eating breakfast with Carl and Judith.

“You ready to go ice skating?” Jeffrey asked when he took a seat.

“Oh, yeah.” Rick said, he found himself looking for Negan, although he didn’t know why.

“Rick’s a great ice skater.” Negan’s voice said behind him.

“I am?” Rick asked.

“Yeah, you don’t remember?” Jeffrey said.

“I guess we’ll find out.” Rick mumbled. Negan sat down across from him and gave him a smirk, like Rick being from another world was becoming some sort of inside joke between them.

Rick’s family took several cars to the ice skating rink. It turned out the other Rick was a very good ice skater, and he and Negan had their own pairs of ice skates. Rick slipped on his skates and looked out to the ice, unsure. Rick’s mom and dad had already taken Judith out on the ice, and the rest of his family was currently making their way.

“You ready?” Negan asked.

“I…guess so.” Rick said. It was weird doing a leisurely activity; Rick thought those days were over.

Negan smiled. “Then I’ll see you out there.”

Negan turned around and stepped onto the ice, disappearing for a moment in the crowd. Rick stood up, feeling wobbly, and walked slowly to the entrance of the rink. He stuck a foot out, then the other, and soon was clinging to the wall.

Rick’s family watched him fumble when he pushed off the ledge.

“Jesus Rick, what’s up with you?” Jeffrey called, making his way back around the rink.

“I’m fine!” Rick said, and he felt himself losing balance. Rick’s skate slipped out from under him, and he started to fall backwards.

“Whoa!” Negan said, appearing out of nowhere and catching Rick in his arms before he could fall completely. He helped Rick into a section that had rows of benches. Rick hopped in and sat down.

“You’re as fucking helpless as a baby deer out there Grimes.” Negan said. “And you say you were some badass leader in your…dream?”

“I never said I was a _badass_.” Rick muttered.

Negan smirked.

“Forgive me for not acquiring ice skating skills.” Rick said. “I don’t know how…I learned.”

Negan’s smirk dropped, he smiled softly.

“Well, that’s because you and I learned together. One of our first dates was here. I guess you really don’t remember.”

Rick hushed his voice. “Negan I want to tell you-

“No.” Negan said. “Tell me later.”

Negan held out his hand.

“Come on. No point not learning a new skill when you got the opportunity.”

Rick hesitated, but let Negan pull him back onto the ice. Rick reluctantly followed Negan’s instructions, skating until he was able to at least keep his balance.

“Jesus Grimes, you’re really cute when you’re helpless.” Negan said, a sharpness in his voice. He was skating ahead, turning around occasionally to check on Rick.

Rick slipped again when he heard Negan speak. He didn’t know how to take that, Negan had called him Grimes, which indicated he didn’t really believe it was Rick. But then why would he flirt with him when he knew they had boundaries?

‘Because he _is_ an asshole and he can’t help himself.’ Rick thought.

Rick’s ass hit the ice.

“Oof.” Negan said, spinning around when he heard Rick fall. He slid over to Rick, towering over him. “You’re really embarrassing me here.”

Negan held out his hand, Rick smacked it out of the way.

“ _Rejected_.” Negan said, and there was that all too familiar lean.

Rick knew Negan was staring as he tried to get up on his own, his legs sliding out from under him, palms on the ice. Negan gave a barking laugh. Rick tried to push his hands off the ice, and in doing so caused his body to move backward. Negan stopped laughing when Rick’s ass bumped right into his crotch.

Rick snapped up immediately and stepped away, his body hitting the wall of the rink. Negan looked just as embarrassed.

"Look," Rick said, "Just get me back to the main entrance ok?"

"Sure thing." Negan said, he held out his hand.

Rick took Negan's hand and let Negan pull him around the rink.

"Really now." Negan said, looking over and watching Rick's helpless feet. "Stop trying to step, just glide."

Rick couldn't believe he was being taught how to ice skate by Negan. Rick had finally figured out the concept during his last hour, and he was skating alongside his family and watching Negan interact with Judith. He was skating ahead with her; she was in front of him, his hands holding hers up. Rick felt something stir inside him. But it wasn't hatred; it was a strange overwhelming feeling of sadness. He knew he didn't belong here. He wished he had never come, because seeing Negan with his daughter, and _knowing_ that she was practically Negan's too, was too heavy to bear at the moment.

And then there was the fact that Negan wouldn't let Rick get a word in about who he was. Rick knew he had to tell Negan it wasn't really him. There wasn't any way around it; he couldn't lie, for a whole lot of reasons. How do you tell someone the person they knew is gone when that person is standing right in front of them? Maybe it's the telling that's the easy part. It's consoling them after that's difficult.

Rick would have loved to tell Negan this information when he had first woken up. But now he had gotten to know him, and point blank, he wasn't the same person, and the truth would break his heart. Well, maybe he was the same person, but not yet. This Negan was tame, and tamed by none other than Rick himself. Rick wished he could talk to the Other Rick.

Something about that field in his dream. Those shapes in the distance...

Rick's thoughts were interrupted when it was time to leave the rink.

"Tonight we're going bowling." Negan said as they walked out to the parking lot. "Don't tell me you suck at that too.”

“Who’s going?”

“Your family is heading out after dinner, so it’s gonna be you, me, Maggie, Glenn, Beth, and Daryl.”

Rick breathed a sigh of relief.

“Ok,” He said, “And no. I don’t suck at bowling.”

Negan gave a grin. “Good.”

Rick actually found himself looking forward to bowling. After his family left, there was a brief few hours of quietness. Negan had holed himself up in the study. Rick was in Judith’s room, putting her to bed.

“Are you the same?” Judith asked out of the blue when Rick had tucked her in.

“What?” Rick asked. “Of course I’m the same.”

“Oh.” Judith said.

“Do I seem not the same?” Rick asked.

“Sometimes.” Judith said. “Around papa.”

Rick tried not to let his feelings show on his face.

“I’m just getting better from being asleep. It’s taking a while. But I’m still the same. I promise.” Rick swallowed.

“Ok.”

“I love you.” Rick said, giving her a kiss.

“I love you too!”

“Not as much as me.” Rick said, and he tickled her sides, sending her into fits of giggles.

Rick walked down the hallway and paused at the doorway of the study.

Negan was sitting hunched over a desk, a small lamp the only light in the room. Negan had his laptop open and was playing music, humming and singing along to a song.

“ _Linger on_ …your pale blue eyes.” Negan sang. “Linger on…”

Negan turned around when he heard Rick’s footsteps.

Rick thought he heard Negan mutter something like “Speaking of…”

“What’s up Grimes?” Negan asked.

“I’m just,” Rick fiddled with his hands.

“Do you ever relax?” Negan asked. “This is your goddamn house too. You don’t have to walk around it like you might disturb something.”

“I know that.” Rick said. “Are we leaving soon or what?”

“Yeah, hold you fuckin’ horses.” Negan said.

Rick rolled his eyes. “What are you doing anyway?”

Negan looked at him inquisitively. “Well why don’t you come over here and find out? Instead of standing at the back of the room like you always do.”

Rick felt his face grow hot when Negan called him out. But it was true. Rick walked around against the walls like he might get in trouble if he didn’t. He stepped over to the desk.

“I’m working on my curriculum for next year. Since I took this year off and everything…” Negan said. He had taken a sabbatical so that he could be with his family. It seemed like everyone had put their lives on hold for Rick. And when Rick finally woke up, it wasn’t the same version of himself, and that just sucked for everyone.

“What kind of stuff are you planning?” Rick asked.

“It’s just scheduling shit, like figuring out when I’m gonna make those suckers do the mile run.” Negan smirked.

“So you like teaching?” Rick asked.

“Of course,” Negan said, “It’s ‘fulfilling’.” He did air quotes. “But parents can be a real fucking pain.”

“I guess I was one of those parents huh?” Rick asked.

Negan gave a big rabbit toothed smile, “Yeah. Yeah you were.”

Rick looked at the corkboard on the wall above the desk and gave an audible sigh.

“Ok old sport,” Negan said, “What’s on your mind?”

Rick sighed. “I was just thinking. Maybe I should retire.”

Negan blinked. “Shit. Really?”

“Yeah. I just don’t think I should be putting myself in situations like that anymore. I didn’t realize how nice it was not to have a gun on me until I didn’t need to.” Rick said. And it was true. Barely two months in this new world and Rick was pretty sure he’d be walker fodder if someone were to put him back.

“Thank you.” Negan said. And he looked relieved.

“You’re welcome.” Rick mumbled.

An awkward silence fell over the room.

“Let’s head out.” Negan said, closing his laptop.

Rick sat silently in the passenger side of Lucille. Rick couldn’t take the silence anymore, so he hit the power button to the radio. Rick watched Negan’s grip tighten on the steering wheel when a CD began to play. It was the same song Negan had been listening to in the study, and he seemed too embarrassed to change it. So they sat in silence as the song’s lyrics filled the car. Rick felt himself holding his breath. The song was clearly about him, and he wondered if its musician had written it specifically for this moment, when the passing lights of cars illuminated Rick’s very pale and very blue eyes. But that was stupid.

Still, the message wasn’t lost on Rick, nor was the fact that Negan had clearly been subjecting himself to this song over and over again. Rick closed his eyes, feeling innumerable amounts of guilt and sadness.

The song drifted away. Negan quickly shut off the radio.

“Negan.” Rick said. “I have to tell you something.”

“No.” Negan said, clearing his throat.

“ _Negan_ ,” Rick said, “I really have to tell you.”

“I don’t want to know it. Not right now.” Negan said.

“You don’t even know what it is.” Rick protested.

“I don’t care.” Negan said. “Just, not right now.”

Rick thought Negan looked emotional, but it was too dark too tell. He just looked back out the passenger side window. They pulled up to the bowling alley.

“I’m sor-” Rick started.

“Grimes.” Negan said, and he exhaled in a tired way. “Just shut the fuck up.”

Rick shut the fuck up.

Beth, Daryl, Glenn, and Maggie were already at a lane at the end of the bowling alley. Rick and Negan picked up their shoes and walked over.

“Who’s ready to get crushed?!” Glenn cried.

“You.” Maggie teased.

“Hey Rick.” Beth said, smiling from her seat next to Daryl. Daryl got up immediately and almost knocked Rick over when he hugged him.

“I missed you brother.” Daryl gruffed.

Rick put his arms around Daryl and hugged him back.

“I missed you too.”

Daryl gave Rick two strong pats on the back and sat back down next to Beth. The lights dimmed and the blacklights went on just in time for the start of their first game, and Rick watched Negan slide off his leather jacket, revealing an illuminated white t shirt. Oddly enough, Rick hadn’t seen Negan in his signature outfit, and he didn’t realize he could still hate a white t shirt so much. And now it was glowing. Like some sort of neon sign. But Rick wasn’t sure what it said.

Songs from the Top 40 blared over the sound system.

Negan was the second to last in their group, and he picked up the ball and looked at Rick.

“ _Watch my form_.” He grinned.

Rick felt a shiver go up his spine. Negan walked quickly to the lane and sent the ball spinning, literally. Rick watched the ball fly down the lane, and just as it was about to go in the gutter, it spinned right into the middle pin. Negan landed a strike.

“What the hell?” Rick found himself saying.

Negan spun around on his heels and bowed as the others cheered.

“You’re up Rick.” Maggie said.

“Have at it Grimes.” Negan said, tossing the ball into Rick’s hands. Rick felt the weight of the bowling ball when he caught it, and almost dropped it.

Rick stood by the ball return and eyed the pins. When was the last time he bowled? Years ago. Years and years ago. Rick walked towards the lane and let the ball go. It went immediately into the gutter.

“I thought you said you didn’t suck!” Negan called from their seats.

Rick didn’t say anything. He picked up another ball and faced the pins again.

“You got this Rick!” Beth cheered.

Rick smiled, and let the ball go down the lane. Nine of the ten pins knocked down.

“Yeah!” Glenn said. “Nice recovery!”

Rick turned around, and caught Negan in a smirk.

“We need some alcohol.” Negan said. “Be right back.”

Daryl got up to do his turn. Rick sat down next to Beth.

“How are you?” Beth said quietly.

“I’m ok.” Rick said.

“Did you tell him?” Beth asked.

“No.”

“That’s probably for the best.”

Rick looked away. The only reason he hadn’t told Negan was because Negan wouldn’t let him. But when he did…Rick was going to tell him everything.

“Did y’all really just miss me get that spare?!”

They looked up at Daryl, who looked angrily at Rick and Beth while Maggie and Glenn were kissing on the seats across from them. They all looked sheepishly at Daryl.

“Whatever.” Daryl muttered.

Negan returned with a pitcher and plastic cups.

“Woo!” Maggie said when a country song came on. “This is my jam!”

She got up and bowled, dancing as she sent the ball down the lane. She made Glenn get up and dance with her.

“IN MY 80S MERCEDES!” Maggie cried.

“Holy shit Maggie, you’re not even drunk yet.” Negan laughed.

A new group of people had been placed in the lane next to theirs. Rick watched them look over. There were several men and women in their group.

Negan handed Rick a plastic cup, and Rick figured getting buzzed was going to be the way to make the best of this situation. He let Negan fill his cup. Rick felt himself relax, it was hard not to, being in the company of his good friends. They made it easy. So did the beer. By the end of their first game Rick was dancing along to the songs.

“Yeah Rick!” Beth cheered, laughing. “Never thought I’d see you get down.”

Rick smirked at her. “The only reason I know any of these songs is cause they never stop playing them.”

“Welcome to the new world.” Beth smiled. “Overplayed pop songs that you hate but find yourself dancing to anyway.”

“I kind of like it.” Rick smiled.

“Come on Beth you’re up!” Daryl said. “It’s your last turn.”

“I got it.” Beth said. She walked past Rick, giving him a bump with her hips.

Beth got a strike, earning her an extra turn, which she immediately flopped by getting a gutterball. Glenn and Maggie went next, then Negan.

“Watch this.” Negan said, giving Rick a sly smile. He walked up the lane and rolled the ball down the line, getting another strike. Rick watched him get one more, then he got a decent score of 8. Rick watched his score rack up.

“Shit.” Rick said. “Did we also go bowling a lot?”

“No,” Negan said, “Not really, I’m just that fucking good at everything.”

Rick could see the Negan he knew coming out little by little. But it didn’t scare him. In fact, Rick found himself enjoying this sudden competition.

A new song came on as Rick walked over to the ball return. Rick picked up the ball and situated himself in the center of the lane, he moved his hips to the music, turning around to act goofy. Beth and him started acting out the song, dancing together and laughing.

“Hurry up and bowl!” Maggie laughed.

Rick caught Negan’s gaze, a smile on his face, and Rick found himself returning it. Rick thought he saw someone from the other group watching him out of the corner of his eye as he danced. He ignored the suspicion and bowled, several of the pins in the middle knocked down, leaving two on the left and three on the right.

“Oo,” Glenn said, “That’s a tough one.”

“Yeah, good fucking luck.” Negan said.

Rick picked up the ball, thinking about how Negan was maneuvering so that his ball would spin halfway down the lane, hitting the targets. Rick approached the lane and twisted his wrist just as he let go. The ball headed down the lane and started spinning about three fourths of the way down. It hit the two pins on the left, knocking them straight into the pins on the right. Rick had managed to get the spare.

They all cheered. Rick jumped up and down, finding himself running to Negan, who was screaming, beside himself. They embraced lightly, and pulled away quickly, clearing their throats.

“ _That was fucking amazing_.” Negan said.

Rick smiled sheepishly. “Watch my form.” He said.

Negan smirked. “Oh I’ve been watching it.” He whispered. “Looks like you’ve been watching mine.”

Rick blinked and looked away; Negan seemed embarrassed, because he focused back on the cup in his hand.

“Excuse me.”

Someone had pushed past Negan. It was one of the men from the other group. Rick watched as he approached him.

“Dude!” The man said, “Nice move!”

The guy held his hand up for a high five, Rick returned it, but he didn’t necessarily want to. If having a problem with strangers was normal in the _regular_ world, then Rick had a SERIOUS problem with strangers after living in his _old_ world. And he didn’t like this guy.

The guy didn’t say anything else, he just returned to his group. Rick caught Maggie’s glance, she seemed annoyed that they were approached by someone. Rick figured they all had some issues with making new friends.

Rick wasn’t sure if the guy was still looking over at them, and he was hoping the guy wouldn’t try to talk to them again. Rick was here to be with his friends, and it was hard enough befriending Negan. He wanted to focus on that and that alone.

Halfway through their second game and they were still dancing and yelling, and Rick didn’t know when he had had this much fun. He and Negan were really competing now, although Negan had him beat so far. Beth and Maggie were currently going head to head in a sister rivalry. Daryl was the only one who had any chill left, it seemed. But that was just Daryl being Daryl.

Rick was about to pick up his ball from the return when the guy from before approached again. Rick looked up as he was hooking his fingers into the bowling ball.

“What kind of drinks do you like?” The man asked.

“Huh?” Rick asked.

“You like anything besides beer?”

Rick could feel the eyes of his friends on him, and he could especially feel Negan’s.

“I guess so.” Rick said.

The guy smiled. “Then how about if you win this round, I buy you a drink, and if I win, you buy me one.”

Rick tried not to look revolted. “Oh, I’m good on drinks.”

“Oh you are?” The guy asked, trying to be playful. But he retreated anyway as Rick picked up his ball and stepped to the lane.

Rick didn’t even notice he had gotten a strike. He turned around and looked at Negan, who had his arms folded, an interesting look on his face.

“Should I stake my claim over you Grimes?” Negan murmured when Rick sat back down.

“At this point?” Rick mumbled. “Yeah, maybe.”

Beth scooted over to Rick.

“That guy’s been looking at us like this whole time.” Beth said quietly. “And I know him.”

“What?” Rick asked. “Who is he?”

“No like. I know him from before. It’s a long story.” Beth said. “Point is, you’re not the only one who’s uncomfortable right now.”

“Hm. Now I feel like he’s gonna be eyeing me up every time I step up there.” Rick muttered. Rick could feel Negan bristling next to him.

When Rick walked over to the ball return, the guy approached for a third time.

“You’re a good dancer.” He said.

“I don’t think moving my hips makes me a good dancer.” Rick said.

“It makes you a good something.” The guy grinned. “You got a name?”

“Grimes.” Rick said bluntly.

“Ah. Grimes. Then you can call me Gorman.”

Rick noticed that Gorman had gotten a little too close, leaning down into Rick’s space. Rick had never been approached like this before, and he almost didn’t know what to say next.

“You sure you don’t want that drink?”

“I’m pretty confident.” Rick said.

“Tell you what,” Gorman began, and he leaned forward and started to say something in Rick’s ear. Rick felt himself freeze up, his face growing hot; he wasn’t sure what Gorman had said.

“I’m good.” Rick said again, his hands still on the ball sitting in the return.

Gorman leaned down again and grabbed his wrist lightly. Rick didn’t have time to react before Gorman was being pushed backwards. Rick looked over at Negan, who was now standing beside him, an angry look on his face.

“Hey man what the fuck.” Gorman said.

“Back off.” Negan said. “Can’t you fuckin’ tell when someone’s fuckin’ uncomfortable?”

Gorman looked angrily at Negan. “I think he can handle himself just fine.”

“Well maybe he can’t.” Negan said.

“Oh yeah? And who are you to say that?” Gorman asked.

“I’m his goddamn fucking fiancé.” Negan growled.

Gorman looked back in surprise. “Hey man. Not my fault. Dude failed to mention that.”

“He didn’t want to be rude.” Negan said. “So back the fuck off.”

“What are you gonna do?” Gorman asked.

Rick could feel the anger radiating out of Negan like he was atomic. Rick saw danger glistening in Negan’s eyes, the same danger that had been present so often in the other Negan. It was strange, being this close to Negan when he was emitting this much rage, and not being the victim of it. In fact, Rick was the thing that Negan was trying to…Rick didn’t know the word…maybe protect? Was Negan trying to protect him?

“Do you want to fuckin’ find out?” Negan said, his voice dripping with all sorts of threats.

Rick shivered. Gorman wasn’t too far off shivering himself. He looked from Rick to Negan, giving up and returning to his seat. Rick’s face was still burning up. Negan didn’t say anything; he just slinked back to his chair and sat down. He looked like he was about to combust. Rick looked over at the others, Beth’s eyes were wide, and her look told Rick that they needed to go somewhere privately.

Rick and Beth walked to the bathrooms.

“Who was that guy?” Rick asked.

“He was an officer at Grady’s.” Beth said, her voice catching. “He tried to do something to me. And I killed him.”

Rick looked at her in shock. “You did?”

“Yeah.” Beth said. “As soon as he got in your space, I almost killed him again. That’s the kind of guy you don’t trust in any lifetime.”

Rick agreed. He wondered if that same logic applied to Negan. But Negan had come to his rescue, in a way. They walked back, and Negan immediately stepped over to Rick.

“I can handle myself just fine by the way.” Rick told him.

“I saw the way you froze up Grimes.” Negan said. “And look, I don’t give a flying fuck what’s going on…” Negan waved his hand towards Rick, “with us. But if you think I’m going to let some fucking pervert asshole flirt with you, well, tough fucking luck. Cause I’m not. That shit drives me out of my goddamn mind.”

Rick didn’t know how to respond, because he couldn’t figure out what he was feeling. It was still strange enough navigating situations that were so _normal_. Navigating those situations with Negan just made it even harder.

“I know you don’t consider me your fiancé.” Negan said quietly. “But that doesn’t mean some other guy gets to flirt with you.”

Rick just nodded.

“Sorry if I scared you.” Negan said.

“It’s fine.” Rick said. “You didn’t.”

But he did. Maybe not as bad as he had in the past. But there was fear in Rick’s nerves. He just wasn’t sure exactly what he was afraid of.

“I’m going to go to the bathroom.” Rick said.

“Have at it.” Negan said.

Rick walked into the bathroom. It was desolate and very outdated. He sighed, but tried to let his feelings of anxiety fade away for the time being. Tonight he wanted to forget where he had come from.

Rick stepped out of the stall and walked to the sink and started to wash his hands.

“I know that guy isn’t your fiancé.”

Rick looked up, and saw Gorman’s reflection standing against the back wall. Rick turned around slightly, water still running over his hands.

“Yes he is.” Rick said.

Gorman laughed. “If he is, you sure don’t act like it.”

“He’s modest.” Rick said. Before he could turn the water off, Gorman had slid up next to him and placed a hand on the back of Rick’s belt.

“Or maybe he’s just not as into you as I could be.” Gorman said.

Rick felt like his feet were made of lead. And his breath caught in his throat.

“He’s my fiancé.” Rick stammered.

Gorman gave another low laugh and pushed playfully at Rick with his hand until Rick felt his back hit the tiled wall behind him. And Rick was starting to get really sick and tired of the men that felt like they owned the world and everything in it.

“You look just like a baby deer.” Gorman smirked. “Don’t worry.”

Rick didn’t know what to do. He tried to get himself to do something, anything, but he was frozen. How could he not move? He had killed men just like Gorman tens of times in his old world. He had bitten a man’s throat out, stabbed another man repeatedly and mercilessly for trying to do exactly this to Carl. So why couldn’t he move now?

Because he wasn’t the same person anymore, he wasn’t some badass leader; the old Negan had made sure of that.

Gorman brushed hair out of Rick’s face and smirked. Rick tried to summon up the courage, maybe he could scream. Rick opened his mouth, but before he could scream or say anything, Gorman was being dragged to the ground.

Rick gave a sigh of relief when he saw the white t shirt.

“ _What the fuck are you doing you piece of shit?!_ ” Negan growled.

“Hey man back off!” Gorman spat, scrambling to his feet.

“Back off?!” Negan cried. “Why don’t _you_ back the fuck off? Didn’t I tell you exactly just fucking that not that long ago?”

“I just…” Gorman started, but he seemed like he didn’t know what to say. “I didn’t…”

Negan grabbed him by the shirt. “That’s my fucking fiancé. So you get the fuck out of here and you don’t come back.”

Rick watched Negan shove Gorman back, and then Gorman was hightailing it out of the bathroom. Rick was still against the wall. It occurred to Rick that Negan was shaking.

Negan walked over and took Rick into a hug.

“Are you alright?” He asked, his voice shaky.

“Yes.” Rick said, and he put his arms around Negan.

“What the fuck.” Negan said.

“I d-don’t know why I…I just couldn’t move.” Rick whispered. “I just couldn’t get myself to move.”

“Shh hon, it’s okay.”

And Rick didn’t even want to fight Negan on the pet name.

“Do you want to call the cops?” Negan asked, his hold on Rick tightening.

“No,” Rick said, “I just want to go back to bowling.”

Negan pulled away. “Sure sure, we can do that.”

Rick and Negan stared at each other for a moment, eyes dancing back and forth.

“Thank you.” Rick said.

Negan cleared his throat. “Anytime Grimes.”

Negan turned around and turned off the faucet, and Rick followed him out of the bathroom. He didn’t know what he would have done without Negan coming to his rescue. Maybe they could become friends after all. Maybe they already were. Maybe this wasn’t the Negan that thought he owned the world and everything in it.

The mood lightened significantly when Gorman and his pack left.

A particularly good song from the Top 40 started playing, or at least, Rick couldn’t help but think it was good. It was catchy. That’s all that mattered. They were all mouthing along, trying to sing the words.

Rick wasn’t sure if he was drunk, he wasn’t sure if a sober version of himself would ever sing along to the rap portion of said song, considering its dirty lyrics, but he and Maggie were belting it. Glenn looked shy of all a sudden. Daryl just looked like he wanted to leave.

Rick caught Negan’s eyes as they sang, and Rick realized he definitely wasn’t anywhere near sober, because suddenly they were dancing together. Or dancing next to each other. Which, Rick figured, might as well have been dancing together.

“Wrist icicle-

“Beth! You’re not allowed to sing along to this!” Maggie said.

“I’m an adult!” Beth said, exasperated. “If y’all are going to sing along to this I get to join in.”

Rick and Negan burst out laughing, and even Daryl was stifling a laugh from his seat. Rick hadn’t even noticed that it was nearing 2 am, closing time for the bowling alley.

“Look at that Grimes.” Negan said. “We’re tied.”

Rick looked up at the scoreboard. They _were_ tied. And they each had one turn left.

“Seems to me we should make things interesting.” Rick said.

“Oh yeah?” Negan asked. “What do you have in mind?”

“I win,” Rick said, he lowered his voice, “You let me tell you what it is I want to tell you.”

Negan thought for a moment. “Ok.”

“What do you get if you win?” Rick asked.

“I don’t know.” Negan said. “Just bowl and we’ll find out.”

“You’re first.” Rick said, flicking his head to the lane.

Rick watched Negan step up to the lane and bowl, doing a twist with his wrist that sent the ball in the gutter.

“Fuck!” Negan cried. “I twisted that one too much.”

Negan picked up another ball and waited for the pins to reset. His next throw knocked over six pins.

It was a pretty bad attempt, Rick thought, and he wondered for a brief second if Negan had done it on purpose. But then it was his turn. Rick ended up getting a seven, beating Negan by one point. Any suspicions that Negan had cheated were washed away with the joy of beating him.

Rick hollered and jumped up and down.

It occurred to him on the way down how ridiculous this all seemed. And for some reason, out of all the catchy pop songs that Rick had sang along to that night, the only one playing in his mind was the old folk-like rock song. The one Negan had been listening to. The one about Rick’s very pale, and very blue, eyes. And everything else about Rick. And Rick figured that it must have been written about him, somehow.

And then Rick thought about how he had won, and how he’d get to tell Negan everything.

And then Rick wished he would have just thrown the ball down the gutter.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked this chapter! <3  
> The bowling scene was really fun to write (I mean not everything was fun about it). Rick being hit on was actually inspired by something that happened to me recently (specifically the whole "you buy me a drink/etc" bit, only imagine it way creepier because the guy had to ask me how old I was, yikes) Only I didn't have a Negan to come beat him up. Thankfully nothing bad happened to me but the guy was pretty creepy -.- Did inspire me tho at least.  
> Oh and I did get that hella sweet spare that Rick got but that was before the creepy guy came lol.  
> Maybe I'll stop throwing my life into these fics. Probably not.  
> Anyway hope you have a good day and enjoy TWD tonight!!! <33


	11. Eyes On Fire

Rick decided not to tell Negan right away, mostly because he needed to let the night’s events marinate for a while. He did feel the safest sleeping next to Negan that night than he ever had before. That was something new.  

Another week went by, Rick was sitting in the sunroom, watching birds in the backyard. When Judith was in school and Carl was at work, Rick often found himself sitting in silence, just thinking. His life wasn’t becoming lost to him, he still remembered everything vividly, but the feelings were fading. In the way that memories just do. Some days were easier. Other days Rick was consumed with the thoughts of his family, it was backwards. He was the dead one. They were the ones mourning him. But he felt like he was just mourning all of them instead. Some days all he could do was sit and imagine what must be going on.

But Dale was confident. Rick was supposed to be here. And no matter how much Rick kicked and screamed, he was stuck here. He wasn’t going back. He didn’t know how many times he’d flip flop on those thoughts. Maybe for the rest of his life. Wherever it took him.

Sometimes Rick didn’t know where Negan was, most of the time he didn’t care. He thought about the Other Rick and Negan, and how they had fallen in love. Did that mean he and the Negan from his world could have fallen in love, provided the circumstances?

He just wanted to talk to the Other Rick. Ask him how, ask him why. The Other Rick was probably pissed at him. He knew that for a fact. Rick would be furious if a version of himself treated his loved one like shit, so why wouldn’t the Other Rick be just as angry? They were the same person, in a weird way.

Rick stood up and walked back into the rest of the house, Negan was in the living room, watching a movie on the couch. Rick stopped when he heard screaming coming from the TV. Negan was watching a horror movie.

“Oh,” Negan said, “Hey.”

“Mm.” Rick said, and he felt his breath quicken. His hand tried to grip a small shelf that was against the wall, but his hand just ended up sliding and knocking over a vase.

Negan looked over and got up. “Are you okay?”

Rick closed his eyes. “I’m…”

Rick put his hand to his eyes, what was wrong with him?

Negan looked at the TV. “Is it that?”

Rick nodded.

Negan picked up the remote and turned the TV off.

“I don’t get it Grimes. Tell me what’s going on with you.” Negan said.

“It was real.” Rick said, and he looked away.

“What was real?”

“I feel like I’m going crazy.” Rick whispered. “I feel like I’m trapped in my own head. I’m weak.”

“Hey now,” Negan said, “Shut that shit down. You’re not fucking weak.”

“Yes I am.” Rick said, and he rubbed the oncoming tears from his eyes.

“What was real?” Negan asked again, but Rick knew he knew the answer.

“We should talk.” Rick said. “Let’s go into the sunroom.”

“Ok.” Negan said.

They sat down in armchairs opposite each other. Negan sat silently, waiting for Rick to speak. Rick rubbed his hands together nervously, unsure of how he was going to deliver the news.

“Negan…” Rick started. “I need to tell you something.”

“Yeah, yeah I fucking got that.” Negan said. “What is it?”

Rick took a deep breath. “You just…you need to sit and listen to the whole thing.”

“Jesus, just tell me already.” Negan said.

Rick closed his eyes. “When I woke up in the hospital, I had just come from someplace else. My dream. Except it wasn’t a dream. It was real. It was real. I’m not from here. I don’t have amnesia. I remember my life just fine. Everything about it was real. I was pulled here for some…I don’t know, some otherworldly reason. Right before I died, I was pulled. And I was placed here. And that’s it. That’s the truth.”

“…Look…” Negan sighed. “I don’t…”

“It’s the truth.” Rick said. “You even said yourself there’s something about me you don’t recognize. I’m from a different world. Doesn’t that make sense? Who has amnesia like this? Who? I can’t even be in the same goddamn room as a horror movie without falling apart. You think some stupid dream could cause that?”

“Stuff like that just doesn’t exist!” Negan argued.

Rick didn’t know what he was going to do. This was the now or never moment, he had to convince Negan he was telling the truth.

“Doesn’t it make sense? Why I’m so different?” Rick asked.

“It _could_ make sense. _Anything_ could make sense.” Negan said. “That doesn’t mean it’s the truth. I know you don’t want to remember your life.”

Rick sighed. “I do. I want to remember. But I can’t remember a life that I never lived.”

Negan gave an exasperated laugh. “You want me to believe that you came from an entirely different world, had a completely different childhood, lived in an apocalypse, and to top it all off, I killed people with a baseball bat for fuckin’ fun.”

“Yes.” Rick said.

“Look, maybe I was a little too lenient…” Negan trailed off.

“Beth is from there too.” Rick blurted.

“What?”

“Beth is from there too.” Rick repeated. “She came from the same world that I did.”

“Christ.” Negan muttered. “You got her wrapped up in this?”

“No,” Rick said, “She woke up here after she got shot in our world, right at the same time the Beth from here was thrown off her horse. That’s why I had you take me to the hospital the other week. Because when we were at Hershel’s I thought I noticed something. So I went to talk to her. And it’s her. It’s the Beth I knew. We have the same memories.”

Negan put his hands to his face, like he was frustrated.

“I know how it sounds.” Rick said. “But it’s real, it’s the truth. That was the world I lived in. There are no other memories. I don’t remember you or any of our memories because I never experienced any of this. This isn’t my life. And it’s not Beth’s either.”

Negan stayed silent.

“How can I convince you?” Rick asked.

“I don’t think you can.” Negan said.

Rick sighed and looked down at his feet.

A spider crawled by his shoe. Negan watched him crush it under his heel. Rick looked back up and caught Negan’s gaze.

“What?” he asked.

Negan scratched his head. “You’re afraid of spiders.”

Rick huffed a laugh. “No I’m not.”

“Yes…yes you are.” Negan said. “You never kill them. You make me do it and you run into another room.”

“ _I’m_ not.” Rick said. “Maybe the Other Rick was. Maybe the Rick you knew was great at ice skating, and hated spiders, but I’m not him. And I need you to believe me.”

“So what you’re trying to tell me is that you’re a completely different person, I’m just supposed to believe that.”

“ _Yes_ ,” Rick said, “You are.”

Negan stood up quickly and walked over to Rick, placing his hands on either armrest at Rick’s side. Rick flinched and pushed himself into the back of the chair when Negan leaned close.

“What are you-

“Shh.” Negan said, and he started staring into Rick’s eyes.

Rick stared back.

Rick could see Negan’s arms start to shake out of his peripheral, and then Negan was blinking rapidly, eyebrows furrowing.

“It’s not you is it?” He whispered.

“No.” Rick whispered back.

“But it looks like you.” Negan whimpered, dipping his head down.

“It looks like you too.” Rick said quietly.

Negan pushed off the chair and turned around, running a hand through his hair.

“Where is he?” He asked.

Rick stood up.

“Where is he?” Negan asked again, turning around, tears forming in his eyes.

Rick felt the same tears burning behind his eyes too, like fire, and swallowed before saying, “He’s gone.”

“Gone?” Negan said. “Gone to where you came from?”

Rick shook his head, big tears rolling down in his face. “No, he’s gone.”

Negan clasped his hands over his mouth, shutting his eyes tight, and he fell to his knees. Rick didn’t know what to do at first, he just watched Negan collapse, heavy sobs he didn’t think could come from the man were now filling the sunroom, possibly the whole house. Possibly the whole universe. Loud enough for the Other Rick to hear, he thought.

Rick couldn’t help but cry too, and feel immeasurably guilty from inhabiting the Other Rick’s body. It didn’t belong to him. And if it didn’t belong to the Other Rick anymore, it at least belonged to Negan. But not anymore.

Rick knelt down slowly, unsure of what to do. But Negan grabbed him into a hug and just held him, his face in Rick’s neck.

“If I just don’t think, it’s almost like it’s still you.” Negan said in between sobs.

“Negan,” Rick said, his voice heavy, “I’m so sorry.”

Negan’s body shook in his arms.

“Fuck, _I knew it wasn’t you_. I just knew.”

Rick sniffed and took a deep breath. “Now you know why I said I would have rather died. Because I don’t want to be the one to put you through this.”

In reality, he said that because he didn’t want to sleep next to the man. But now he was saying it because he didn’t want to be the one to put him through this kind of pain. Multiple lives are funny like that, he guessed.

Negan grabbed Rick’s shirt, his face still in Rick’s neck.

“I never got to say goodbye.” Negan sobbed. “One day you went to work and you…”

Rick inhaled sharply, his eyes watering again. Fuck. It was too much.

“All this time I thought you’d come back to me.” Negan said quietly. “And now you’re gone. You and Lucille. What did I do to deserve this?”

Rick didn’t respond, he just held him. And he wondered if you could get the short end of the stick for something a different ‘you’ did in another life. Which would explain this Negan’s terrible luck.

“You didn’t do anything.” Rick sighed. “You didn’t do anything.”

“You hate me.” Negan whispered.

“No I don’t.” Rick said. “I don’t hate you. You’re not him.”

“What am I going to do?” Negan asked.

“You’re going to break down.” Rick said. “You’re going to cry. You’re going to want to die. But you won’t. You’re going to suffer. But you’re going to be okay.”

“Promise me.” Negan whispered.

“I promise. I fucking promise. You’re going to be okay.”

“I can’t get through the rest of this day. Fuck. I just want to go upstairs.” Negan said. “I really…”

“It’s alright. You can.” Rick said, pulling Negan off his neck and looking him in the eyes. “I got the kids. I can say you’re sick. Take all the time you need.”

“We can’t tell them.” Negan said. “We can’t.”

“I know.” Rick said.

Rick walked Negan up the stairs and into their bedroom. He shut the blinds and watched Negan crawl weakly into the bed, tears still streaming down his face. Rick hesitated by the side of the bed.

“Negan…” He started. “I didn’t tell you to hurt you. I need you to know that. I told you because I…because you needed to know the truth. Because you deserve to know.”

Negan didn’t say anything. Rick closed the door behind.

Rick walked quickly down the stairs and into the bathroom, shutting the door and grabbing the sink. He cried. If telling someone their fucking soulmate was gone was hard enough, Rick was literally living in that soulmate’s body. And it was unbearable.

But he knew that Negan had seen this coming. Negan had probably been preparing since the Other Rick fell into the coma. It was just verbalizing it that really struck the nail into the coffin. And then Rick wondered if he could have just kept it to himself. But that was just impossible.

The kids didn’t question Negan’s absence. It was winter after all, fever season was upon them. Rick didn’t hear anything from upstairs. How long should he let Negan mourn? Was he supposed to go up there at night and sleep in the bed? Would that be a punch to the face? Rick ruminated on the thought over the next hours.

When Judith was asleep and Carl was locked away in his room, Rick decided to see how Negan was doing. He walked quietly to the door and opened it slowly.

Negan was on the floor, his back against the bed, he was staring at something in his fingers.

It was his ring.

Rick shut the door behind him and knelt down on the floor, sitting a few feet away.

“I thought you were my second chance.” Negan said, his voice tired and scratchy. “But I was wrong.”

Rick took a deep breath.

“I don’t want to stop wearing this.” Negan said.

“You don’t have to.” Rick said quickly.

“Those were the best four years of my life.” Negan said. “You’re a very special person.”

Rick closed his eyes.

“It’s not as hard to look at you as I thought it would be.” Negan murmured. “Grimes…”

“Yeah?” Rick asked.

“Can we be friends?” The ring fell from Negan’s fingers and rolled over to Rick.

Rick picked it up and held it out for him. “We’re already friends.”

Negan sighed and took the ring, his fingers brushing over Rick’s. “I’m never gonna fucking get over him.”

“I know.” Rick said.

“So you and ol’ Beth are from the ‘zombie world’.” Negan muttered.

“Yeah.”

“Did she tell anyone?”

“No.” Rick said. “She didn’t want me to tell you. But this life was a little harder to slip into.”

Negan snorted. “Yeah, I fucking bet. Fuck. I’m jealous of the Other Negan.”

Rick’s eyes widened.

“Chill out Grimes.” Negan sighed. “I’m just saying.”

Rick sighed.

“I’m sorry.” He said. “I’m so sorry.”

Negan closed his eyes. “I’m going to miss him so fucking much.”

Rick swallowed.

“But he wouldn’t want me to be a little pussy about it.” Negan said. “You’re here now. Like you said it’s for some fucking reason right? We got kids to raise.”

“You don’t have to suppress your feelings.” Rick said.

“I’m not. I just spent the last God knows how many hours sobbing my fucking eyes out. I’m done. For now. I just want to sleep.”

Rick stood up and held a hand out for Negan. Negan took his hand and let him pull him off the floor. They climbed into bed.

“If you need me,” Rick said, “I’m here.”

“I know you are Grimes.” Negan muttered, and he turned to face the windows. “But I don’t need you, not right now.”

Negan was quiet over the next week, keeping to himself and looking out into space. It made Rick, for lack of better word, sad. Rick had to stop thinking about it. He thought about bowling. And about how goddamn weak he was. And scared. And why did he freeze? Why was it so hard to navigate this world? Why did the Other Negan have to do that to him?

These were the thoughts going through Rick’s mind on the day they were moving Carl into his dorm. It was a few weeks before he’d actually start class, and it was clear both Rick and Negan were lost in their own thoughts.

“Dad, you missed the turn _again_.”

“Oh,” Rick said, “Sorry.”

“You sure you’re ready to drive?” Negan asked, blinking out of a daydream.

“Yes.” Rick mumbled. “I’ve just never been here before.”

“Dad,” Carl said, “You went to school here.”

“Oh. What I meant was I haven’t been here in a long time.” Rick said.

Negan snorted.

They pulled into the university. There were several other sets of families moving their kids in. Rick parked the car and they started to unpack.

“Fuck yeah let’s do this!” Negan shouted, and Rick appreciated his ability at deflecting his own emotions around Carl. Rick needed to learn how to do that too.

Carl rolled his eyes and led them to the dorm, boxes in hand. Rick wanted to memorize what the college looked like, since he hadn’t been around for it for the first time. This was another memory he was making that he thought could never exist again.

Although, Rick thought, college tuition was something he had happily abandoned. And money in general.

Negan gave Rick a smile on the way through the small hallways; it was a look of mutual paternity, a look shared between two parents. Rick smiled back. They helped Carl unpack and set up his room.

“I’m so proud of you.” Rick said, giving Carl a hug.

“Thanks.” Carl mumbled. “I’m going to kind of miss working though.”

“Is working at the arcade really working?” Negan smirked.

Rick and Negan laughed while Carl muttered something about it being difficult work, catching each other’s eyes. Negan gave Rick another gentle smile, but looked away quickly. They locked up Carl’s room and headed home. Judith was at Maggie and Glenn’s, so they picked her up when they got back home. The day faded away, it was a calm evening. 

Rick and Negan climbed into bed that night, feeling a little better than they had before.

“I can’t believe he’s going to college.” Negan said. “Just yesterday he was in middle school.”

“I know.” Rick said.

“You don’t know shit.” Negan scoffed, but his tone was playful.

“Hey. College wasn’t even in the realm of possibility for me. It’s unreal that I get to experience that.”

Negan sighed. “Well, I hope you enjoy it. Really. Sounds like you went through hell.”

“I did,” Rick murmured, “It was awful.”

“Did you kill people too?” Negan asked.

“Yeah. I did. A lot. Probably as much as you.”

“And _I_ was the bad guy?”

“Yes,” Rick said, “Cause you liked to do it.”

“Fuck. Maybe if we had met sooner in your world, things would have been different.” Negan said.

“Maybe.” Rick said, but he couldn’t help but wonder if Negan would have ended up just like Shane.

“Maybe then you wouldn’t have had to tell me the truth.” Negan said quietly. “Maybe then you could have just…pretended.”

They looked at each other, eyes darting back and forth slowly.

“Maybe.” Rick said.

Negan didn’t say anything after that, he just rolled around and went to sleep. Rick shut his eyes.

When Rick opened his eyes he wasn’t standing in the field, or by the posts that marked the field. He wasn’t in that interesting, calm place. He was in a clearing in a forest, and he was on his knees. He looked to the right of him and saw Negan on his knees next to him. Fear in his eyes.

Rick heard a sound like a million bees buzzing. He turned to look ahead again, trying to identify the horrifying sound. It was emanating out from the Other Negan, Rick’s Negan, and he was standing in front of them. The static filled buzzing was emitting from him like a sadistic radio. A monster out of a horror novel.

The Other Negan didn’t say anything; every time he swung his bat the sound amplified and distorted itself, like he wasn’t human. He was something else.

Rick had a feeling if he could just move, he could stop him. But he was frozen in fear. Unable to speak, scream, get up. All he could do was move his head. He felt the urge to shout trying desperately to escape, but it wouldn’t. Rick’s Negan eyed up the Other Rick’s Negan, swinging the bat close to his head. Rick could stop him. Rick could do something. Rick could save him.

But he couldn’t move. He felt hot tears slide down his face. But he couldn’t hear himself cry. He could only hear the buzzing static.

Then Rick watched as his Negan beat the Other Rick’s Negan to death.

Rick finally shouted, waking up in a cold sweat. Negan jumped awake, looking around frantically until his eyes fell on Rick, who was sitting up and breathing heavily. When Rick turned and saw him, he grabbed him into a hug.

“Oh thank God.” Rick whispered.

“What’s wrong?” Negan asked hurriedly, draping a hand over Rick’s back.

“I…I…I…” Rick pulled away from Negan.

“Are you okay?” Negan asked, putting a hand on top of Rick’s. Rick looked down at it.

“I couldn’t do it.” Rick whispered. “I couldn’t move.”

“What are you talking about?”

“I couldn’t move then, and I couldn’t move now.” Rick said quietly. “I couldn’t save you.”

Negan squeezed Rick’s hand. “It was just a dream.”

Rick shook his head. “The bathroom wasn’t a dream.”

“You can’t blame yourself for that.”

“Why couldn’t I move?” Rick asked. “I’ve-I’ve killed people. Machetes, bullets, teeth. Why couldn’t I move.”

“Grimes…”

Rick slid his hand out from under Negan’s and put both of his hands to his face.

“You made me this way.” He whispered. “The Other you did this to me. I’m weak.”

“Fuck Grimes! So what? So what if you’re weak?” Negan gasped.

Rick peeked out from behind his hands. “I’m no good if I’m weak.”

“No good? What are you talking about? Fuck man, you’re allowed to be weak. After that shit? After seeing that shit, doing that shit? It that was real? Fuck you if you think you shouldn’t be fucking traumatized after that shit. You know what the good news is? The good news is you don’t have to be the fucking action hero anymore. You don’t have to swallow pain and fear. You get to feel it now. So fuck this weak bullshit.”

Negan breathed heavily.

“But if you ask me, you’re not weak. You’re strong because you went through that shit and you’re fighting through the aftermath. No shame in that.”

Rick looked at Negan incredulously. Partly because Negan had really accepted his story. Partly because he was so quick to defend him and try and take care of him. Even when he wasn’t his.

“I couldn’t protect you.” Rick whispered.

“I don’t need you to. Maybe in a dream, but not in real life.” Negan said.

Then why was he here?

“You calm?” Negan asked.

Rick nodded. It had been an unrealistic nightmare, if anything, difficult to wake up from but easy to calm down from.  

“Good.” Negan said. “If you need me. I’m here.”

Rick nodded again and slid his body back under the covers. He gave a deep breath.

“Looks like we’re both going through the same shit.” Rick said.

“Same shit different angle.” Negan said. “Try to get some more sleep.”

“You too.” Rick said.

The next morning Rick went for a walk, the dream had shaken off, but the feelings of weakness and fear remained. In a strange way, Rick had grown to care for this Negan. He was like a father to his kids after all. And he could be funny, and sweet. And when he cried…

Rick closed his eyes, and when he opened them, he saw Dale on the hill.

“Back to talk again.” Dale said when Rick walked up to join him.

“Yeah.” Rick replied, taking a seat in the plastic lawn chair.

“How’s it going?”

“Pretty fucking bad.” Rick said. “He knows the Other Rick is dead.”

“You had to tell him?”

“Yeah Dale, I had to.” Rick said, a little irritated.

“Anything else happen?”

“We kissed on Thanksgiving. Don’t think we’ve talked since then.”

“You did?” Dale asked, perking up.

“Not like that.” Rick said. “It was a strange circumstance.”

Rick didn’t mention how he had been looking at Negan all night, though. Or the burning he felt behind his eyes. Although most of the time that was tears.

“Mm. Well. Anything else?”

“I don’t know. We’re becoming friends. It’s kind of nice, in a way. When neither one of us is fucking depressed out of our minds.” Rick said. “He’s not like the Other Negan. Or maybe he is. But he’s got the parts the Other Negan had before he lost them.”

“That’s good.” Dale said.

Rick scoffed, a smile creeping on his face. “You really think we’re gonna fall in love, don’t you?”

Dale shrugged.

“It’s not going to happen. Not today. Not tomorrow.”

“Sounds like a promise you made to someone else.” Dale said, tipping his beer can in Rick’s direction. “A promise you couldn’t end up keeping.” 

“Shut up Dale.” Rick said, and he got up out of the lawn chair and walked home, a creeping fire behind his eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you want to know what song 'eyes on fire' is referencing listen to this for some of the upcoming vibes....  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gntO-BadGk8
> 
> B)


	12. Off

Rick returned to find Negan had already taken Judith to school. Sometimes he felt relieved to be alone. Carl was at work, one of his last shifts before the Spring Semester started in a few weeks. Rick yawned, kicked off his shoes, and climbed back into bed, absorbing the last few minutes of the morning. It was strange, being retired; Rick didn’t know what to do with himself except think.

Rick flopped into his pillows, feeling the soft comfort against his head. He had to admit, the other him had a good setup in terms of pillows and a mattress. Then again, the Other Negan had made sure Rick wasn’t sleeping on anything comfortable, so maybe anything felt better than the floor. He almost laughed to himself at how ridiculous it had been. But at the time, losing his bed had just been another emotionally devastating blow that was hard to handle. He had felt like a prisoner in his own home, his own community, for so long. And then he just ended up dying there anyway. But there was no changing it now.

It was odd, Rick thought, how simple his thoughts were becoming. He’d get frustrated cooking, or get pissed when kids rode their bikes on his lawn, all things that were ridiculously stupid considering his unique perspective. But Rick welcomed it. He was convinced he was staying here, so he might as well enjoy the benefits of living in a zombie free world. And that included groaning about not getting to sleep in late.

Rick’s eyes went to the ceiling, his hands on his stomach. He felt calm. He felt situated, almost. He felt like he could relax. Maybe it was the endorphins from the exercise, or maybe he was really starting to settle in. Rick exhaled deeply through his nose and closed his eyes. He felt his fingers start to trace his stomach, his shirt pulled up slightly around his torso. His fingers crept to the top of his pants, sliding under the band just a little.

Rick stopped, when was the last time he had done that? Or thought about it? He couldn’t even remember. Not at this point. That was something that wasn’t even on his mind. Maybe it should have been. Maybe then he wouldn’t have been so ridiculously wound up. The days were starting to add up, he thought, since the last time he had any sort of release. At least, in that way.

But Negan was coming home soon, and Rick just didn’t have the kind of time to sort out that new problem.

Rick walked downstairs when he heard Negan come home.

Negan was standing by one of the windows, tapping his foot, looking out into the neighborhood, but seemingly into space.

“Hey you want to wrap presents?” Rick asked. A bunch of unwrapped Christmas presents were currently sitting in their closet. Negan didn’t budge. Rick asked again.

“Huh?” Negan asked. “Oh, yeah.”

Rick couldn’t help but notice that Negan seemed antsy. But he couldn’t guess why. He shrugged it off as nothing. It didn’t seem related to Negan’s mourning, which was good. Negan had been slowly returning to his old humor, and while Rick found it annoying, it was nice to see. Sort of. But Rick also wasn’t in Negan’s head, and couldn’t tell how much the loss was probably distressing him. For now, Negan didn’t mention it again. They walked up to their bedroom, and Rick dragged out all the presents while Negan grabbed the wrapping paper, scissors, and tape.

“She is so spoiled.” Negan said, looking at the gifts strewn all over the bedroom floor. Some of them were for Carl, but his gifts were mostly things he needed for school, and cash. The majority of the gifts were for Judith.

“Yeah,” Rick smiled, “She is.”

And it felt good to spoil his kids. He could only offer them so little in his previous life. Here he could give them anything and everything. And he intended to.

“Pass those scissors.” Negan said.

Rick picked up the scissors and handed them to Negan, whose fingers brushed over Rick’s when he grabbed them. They made eye contact for a split second, but Rick felt like it had lasted much longer than that. Negan looked away, focusing on the wrapping paper.

“You wrap like shit Grimes.” Negan said, leaning over, his shoulder bumping into Rick as he stuck his face in the present that Rick had just wrapped. “What is that shit?”

Rick leaned back out of Negan’s way. “Well pardon me; I haven’t wrapped a present in a while.”

Negan smirked and picked up the present, moving it over to his pile.

“It’s just going to be torn apart anyway.” Rick muttered.

“It’s all about presentation.” Negan scoffed. “What kind of elf wraps a present like this?”

“I don’t know, that one from Rudolph, the one that wants to be a dentist?” Rick asked.

Negan gave him a wolfish grin that sent a small spark down Rick’s spine.

“Hey, you’re right.” Negan said. “Judith would buy that shit right up. And I don’t feel like doing damage control on all those presents you just butchered.”

Rick folded his arms. “If my wrapping’s such shit then I’ll stop and you can do it.”

“Oh I don’t think so!” Negan said, looking at Rick with piercing eyes that made Rick lose balance for a second. Even though he was sitting on the ground. And he didn’t really lose balance at all, but the feeling went through his body anyway.

“You’re not getting out of this one Grimes.” Negan said, a sly rabbit toothed smile crossing his face, he held out the scissors. “ _So take it_.”

Rick stared at Negan. Negan’s face looked serious and playful, just like it always had, and when Rick went to take the scissors out of his hand, Negan held on.

Rick glared at Negan, who started to do his goofy laugh.

“I’m just fucking with you.” He whispered.

Rick blinked and gave a frustrated sigh through his nose. Negan continued to laugh when Rick ripped the scissors out of his hand. He turned to wrap the next present, but he could feel Negan’s eyes boring into him like a drill.

“What do you want?” Rick asked, a little exasperated.

“Do you want me to show you how to do that?” Negan asked.

“ _Fine_.” Rick said.

Negan scooted closer to Rick, who wanted to move further out of his way, but didn’t. Negan took the scissors from Rick’s hand and leaned forward to show Rick how to cut properly.

“You just let it catch and fuckin’ glide. Not all this choppy shit.” Negan muttered. “See?”

Rick sighed and took the scissors back, he tried to cut the paper like Negan had, but it just came out like crap.

“Jesus.” Negan breathed. “You do everything this sloppy?”

Rick looked up and caught Negan’s glance, a shy smile on Negan’s otherwise aggressive face.

“ _What the fuck does that mean?_ ” Rick asked.

Negan let out a low guttural laugh. “Fuck Grimes. I’m talking about your zombie killing skills.”

Rick could feel the temperature in his face rising.

“I did just fine before you showed up.” Rick growled.

But Negan wasn’t put off by Rick’s words. Instead he just grinned again and looked at Rick inquisitively.

“What did you _think_ I was talking about?”

“ _Nothing_.” Rick said quickly, and he grabbed a present and shoved it down on the wrapping paper. Negan laughed beside him.

“My my Grimes, you’re redder than the Devil’s ass.” Negan said.

“Yeah, it’s hot in here.” Rick muttered.

“Really? I’m pretty sure it’s a cool 69 degrees.” Negan smiled, leaning back on his palms.

“How old are you again?” Rick snapped.

“Chill out Grimes. You just make it so fucking easy to mess with you.”

Rick finished wrapping the present in his hands. He tossed it into Negan’s lap.

“Satisfactory?” Rick asked.

“Hm.” Negan said, picking the present up and inspecting it. “I guess so.”

Rick and Negan put the presents back into the closet. Rick stood behind Negan, who was bending over to move a laundry basket out of the way. Rick wasn’t even sure what his thought process was when he lifted up his foot and pushed. His foot hit Negan’s ass, sending him forward. Negan fell and tumbled over the basket, clothes falling onto him. He turned around, pulling dirty clothing off of him.

“ _What the fuck?_ ” He gasped.

Rick grinned down at him. “You just make it so easy.” He mocked.

“Oh. You’re in for it now Grimes.” Negan growled, and he got up and started to run towards Rick, who closed the closet door right in his face.

Rick heard Negan thud against the door.

“Shit.” Rick said, and he opened the closet door in time for Negan to get up again.

“What the flying fuck?!” Negan gasped, his hands to his nose.

Rick smiled sheepishly. “Sorry?”

“You damn well better be.” Negan groaned.

“Are you bleeding?” Rick asked.

“No.” Negan said, taking a moment to inhale a deep breath. “Fuck. I shouldn’t have underestimated you.”

“You underestimated me?” Rick asked.

Negan grinned. “Yeah. Maybe a little.”

“If we had had a chance to fight, I would have taken you down.” Rick said, and he tried to sound serious, but there was something playful about his tone he couldn’t stop.

“You think so huh?” Negan smiled

“Yeah I do.” Rick said.

“I bet the Other Negan would have liked to see that.” Negan said.

“Maybe he should have kept me around to find out.”

Negan didn’t say anything back; he just pushed past Rick and walked out of the room. Rick felt as though Negan had left a trail of tension in his wake. Was that what he was experiencing? Tension? Rick rolled his eyes, to himself, at the idea of having any sort of tension with Negan that wasn’t unbridled hatred. But it didn’t help that Rick was feeling wound up as is.

Negan went to pick up Judith, leaving Rick to finish decorating and hiding the presents. Rick wanted to spend that time doing something else, but it would have to wait.

Negan arrived back shortly with Judith, who ran into Rick’s arms when she walked in the door.  

“How was school today?” Rick asked.

“Good!” Judith said. “I can count to 100!”

“Oh really?” Rick laughed.

“Yeah,” Negan smiled, “She counted all the way home.”

“What did I get to?” Judith asked, turning around in Rick’s arms.

“113.” Negan said.

“Yeah!” Judith said.

“Wow, good job!” Rick said, giving Judith a kiss. “You ready for naptime?”

“Yes!”

Rick took Judith upstairs and put her in her bed.

“When does Santa come?” She asked him.

“3 days.” Rick smiled.

“What if I get coal?”

Rick laughed. “You’re not going to get coal.”

After Rick had managed to convince Judith that she was on the Nice List, he closed her door and walked down the stairs.

“Hey,” Negan said, “Come here.”

Rick followed the sound of Negan’s voice into the kitchen.

“Yeah?” Rick asked.

“I saw Michonne today.” There was an awkward way he said it, like he didn’t want to bring her up in front of Rick, like he felt bad about it. “She invited us to a big Christmas Eve party.”

“Sounds like fun.” Rick said.

“Okay, cool.” Negan said. “Everyone’s gonna be there.”

Rick nodded, and felt himself anticipating seeing everyone he knew and loved having fun in one place. He couldn’t help but smile to himself, something about the idea of all of them still finding each other in other lives was comforting. No matter where Rick found himself, he wouldn’t be apart from the ones he really loved.

He looked at Negan.

Apparently he wouldn’t be apart from the ones he really hated either.

But weren’t those feelings changing?

Rick, Negan, Carl, and Judith were going to have a quiet Christmas, just them. Rick was happy about it, if he was being honest. As much as he loved his extended family, he wasn’t feeling up to socializing with them. At least a party with his neighbors and friends would be more relaxed.

Christmas Eve arrived, and Rick still hadn’t had what he would call adequate alone time. And it was starting to eat at him. He didn’t know if Negan could notice, but Rick had started tossing and turning in bed and it was getting harder to sleep.

Rick was zoning out when they pulled up to Michonne’s house on Christmas Eve night. He didn’t realize his mind was in outer space until he felt Negan’s hand on his thigh.

“Yo.” Negan said. “We’re here.”

Rick looked down at Negan’s hand, and then back up at Negan, who removed his hand just as quickly as he had placed it. Rick swallowed and got out of the car, opening the back door to help get Judith out of her car seat. Carl had already run inside, probably to catch up with Sophia.

“You okay Grimes?” Negan asked on their way in.

“Yeah why?” Rick asked, a little too hurried for his liking.

“You seem out of it.”

“I’m fine.” Rick said. “Really.”

Negan dropped the subject and they walked inside. Michonne saw them come in and walked over, smiling. She gave them both a hug and welcomed them, showing Judith where she could find Andre in the playroom. She glanced back over at Rick.

“How are you?”

“Great.” Rick said. “Healthy again.”

“Good.” She smiled, and Rick thought she looked radiant.

But there was something else, he thought. It wasn’t her. It wasn’t the same Michonne he had known. That love was gone. And Rick found that he had marinated on the thoughts of her for so long over the past weeks that he felt…almost okay about it. They had something beautiful when they could. It was over now. But Rick felt okay. Besides, it would be selfish to project his feelings onto this Michonne.

Rick couldn’t help but wonder if Negan was still a little jealous. Probably not. After finding out the truth, Negan was considerably less lovey with him. But lately he had been way more annoying. And irritating. And fucking obnoxious.

After talking with Michonne, Rick found his way to Glenn and Maggie, who were currently working on eating all the cookies. People from Rick’s old life were currently filling the house, everyone from Carol to Amy to Aaron. Michonne and Andrea had gone all out on decorating. There was a huge Christmas tree in the living room that already had some presents under it, and outside lights were strung all over the house and the trees in the yard. Rick should have known Michonne would have wanted a gaudy Christmas, considering her taste in fine art. That was one of the things Rick was finding to be comforting, the little things from his old world that he’d notice here. Like Glenn’s humor, always the same, or Carol’s snarkiness. And Daryl’s quiet intensity, which amusingly enough would probably never change no matter what universe Daryl found himself in. But at the same time, when Rick found those qualities showing up in Negan, it was more jarring than comforting.

“Hey Rick.” Glenn said, interrupting his train of thought. “Cookie?”

“Are you sure you’re sharing?” He asked.

Glenn smiled sheepishly. “We’re hungry ok?”

“Is Beth here?” Rick asked.

“She’s around somewhere. Probably kissing Daryl under some mistletoe.” Maggie said.

“Wait, her and Daryl are actually together?” Rick asked, and he didn’t know why he hadn’t realized.

“Yeah,” Maggie said, “You mean you hadn’t noticed? No one told you?”

“I didn’t realize it was that serious.” Rick said. And he tried to imagine what it would have been like if Beth hadn’t died in their previous life. He couldn’t imagine Daryl actually successfully being in a relationship. Which sounded harsh, but then again maybe he shouldn’t underestimate him. People were full of surprises.

Maggie laughed. “Well, trust me; none of us really expected it. But they’re sweet together. Anyway, I wouldn’t be surprised if that’s where she is.”

Rick looked around the living room, people were milling in and out, and Rick couldn’t find Negan from where he was sitting. He got up and walked through the house, drifting in and out of conversations. Rick couldn’t find Beth, but he did find someone else when he had wandered onto the porch.

Dale was standing on the porch smoking a cigarette. The air was crisp and the sky black, but the moon was a bright crescent that casted light onto the lawn. Rick didn’t know Dale had smoked. He walked over, hands in his pockets, and leaned against the railing. Dale looked at him and smiled, tapping on a bell decoration that was hanging from the porch roof. The bell rang, echoing off the porch and into the night.

“What’s that?” Rick asked, giving a small smile. “Trying to earn your wings?”

“Something like that.” Dale said, taking a drag of his cigarette.

Rick sighed. He felt like he had all this responsibility that he didn’t yet fully know the details of, but all he could think about was how wound up he was.

“All that pent up frustration won’t do you any good.” Dale said, as if reading his mind. As if _always_ reading his mind.

“Oh shut up.” Rick muttered. “I’m fine.”

Dale chuckled. “If you say so.”

Rick couldn’t help but roll his eyes; Dale was really starting to get on his nerves. Or maybe that was all just Rick. He didn’t know. He almost asked Dale if he had a cigarette, but that would just make him feel worse.

“You out here for a reason?” Dale asked.

“Well I’m definitely not out here to hear about how in love I should be with Negan.” Rick said. “I guess I just needed to take a breather. It’s nice to see everyone, but it can be a little overwhelming still.”

“Like I said,” Dale repeated, “All that pent up frustration.”

“Hey,” Rick said, “Why don’t you stay out of my business?”

“Your business is my business.” Dale said matter of factly.

Rick huffed a sigh out his nose. “Still, I don’t really feel like talking about this.”

“I’m just saying,” Dale shrugged, “You should do something about those thoughts.”

Rick furrowed his brows. “Yeah well, I intend to. As soon as I can. By myself.”

Dale only laughed. Rick gave another sigh.

“I don’t know why I’m here, not really, but I’m glad to be around everyone in a life where we’re not fighting for it.” Rick said.

“Life is a fight no matter which one you find yourself in.” Dale said, his tone serious. “Remember that.”

Rick felt nervous all of a sudden, like maybe there was something more he didn’t yet understand. Something about his situation. But Dale wasn’t offering any answers. Maybe Beth had them.

“Merry Christmas.” Rick said, turning on his heel and walking back into the house, he heard Dale say the same behind him. When Rick walked into the house he nearly collided with Beth.

“Rick! Hey!” She said. Daryl must have been hanging elsewhere, because she was alone.

“Hey,” Rick said, “I was just talking to…”

Rick turned around to look out the glass door, but Dale was nowhere to be found. Of course.

“Nevermind.” Rick said. “How are you?”

“I’m good.” Beth said. “And yourself?”

Rick looked around and pulled her into what looked like Michonne and Andrea’s joint office.

“Did you feel super fucking antsy a few months into being here?” Rick asked her suddenly.

“Not really. I felt comfortable. Do you not feel comfortable here?” A look of concern spread across her face.

Rick grabbed the bridge of his nose. Fuck. He was hoping his frustrations were in part to being thrown into a new world. But it was starting to look more just like a simple physical problem. The kind that had him having annoying conversations with Dale and even _more_ annoying conversations with Negan, who seemed to always look just handsome enough.

Wait. Fuck. Slow down.

Not handsome.

Rick shook his head.

“Maybe I’m just tired.” He lied. “The holidays have been busy.”

Beth smiled gently at him. “You’ll work it out.”

“Yeah.” Rick said slowly. If he could just find the fucking time.

Beth was turning to leave when Rick grabbed her arm gently.

“Beth.” He said.

“What?” Beth asked.

“What were your conversations with Dale like?” Rick asked.

Beth thought for a moment. “They were just…nice. They were about transitioning and accepting my new life. It’s funny; I haven’t talked to him in a while. Guess he’s busy with you.”

“Was there anything…” Rick didn’t know how to word his question. “Suspicious?”

“Suspicious?” Beth asked. “What do you mean?”

Rick swallowed. “Just that he’s kind of mysterious.”

Beth laughed. “Of course he’s mysterious. I don’t know what else you’d expect.”

“I just feel like I don’t have all the answers.” Rick sighed.

“Rick,” Beth said, putting a hand on his arm, “You’ll never have all the answers. But who cares? Just enjoy the party. Worry about all that other stuff later.”

Rick nodded. But that was easier said than done. This was Rick’s life, and he felt like he was entitled to the answers of it. He didn’t ask for this, after all.

Rick and Beth left the office, rejoining the party in the living room. He found himself laughing when everyone crowded around Jesus, trying to get him to reenact the nativity scene. Rick realized he hadn’t seen Negan all night, maybe a glimpse of leather here and there, but overall Negan had been aloof. Until of course he was standing right behind Rick, saying “Boo!” into his ear.

Rick jumped, feeling his face grow hot for no reason other than that he couldn’t control it.

He turned around.

“You been hiding from me?” Negan grinned.

“What?” Rick asked. “ _No_. You been hiding from _me_?”

Negan looked irritated. “ _What?_ No.”

“Maybe I think you have.” Rick said, without thinking.

Negan laughed lowly. “I’m not fuckin’ hidin’ from you Grimes. I’m _socializing_.”

“Well so am I.” Rick growled.

“ _Good_.” Negan hissed.

“ _Fi-_

But Rick was cut off when Carol decided to say, “Look who found themselves under the mistletoe!”

Rick and Negan stared at each other, the looks of anger and aggression fading when they looked up to find a bundle of mistletoe hanging between them. Rick and Negan both cleared their throats at the same time.

“Sorry Carol,” Negan said, “I’d kiss him but he’s coming down with something ugly.”

Rick tried to hide the look on his face that was a mix of surprise and anger.

“Yeah well me too,” Rick said, “But I think you’re coming down with something nasty.”

“Oh?” Negan asked. “Is that so?”

“Whoa boys.” Carol said. “Save something for later.”

Rick and Negan both turned to look at her, embarrassed surprised looks on their faces. She just smiled at them and walked away, joining up with some of the others by the fire. Rick turned to look back at Negan.

“You are so obnoxious.” Rick hissed, their voices hushed.

“And you’re fucking annoying.” Negan said.

“Well at least I don’t wear the same goddamn thing every day.” Rick said, and he had no idea why he was having this petty fight with Negan or why he decided to bring up Negan’s insistent use of wearing his leather jacket.

“Oh now you don’t like my jacket?” Negan scoffed.

“Maybe if you were, oh, I don’t know, an actual goddamn biker. Which you’re not. You’re just a gym teacher.”

Rick felt like the playful look in Negan’s eyes had dissipated, and now he was left standing with someone that looked like they wanted to throw Rick into the fire.

“You’re such a little fucking shit Grimes.” Negan said.

“So are you.” Rick said.

“Yeah well let me know when you get that stick out of your ass.”

“Stop it.” Rick said, as though he wasn’t pushing Negan just as much.

“Hey. You started it.” Negan muttered, but he just walked away, leaving Rick to stand very angry, very confused, _and very frustrated,_ under the mistletoe.

As usual, Rick didn’t know what was happening to him.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> in which i write an entire chapter dedicated solely to rick's sexual frustration xD   
> i hope you have a good day ❤


	13. On

Rick could feel the tension enveloping the house over the next set of days. He felt like all the pent up frustration was seeping out his pores and infecting Negan, who had grown considerably more snarky since Christmas Eve. Christmas was quiet, just Rick, Negan, and the kids; and both of them had managed to swallow whatever it was that was trying to escape their throats. At least for the night. No need to start World War 3 on the birthday of the baby Jesus. Or something like that.

But after Christmas Rick found that his family wouldn’t leave him, for lack of better phrasing, the fuck alone. Carl was constantly hounding him about stuff he either needed for school or wanted for school, and there was so much technical stuff to prepare for that Rick found himself standing behind Negan in his office trying to work through tuition issues half the day. And Rick was at a loss, he hadn’t had to think about money or finances for the past few years, let alone math.

“Grimes, it’s not as complicated as it looks.” Negan said one afternoon when Rick was once more standing behind him, peering over his shoulder at the computer.

When Negan heard Rick sigh, he added, “None of you kept your math skills in check?”

“I mean,” Rick mumbled, “Lori tried to keep Carl up to date with school stuff but…that faded out pretty quick. There was a man named Eugene who was smart…or at least pretended to be.”

“Shit,” Negan said, “Eugene Porter?”

“Yes.” Rick said, and he didn’t know why he felt so shocked at Negan knowing Eugene. “How do you know him?”

“He’s the high school science teacher.” Negan said, a little laugh on his words. “He’s one hell of a guy.”

“Yeah he is.” Rick said, and he was smiling, even though his last memory was of a Savior bringing Eugene out of a van to watch Rick die.

 “Anyway,” Negan said, “Your days of playing Rambo are over. It’s time to remember how to do math _and_ that buying a 20 dollar box of fucking cookies is out of the question.”

Rick started to sputter some form of protest but Negan interjected.

“I really can’t trust you with our finances if you’re gonna do that shit. I’m just saying.”

“We’re about to pay thousands of dollars for Carl to go to college.” Rick said.

“Yeah no fucking shit.” Negan said. “So I’ll say it again, unless you’re gonna wake up tomorrow and suddenly you’re Kim-Fucking-Kardashian, you’re not buying a box of cookies that costs 20 bucks.”

“Who’s that?”

Negan groaned. “Let’s just say I wouldn’t complain if that did happen.”

Rick sighed.

“So you had no monetary system?” Negan asked.

Rick scoffed. “Why would we?”

“How did you do business with anybody else?”

Rick laughed, “Are you serious? By the time we met anybody else worth establishing trade with, we had met you in practically the same fucking day. And you didn’t have a ‘monetary system’, you’re ‘system’ was just taking half our shit. The trade was that you didn’t kill us.”

Negan scratched at his chin. “Oh.”

“Yeah.” Rick said. “So you’ll forgive me if I’m a little shitty with money.”

Negan sighed, “Alright Grimes. Free pass. For now. It’s better than you thinking you can just steal shit.”

Rick felt his face grow hot. “That happened once and it was an honest mistake.”

If it wasn’t Carl bugging Rick about college, and it wasn’t Negan forcing him back into responsible adult life, it was Judith, who was on break from kindergarten. Which wasn’t a bad thing, at all. Rick enjoyed spending time with her the most, if he was being honest. The only thing was it left Rick absolutely no time to be alone. Things were so busy Rick couldn’t even take a long enough shower without somebody banging on the door.

“New Year’s Eve.” Negan said one night when they were in their bedroom. He was standing at the base of the bed in a tank top and boxer briefs. “Judith and Carl are staying at your parents. I talked to them about it today.”

Rick didn’t know how to feel, he wondered when his family would talk to him directly instead of going to Negan.

“I meant to tell you earlier.” Negan said.

“It’s fine.” Rick said, trying to avoid looking at Negan, whose body was currently casted in a ray of moonlight that made his shoulders and arms look…Rick rolled over and shoved his face into his pillow. He felt Negan’s body as he got into the bed, the mattress moving under him. It had become too normal, Rick thought, sleeping next to him. But half the time as soon as he closed his eyes he didn’t even notice Negan was there. Lately though, it was like he could feel all the heat radiating off Negan, burning Rick’s skin.

Rick and Negan had just got done driving Judith and Carl to Rick’s parents, and were now heading back home. Rick wanted to tap his fingers on something, find something to do, but Negan’s Cadillac had a booth style seat, so there was nowhere to rest his hand. Unless he wanted to tap his fingers on Negan’s thigh, which, no, he didn’t. He didn’t know why he thought of that.

The tension was obvious. It had to be. As the establishment of Rick being a different person than the one Negan knew was growing clearer, so was the fact that they were sleeping together but not actually _sleeping together_. And like fuck they would ever talk about that or bring it up.

It was the first time Rick realized that Negan was probably feeling even more wound up than him. The Other Rick had fallen into a coma in August, it was now almost January. And Negan was probably anticipating some sort of physical contact when Rick had woken up. Which probably explained why Negan was getting really irritated and antsy too.

When they got home, Negan immediately ordered Chinese food and sat on the couch, kicking his feet up. Rick joined him, realizing he was pretty hungry and wouldn’t mind takeout. It was already evening, so when the food arrived, Negan had turned on Jeopardy.  

Rick had watched Negan watch Jeopardy almost every day since he had woken up. Negan was obsessed with it. But this was the first time Rick had really sat down to watch. And Rick absolutely sucked at anything pop culture, so he was often times useless.

“A Black Cat.” Negan said, answering a question in a Superstitions category.

“So you really…love Jeopardy.” Rick said.

“Yeah.”

“Wow.”

Negan scoffed. “I’m sorry, did we have a lot of conversations in your world? Did we share secrets?”

“No.” Rick said.

“Then seems to me it could make a lot of sense that I love Jeopardy.” Negan said. “Now doesn’t it?”

“I...guess you’re right.” Rick said, and he tried to imagine the Other Negan sitting down to watch a game show.

“You should pay attention.” Negan said. “You might learn something.”

Rick sat silently and watched the rest of the game, successfully answering a few.

“There you go Grimes.” Negan said.

During Final Jeopardy, Rick watched as the three contestants battled it out. Only one of them got the correct answer, but her wager wasn’t enough to earn her the win. Rick found himself yelling at the TV.

“That’s bullshit!” Rick cried. “None of those two knew the answer but she loses?!”

Negan stared at him. “This game is half knowledge half strategy. The other two had the strategy.”

“That’s not fair.” Rick said.

“ _Grimes_ ,” Negan said, exasperated, “If it all came down to Final Jeopardy, why play the game? It’s about _strategy_. Now I know you know how to strategize. Maybe not very _well_ …”

Rick snapped his head to glare at Negan.

“Hard to strategize against a psychopath.”

“Mm,” Negan said, “I don’t think that’s true. In fact I bet it’s not. You don’t want to admit it, but I was probably a lot more complicated than you’d like. Wasn’t I?”

“I wouldn’t know.” Rick said, grinding his teeth. “ _You_ are. I don’t know if _he_ is.”

“God Grimes. You are way too easy to wind up.” Negan laughed.

‘Hard not to be when you’re already wound up in the first place.’ Rick thought to himself.

Negan went to throw away their food trash and put away leftovers. When he walked back into the room Rick was still sitting on the couch.

“I’m gonna go answer a few emails.” Negan said.

“Alright.” Rick said, and he heard Negan’s footsteps disappear up the stairs.

Rick stood up and walked behind the couch, grabbing the remote that was on a thin table against the back wall. Negan had set it there amongst a few picture frames earlier. Rick leaned forward on the couch, arms resting on the back of it, and he flicked through the channels mindlessly. Somehow Rick had been channel surfing enough that he ended up all the way at the premium channels, which he had to admit, were pretty sweet. Rick felt his thumb hover over the channel button, his eyes distracted by the image on the screen.

There were two naked women making out in a bathtub. In retrospect, it wasn’t nearly as sexy as it could have been, but just seeing that sent Rick’s mind into a frenzy, and he couldn’t get himself to change the channel. Rick watched as a man walked in, he had a large build, short black hair, and oh fuck.

He kind of looked like Negan.

Or maybe he didn’t. And Rick’s mind was so fucked up that any random adult movie guy would make him think of Negan. He tried to press the channel button but his thumb just wouldn’t move.

The man was dressed, at least. And he walked over to the women and helped one out of the tub. Rick had no idea who would direct this. It was random and weird and made no fucking sense. But that didn’t really matter. Anyone else watching this was probably just as wound up as Rick, and by that point, plot wasn’t important.

Rick didn’t know how long he had been watching, but things were heating up in this little story and Rick knew he should change the channel. But at this point he was also just really curious about what was going to happen. Even though he knew damn well what was going to happen.

Rick heard a booming laughing voice behind him.

“ _Holy fuck, what are you watching?_ ”

Rick jumped, the remote lifting out of his hands. He tried to catch it, but it just smacked against his fingers, bouncing out of every attempt he made to grab it. It fell to the floor, hitting the hardwood.

Negan was still laughing. “Oh my fucking _God_.”

“I wasn’t…” Rick didn’t know what to say. Denial felt too stupid.

Negan walked over and picked up the remote, an evil rabbit toothed grin on his face. “You were watching porn in our house.”

“I was flipping through channels.” Rick said, and he made an attempt to take the remote from Negan.

Negan held the remote away from Rick.

“What are you doing.” Rick said.

“You like this stuff?” Negan asked, his grin still wide and shit-eating.

“ _No_.” Rick said.

“Bet you missed this shit in the apocalypse huh?”

“I’ve never really watched it.” Rick mumbled.

“You’ve got to be shitting me.” Negan said.

“Well,” Rick said, taking another chance at grabbing the remote, “I was more interested in the real thing.”

“Oh I see.” Negan said, having too much fun and holding the remote up. “You think those are correlated somehow.”

Rick jumped and tried to grab the remote, fingers just out of reach.

“You’re too short.” Negan grinned. “Give up.”

Rick felt himself blushing, moans coming from the TV.

“ _Turn it off then_.” Rick said.

“ _Make. Me_.” Negan growled. “ _I want to see how big and bad you really are_.”

Rick glared up at him. “Are you sure about that?”

Rick was stunned when Negan placed a palm on his chest and gave him a light push.

“Yeah.” Negan said, still holding the remote out of Rick’s reach.

Rick didn’t know how it started, he wasn’t sure what his first move had been, all he knew was he was now wrestling Negan for the remote. And then they had fallen to the ground, Negan laughing hysterically as Rick tried to grab the remote from him. They rolled around on the floor, coming dangerously close to knocking over the Christmas tree. Rick felt his head meet the fake tree branches, and he rolled away and jumped at Negan, grabbing him around the middle and putting him on his back. But this Negan was strong, like he was a gym teacher that actually made it a point to be fit.

Negan grabbed Rick by the arms and rolled him over, and they went like that for what felt like minutes, both fighting and breathing hard. And Rick was surprised at how evenly matched they were, until Rick found himself pinned under Negan again, this time for good.

Negan was sitting on top of Rick, legs straddling his sides, sitting on his midriff. Rick was out of breath, his arms pinned at his sides by Negan, who was breathing heavily. They stared at each other for a moment, Rick realizing that Negan was stronger than him. And it pissed him off.

He watched Negan grin, pick up the remote next to them and wave it in his face. The trio on the TV were still going at it.

Negan leaned back to turn the TV off, his butt scooting past Rick’s midriff and resting on his crotch. Rick felt his face burning at 451 degrees, and Negan snapped his head back to look at Rick, a look of amused shock on his face.

“Holy flying fuck.” Negan said, “Are you fucking hard right now?”

Rick felt his eyes grow wide, Negan’s weight on top of him feeling painful and even worse, arousing. He furrowed his brows and was about the say something when Negan dug his ass into Rick’s lap.

“Jesus fucking Christ.” Negan whistled. “ _You are._ ”

Rick just stared up at him; flames in his eyes that he could only hope would give Negan third degree burns.

“Shit Grimes, was it _Two Girls One Guy The Sequel_ or our little wrestling match?” Negan laughed, still not moving or budging.

Negan gave another laugh, this time low and dangerous. “Fuck Grimes. I’m feeling hot and bothered myself now.”

Rick was at a loss for words. He was completely embarrassed and completely infuriated. And Negan was still on top of him, giving him a look like he thought this was the funniest shit ever.

“ _Get the fuck off me_.” Rick growled.

Negan gave one more smirk but obliged, sitting on the floor. Rick sat up, his face flushed, and the situation in his pants hadn’t let up at all. And Negan was aware of it. And Rick didn’t know he could still feel this fucking mortified about something so stupid.

“You’re such a fucking asshole.” Rick breathed, still out of breath from their fight.

“And you can’t get your head out of your ass for one second to just fucking laugh at something.”

“It’s not funny.” Rick hissed.

Negan gave a breathy, wheezing laugh. “Yeah it is.”

Negan gave a deep sigh, his knee sliding across the hardwood floor and hitting Rick in the thigh. They stared at each other, both of them looking like they could enter Round 2 of their fight at any moment. But they didn’t. Or maybe they did, and fighting just had a different meaning depending on the circumstance.

The eye contact was almost like a sealing of fate, because once their eyes met, it was over. They both moved at the same time, lips meeting rough and haphazardly. Rick didn’t know if he could stop it. He didn’t know if he wanted to. They had collided and Rick had a feeling they wouldn’t break apart until they had gone the whole way through.

And then Negan’s hand was on Rick’s throat and Rick had grabbed fistfuls of Negan’s shirt. It was a lot like their fight in that Rick found himself moving with Negan across the living room. When they got to the stairs, Rick felt Negan grab him by the ass with one hand, and suddenly Rick’s legs were straddling Negan’s waist. Negan carried him up the stairs, Rick’s crotch digging into Negan’s navel, only this time Rick wasn’t embarrassed. And not because it wasn’t embarrassing, but just because Rick had absolutely nothing going through his mind except doing something about all the pent up energy raging inside him. He assumed Negan felt the same, because soon they were in the bedroom, and then they were on the bed.

They didn’t say anything; they just went at each other like rabid wolves. Rick felt Negan’s teeth on his neck, and he closed his eyes and felt Negan’s mouth meet back up with his. Rick had no time to process who was kissing him and touching him, sitting around doing nothing had gotten so unbearable that all Rick wanted was the release.

Rick was still kissing Negan as he pulled the belt out of his pants, tossing it to the side and trying desperately to get his pants unbuttoned. Once Rick got his button undone, Negan had flipped him over. Rick felt his face collide with the pillows, he found a spot where he could still breathe, but his vision was now dark.

Rick felt a wave of fear rush through him as he heard Negan fiddling with his own belt. The sound of metal and unbuckling seemed even louder now that Rick could no longer see anything. There was a particularly loud zip from Negan’s pants that made Rick’s breath catch in his throat.

Rick could hear a drawer opening and closing at his side, and then the sound of Negan’s belt sliding out of the pant loops. There was a thud on the ground. It had only been several seconds since Rick found himself face first in the pillows, but it felt like an eternity when the sounds were amplified.

Negan had slid Rick’s pants and boxers off in one go, and he felt Negan’s warm hands on his hips, moving him into a better position. He heard the cap of a bottle open, and then Negan’s hand was back on his body. There wasn’t a coherent thought going through Rick’s mind, if there was, maybe he’d have the time to realize what he was about to let happen and who he was about to let do it. And then Negan was thrusting inside him, and Rick let out a moan of satisfaction almost immediately. It didn’t hurt, and Rick figured that was because this body was used to things his old one just wasn’t. And it felt good, and even though Rick couldn’t see, he still closed his eyes anyway.

Neither of them lasted long, and neither were thinking, because Rick was pretty sure he just fucked up their winter sheets. Rick let out a deep breath, and he hadn’t realized it, but his fingers were wrapped tightly around the bed sheets, knuckles white. He uncurled his fingers, feeling the rest of his body relax. Negan had already gotten off of him, and he heard the sound of pants zipping back up.

Rick rolled over, avoiding the mess on the bed, and sat up, closing his legs. Negan was already standing a few feet away from the bed. They were both still breathing hard. And Rick had felt a release, but there was still a tension hovering in the room. And he didn’t know what to do about that.

And then he was still sitting on the bed, half naked, and he watched as Negan started to cry.

Rick didn’t know what do about that either.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some people go with the moment and then oops, theyre pregnant  
> Some people go with the moment and bang their mortal enemy and/or the living body of their dead lover 
> 
> But both have pretty steep consequences


	14. Devastation

Rick’s senses were coming back to him so fast that the impact of what had just happened had rendered him unable to move. Negan didn’t say anything, and Rick watched as he went to their bathroom and shut the door. Rick got out of the bed and put on his boxers faster than he had ever done anything in his life. He grabbed the sheets off the mattress and took them to the washing machine, wondering how many times he’d ruin the sheets and in how many different contexts.

Rick gripped the sides of the washing machine as it churned beneath him. There was no way that happened. What the fuck was he thinking? He had really let Negan do all that to him, touch him and fuck him and kiss him…Was he out of his mind? What would everyone back home think? Well, fuck that, he wasn’t ever going back there. No one would know. Even if he told Beth she wouldn’t hold it against him because she never met the man. She only knew him as the sweet asshole. He felt sick, all those days of separating Negan from the other one were collapsing together, and he was having a hard time making the distinction.

He closed his eyes, the previous ten minutes replaying in his mind not unlike a poorly directed adult film. He saw his face pressed into the pillows, his hands gripping the sheets, the two of them moving so fast that the only one even half undressed was Rick. But it was good that it was impersonal, wasn’t it?

Rick thought about that nightmare he had. The one where he was in that dark room, undressed, Negan illuminated in red. The one where he was able to get away and slash his throat. And while a million thoughts of the horror of the situation were flashing in his mind, a different thought broke through. Negan had stood there after, crying.

And then it wasn’t what Negan had done to Rick. It was what Rick had done _to Negan_. He felt sick for a new reason now. He should have thought about what this would have done to Negan, all the implications and the messiness. But he didn’t. He just hadn’t thought. The one time he needed to take in consideration the feelings of the man that killed him and he just didn’t. Rick had always wanted to hurt Negan, but not like this. Not this Negan, anyhow.

Rick felt innumerable amounts of guilt. He should have stopped it. He knew how complicated the feelings inside Negan must have been, and he chose to ignore them. He finally took his grip off the washing machine.

He walked back up the steps, slowly, and made his way back into their bedroom. The bathroom door was unlocked, to Rick’s surprise, and when he opened it he found Negan sitting on the tile, his back against the wall, in the dark. Rick sat down next to him, he probably should give Negan space, but the guilt was clouding his mind and he just needed to talk him.

But it was Negan who spoke first, through tears.

“Have you ever watched someone die of cancer?” Negan asked, and Rick found himself surprised by the question.

“No.” Rick said. He had watched his family die over and over, but not like that.

“By the time Lucille was diagnosed, it was terminal.” Negan said, and he looked to the ceiling, in the way that people sometimes do when they’re trying to escape tears, but can’t outrun them. Rick sat and listened.

“How do you deal with that?” Negan said. “How are you supposed to just stand in front of someone who’s telling you something you have no control over? And so fucking matter of fact too. The doctor said we had a month, maybe two. I felt like they thought that was a lot of time, but it wasn’t. A month goes by so fucking fast. You can’t measure anything in a month they’re that fucking short. We’re all going to die. That’s just it. But when someone actually tells you when and how, it’s fucking devastating.”

“You can’t stop old age. You can’t stop that. But anything else you feel like there was _something_ you could have done _maybe._ Even though there wasn’t. Isn’t. But you still feel like there is. You still feel like you didn’t do enough. Like maybe you could just fucking will it away. But you can’t.”

“And then you’re just waiting. You’re just fucking waiting. You don’t know when. Or how. Even though you were told when and how. And I felt like I was suffocating every single day. I was holding my breath. Maybe on purpose. Maybe I thought the tightness in my chest and the grip on my throat would kill me too. They just expected me to survive with it.”

“And the fucking waiting. Every day of suffocating. Never being able to escape reality long enough to feel something other than dread. And it’s in the air; the fact of it hangs there. You can taste it on your tongue, feel it looming. There’s nothing you can do except let it slide down your throat, hitching a ride in the water, in your food, in your spit. It’s going to happen. You can see one of the worst days of your entire life approaching but you can’t judge the distance. You can’t prepare. And you don’t want to.”

“Then it happens. And you think all the pain you’ve been feeling would just amplify, but it doesn’t. You feel a completely different kind of pain. New and fucking improved and yet it doesn’t diminish the pain you felt before.”

“And I didn’t know what to do. I hugged her every day, breathed in her scent, pet her hair, kissed her forehead. I tried to capture her before she was gone. I never told her, but maybe she heard me in my mind. I said it was okay if she didn’t want to fight. She didn’t have to make it to the long end of things, she could go when she had to, and I wouldn’t hold it against her for a fucking second. You get to the end of someone’s time, and you don’t want to force anymore out of them. She had given me so much already. So it was okay.”

“It was okay.”

“She wanted me to survive. She told me I would. That I could find happiness and light still. And I believed her. Some days when she was still here I could see it; even as I looked right at her I could see that there was hope in a future without her. That I’d be able to navigate it on my own. Maybe that was one of the hardest parts. Was knowing she was right. I could survive. I could find something worth continuing for. Maybe I felt guilty about that. And then it just became this mix of devastation and determination. They still fight. Sometimes determination loses, sometimes it wins.”

“She taught me to believe in light. To believe in the fight. She said great loss can’t exist if great love wasn’t there first. I don’t know what I did to be so lucky to share her time. Billions of years of life on the planet and somehow our timelines matched the fuck up. And we weren’t even supposed to be together. I met her from friends. She was on a date with my roommate, it didn’t work out, so we shrugged and hung out instead. We didn’t know what it would become. Something wanted us to be together. Something forced its hand and made it so. It was important. It was important. It was fucking destiny.”

“It was important. It was for a reason.”

“So I watched her die. And no I didn’t want to. I never wanted to. But I had to. And I did. And I just survived somehow.”

Negan gave a deep breath. Rick had tears making their way silently down his face. Why did he have the feeling his Negan went through the same goddamn thing?

“And I couldn’t talk about it. Even to the people closest to me. Even though they were going through it too. The suffocation had prevented me.”

“Then I met Rick.”

Rick looked over at Negan, who had turned his head to look at him too, eyes dancing back and forth to a slow and sad waltz.

“And he didn’t understand it all the way. But he knew the loss. And he knew the pain. And he showed me the light. And he showed me how to fight. And I didn’t have to believe in those things anymore. He made them true. But I think I would have made them true too. In time. I guess that time is now.”

Negan turned his head away, tears still falling from his eyes.

“I’ll just never know why I had to watch them both die. No higher power made them die so that I could learn something, their lives were worth more than their role in mine. And Lucille’s time, Rick’s time, it belonged to them. It didn’t belong to me. I was just lucky enough to share it. But there has to be a reason why I was made to bear witness to so much fucking loss. Maybe it goes back to what Lucille said about love. And fuck. I’m grateful to have had such immeasurable fucking amounts of love in my life. It hurts so bad because it fucking meant something. I never wanted to go through life numb, if I’m gonna be here I’m gonna fucking feel it all. I’m gonna get to the end of mine and go fuck, look at the love I had in my life. Some people don’t get that, some people exist and that’s it. I refuse to be numb.”

Rick felt an odd feeling of awe in him. He didn’t know how life could be so cruel to Negan and how Negan could find gratitude in that. But he was right wasn’t he? Rick could not regret the love and bonds he had formed in his life, each one so temporary and short, each one not guaranteed to last, but each one meaningful and each one fucking everything.

And he thought of his Negan. Who had let the pain turn him numb. Who had let the pain suffocate him so much that he let it turn him into something that wasn’t human. Wasn’t that the road where Rick had been headed, for a little while at least? Wasn’t Rick just a few steps away from becoming just like his Negan?

“I know you’ve seen a lot.” Negan said. “Maybe you’ve seen a lot fucking worse. Maybe you’ve seen a lot fucking worse _from me_. But I’m glad you’ve never been through that.”

Rick held his breath, felt that absolute ache in his throat that comes when you want to cry out but have to hold it in.

“And I fucking lied.” Negan said. “Looking at you is a lot harder than I thought.”

Rick put his head down. He wanted new hair, new eyes, a new face. A new body. Anything different. Anything that wouldn’t bring Negan pain. And he always had room in his mind to recognize how fucking fucked up that was.

“We can’t do anything like that again.” Negan said, breaking Rick’s train of thought.

“No.” Rick said quickly.

“It’s too confusing.” Negan whispered. “It hurts too much.”

And Rick found he just wanted to apologize, but the words wouldn’t come out.

“I don’t want to make you do anything,” Negan said, “But if you could sleep downstairs tonight, I’d appreciate it. I really just want to be alone.”

“I can do that.” Rick said, and he felt like that was a small price to pay for completely disregarding Negan’s feelings. Even if Negan was going at him too with just as much passion, Rick knew his reasons why were different and damaged and fucked up. And Rick shouldn’t have let Negan go through with what they did.

Rick left Negan upstairs and walked down to the basement, the air mattress was still set up from Thanksgiving, and he found his way to it in the dark. He didn’t want to turn on the light. Moving through total darkness felt like being completely alone, like maybe he’d find that the dark kept going and he’d walk somewhere new. A place where he could just breathe and forget everything.

He laid on the air mattress, wondering when things got so complicated and rough. Well, they always were, but this was different.

Rick had pushed this world too far.

He couldn’t sleep. He got out of bed and walked back up to the first floor. By the washing machine he found a pair of sweatpants and put them on, then he slipped on his shoes and walked outside into the night.

He didn’t know where he was going, or maybe he did, because soon enough his feet led him to the hill and the lawn chairs. They were both empty, but Rick sat down anyway. He felt the plastic of the chair bend under him like it always did. He didn’t know how long he sat there, hands resting on the chair’s sides. The moon was almost full, and reminded him too much of the way it looked the night he had killed Shane. It was just as bright.

Rick wondered if it was the same one.

He heard footsteps in the grass behind him, but he didn’t turn around. He watched out his peripheral as a figure sat down in the plastic chair next to him.

“You called?” Dale said.

Rick took a deep breath. Then another. Then Dale was watching him, waiting for him to finally speak.

“I fucked up.”

“How’s that?”

“We fucked.”

“When?”

Rick sighed. “I don’t know, a little over an hour ago?”

They were both silent for a moment. Rick could tell that while Dale had been pushing exactly this, something was wrong. And he wasn’t smiling to himself or looking pleased.

“You want to talk about it?” Dale asked.

“It just happened.” Rick said. “Out of nowhere. Maybe out of everywhere. Fuck. Fuck I fucked him up.”

Rick put his head in his hands.

“You feel guilty.” Dale said.

“Yes.” Rick said. “Because he’s already been through so much and he didn’t need to see me in that…way…not like that. And now I’ve put him through this fucking emotional trauma. How is he supposed to reconcile that? How are we both not supposed to feel sick about that? You say I’m here for some reason; the reason can’t possibly be to emotionally damage the man beyond repair. Maybe that’s something I would have loved to do when I first woke up here, but not now.”

“Have you thought about what I’ve been saying?” Dale asked, and Rick looked up out of his hands, a glint of anger in his eyes. He was beside himself that Dale would actually ask about that after all.

“Now isn’t the time to push that Dale.” Rick said sternly.

“Rick,” and Rick half expected to hear Dale call him ‘Grimes’, “It would be wise for you to take into consideration what I’ve been saying.”

And he said it slowly. And Rick didn’t know why.

“Even if I _liked_ him the smallest amount, it’s not going to happen.” Rick said. “Not after tonight. Any hope you had in that is shot. Maybe you were right; maybe there could have been the tiniest chance. But not anymore. I guess I made sure of that.”

“I’m just saying,” Dale said, slow again, “It would be…a good…idea…for you…to try.”

“What does that mean?” Rick asked.

Dale stood up out of the seat.

“Dale.”

Rick watched as he turned around and started to walk back down the hill.

“ _Dale.”_ Rick called, a sudden desperation on his voice. But Dale wasn’t listening. Rick thought about something he had brought up in one of their past conversations. Something Dale had ignored.

“ _Did you bring me here without permission?”_ Rick called, his voice catching on the January air.

But Dale had disappeared into the shadows.

And Rick had a feeling that Dale didn’t want to tell him something, something important. Something vital. Rick had a feeling he was living in an hourglass, and there was only one thing he could do to stop the sand from running out.

Only he didn’t know what would happen if it did.

When Rick returned home he saw a shadowed figure in the kitchen. It was Negan. He was sitting on the counter eating the leftover food. Rick took notice that he had changed out of his pants and was sitting in his boxer briefs, legs dangling off the side of the counter, the moon casting a light through the window. Rick thought that maybe what he had done was a lapse in judgment, but seeing Negan’s legs with a clear mind made him think otherwise.

“Hey Grimes.” Negan said softly when Rick entered the kitchen.

“Hey.”

Negan handed him a carton of leftover food and Rick took it, realizing that their little activity had left him pretty hungry. The gesture didn’t feel like a truce though, it felt like the acknowledgment of the end of something. Only Rick wasn’t sure what. Maybe it was the end of pretending like they were together. And Rick didn’t know why that upset him.

Rick sat on top of the counter opposite Negan.

“Where were you?” Negan asked.

“I went for a walk.” Rick said.

“I know for sure you’re not my Rick.” Negan said, staring intently into his carton.

“You do?”

“Yeah,” Negan sighed, “You kiss completely different.”

If Rick wasn’t so drained he’d probably have the energy to turn red, but he was, so he didn’t.

“Huh.” Rick said.

“And you make different sounds.” Negan murmured.

And there was Rick’s energy, back to make him feel the hotness in his face. He was glad it was too dark to notice.

Negan cleared his throat. “Let’s just move on from this.”

“Agreed.” Rick said.

“I don’t know what the future’s gonna hold, but for now I’m not gonna make you figure it out right away.”

“What do you mean?” Rick asked.

“Just…it’s not like we’re going to be together now. We can’t live like this forever. I can’t.”

Negan’s words were low and sad.

“I don’t think we can do that to the kids.” Rick said quietly, almost without thinking.

“You were ready to do it to them when you woke up and thought I was a fuckin’ maniac.” Negan scoffed.

“Yeah but…”

“Don’t sweat; I’m not going to dump you on your ass in the cold.” Negan said. “Think about it this way, now you’re going to get what you’ve wanted since you got here, right? Happy New Year.”

Negan put a foot on the trash can pedal and dumped his carton in when it opened, leaving Rick alone in the kitchen. He stared at the tile on the ground. 10 weeks living with Negan had been a rollercoaster, and if Rick knew at the beginning how he’d feel 10 weeks in he would have never believed it. Because now there was a part of him that was actually upset at Negan’s declaration. And somehow the tables had turned again, and he found himself feeling hurt. Even though he still couldn’t pinpoint exactly why. He gave a deep sigh and watched the digital clock on the oven turn to midnight. It changed quietly, and he sat in the stillness of the kitchen, hearing a distant firework from somewhere far off.

And Rick couldn’t help but feel like that hourglass had just lost _a lot_ of sand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was rough.  
> It comes from a very personal place, something I am going through right now, this chapter was honestly very much a diary entry. I would never use a fic for such blatant autobiographical purposes unless I felt it made sense within the story so I hope this is ok. I just really really needed to have a place where dumping these feelings would make sense. I don't want to go into it but I just want you to know that you guys pull me through without even knowing it. I didn't get to respond to the comments on the last chapter but I wish I could adequately explain how much your support and your kind words mean to me. This fandom has shown me so much unnecessary kindness. You guys warm my heart. I am forever grateful. I carry so much gratitude in my heart from you guys. It's kind of silly considering that this is all based around a ship but it's true, I don't know what I'd do without this fandom.  
> Thank you, I love you


	15. Determination

The next day Negan left Rick in charge of food shopping while he went to pick up Judith and Carl. Rick hadn’t slept. All sorts of thoughts were keeping him awake. The biggest one being Dale’s evasiveness about what Rick was now referring to as his ‘terms and conditions’. But if there was one thing Rick Grimes did better than most, it was survive.

He figured he was never good at surviving against Negan though, and that had to hurt his chances.

He took the list and walked outside. Negan had taken the minivan, leaving Rick with Lucille. He walked over to the vintage black Cadillac. Negan was one for flare, always. He sat down in the driver’s seat and put his hands on the wheel, gripping tightly. Rick breathed out slowly, as though the car might attack him.

“I bet you’re a real _ Christine _ .” Rick murmured, running his fingers over the wheel before starting the car.

At the store, Rick couldn’t help but go off the list. There was just  _ so much _ . There were things that Rick had completely forgotten about, like double stuffed oreos and dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets, and he stuffed a large box of them into the cart even though Negan was pretty adamant about real cooking. He didn’t know how long he had been at the store, but the cart was packed and he was ready to check out when he ran into Carol.

“Woah Rick, preparing for the end times?” She asked, eyes wide at Rick’s stockpile.

“Uh, something like that.” Rick said.

“How are you these days? Getting back to your old self?”

Rick scratched the back of his head and sighed. “…Something like that.”

“Don’t stress.” She said. “We can still come back, from all sorts of things.”

“Yeah, maybe you’re right.” Rick said. “It’s just…not easy sometimes.”

“No it’s not.” Carol said. “But I know you; you’re going to be okay.”

“Yeah…yeah.” Rick said.

But that’s what everyone else thought before Negan killed him. Their conversation dissolved into college talk, Sophia was a year younger than Carl, so she was only just beginning to apply. Rick felt suddenly anxious about Carl leaving, but there was something relieving about it too, because it meant he lived in a world where Carl could have a normal life.

When Carl left however, it would leave Rick alone with Negan and Judith. Which meant Negan might try to speed up whatever process it was that involved them not being together anymore. And wasn’t that what Rick wanted? Right? No?

The truth was that Rick had grown to like his arrangement. It had become somewhat normal to him. In a weird way, it was comforting. Or maybe Rick had really lost his mind and he wasn’t thinking straight. The other truth was that Rick still wasn’t used to this world, even though he had lived in a similar one almost his entire life prior to the outbreak. But he didn’t know what he would do on his own. He didn’t know what his purpose was anymore. And soon nobody would ask how he was doing, and he would no longer be able to use the coma as a crutch for not being able to deal with the world. And what would happen if he and Negan really split up? Who would keep the house? Who would get the kids for the weekend? Rick had a sinking feeling it would be him. And in this world, his kids were more Negan’s than his own.

Rick couldn’t imagine it. Living in a lonely apartment, no job, just retirement. Then he thought of his ‘terms and conditions’ and figured that if he and Negan really split up, he wouldn’t make it that far. He didn’t know what was going to happen with that hourglass, but it wasn’t going to be good.

Rick arrived at the house twenty minutes before Negan returned home with the kids. When they came inside, Rick was in the kitchen making food in the oven. Judith hugged him and told Rick about her New Years, and then she was sitting at the kitchen table coloring. Negan watched as Rick took out a hot tray and set it on the stove.

“What is that?” Negan asked, looking at the balls of fried  _ something _ .

“You’ll see.” Rick said. He put one on a plate and walked over to Judith, setting it down in front of her.

“Do you want to see what’s inside?” Rick asked.

“Yes!” Judith said.

Rick took a knife and cut the appetizer, revealing clumps of mac and cheese. He watched as Judith’s eyes grew wide. It looked as though she had seen God. And God wasn’t a man, or a woman, God was fried macaroni and cheese.

“Can I eat it!?” Judith cried.

Rick laughed. “Of course, just be careful, it’s hot.”

Rick turned around and caught Negan giving a soft smile, but when they made eye contact, it broke. Something in that made Rick ache. He walked back over to the oven.

“So you had some fun at the grocery store I’m guessing?” Negan asked.

“Uh, maybe a little bit.” Rick said.

“Why do I have a feeling there’s more junk in the freezer?” Negan murmured.

“Because there is.” Rick said.

Negan snatched up the receipt and began to look it over.

“Well, at least you got everything on the list.” He said, and then he looked at the unreal amount of cans on the countertop. “How many beans do you think the human body can handle?”

“Uh, well…” and Rick didn’t know why he was so nervous all of a sudden.

“You know it’s a good thing our wholesale club membership ended a long time ago or I’d have a feeling our house would be nothing but toilet paper and canned beans.” Negan said.

“Old habits die hard.” Rick said, and he glanced up and caught Negan’s eyes, which looked extra tired but extra brown. And maybe green. And maybe Rick was fucking crazy.

“Anyway, I actually have to go to the school today. I might be helping out with some coaching this semester so I gotta work out the schedule.” Negan said.

“Oh, ok.” Rick said.

He watched as Negan walked over to Judith, gave her a kiss, and headed out without so much as another word to Rick. He looked over at Judith and imagined how much her life was going to change. And it wasn’t fair.

Carl was already up in his room, so Rick took Judith outside to play. Beth was walking outside Maggie and Glenn’s house, her car keys in her hand. Judith was running around the lawn when Beth saw Rick and walked over. She sat down next to him on the porch.

“Hey.” She said, with her usual amount of enthusiasm and care.

“Hey.” Rick said, but he couldn’t even fake a tiny amount of enthusiasm himself.

“What’s wrong?” She asked.

Rick put his head in his hands and groaned. Beth waited patiently for him to talk.

“I did something I shouldn’t have done.” he said.

“What did you do?”

Rick sighed. It was almost awkward talking to her about this, but he needed a confidant, and Beth was it.

“We slept together last night.” Rick couldn’t believe it hadn’t even been 24 hours. It felt like a lifetime ago. “It just happened.”

“And that’s…bad?” Beth asked. “I mean…”

“Yeah it’s bad.” Rick said. “It’s bad. I told him a bit of time ago that I wasn’t his Rick. Somehow I convinced him and he believed me.”

Beth seemed put off that Rick had ended up telling Negan after all, but she didn’t let on too much.

“Then it was just like there was all this tension in the house.” Rick said. “And now I really messed him up. And now he doesn’t want us together. And maybe that wouldn’t be so bad if Dale wasn’t letting on that there’s some sort of stakes in this.”

“What do you mean?” Beth asked.

Rick wrung his fingers through his hair. “Dale made it seem like I really needed to think about my feelings for Negan. Almost like if I didn’t fall in love with him something would happen. Something bad. What did he tell you about you coming here?”

“He just said that there were forces in the universe that needed me to be here, and me and the Other Beth’s timelines just matched up right for it to happen.”

Rick gave a deep breath. “Yeah, yeah. And Dale brought you here?”

“Well, sort of. But it wasn’t him. It was…something else. Dale’s just here to help in the transition.”

Rick blinked. “I…I don’t think that happened to me. I think  _ Dale _ brought me here. Nothing else. I think he brought me here on his own accord.”

“What? Really?”

“Yeah.” Rick said. “I think me and the Other Rick’s timelines matched up and he took the matter into his own hands. Without the permission of whatever-it-is.”

Beth let out a small laugh. “You don’t really think that he would do that, do you?”

“I do. It makes the most sense. Dale wanted me here, but that doesn’t mean it was supposed to happen. Or work out. And something’s going to happen to me because Dale messed up this world, and now he’s trying to make it right before I get…punished for it or something.”

“You mean like, the universe is going to right itself?” Beth asked.

Rick nodded. “Yeah. That’s probably why Dale was pushing so hard for me to fall in love with Negan, because if I do, then boom. Problems solved. I take the Other Rick’s place like he never left, the world rights itself, like you said. Only issue is that in the world we come from, Negan is a monster. I guess Dale didn’t count on that. He just did it without thinking.”

“He probably had good intentions.” Beth said.

“Maybe he did.” Rick said, but there was anger in his throat now. “I’m on some kind of timeline, I can feel it. Like an hourglass running out of sand. Maybe that force in the universe is giving Dale a window, and if I don’t fix this before the window shuts, we’re both gonna be in some serious trouble.”

“This is…a lot…” Beth said. “I don’t know why Dale would go on his own…”

“Cause he always thought he knew what was best.” Rick said.

Beth looked down at her feet and sighed.

“I don’t want you to go.” She said. “ _ I _ need you. Isn’t that enough?”

“It is for me.” Rick said. “But not for the whatever-it-is.”

“So all you need to do is fall in love with Negan…” Beth murmured.

“Well,” Rick said, “That’s what I think anyway.”

“Ok well, you already slept with him. Maybe there’s something in him you could love…”

Rick let out an exasperated laugh. “Look, even if I liked him, I’m fucked. He doesn’t want anything to do with me after what we did. It completely destroyed him. He’s even going to be coaching now during his sabbatical and I can only imagine the motivation is to avoid being around me.”

Beth gave him a curious look.

“What?” He asked.

“You like him, don’t you.” She said.

“I…” The question caught him off guard, or rather, the statement.

“You like him.” She repeated.

“I…well yeah I  _ like  _ him, he’s surprisingly good with the kids, he’s kind, his asshat-edness is at least a little funnier in this world. He’s got charm. It’s fun to go back and forth sometimes…He’d be a good friend, I guess. I could have seen us working pretty well together in our world had he not been a psycho.”

“Rick…you know that’s not what I meant.” Beth said. “It’s okay. It’s okay to like him.”

Rick gave a deep sigh. “But it’s not.”

“Why?”

“If you knew him the way I knew him, you would understand how messed up it is.”

“They’re not the same.” Beth said. “They’re not the same as we knew them. Yeah they look the same, and they’ve had the same things happen to them, but there’s something else in them. Something different. Daryl is just like how we knew him, but not completely. There’s something new there, something new in everyone I used to know that’s made being here almost fun. Because I get to fall in love with these people all over again, and some of them for different reasons.”

Rick thought about that. He knew she was right. They weren’t the same. It wasn’t like getting feelings for the Other Negan. It was different. But it was just so hard to shake the thought of what everyone would think. What Michonne would think. What Rosita would think. What Abraham would think.  _ What Glenn would think _ .

“I just feel like I let them all down.” Rick said. “And every day I let the animosity towards him fade, I’m letting them down even more.”

“Rick.” Beth said. “Take it from a dead girl you couldn’t save, you didn’t let me down. Daryl didn’t let me down. You’re not responsible for our lives. We made our own choices; we made some of them together. Some of them worked out, some of them didn’t. But that’s not your burden to bear. I wanted you all to carry the memory of me, but not like that. I know Glenn, and he wouldn’t want you to carry him that way either. Keep them in your heart, not on your back.”

Rick closed his eyes. She was right. He didn’t know when she got so wise, but fuck, she was right.

“Beth…what was the Other Rick like?” He asked.

She smiled. “He was a lot like you. Although I have to admit, it was hard to look at him and imagine that he could be who you are now.”

“It had to have been in him.” Rick said.

“Yeah, it probably was.”

“But I’m not soft like that anymore.” Rick said. “The Rick Negan loved isn’t me. That’s just it.”

“Maybe he could fall in love with you all over again. The way my family in this world has with me.” Beth said. “And then you wouldn’t have to worry about that hourglass.”

“There was probably a chance for that.” Rick said. “But like I said, he doesn’t want anything to do with me now. If I had a different face, different eyes, maybe. But I’m just one big painful living reminder of all the things he’s lost.”

Before Beth could respond, although Rick wasn’t sure how she would, Carl was running out the front door.

“ _ Dad! _ ” He shouted.

Rick and Beth jumped up.

“What is it?” Rick asked.

“I think you left the oven on, there’s smoke in the kitchen.”

“Can you watch Judith?” Rick asked Beth, she nodded.

Rick and Carl ran back inside. There was smoke trailing out of the kitchen, and when Rick ran in, he discovered that the oven had been left on, and Rick had been stupid enough to leave a spare tray in there.

“Fuck!” He cried, turning off the oven. “Go open the windows in the house.” He told Carl.

Carl disappeared. Rick pulled the tray out of the oven and set it on the stove next to the now empty mac n cheese tray. He heard a commotion behind him.

“Carl did you-

“What the fuck is going on here!?” It was Negan, back from his meeting.

Rick pulled the oven mitt off his hand and walked over to the kitchen windows.

“Just an accident.” Rick mumbled.

“An accident!?” Negan shouted.

Rick opened the windows and looked up at the smoke detector, he started to try and jump up to turn it off, but he couldn’t reach it. Negan gave a loud groan, walked over, stood on his toes, and turned it off. He coughed into his sleeve and waved his hand as the smoke rose out of the room.

“What the fuck?!” He shouted.

“I’m sorry!” Rick yelled.

“What did you do!?”

“I left a tray in the oven. I left it on.” Rick said.

“Jesus fucking Christ.” Negan said, grabbing a towel and waving it around the room. “Hey when are you gonna stop fucking shit up huh?”

Rick didn’t know what to say.

“I mean fuck Grimes.” Negan said. “I have to do this coaching thing-

“Have to? Or want to?” Rick asked.

“What the fuck does that mean?” Negan asked.

Rick stopped. What did it mean?

“Just…stop fucking up my life ok?” Negan said. “And don’t set the fucking house on fucking fire. God.”

“I’m sorry.” Rick said through gritted teeth.

“Yeah, yeah.” Negan said, rolling his eyes. “Just go open the windows in the living room.”

Rick walked swiftly out of the kitchen and opened the rest of the windows. There was a burnt smell in the house that made Rick feel sick. And now he had just given Negan another reason to hate him. Or at the very least, be annoyed with him.

“Jesus Grimes.” Negan started, walking out of the kitchen. “Just don’t do dumb fucking shit.”

Rick turned around and looked at Negan, who had put on glasses sometime since Rick went to open the living room windows. It wasn’t anything new, it was just that this time Rick noticed the way they looked on him. They were solid square black frames, and they softened Negan’s face. Rick looked away.

Negan sighed, seeming remorseful.

“Look, when I stop wheezing, remind me to apologize for flipping shit on you.” Negan said, and he walked out the front door.

Rick stood in the living room, all the smoke had cleared, and it had left him standing exposed in his revelation that his feelings for Negan were very complicated. He didn’t know how it happened, or why it happened, or even when it happened. All he knew was that he found that Beth was right. He did like him. Somehow, somewhere down the line, Rick had developed feelings for the man. And maybe it was fucked up. But it was the truth.

Rick thought about his hourglass theory. If he was right, which he was pretty sure he was, then falling for Negan would have been exactly the thing to stop the sand from emptying. But there was a hitch. Negan hated him now. And if he didn’t hate him, he resented him. Rick had been so adamant that he wouldn’t end up liking Negan that it never occurred to him that Negan might end up not liking  _ him _ .

Rick looked out the window and watched as Negan took Judith from Beth. She peered inside and caught his eyes through the window, giving a sympathetic wave. Rick waved back and watched her leave. He looked at Negan on the porch, who had sat down with Judith and was making her laugh. It made his heart ache. He didn’t belong here. He wasn’t supposed to see any of this. He was never supposed to live in a world where Negan was good and kind and funny and…

It was just never supposed to happen like this. Rick was supposed to die at Negan’s hands. Timing be damned. Dale went against something, something powerful. And Rick needed to find out what was going to happen to him now that things weren’t working out. He had to talk to Dale and force the answers out of him by any means necessary. If anything he could at least punch the man for dragging him here.

Rick could feel the distance between him and Negan growing by the second. Rick thought about his dream. The one where he was by the entrance to the field, the shadows in the distance, the magnetic pull of a hand on his back, keeping him tethered to his new life. The magnetic pull of Negan. Yeah. He could say goodbye to that.

That night Rick got into bed, Negan joining him a little while later. He could feel Negan’s body heat under the covers, ready to provide comfort but not willing to give it. Rick didn’t know how long he’d be alone, or how many opportunities for love would be ripped away from him. He couldn’t even fight the ridiculousness of his situation. He could only accept it. His feelings for Negan were growing, getting warmer, until he could feel pressure in his heart. And it just felt so awkward, being so close after what they had done the night before.

“Did you stop wheezing?” Rick asked, breaking a silence that made sense for it being time to sleep but still felt too manmade.

“Hm?”

“Did you…stop wheezing.” Rick repeated.

“Oh. Yeah.” Negan said, turning around to face Rick. “Yeah. Sorry for freaking out at you.”

“I didn’t mean to do it.” Rick said, and he desperately wanted to add “any of it” to the end of that sentence.

“I know Grimes, I know.” Negan said. “I’ve done shit like that before. I was just on edge.”

“I’m sorry for fucking up your life.” Rick said quietly.

“Well, we don’t really have to worry about that for much longer.” Negan said.

And the words felt like a dagger in Ricks’ heart. Even though he knew Negan thought that Rick wanted this too. But he didn’t. Not anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all your comments on my last chapter ❤ Your support means so much to me ❤  
> Also we reached 50k! I could see this fic getting to 100k lol (which means you're still in for a ride, and hopefully you're okay with that)


	16. Tee-Ball

The following week Negan was gone during the day for coaching. Not as much as he would be had he been teaching, but enough that Rick could feel what it was like to be without his presence. It was a feeling a different version of himself would have reveled in, but there was something in the air when Negan was around. And when he was gone, that something left. Rick thought maybe it was the air itself, and it left the room behind Negan, leaving Rick to suffocate.

Dealing with these new feelings was something Rick couldn't wrap his head around. They were just so foreign. There was no time for this sort of shit in his world. And even when he was pining after someone, the feelings certainly weren't all consuming. There were more important things going on than that. But now? Now there was just quiet weekdays, Judith in school, Carl busy preparing for college, and Rick, retired with nothing else stressful enough to deal with than his own feelings.

Well, except for his 'terms and conditions'. Which seemed to have a lot to do with his feelings, come to think of it.

It was time to talk to Dale.

Rick took a walk to the unclaimed hill, and noticed that for once, the plastic chairs weren't there. When he saw that they were missing, he sprinted the rest of the way, stopping when he got to the patch of grass where they used to sit.

Of course.

"Dale?" Rick called, but there was no answer. And when Rick thought about it, he realized he didn't even know where the man lived. He probably didn't live anywhere.

"You can't run away from me!" Rick called again. But of course, nothing.

He took a seat on the grass, lying back to catch his breath. He closed his eyes and waited, and didn't realize he had fallen asleep until he opened his eyes.

He was at Hershel's again, standing by the entrance to the field, only this time he didn't feel a magnetic pull stopping him from going past the wooden posts.

When he stepped over the invisible line separating the field from the rest of the world, the sky turned dark, just as it had in his previous dreams. There was that not-quite-full moon in the sky, and more stars than Rick thought possible. And up ahead was Dale.

" _Dale_." Rick said, walking over.

"You shouldn't be in here." He said.

"Dale you have to talk to me."

Dale looked at Rick with sad and serious eyes.

"Tell me what you did Dale." Rick said, and he thought he saw some shadows out of his peripheral.

Dale gave a deep sigh. "I did what I thought was best."

"You pulled me here, _you_ , not whatever-it-is that's actually in charge of all of this this. You did." Rick said.

Dale nodded.

"Why would you do that?" Rick asked, anger rising in his voice.

"Because I still believe that the world needs Rick Grimes." Dale said. "And I know others have shared that sentiment."

Dale turned to look into the distance, towards the edge of the field. Rick followed his glance, noticing a large shadow standing by itself. Rick thought it felt familiar.

"The only reason I'm here...is because it just worked out that way? Because the timing was right for the both of us?" Rick asked.

"Yes, does it have to be any more special than that?" Dale asked.

Rick blinked, and was silent for a moment before asking, "Did you really think this would work?"

"I didn't know if it would, but I thought it could, so that's why I did it." Dale said. "I saw a man who had tried so hard in life that was about to lose everything, and it didn't seem fair."

"Are you...are you talking about me or Negan?" Rick asked.

"Both." Dale said.

"And you just thought I'd love him?" Rick asked. "Just like that?"

"Maybe not just like that." Dale said. "But eventually. And I was right, wasn't I?"

"I don't...I don't love him." Rick said.

"But you're getting there." And before Rick could protest, Dale held up a hand. "I guess that's not important now."

"No it's not." Rick said. "Because your plan backfired. Maybe I could love him, but he can't love me. He won't."

Dale was silent. Rick saw the shadows drawing closer.

"Dale. What's going to happen to me?"

There was silence again.

" _You have to tell me_." Rick pleaded.

"What's going to happen," Dale started, "Is that we're going to run out of time."

"And then what?"

"And then you'll be removed from this world."

Rick wrung his hands together. "Wh-what does that _mean_?"

"It means you'll die again." Dale said. "This world wasn't supposed to have Rick Grimes, and now it does. Only things are wrong. And it's going to make them right."

Rick froze.

"Unless you can prove you're supposed to be here, that's what will happen. The world will fix itself."

"How could you do this to me? How could you put me through this? How could you put his family through this?" Rick asked.

"Rick, I'm sorry."

Rick closed his eyes. "So what do we do about this?"

Dale sighed. "All I can think is that our only chance is putting the world back the way it would have been. Beth was supposed to come here, she fit right in, she had a purpose here. It was like she never left. You need it to be like you never left. The world had Rick engaged to Negan, so that's what needs to happen."

"There's no scenario where we just split up amicably and make our family work?" Rick asked.

"If I was in charge? Yes. But I'm not. We're dealing with something that, and excuse my phrasing, works in mysterious ways."

Rick groaned. "You're shitting me."

"I wish I was." Dale said.

"Ok," Rick said, thinking for a moment, "Ok...so all I need is for Negan to fall in love with me. That should be...just about the hardest thing I've ever fucking done."

Rick kneeled down and sighed, trying to think of a game plan.

"How much time do I have?" He asked.

"I don't know." Dale said. "I really don't."

"Great." Rick muttered. "Do you know how this thing is gonna kill me?"

"No."

"Great."

"I shouldn't have pulled you here. It was wrong, but it felt right." Dale said. "It felt like there was more to it."

"It always feels that way." Rick said. "It wants to be that way. But sometimes it just isn't."

"This is our chance to make it so that it is."

Rick looked up at him, and wondered if Dale could be right, if his death could have a grander meaning than that it just fucking happened. He hoped it could be true. He wanted it to be true. But as of now, it wasn't. Rick had no purpose in the world he found himself in. He wasn't supposed to be there, he wasn't wanted there, and it was starting to look like it would have been better if he had never been dragged there. Somehow Rick had to prove this thing wrong; he had to show that he was meant to be in this world. And the way to do that was to have Negan agree with that.

Negan had to need him there, and want him there. Then Rick could stay. It would be a rough fix, but it would be a fix.

"I don't know why I'm holding on." Rick murmured. "Maybe it would just be easier to join the rest of these shadows. Maybe it would be better that way."

" _Don't be a dumbass_."

Rick looked up, but it wasn't Dale's voice. It was a voice behind him. A shadow standing close and near. Rick felt his stomach drop, heard the words reverberate in his ears; the sound of the voice was so distinct and unique. And because of it, it was like Rick had never even spent time with the Other Glenn.

He stood up slowly and turned around, but there was no one there.

" _Glenn_?" Rick called, and suddenly he felt a wave of fear from all his conflicted feelings. He had figured the shadows in the field were his friends and family, but knowing they were actually aware of the situation made him feel ashamed. "This was never my intention..."

"Yeah, whatever." The voice said, and suddenly Rick felt a hand pushing on his back "Yeehaw. You're still a dumbass."

And then Rick was shoved past the posts, and the sun returned to the sky. Rick rolled in the grass and closed his eyes, and when he opened them he was awake, lying on his back on the hill.

"Whoa Rick, what are you doing up there?" A voice called.

Rick sat upright and looked down at Glenn, who was standing on the sidewalk. It was only now that Rick realized their voices were different. Extremely similar, but just different enough that Rick could tell. And then he thought about Judith's eyes, how she was his in this life, and he realized that maybe everyone had something slightly off about them.

But he didn't know what was different about Negan.

"I was just...resting." Rick said.

"Isn't the ground cold?" Glenn asked.

"Yeah I guess it is a little bit."

Glenn shook his head. "You're such a dumbass sometimes."

Rick smiled and watched Glenn walk away. But it wasn't long before that smile faded. His Glenn had pushed him back into the world of the living, that had to mean something. Still, the feelings of shame and guilt were quickly eating Rick alive, like a goddamn horde of walkers. He got up and walked back to the house. Inside he took notice of the photo albums on the shelf by the TV.

He sat down on the couch, the photo albums now resting by his side, and he began to look through them. He paused again when he came to the photo of the Other Rick and Negan standing in front of the ocean. The water looked unnaturally blue, oversaturated, like it wasn't water at all, and it reminded Rick of something, but he couldn't figure out what it was. And they just looked so happy. Standing by the waves. God, _what did that water look like_? Rick didn't even recognize that much happiness on himself. But it wasn't on himself, was it?

And as he flipped through, he felt an ache in his heart, and he realized he was craving these memories. Because there was something about this Negan that was just different. Something that had taken a hold of Rick and refused to let go. What was it? Was it the sly rabbit toothed smile? The eyes that were definitely brown but maybe a little bit green? Or was it something on the inside, something that was dragged out of Rick's Negan from all the hardships, something he wouldn't have seen before?

He flipped through the pages and found a handful of Polaroids. Glenn must have taken them at some point. It looked like summer and the Other Rick was lying next to Negan in the grass, squinting at the sun and the camera flash. He realized that they were in the neighborhood and there was a barbecue going on, and they were lying on that little unclaimed hill.

Goddamn son of a bitch.

Negan looked like an entirely different person in the Polaroids, like he was out of an old movie, the rugged lead who had some poor girl's heart. There was one of him smiling, rabbit teeth and all, nose crinkled, eyes just barely making contact with Glenn's camera lens. Rick didn't even have a thought going through his mind when he found himself stuffing the small photo in his back pocket.  

Rick closed the photo album and walked upstairs to their bedroom to investigate more of the family photos. On the dresser were a few frames, holding pictures of Lori and Lucille, and the Other Rick and Negan. He looked at Lori and felt something deep and guttural trying to escape his throat, but he just swallowed and held on. He was happy the Other Rick had a healthy relationship with her, but he didn’t blame his Lori for any of it. Next to one of the frames was an engagement ring. The Other Rick's. Rick hadn't been wearing it during the coma; it had been resting on the dresser the whole time. He picked it up and looked at it, a brassy gold band with no more use.

He slipped it on and found that it fit perfectly, but, why wouldn't it? He stared at his left hand, watched the light glint off the shiny metal, and he wasn't sure how long he had been looking. He finally looked up to find something else shiny catching his eye, something on Negan's nightstand. When he walked over, he discovered that it was Negan's engagement ring. He had taken it off.

There was something devastating about that.

Rick pulled the ring off his finger and put it back on the dresser, eyes still finding their way to Negan's ring. He almost couldn't believe what he was looking at. Why would Negan take it off? It was simple. Because they weren't engaged anymore. And maybe Rick had caused him so much pain that he just wanted to move on. Somehow Rick needed to get both those rings back on their fingers.

Rick looked into the corner at a small armchair, Negan's leather jacket was draped across it. He walked over slowly, hesitating, before picking it up and slipping it on.

The leather shuffled and crinkled when he moved his arms, and he walked over to the bathroom and looked into the mirror.

The jacket was slightly too large. He zipped it up and stared at his reflection. He almost didn't recognize himself. His eyes scanned the black material, the silver zippers, the belt...what the fuck was he doing?

Suddenly Rick's cell phone was ringing in his pocket, and he took it out and read the name.

Negan.

"Hello?" Rick asked into the phone, feeling like he just got caught doing or thinking something he shouldn't be.  

"Hey." Negan's voice said on the other end. "Look, I left some documents in my office that I meant to bring with me today, would you be able to drop them off to me?"

"Oh, uh, sure." Rick said.

"And I also forgot my jacket, do you think you could bring that too?"

"Y-yeah." Rick said quickly, staring at his reflection, caught red handed.

"Great. I'll text you what those documents look like."

Before Rick could respond, Negan had hung up and was texting him. He unzipped the jacket fast, like his life depended on it, and shuffled it off, trying to let the shame inside him slide off too. He found the documents and headed to the school. Negan had also given him directions to the gym office. He pulled into the school parking lot and walked inside.

The hallways were quiet, and Rick was walking to the gym when he saw somebody familiar standing in a classroom.

"Jessie?"

A woman with blonde hair turned around and smiled at Rick, she was wearing a paint covered apron and had her hair tied back. There were a few students in the back of the art room, working on some sculptures.

"Rick, hi." She said, walking over and giving him a one armed hug, the other holding a paintbrush. It was odd, feeling her arm around him when the last thing he remembered was chopping it off.

"You teach art." Rick said, although he didn't know why he was surprised.

"Yup." Jessie said, giving him an odd look but not saying anything. "You here to see Negan?"

"Yeah." Rick said.

"You know it's great that Carl is gonna be going to school with Ron soon, maybe they can become friends." She said. "But I have my doubts."

Rick smirked. "Well, stranger things have happened."

"Let me know if you need anything." She said, her voice soft.

Rick said goodbye and walked out of the classroom. But he didn't feel any sort of thing for Jessie. He hadn't in a long time. He thought about Michonne, _his_ Michonne, living without him, taking care of his children. He stopped in the hallway, his shoes squeaking on the linoleum floor. The picture in his back pocket suddenly felt like it was on fire, like maybe the Polaroid would leak that supposedly toxic chemical and it would seep into Rick's veins. A mix of poison and shame.

But he thought about Glenn's push. It had to mean something. This all had to mean something. Even the ridiculously complicated feelings that were growing inside Rick's heart, like an even darker and more tempting Garden of Eden, had to mean _something_.

He kept walking until he got to the gym, and he was about to step into the office when he heard Negan talking to someone.

"You have to stop." He laughed. "You're gonna make me piss myself."

"I'm just speaking the truth." It was a woman's voice, deep and smooth, and maybe a little sly.

"So what does that mean, should I expect a 'peach' emoji then?" Negan's voice said.

"I don't know." The woman said. "Wouldn't that be 'inappropriate' behavior?"

"Well fuck, now that you've gone and told me what it is, yeah, I guess it would be."

There was a brief silence.

"So...things still complicated?" She asked.

There was a sigh from Negan. "Not really. In fact, things are getting pretty fucking simple."

"Oh really?"

"Yeah, really."

"Mmm..."

Rick didn't know what the fuck was going on, but he knew enough to know that now was a good time to interrupt. He walked through the doorway.

"Rick, there you are." Negan said casually, as though he wasn't just flirting with the woman standing next to him.

She had a buzzcut and a pretty face, but Rick didn't like her already.

"Yeah." Rick said in a slow drawl, making eye contact with the woman.

"This is Alison, but we all just call her Alpha." Negan said, and there was the beginnings of a warm smile on his face that made Rick feel almost angry.

"Hi." Rick said curtly. "Are these the papers?"

Negan took the documents from Rick. "Sure as shit are, thanks."

Rick stood in the awkward silence for a moment.

“Can I have my jacket?” Negan asked, pointing to the folded up jacket draped across Rick’s arm.

“Yeah of course.” Rick said, handing it over. There was another awkward pause.

"Isn't it time to pick up Judith?" Negan asked.

"Oh," Rick said, looking at the clock on the wall, "Y-yeah."

"Well hop to it hotshot." Negan said.

Rick found himself hesitating. "I...I'll guess I'll see you later."

"Yeah..."

"Nice meeting you." Alpha said, an oddly sympathetic look on her face. But he had a feeling it was directed towards Negan.

"You too." Rick said, and he turned around and walked away. He felt his throat closing up, feeling raw and hoarse the way it would before you cry. He made a beeline to one of the school's bathrooms and locked himself in a stall. He slammed his back against the stall door and closed his eyes. Negan hadn't even said _goodbye_ to him. He didn't say goodbye to him on the phone either. It was like Negan wasn't even pretending to like him anymore. Which, Rick figured, he wasn't.

It was over. Negan was clearly interested in Alpha, and Alpha was clearly interested in him. And it made Rick's skin burst into flames.

He exited the stall and left the school, feeling like he could hear Negan's laughter trailing behind him, though he knew he couldn't. Still, he could almost imagine the Other Negan taunting him from his other life.

_"You really thought you had a fucking shot with me? Shit. That's cute. Ricky Grimes hard as fuck for little ol' me. Shit. Don't ya know, pard-ner, I’m wayyy out of your fuckin' league. I think I made that clear when I knocked your head clear out of the ball park. I'm major leagues babe. You're fuckin' tee-ball."_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked this chapter <3 And so the unrequited love begins...>:3c


	17. Major Leagues

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long wait!! I love this chapter, I hope you do too! I think it's the longest one yet  
> :3c

Rick closed his eyes, hands gripping the steering wheel, head down. He was in the parking lot of the kindergarten, waiting for school to let out. There was a knock on his passenger side window that made him jump.

It was Shane.

Rick unlocked the car and Shane stepped inside and sat down.

"Hey buddy. Long time no see."

"Yeah." Rick said.

"We still want to have that retirement party for you." Shane said.

"Oh," Rick smiled, "Well, shit, sure."

"Yeah? Cause we're ready to organize it."

"Yeah yeah, organize it." Rick said.

There was a brief silence.

"How are things with the ol ball and chain?" Shane asked, a grin trying to escape his face.

Rick huffed an embarrassed laugh at his words, "Uhh, fine. Fine."

"Oh yea? That's great."

Rick cleared his throat.

"Look I know things...haven't really been the same since...well I mean, you know, but, I miss our friendship. I do." Shane said.

"The coma has just been hard." Rick said. "I'm sorry if I've been different and distant since I woke up, I miss our friendship too."

Rick thought about how close the Other Rick and Shane must have been, still partners and friends.

"Well I mean, even before the coma..." Shane mumbled. "I guess sometimes I just feel like you getting shot was my fault. Like maybe my bullshit distracted you. I shouldn't have brought it up again and I'm sorry."

Rick furrowed his brow, eyes glancing back and forth out the windshield. "Wait...what?"

"I should have just let it go is all. It wasn't fair to you to make you uncomfortable like that, especially when we were okay again and you've been with Negan for years now."

"I'm sorry Shane can you...I don't want to interrupt but I'm really lost right now."

Shane looked up at him questioningly.

"What..." Rick started. "...are you talking about?"

"You're gonna make me say it again?" Shane asked.

"Look man, I really...I got amnesia on this one."

Shane took out a toothpick and put it in his mouth, looking out the window like he wanted to escape out of it.

"What, you don't remember when I told you I loved you?"  

If Rick had been walking he would have stopped dead in his tracks. But he was sitting, so he just widened his eyes and stared at his best friend. Rick tried to think back, but it was pointless. The Shane he knew didn't love him; the Shane he knew loved Lori. In this world, things were reversed. Or maybe he did love him in his world too. He tried to imagine a life where he and Shane had been able to talk about their feelings towards men and women. Rick had never mentioned it. He had been convinced it wouldn't have gone over well, but here Shane was, confessing his love to him for what was apparently the third time.  

"I..."

"The first time was shortly after Lori died, when I was around helping you with Judith. You didn't know what to say. It wasn't right to bring it up then. The second time was a few weeks before you got shot. I told you that four years later things were still the fucking same. I think it fucked you up a little bit. I think it might have been distracting for you, working together after me bringing it up again. That's why I feel responsible for what happened to you."

Rick still didn't know what to say. Could Shane's confession really have been the thing to get the Other Rick killed? How would Shane have gone on if Rick hadn't been pulled here? He would have spent his entire life thinking he indirectly caused his best friend to die. That had to mean something right? Why couldn't that be the almighty reason for Rick to stay?

"You didn't distract me." Rick said.

"What?"

"You didn't distract me. I was fine. What happened was just bad luck. It had nothing to do with what you told me." Rick said. He had no idea if that was true or not. But he thought about himself, and it would be true if he had experienced that. So he hoped it was true for the Other Rick.

"Really?"

"Yeah, really." Rick said.

"Cause it's just. I don't even know if I still feel that way anymore. I think I might be moving past it. I just really miss our friendship." Shane said.

Rick held his breath; he knew the feeling of letting feelings for people dissipate, like how he had to do with Michonne. And to think Shane had experienced what Rick was feeling now, only for him. He knew how hard that must have been.

"I miss you too." Rick said, and he pulled Shane into a hug.

"Are you really okay these days?" Shane asked while they were embracing.

"Yeah, I am." Rick lied.

"Good."

They pulled away.

"What are you doing here anyway?" Rick asked.

"Someone got rear ended over there." Shane said, pointing across the parking lot. "You know, all that stupid bullshit we used to hate dealing with."

Rick laughed. "Yeah."

"How's retirement?"

"It's...boring." Rick smiled.

"You've seen enough action for one lifetime." Shane said.

"Mm. Make it two." Rick said.

They heard the school bell ring, said goodbye, and parted ways. Rick still couldn't believe what Shane had told him. But he was glad they were okay. He wondered if Shane's feelings had faded because he was a different Rick. Then again, they hadn't spent all that much time together since he woke up. He watched as Judith walked out of the kindergarten, looking around for him. When she spotted him, the look on her face made Rick's heart melt and ache at the same time. She ran into his arms like she always did. He hugged her, and didn't know how he was going to leave her. Wasn't this enough? Couldn't the whatever-it-is in charge just give him a free pass for his kids' sake?

He took Judith home and she ran to the couch to watch some Netflix. Rick almost didn't see Carl sitting on the steps.

"Oh, hey." Rick said.

"Hey." Carl sighed, looking at his phone.

"Something wrong?"

"Just...Enid." Carl mumbled.

Rick sat down next to Carl on the steps. "What's going on?"

It was like Rick had opened up the floodgates, because Carl started spilling out words faster than he had ever seen before.

" _It's just Enid is already at college and she's been there for a semester now and she's there now before the next semester and she's been posting all these photos on her instagram which is fine but there's this guy in a lot of them and I don't know who he is I think he's older and they seem like they really like each other and I just feel like because I'm not there she's moving on and she's going to realize she doesn't want to be with me after all and he leaves emojis on all her posts and she actually replies and I get that they might just be friends but I'm not there and it just makes me worried..."_

"Whoa whoa whoa." Rick said. "Slow down."

"I just want to be there already." Carl said. "I know I'm going in a few days but..."

"Enid is with you. That means she likes _you_ , not this other guy. She's been travelling back on the weekends to spend time with her family and _you_. She wouldn't do that if she didn't love you. You think she's coming back just to hang with her parents?"

"I guess you're right." Carl said.

"Have a little faith in your relationship." Rick said. But faith was something pretty lacking lately.

"Yeah..." Carl said. "Yeah."

"It's only a few more days." Rick said.

"You're not really going to give Judith my room are you?"

"What?" Rick laughed. "Who told you that?"

"Negan. I figured he was joking but..."

"No, your room will still be yours." Rick smiled.

"Okay good." Carl said.

Rick watched him get up and walk into the kitchen. He sighed, it seemed like everyone was having problems with love. Rick still felt like his situation took first place in the Bullshit Fuckery contest thought. Hell, he could imagine Negan coming up with that title.

Rick was still sitting on the stairs when Negan came home. He was on the phone laughing.

"Just tell me when and where." He said, grinning.

Rick felt frozen to the step, listening to Negan talk, listen, talk.

"Yeah we'll blow the budget on ping pong tables."

"What I love ping pong! Don't you think there could be a competition team?"

"Shut up. It would be great."

"Jeez they trying to replace me with another foul mouthed gym teacher or something?"

"I'm just talking about job security. If you're gonna get in the way of my job..."

"Mmm, yeah, maybe."

Negan locked eyes with Rick.

"I'll see you tomorrow. Bye."

They stared at each other.

"Hey." Negan said.

"Hey."

"Did you pick up Judith?" He asked.

Rick pointed to the couch where Judith was currently sitting.

"Oh." Negan said.

"Who were you on the phone with?" Rick asked, trying to be nonchalant even though he knew the answer.

"Alpha, or, Alison, you know, the woman I was with today." Negan said, he also sounded like he was trying to be nonchalant. "We're probably going to meet up one of these days to get equipment and uniforms and stuff, we just got the funds."

"Oh." Rick said.

That was close to the end of their conversation for the day. The next few days went by with Rick hardly noticing, he was so nervous about his impending fate that he didn't even notice it was already time to take Carl to college.

Rick realized that over the past few days the closest he and Negan got was sleeping in their bed and sitting next to each other in the car. Negan was at the wheel of Lucille, Judith was at Maggie and Glenn's, and Carl was in the backseat with the remainder of his stuff.

"Kid if you weren't a fuckin' committer you'd be getting some serious ass at this place." Negan said when they were pulling into the campus.

Carl started to laugh.

"Don't..." Rick said. "Don't talk to him like that."

"Jeeze Dad chill out." Carl said.

"Yeah 'Dad' chill out." Negan repeated, throwing an evil rabbit toothed grin Rick's way.

"I just don't think that kind of language is appropriate." Rick mumbled.

Negan cackled. "The kid is 18; I think he can handle it."

Rick settled back in his seat, one of the hardest things was that Carl was several years older than _his_ Carl, and sometimes he forgot. Still, he couldn't imagine he and Lori talking that way in front of their son, at any age. They parked and walked Carl to his dorm room.

"This is the last we'll see it clean." Rick said.

"Remember," Negan began, "Empty the lint from the dryer, unless you want to fucking blow up your school, then don't empty it."

"Yeah I know." Carl said.

"And don't forget to use detergent, and dilute the fabric softener with water first." Rick said.

"Yeah." Carl said.

"And don't let your clothes dry all the way or they'll shrink." Negan said.

"And don't forget to wear your retainer." Rick added.

"And don't eat Taco Bell and fucking doritos every night." Said Negan.

"And don't spend too much of your money on-

"OKAY GUYS JESUS!" Carl yelled. "I got it okay? I'll be fine. You two don't have to worry about me so much _God_."

Rick glanced over at Negan, who was glancing back at him, they both laughed sheepishly.

"Ok." Rick said, finding it hard to break away from Negan's eye contact and soft smile. Maybe things could work.

"Have some faith in me." Carl said, "Remember?"

"Yeah." Rick said. "You're right. And I do."

Now if only he could have some faith in Negan.

They said goodbye to Carl, which Rick had to admit, was pretty hard. Rick and Negan walked through the campus in silence, leaves crunching under their feet.

"He'll be fine." Negan said. "I'm sure he handled worse in your world."

Rick snorted. "You tried to get me to cut his arm off, so yeah. He did."

Negan let out a low whistle. "Shit. Really?"

"Yeah. But he was just seeing if I'd do it."

"He?"

"Oh. You." Rick said, correcting himself. "But it's not really you, is it?"

"I don't know. You tell me."

They stopped and stared at each other, eyes going back and forth.

"No, it's not. You're different." Rick said.

They kept walking. Rick heard the sounds of someone typing on a phone. He looked over and realized it was Negan, texting somebody. He knew who.

Maybe things couldn't work.

Maggie and Glenn had taken Judith to Hershel's to see the animals. When they got there, Negan split off to go find Judith. Rick saw Hershel working in the field, the field from Rick's dreams.

Walking over to Hershel felt strange, he was kneeling on the ground planting, and it felt like Rick was walking into the past. Hershel looked up when Rick approached.

"Rick." He said.

"Hey Hershel." Rick said, "Can I join you?"

"Of course."

Rick sat down on his knees next to Hershel, who immediately put him to work.

"These leaves in the shade won't grow-

"Pinch em off, they can be a whole new plant." Rick interrupted.

Hershel looked at him in mild shock.

"Things break but they can still grow." Rick said.

"Who taught you that?" Hershel asked.

"Oh," Rick said, suppressing a smile, "Just someone I used to know."

"Well, they were wise for teaching you about agriculture." Hershel smiled.

"Yeah, he was wise." Rick said.

"How have you been? I haven't seen you since Halloween. Are you alright?"

Rick sighed. "I'm better than I was but, I don't know. Things aren't the same as they used to be. Between me and him...it's really screwin' with things."

"Love is a garden." Hershel said. "And a garden can't grow with seeds of doubt."

Rick looked at the soil at his knees. "What happens when the garden goes up in flames and burns to nothing?"

"That's the beautiful thing Rick. It can burn down, but if you want it, it can grow back. And it can grow back stronger."

"You're pretty wise yourself." Rick said.

"Well, that comes from one of my interns in the agriculture program at the community college. We had spent all season creating this garden, and it got infected. We had to remove everything. I admit I was frustrated, but she offered that advice, and we all got back to work. That's the new garden over there." Hershel said, pointing to a large section of land that was covered in vegetables. "And I have to say it's far better than our first project."

"I hope you're right." Rick said, and there was something about being in this field and hearing those words that gave him hope.

Rick looked around at the field, he was determined, but it was hard to stay strong when he didn't know when it was going to happen. What did he have? A day? A week? A month? A year? An hour? He couldn't tell, he couldn't feel it. He knew it was coming, but it didn't feel real. But then it would. For a day it would feel real. The next day it wouldn't, like he couldn't feel his death even if he wanted to. The times when he could sent him into a panic.

He saw Negan up ahead, holding hands with Judith. He was far enough that it felt like looking into someone else's life. And considering the field he was standing in, it didn't seem too farfetched. He hated how he felt when he looked at Negan, the longing that felt like it went on forever and didn't end. Wouldn't end. Until he was in his arms. And then he thought about all the times Negan _had_ held him in his arms, when he had been scared. And how he just wanted to be held again, living a perfect life with their perfect kids in their perfect house. And it was all just one big twist of fate. But it wasn't fate. It was Dale.

And fate was pissed.

Rick walked over to meet back up with them, and then they were heading home. The house felt considerably emptier without Carl. He wondered how empty it would feel without himself there. What would happen when he was gone? Would Carl drop out of school?

Then Rick was thinking about all the cons for him dying again. Carl would drop out. Judith would be fucked up having had watched him in a coma only to lose him again. Negan would probably not know what to do as a single parent, and while he may not be upset about 'Grimes', his death might lead to some unhealthy behavior. But none of that mattered. Because the whatever-it-is didn't care about any of that stuff. It just cared about its divine plan. And Rick Zombie Hunter Grimes didn't fit into that. Unless he could get Negan to love him.

Sleeping next to Negan was starting to feel more and more cold, even though Rick was starting to feel more and more warm at the idea of being so close to him. He had a feeling this was going to end soon.

"Hey Grimes." Negan said a few nights later when they were going to sleep.

"Yeah?" Rick asked, a little too eagerly.

"I'm going on an overnight trip for a physical education seminar." He said.

"You...you are?"

"Yeah, is that a fuckin' issue?" Negan asked.

"No..." Rick said, "I just...when?"

"Tomorrow."

"Tomorrow?" Rick asked, turning around to face Negan. "And you didn't tell me until now?"

"Well, it's not like we're married." Negan said sarcastically, turning to face Rick so that they were both staring at each other in the dark.

"We're still a team." Rick said bluntly.

"A fucked up team." Negan replied.

"Still. A team."

"Fine. Sorry. It was kind of unplanned." Negan muttered.

"Why are you going anyway? You're on sabbatical." Rick said, trying not to make it seem too obvious that he was really disappointed. And irritated.

"I want to keep in touch with everyone," Negan said, "And Alpha kind of dragged me into it."

Ah. There it was.

"Alpha?" And Rick couldn't hide his distaste if he tried.

"Jesus Grimes, I gotta get you to sign my fucking permission slip or something?" Negan asked dryly.

"N-no." Rick said. "Whatever."

Negan let out a slow dry laugh. "You have to be shitting me."

"What?"

"Are you fucking jealous or something?"

The question hung in the air for a moment.

"No." Rick said.

"Huh." Negan said. "Sure sounds like it."

"That's cause you're a fucking narcissist." Rick said.

"You know every time you say fuck it's like it's your first time saying it. I'm just gonna say you got that from me."

"Like I said. Narcissist."

Negan gave a huff and turned back around.

"You got a thing for nearly bald women?" Rick asked.

"Well considering that's how my wife looked. Yeah. Maybe I do."

Rick sighed. Shit. Shit fuck. Fuck shit shit fuck fuck.

Yeah.

He got that from Negan.

"Sorry." Rick mumbled.

Rick didn't remember the last time he had this much of a crush on somebody. It was like he was in school again, and he was acting like a child. The thoughts consumed him; it felt like every time he opened his mouth he was going to let out a whine. He just wanted Negan to like him back.

He couldn't even truly process why he liked the man. Well, physically, he was very attractive. That was easy. But the dude was an asshole. Funny. Charismatic. Embarrassing. Sexy. Sweet. But an asshole. Maybe Rick was kind of an asshole too. Maybe Dale was on to something all along. Or maybe whatever breed of asshole Rick was wasn't the kind Negan was into.

Rick had to possess at least _some_ of the qualities the Other Rick had. If this Negan was similar, then surely Rick was too. He just had to make Negan see it.

"It's just gonna be you and me Judy." Rick said Friday morning before Judith got on the bus to school. "And you don't have to take the bus home cause after we're gonna get Mcdonalds."

"But Papa doesn't let us eat that." Judith said.

"Well Papa ain't gonna be around to tell us no." Rick smiled, kneeling down to look in her in the eyes.

"Ok but keep it a secret!" Judith whispered seriously.

"My lips are sealed." Rick said, "But I can still give you a kiss."

He scooped Judith in his arms and kissed her head as she went into a fit of giggles. Negan walked outside to say goodbye to her.

"I'll see you tomorrow night darling!" He said, picking her up and kissing her. Rick could almost pretend that they were all happy together. Why did he have to be so goddamn sweet?

When he set her down Judith ran to Rick again. "Don't tell." She whispered.

"I won't." Rick said, giving her a wink and a smile. She ran off to the bus.

"Don't tell what?" Negan asked.

"Sorry, that's confidential." Rick said, standing up.

"Hm." Was all Negan said.

A few hours later Negan was standing by the door with a duffel bag, waiting for Alpha to pick him up. Rick almost burst into flames when Negan told him he was hitching a ride with Alpha. It didn't make any sense. Obviously they'd stay in the same hotel, which was concerning Rick enough, but now they were driving together? He didn't want to hate her, he didn't know her, but he hated what she was doing to him.

The doorbell rang, and it rang like a death sentence. Alpha outside might as well be the grim reaper, come to collect.

Negan answered the door and said goodbye to Rick, who walked over and stood in the open doorway to watch him go. Alpha gave a polite and short hi, almost like she knew what she was going for and didn't want to stick around long enough to feel guilty about it. Negan stood on the lawn by the driveway as Alpha took his bag to shove into the trunk.

The impulse hit Rick like a train. He didn't know why he did it. Well, he did. But he didn't know why he didn't stop himself. Because next thing he knew he was standing on the porch, calling out Negan's name.

Negan turned to look; even Alpha closed the trunk of her retro station wagon halfway to look at what Rick wanted.

Rick walked down the steps, made sure Alpha _was_ looking, and yes, she was. And then he planted two hands on the sides of Negan's face and kissed him. And no, it wasn't like the Other Rick, he was sure of it, but god, he knew it was good. Fuck, it was good. It had to be. It didn't last long, but Rick knew if he watched it back in slow motion it would have been award worthy. Alpha seemed stunned. Probably because Negan had assured her that he and Rick were done.

"Have a good trip babe." Rick said, and before the angry brown -sometimes green- eyes could pierce daggers into Rick's heart, he had let go and turned to walk back up the porch.

Rick closed the door to the house, heart pounding, and he peeked out the peephole to see what was happening. Negan was still standing there, staring at the door like he could see right through it. Then he was walking over to Alpha, who looked miffed. And he saw Negan talking to her, but couldn't hear. He had a feeling none of that would matter, but hell; it was worth sending the message.

When Rick calmed down, he felt guilty. But he knew Negan had no more confusion about Rick. He had said numerous times that they were different, that they felt different. Still, he wasn't one to kiss someone without warning. But he was desperate. And seeing Alpha just made him want to freak out.

He didn't get any angry texts from Negan, cold shoulder activated, he guessed. That afternoon he focused on Judith, enjoying the day with her. It made his heart ache, everything did, but spending quality time with Judith made him so irrevocably sad. It warmed him, made him happy, but underneath was this bittersweet sadness that this could all be taken away.

Rick had tired her out after their full day, so when he peeked into her room that night, he wasn't surprised to find her looking like a bear in hibernation. He closed her door.

He walked into Negan's office, closed the door and sat down at the laptop to have a skype call with Carl. Carl was doing well. Things with Enid were great. He had actually talked to her about his feelings and they got closer because of it. God, why couldn't that happen with Rick? Why was his 18 year old son and his son's 18 year old girlfriend so much better at this than him? Because it was Friday night, the conversation was short. He ended the call and sighed, sitting back. He felt something in his pocket.

Reaching in the back of his pants, he pulled out the photo he had left in there days ago. It was a good thing he hadn't washed them yet, cause that would have been a hell of a conversation. He looked at the Polaroid of Negan, rabbit toothed smile, nose crinkled, eyes looking just off camera enough to make it a true candid. Still looked like something out of a photoshoot though.

God.

He was.

Something else.

Rick felt his face flushing all of a sudden, and then he thought about how it had been several weeks already since their little romp in the hay. Or however Rick could think of to explain it. There had to be a better way than that, Jesus.

Rick put the picture down, hitting the laptop mouse pad just right that a folder opened on the screen. It was another photo album, only digital. Rick could see the thumbnails, and realized that it was from a beach vacation, only it seemed like it was just the Other Rick and Negan. He clicked on a photo. Because it was just them, there weren't a lot of them together. But the Other Rick sure did like to take photos of his man.

The temperature in his body rose, and he could feel his breathing slowing down, almost to a point where he might have stopped. Negan was in his bathing suit, long torso bare, arms exposed, and of course he had somehow developed a god-like tan. He was wearing aviator sunglasses and was smoking a cigar. He looked out of the 1970s.

He looked too damn fucking good.

Rick's left hand hovered over the mousepad.

The other tried feebly to unbutton his pants.

There was a photo of Negan lying on a lounge chair, entire body in frame, one leg flat on the length of the chair, the other propped up, his torso was turned forward, and he was resting on his arm, the other reaching for his cigar, he was looking out of the frame, a smile on his face, white teeth against tan skin. Rick couldn't believe it when he saw it. It looked like it was professionally shot and setup. It was too ridiculous.

But it was hot as fuck.

Rick got the button undone, and he slid his hand down into his boxers to help what had already started. He closed his eyes when he started to stroke his cock; the feeling was almost too powerful. Being fucked by Negan had been a good release, but he hadn't exactly done any favors for Rick. He had been in an out like it was a crime scene. But now? Now Rick could get just what he needed.

He unzipped his pants the rest of the way and pulled the elastic of his boxers down just enough to free his erection. He exhaled deep and slow, grip tightening as he worked his hand up and down his shaft. When he'd open his eyes, he'd see that picture not-quite-staring at him, and he'd have to shut his eyes again.

Rick threw his head back, legs sliding and spreading out under the desk, the feeling of touching himself overwhelming his entire body. He realized that letting himself get lost in the moment wouldn't end well for Negan's beautiful office, so he quickly grabbed a tissue from a box on the desk.

His eyes scanned the picture again, then closed, then he whimpered, without even realizing it, as his hand slid over the head of his cock. He could just imagine Negan being the one to touch him.

_"You like that baby?"_  He could hear Negan's voice crooning in his head. _"Does it feel good when I touch your cock like that?"_

And he could see the sly satisfied rabbit toothed smile on Negan's face.

Rick could feel his body tensing, his hand gripping tight, stroking faster and faster, Negan's imagined voice saying dirty dirty things in his head. He barely had time to grab the tissue before he gave out, moans low and quiet but a whine in his voice that embarrassed him. His body jerked as he released into the tissue, cum spilling onto his fingers when the tissue wasn't enough.

"Fuck." He breathed.

He grabbed a few more tissues and wrapped up the soaked one, wiping off his fingers in the process. He breathed heavily, inhaling and exhaling deeply for a few moments while he collected himself. He put his dick back into his boxers and zipped up his pants, standing up and wobbling a little from the loss of energy, but the pleasure was satisfying, his heart doing fast quick beats as it composed itself.  He put the Polaroid back in his pants pocket and exited out of the pictures on the laptop.

Rick walked into the bathroom and flushed the tissues, trying to erase the evidence that he had just jacked off to a picture of Negan. But god it felt good. Fuck. He was on too much of a high to come down and face reality.

The stress had melted off Rick as he called it a night and went to lie in his bed. He didn't think about his hourglass or about Alpha or about how he was completely and utterly stone-cold fucked. He just breathed and stretched his body, relaxed.

It didn't come as a surprise to Rick that he found himself awake an hour later, jacking off again to even dirtier thoughts of Negan.

_"You want my cock shoved up your ass Grimes? Would you like that? Or maybe you want to do me a favor and use that pretty mouth of yours, earn yourself some extra credit?"_

It also didn't come as a surprise that Rick found himself running awkwardly to the bathroom before he could fuck up anymore clothing or bed sheets. Reminder to plan next time.

Needless to say, Rick had his best night of sleep yet.

In the morning he was plagued by thoughts of what Negan had been up to that night. He wondered if he had fucked Alpha. He wondered what he'd say to her. What she'd say to him. It made him feel sick.

Negan got home that night, and Rick felt himself analyzing his mood, as though he'd be able to tell if Negan had gotten laid or not. He asked about the seminar, but Negan's answers were boring, which he figured they would be. He kept looking at his face, it was stupid, but he thought maybe he'd see something. A glow, an answer, a giveaway.

But he just couldn't tell.

They spent the night watching a movie with Judith. It was The Little Mermaid. Rick watched as Ariel pined to live in a world where she could walk and be with the humans, and when she fell in love with Prince Eric, he felt for her. The whole "time running out thing" hit too close to home, and he couldn't help but see the parallels. She couldn't tell Prince Eric what was happening, and Rick technically could, but it wouldn't make Negan fall in love with him. If anything it would just ruin his chances. And she had three days to get Eric to give her the true love's kiss. Hell, at least she knew when her clock was going to run out. Rick didn't. And that true love's kiss didn't seem to be coming anytime soon.

The whatever-it-is, fate, the universe, was definitely Ursula, but when she turned into the woman trying to seduce Eric, he could only see her as Alpha. Again, he couldn't help but think of what might have happened between them at the seminar.

With Judith in bed, Rick was left alone with Negan, and an awkward atmosphere descending into the living room.

"Grimes..." Negan started, taking off his glasses to clean them, the ones that still killed Rick every time.

"What." Rick said.

"Do you want to tell me...why you kissed me yesterday?" He asked, looking up and giving Rick an annoyed look.

Rick cleared his throat. "I don't know."

Negan sighed.

"Not cool man." He said.

"I know. I'm sorry." Rick said. "I guess I got. Jealous."

"Why are you jealous? What are you jealous of? We're not...together. You don't want that. I don't want that. I don't get it." Negan said.

Rick closed his eyes for a moment and took a deep breath.

"Yeah I...I don't know." He said, opening his eyes. "I guess I kind of like our family and it just. I don't know. I got used to things."

It was the half truth. He couldn't believe that Negan still thought he wasn't in love with him.

Love.

Wait.

When did that happen.

Rick looked over at Negan on the other end of the couch, still cleaning his glasses, a serious look on his face, the muscles of his arms visible past his shirt sleeves. Rick didn't know if he was in love with him. He felt it. Yeah, he felt like he was in love. But he didn't know fully. He wouldn't know until they started a real relationship. And all Rick wanted, all he wanted, was to live and experience that. He wanted to fall in love with him. He wanted to learn everything that was inside Negan, past, present, future.

But the odds were against him.

"Things will get easier." Was all Negan said before they went to bed.

Rick knew he was right. Things always got easier. But only after after they had gotten worse.  

That night, Rick had a hard time going to sleep with Negan next to him. And when he managed, he next opened his eyes to find he was standing on a patch of dirt.  

Rick was in a forest. He didn't recognize it. He could hear something faint. Like distant static. He walked.

Suddenly something rushed past him, sending Rick's heartbeat into overtime. He looked at the figure that had just nearly knocked him over.

It was him.

It was the Other Rick.

His clothing looked worn, as though he had been living out here for a while. He didn't notice Rick, he was looking past him, walking backwards on his heels, eyes wide in terror.

The distant static drew closer.

The distant static drew so close that the Other Rick turned and ran, so fast that Rick felt like he was there one second and gone the next before he could blink.

The distant static wasn't distant anymore.

There was a rushing sound of buzzing that fell upon Rick, like a million wasps speaking at once.

Rick didn't turn around.

Running through the brush, past trees, Rick felt like he was running for his life.

" _YOU ARE MINE_." A distorted voice spoke. Rick jumped in his skin, diving into a small ditch and hiding under thorn bushes. The thorns scratched him, but held him in a safe and sharp cocoon, his own personal barbed wire. There was a clearing up ahead.

The static increased, like someone was turning the knobs on what Rick could still only describe as a sadistic radio. And then the monster was walking into the clearing.

It looked like Negan. But he knew it wasn't. It was the creature from his other nightmare, the one where he watched the Other Negan get beaten to death. Only this felt more real, as though that dream was only a dream. And this was something else.

The buzzing was loud, cracking and increasing in volume as the creature paced, when it swung Lucille, Rick thought it sounded like a lightsaber from Star Wars, if the noise had been put into a blender and manufactured by Stephen King. Maybe it would have been funny to think about, but right now it was the most terrifying sound in the world. He held his breath and looked straight ahead, something catching his eye.

It was the Other Rick, hiding in a similar fashion. They were staring at each other now, like two pieces of prey, both hiding from the predator.

The Other Rick's eyes were wide and full of fear, but were also pleading. Like he had survived this long and didn't want Rick to fuck things up for him. Rick didn't dare to breath.

" _WELL LOOK. AT THAT_." The voice spoke, pausing after several words to create an uncanny way of speaking. " _DAWN IS. BREAKING. IT'S A BRAND. NEW DAY RICK_."

Rick couldn't control the shiver that went through his body when he heard the mangled distorted voice of the creature. It sounded as though it was trying desperately to imitate Negan, but it didn't have the right vocal cords and ability. Rick knew this couldn't be a dream. Just like the apocalypse, he couldn't make something this terrifying up on his own.

" _NOT A LITTLE BITCH._ _I MISSED YOU. I MISSED YA. PISSING OUR PANTS YET? RICK. RICK RICK RICK RICK RICK RICK RICK-_

Rick could physically feel the sound of his name being repeated, like a warped record played on a setting that made the voice sound low and slow. He felt the sound slide into his veins, chilling him to the point that the fear was no longer controllable. He didn't look down, but he could feel the hot wetness soaking him like it had when he was first dealing with post coma problems. He had never been so scared in his entire life.

Frozen under the thorns, he watched as the Other Rick slunk backwards, carefully exiting his spot in the thorn bushes across the way. And then the Other Rick was gone.

Rick watched as the entity disguised as Negan raised his head, like an animal catching a scent. Rick didn't think it was possible to tense up anymore, but he knew he was caught. His body had betrayed him. It had in a lot of ways, he thought.

The last thing he saw before waking up was Negan turning to look directly at him.

Rick flung himself off the bed, landing on his side with a crash to the floor. He scrambled to his knees, beads of cold sweat dripping down his entire body, fingers gripping the carpet. He stayed still until he finally came to his senses.

And then he knew.

Something was wrong.

Something was horribly, horribly wrong.


	18. We Had Much Of Everything

Rick was frozen on the floor when Negan woke up, startled awake.

"What's on me?" Negan mumbled. "What's this?"

Rick flung his head up, ripples of all sorts of fear spreading through his body, bouncing off the walls of his skin and echoing back to his heart. He was awake. He was okay.

But the Other Rick wasn't.

"Grimes..." Negan muttered, sitting up and pulling the covers away. "Did you just fucking piss on me?"

Rick swallowed. "Don't be mad at me!" He yelled. Please, please don't let Negan get mad at him. He was already on thin fucking ice, and something like this could be that last step that makes Rick fall right through.

Negan exhaled and stared at Rick. "I thought you were good. It's been months."

Rick put his head down. He couldn't do it anymore. Tears welled in his eyes until they started to pour.

"Jesus Grimes!" Negan said, getting up and walking over. He kneeled down.

"Look, shit, it's okay. I don't care about this. You're really good at ruining the bed sheets, that's a good fucking talent. I'd give you a gold medal, but you haven't bled on them yet."

Rick let out a snotty laugh. "What the fuck?"

Rick felt Negan's hand rubbing his back.

"You know, you've pissed on them, cried on them...got cum on them, you just gotta bleed on em and then you get the gold medal. I just don't know if you're fucking committed to the cause, is all. I mean I know you train and put in the hours, but you've gotta go all the fucking way if you want to make your country proud at the Olympics. I'm talking all four major bodily fluids here."

Rick was laughing now, harder than he expected to after waking up from a horrible nightmare. He couldn't believe Negan was trying to make him feel better.

"Come on." Negan said, taking Rick under an arm and pulling him up. "Go into the bathroom and I'll bring you a change of clothes and you can shower."

Negan returned a few minutes later to find Rick sitting in the tub, his arms over his knees, head down and hidden.

"What are you doing?" He asked.

Rick sighed. "I'm giving up."

Negan snorted. "Stop being dramatic. Not your fault your body isn't all there yet."

"That's not what I meant." Rick mumbled.

"What? Come on Grimes, you're mumbling."

"I said that's not what I meant!" Rick said.

"Then what is it?" Negan asked, sitting down on the side of the tub.

Rick looked up at him, but he didn't know how to tell him. "You're going to be fine without me."

"What?"

"You're going to be fine without me." Rick repeated. "But I'm not going to be fine without you."

"What are you saying?" Negan asked.

"I'm just...I'm no good here. In this world. And you hate me."

"Whoa whoa whoa, slow down. I don't hate you." Negan said.

"You might not hate me. But you resent me." Rick looked at the tile wall next to him, followed the lines with his eyes.

Negan sighed. "Look. None of this has been easy. But I don't..."

"It's ok." Rick said. "I know you do. It's ok."

"What's this about you not being good in this world huh?" Negan asked, changing the subject. "You don't think the kids think you're fucking great?"

"I guess. But that's because I'm _here_. When I'm out on my own in some...apartment...I don't know what I'm going to do." Rick was realizing how terrifying that was becoming. Even in his own world, he had lived in such close proximities with his family and friends that he couldn't remember the last time he was truly alone.

"Grimes. I don't need to remind you how strong you are do I?"

Rick wanted to scream. Yeah, Negan was right. And he was doing his best to comfort him. But it was hard to be strong when you were fighting against forces beyond your control.

"Can I ask you a few questions?" Negan asked, looking at Rick.

"Sure." Rick said.

Negan pulled his hand up from his side and opened it, holding something up for Rick to see.

"I went to find something for you to wear. Why was this in the pocket of your pants?"

Rick's stomach dropped when his eyes recognized the Polaroid picture of Negan.

"It was on the floor." Rick said quickly. "I picked it up to put away, I must have forgotten about it."

Negan stared at him for a long while. Then he turned the picture over to look at it.

"I remember the day this was taken." He said, smiling. "It was a summer day. Nice. Could have been hotter if you asked me. But Rick, he liked when the summer days were a little breezy. What about you?"

"Yeah," Rick said slowly, "I like when they're breezy."

Negan laughed. "Yeah, I figured you might. I get you're in his body and all, but I bet you sweated like a pig in your old one too."

Rick huffed a tiny laugh.

"Yeah, see? You did." Negan said, a small but amused rabbit toothed grin appearing on his face.

Negan inhaled deeply and continued. "We were having a barbecue in the neighborhood. Rick was tired cause Judith was still little and she wore him out faster than a new pair of cheap fucking shoes. We were lying on that hill together, you know it? That little one down the street?"

"Yeah I know it." Rick said. A little too well.

"Well, Glenn was taking all these fucking pictures. Still takes all these fucking pictures." Negan smiled. "Rick loved this one. He kept it in his wallet for a while but he was afraid of losing his wallet so, into the photo album it went. So I just gotta ask again. Why was this photo in your back pocket?"

Rick just stared up at Negan. "I guess...I guess me and Rick are pretty similar."

Negan didn't say anything; he just stared at Rick long and hard.

"I don't get it." He said. "It's still his body, but I could swear that your..."

Negan trailed off.

"Ah, nevermind."

Negan didn't acknowledge Rick's answer. Which was partially a confession, quite frankly.

"Can I ask you something else?" He asked.

"Go for it." Rick sighed.

"I have a hard time believing your body isn't up to par. There's another reason why we're covered in piss right now. What is it? Did you have a nightmare?"

"Yes." Rick said.

"What was it about this time?" Negan asked.

"I...I'm not sure."

"You don't remember?"

"I remember. But I'm not sure what it was about." Rick said.

Negan sighed. "Well, you can clean up in here; I'm going to use the kids' bathroom."

Negan stood up and walked out, leaving Rick a mess of leftover fear and newfound embarrassment at Negan catching him with the photo. But Negan didn't press it too much. It was a very awkward thing, and he was sure Negan would rather just suppress that conversation further down. Which at the moment was fine with Rick. He was sure if he told Negan the truth about his feelings, then it would just ruin his chances at survival. If Negan knew the pressure on him to love Rick, then how could he? It had to somehow develop genuinely, but Rick didn't have a thousand years.

When Rick came out of the shower, the bed sheets had been replaced and Negan was lying on the bed with a tablet, the lamp next to him on, and his glasses propped on his face.

Rick looked at the time. It was five in the morning. He got onto the bed next to Negan.

"What are you doing?" Rick asked.

"I'm watching a movie." Negan said. "Want to watch?"

"You're watching a movie at five in the morning?"

"Well I'm pretty awake. Aren't you?"

"Yeah. What are you watching?" Rick asked.

Negan scooted over closer, which surprised Rick, and then they were shoulder to shoulder, looking at the tablet in Negan's hands.

"Deadpool. That cool with you?" Negan said.

"Yeah." Rick said, although he had no idea what that was.

Ten minutes in the movie, Rick looked up at Negan and went, "So this guy is you."

Negan snorted. "What?"

"Loves to try and be funny, says dumb shit..."

"Har-har." Negan said.

Rick didn't know when he closed his eyes, but next thing he knew, his head was on Negan's shoulder and he was falling asleep.

Rick woke up a few hours later to the sunlight streaming in through the blinds. He blinked and realized that he was still sleeping close to Negan, their bodies barely touching.

"Mmm," Negan stirred, and then he laughed in his sleep, "Fuck off Alpha."

Rick froze and closed his eyes, an angry heat radiating behind them. Negan laughed again in his sleep and moved so that his body closed the gap between them. When Negan's body touched Rick's, he stopped sleep talking, and the smile on his face faded. Rick tried not to breathe; Negan's face was now positioned in the crook of his neck, his glasses half falling off.

Rick watched as Negan slept, he could feel the air exhaling out of Negan's nose onto his neck, his hair brushing against Rick's chin. Rick closed his eyes and felt himself savoring the moment. Rick almost fell asleep a minute later when he felt Negan start to twitch. He opened his eyes and looked down. Negan looked like an animal moving in their sleep.

"No." Negan said hurriedly. And it made Rick's blood turn ice cold. "No."

Rick didn't know what to do.

"Rick," Negan whined, "Rick."

Rick was just about to wake him up when Negan cried out and jolted awake. Rick jumped at the sudden response from Negan.

"Negan!" Rick cried. "Are you alright?"

Negan was sitting upright, breathing heavily. "I..."

"Did you have a nightmare or something?" Rick asked.

"Yeah." Negan said. "Yeah."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

Negan looked behind him and looked Rick in the eyes. He didn't say anything for a moment. "No. Not yet anyway."

Rick sighed. He just wished Negan would confide him every once in a while. Especially if he was going to get Negan to fall in love with him.

That day Rick found himself alone in the house, with Negan at coaching and Judith at school. He grabbed his phone and called Beth, asking if she was free for lunch. Rick was no longer all that interested in talking to Dale. He was too pissed at the man. But he needed someone to talk to about this whole dream situation. Rick had been through too much already to think a dream was just a dream.

Beth met him at a local diner an hour later. She was in her nursing uniform when he saw her walk through the glass doors. He waved her over.

"How are you able to be a nurse?" Rick finally asked as she sat down.

"Well, I'm only part time." She said. "And I learned a lot at Grady's, actually. Which is part of the reason why it worked that I was brought here. But I also had to pick up a lot of stuff. I just made it work."

"Aren't you afraid of messing up?" Rick asked.

"I just ask a bunch of questions when it comes to important things. If they fire me, they fire me. I find something else. But right now, it's been working." She said. And she seemed so calm about it all. Rick was almost jealous of her.

"Can I get you guys anything?"

Rick looked up at the waiter and froze for a moment. A young attractive man was smiling down at them, but all Rick could think about was how the last time he saw him he was slamming a machete down into his head. A machete with a red handle.

It made Rick uncomfortable that Gareth was their waiter, not because he thought this diner was serving humans on the menu, but because he knew that everything these people were in his world lied dormant in them in this one. So he was basically staring at a would-be could-be cannibal given the opportunity.

Regardless they ordered their food and got back to their conversation.

"I know him. Our waiter." Rick said.

"You do?"

"Yeah, remember how I was telling you about Terminus? That's him, that's their leader."

Beth stared wide eyed at Rick. "The cannibal??"

Rick nodded, but found himself laughing.

"What's so funny?" Beth asked.

"Just...circumstances." He smiled. "It's all just strange."

"Yeah, it is." Beth smiled back. "So, was there something you wanted to talk about?"

Rick sighed. "Yeah. There's a lot I have to tell you actually."

Beth settled back into her booth and looked at Rick intently, waiting for him to talk.

Rick took a deep breath; he almost didn't know how to say it.

"I wasn't supposed to be pulled here." Rick finally spoke.

"Wh-what?" Beth asked.

Rick rubbed the back of his neck and closed his eyes. "I was right. Dale brought me here on his own. Long story short, if Negan doesn't fall in love with me, then what we talked about is gonna happen. The universe is gonna right itself."

Beth stared at Rick. "You can't be serious."

"I am." Rick said, and he put his hands to his face. "And I fell for him." Rick gave an exasperated laugh. "And he's not going to fall in love with me so, I'm fucked."

Gareth returned and interrupted them with their food. They just stared at it, not exactly in the mood for food, and Rick couldn't help but feel turned off being served food from Gareth.

"How much time do you have then?" Beth asked.

"That's the thing. I don't know. Dale doesn't know. At least he says he doesn't. I believe him but, now he just doesn't seem to want to talk to me anymore. Which is infuriating if I'm being honest. This is his fault, and he's not exactly helping me fix it."

"Ok...well, what can we do? What are our options here?" Beth asked, and it made Rick feel better that he had a partner in all this.

"I don't know." Rick sighed. "He's seeing someone else already. I'm assuming he is, anyway. A teacher named 'Alpha'."

"Alpha?"

"Yeah. Alison or something." Or something. Rick knew exactly what her name was. He was practically obsessed with her, wondering what she possessed that he didn't. The face of your dead lover, to start.

But then Rick thought about how Negan had compared her to Lucille, and he had a sick thought that if Negan could love someone who looked like Lucille, maybe he could love someone that looked like Rick. Someone that looked exactly like Rick. But it wasn't like Negan _loved_ Alpha, so he was at least safe there.

"That can't last." Beth assured. "There's no way."

"I don't know." Rick said. "I just feel like I'm trying to fight a force too strong. Makes me feel like MY Negan was nothing. And it's not like I can even figure out what the Other Rick was like, because I know those are the things that are pushing him away. I need to somehow make him see the things that make me different. But I don't know what those things are outside of walker killing."

"There's lots of things." Beth said. "You're a leader. You can be gentle but ruthless when you're protecting the ones you love. You give people second chances when they don't deserve them."

Rick smiled and huffed a laugh out his nose. "I was those things. But I'm not anymore."

"Those things still exist within you." Beth said.

Rick closed his eyes. "Beth...do you know about the field?"

He opened his eyes to see Beth smiling gently.

"Yes," she said, "I know about the field."

"So it's real?" He asked.

"Yeah. It's real."

"I thought maybe I was just dreaming it up." Rick said.

"If you are, then I was too, and I don't think we're that alike." She smiled.

"It's just...I had this nightmare. About the Other Rick being lost in a forest, and he was being hunted by this entity, it looked like Negan but I don't think it is. I think it's just making itself look like him. It's not..human. And I think the Other Rick was supposed to go to that field. Or some variation of it. And because of what Dale did, something went wrong. And now he's trapped in some forest with this thing hunting him."

"Seriously?" Beth asked.

"Yeah." Rick said. "And I think the only thing I can do is go there and get him."

"What? How?"

"By having another dream I guess." Rick said. "That's the only thing I can think of. And I don't think it was a dream. I think it was real just like that field. I think he's really in trouble."

"What do you think is hunting him?" Beth asked, a worried look in her eye.

"I dont know. But it's bad." Rick said.

"It's just. I knew that Other Rick. He wasn't like you. He was soft. I don't think he would have made it one day in our world."

Rick furrowed his brow. "No, I think you're wrong. I think everyone in this world has it within them to turn into what we turned into. I think the Other Rick could become like me. I don't have any doubt. I saw him out there; he looked skilled, learned, like he knew how to hide. If anything, I was the one about to blow our cover."

"So you interacted with this monster thing?" Beth asked.

"Yeah, and it was the most terrifying thing I've ever encountered." Rick said.

"How are you going to stop it then?" Beth asked.

"I'll cross that bridge when I get to it."

"Rick...don't be stupid."

They stared at each other from across the table.

"Glenn always said I was a dumbass right?" Rick said.

Beth smiled. "Just make sure you rescue him and still have time for your other dilemma."

"I know. But I can't leave him out there. If the universe or whatever doesn't want to put the band aid on this, I'm going to have to do it myself. That includes finding and getting the Other Rick to that field if I can."

"You can do it." Beth said. "I know you can."

Rick sighed. "I hope for all our sakes you're right."

Rick returned home with a few hours to go till Judith would come home on the bus. He took off his shoes and lied down on him and Negan's bed. The only way he could think to access that place was through his dreams, so taking a nap was his first attempt.

Rick's alarm woke him up a few hours later, and as he came out of his sleep, he realized he hadn't had any dreams at all. He blamed it on the short time period of his nap, and hoped that the night would give him enough time to get there.

He looked at his phone, Judith would be arriving home within the next half hour, and Negan wouldn't be too far behind.

He started feeling that panicking feeling when he remembered his clock was winding down, only he couldn't see it. And now the Other Rick's clock was surely winding down too. Rick had to save them both somehow.

It was a quiet day of pacing around. Rick felt like Negan had something on his mind that he wasn't sharing, and it was only till they were on the couch that night after Judith went to bed that he finally told him.

"So about my nightmare." Negan said.

Rick turned to look at him. Negan was sitting on the other end of the couch, feet propped on the coffee table, glasses on, book in his hand. Rick felt guilty trying to capture the moment in his memory. He wished they were sitting here under different circumstances.

"Yeah?" Rick asked.

"It was...I was in this forest."

Rick froze.

"And something was in there with me. And then I saw Rick. My Rick. And he was in trouble." Negan's voice was shaking. "It felt so real."

Rick breathed out slowly, unsure of how to respond.

"Negan..."

"Oh God Grimes." Negan sighed, closing his eyes. "Don't tell me."

"It's real." Rick said.

"How?"

"I don't know. But that was my nightmare too."

"What?" Negan asked. "It was?"

"Yeah. I was in that forest too, and Rick was there, running from this _thing_." Rick didn't know how to tell him it looked like Negan. "And it looked like he had been there a while. And I ran too. And we both hid from the monster, or whatever."

"What does it mean? How is this happening?" Negan asked. "Where is this?"

Rick sighed. "There's this...field. That I've been visiting. It looks like Hershel's farm. And everyone I knew is there. Resting. At peace. And I think the Other Rick was supposed to go there. But because Dale pulled me here, he didn't."

Negan closed his eyes.

"Wait..."

Negan opened them and looked at Rick. "Wait...what do you mean? What do you mean _Dale pulled you here_?"

Rick swallowed. Shit. Shit. It had completely slipped his mind that Negan didn't know almost _any_ of the details regarding Rick being here. All he knew was that his Rick died and that 'Grimes' stepped in.

"I thought you just. Poofed. You said there was some reason for it. What are you saying?" Negan asked, irritation rising in his voice.

"Look. None of it is my fault." Rick interjected. "Dale pulled me here without permission of...well, whatever you want to call it. I didn't ask him to. Things lined up and he took it in his own hands. And when he did he royally fucked something up. And now your Rick isn't where he's supposed to be because of that."

Rick didn't know Negan's face could look so pale but be so flushed with anger at the same time.

"And now Rick is being chased by something in the fucking afterlife?" Negan asked.

"That's all I can assume." Rick said.

"So what? My Rick gets fucked because of all this?"

"Not just your Rick."

"What does that mean?"

"It just means...that we're all affected by this. So let's figure out what we can do to save him."

"We can do that?" Negan asked, his tone softening.

"I think so. I've accessed that place before. I can do it again."

"How did I get to it?" Negan asked.

Rick thought for a moment. "I heard you start dreaming when you...uh, you kind of fell into me."

"Of course it'd all be connected to you." Negan muttered.

"I don't think you need to go there with me." Rick said.

"Bull-fucking-shit!" Negan scoffed. "I'm fucking going."

"It's dangerous." Rick said.

"Yeah no shit. I was there before." Negan said.

"You were there for a minute. I was there for longer. It isn't safe."

"I don't give a fuck!" Negan said, getting emotional. "I'm going. I get that Rick died. I get it. But he deserves to rest in goddamn peace. We're going to work together on this one."

Rick took a deep breath. "Okay, let's try then."

They climbed the stairs to their bedroom and laid down on the bed.

"Ok." Rick said. "Just..."

Rick slid his hand over and took Negan's hand in his. Again, another moment he wished was happening for a different reason. They closed their eyes until they drifted off to sleep.

"Grimes."

"Grimes."

"Grimes wake up!"

Rick opened his eyes, it was in the very early morning, and he cursed when he realized he was in their bed.

"Yeah, it didn't work." Negan muttered.

"I don't get it. Why can't we get there?" Rick asked.

"You're asking the wrong fucking person." Negan said.

Rick sat up and rubbed his eyes. "Fuck."

"You can say that again."

"There has to be a way to get there." Rick said. "I've already tried twice now."

"We can't keep waiting to go to sleep and hoping for the best." Negan sighed.

"You're right. We need a way to access that place directly."

They sat in silence for a few minutes.

"Wait a minute." Rick murmured.

"What? What?" Negan asked.

"I think I might have figured out a way."

"Well? Don't just keep it to your fucking self!"

Rick looked up at Negan. "Hypnosis."

Negan looked taken aback. "What?"

"You know. Hypnotherapy. With Morgan. I bet he could get us there." Rick said.

"Shit." Negan breathed. "Shit. I think you might be on to something."

"We kind of stormed out though." Rick reminded him. "Think he'll take us back?"

"More like, think he'll even believe us?" Negan scoffed. "'Hey Doc, mind if you do your thing and send us to this weird ass realm that totally exists'. Yeah I have a feeling that's going to go over super well."

"We have to try." Rick said. "It's our only option."

"Alright. Alright. Fuck. We'll try."

They couldn't sleep. They discussed the place as much as they could, and they still didn't know what exactly they were going to do when they rescued the Other Rick. Somehow they would have to get him to the field. But they didn't know where that was.

After Judith left for school, they immediately headed to Morgan's office. Tara greeted them.

"Tara." Rick said, walking over to the receptionist desk. "Is Morgan here?"

"Yeah." Tara said. "Are you alright? How are you doing?"

"Is he free?" Rick interrupted.

"Technically...but I'm sorry...we only do appointments."

"It's an emergency!" Negan blurted.

Tara looked taken aback. "I'll give him a call."

Tara picked up the phone and dialed into the office.

"Dr. Jones? There's a Rick and Negan Grimes to see you. It's urgent." She put the phone down. "He'll be out in a minute."

Rick couldn't help it. He was staring incredulously at Negan.

"What?" Negan asked.

"You..."

"What?!" He scoffed, walking over to the chairs and sitting down in one of them.

"Is your last name Grimes?" Rick asked.

Negan crossed his arms. "Took you that long to figure out?"

Rick blinked. "I don't...How? When?"

"Look. No one knows except in legal situations. Hell, the school system only just found out about my name change recently. Yeah. Me and Rick got married."

Rick felt his stomach drop. "I'm sorry but...what?"

Negan groaned. "A week before Rick got shot...we...well we didn't want to wait for the wedding before we were legally married. Especially because of his job. Which thank fucking God right?"

"Wait so. Does anyone else know?"

"No." Negan said. "They just think I was granted custody because of Rick's position. At least that's all I can assume. No one asked. So I didn't say anything. Anyway. We got our marriage license."

"You lied to me." Rick said.

"No."

"Yeah you did. I said we were getting a divorce when I first woke up and you said we weren't married. And that was when you still thought I was the Other Rick."

"Look that...I just...I thought if I said that, then we wouldn't...couldn't...get a divorce. That was me being an asshole but...turns out it wasn't you anyway." Negan shrugged.

"I can't...I can't believe this." Rick murmured.

Rick didn't know what to think. He had this silly idea that if he could have convinced Negan to marry him after all, for benefits, for whatever, that maybe even in the absence of true love, he could trick whatever-it-was into letting him stay. Now that wasn't an option.

And he just couldn't believe that this entire time...They were married.

"I'm just..." Rick closed his eyes.

"I probably should have told you." Negan sighed. "But the only people that really knew in our immediate lives was me and him. So. Just figured it wasn't worth mentioning."

Rick was still in a state of shock when Morgan opened the door.

"Morgan." Rick said, standing up.

"Rick, Negan. How are you? What's the problem?"

"Can we talk in your office?" Negan asked.

"Sure." Morgan led them inside.

"Look I'm sorry for how we left last time." Negan said. "I shouldn't have yelled at you."

"It's alright." Morgan said. "What brings you here today?"

Rick and Negan glanced at each other.

"We need you to use hypnosis on us." Rick said.

Morgan sighed. "Why?"

"Because there's a place we need to access and we think this might be our only shot."

Morgan put his fingers to the bridge of his nose. "Rick..."

"I get how this sounds." Negan said. "It's fucking crazy. Believe me. It is. But we just need you to get us there."

"And where is there?" Morgan asked.

"Is that important?" Negan asked.

"I can't get you there if I don't know where 'there' is."

Rick and Negan gave each other another glance.

"It's a long story." Rick warned.

Morgan sat in a chair. "Let's hear it."

For the next hour, Rick and Negan tried to explain their situation. Somehow, they were able to convince Morgan that what they were saying was truthful and real. Rick didn't know what his bond with Morgan had been in this world, but whatever it was; it was strong enough that he believed them. Rick couldn't help but ask why.

"Morgan, how come you believe us?" Rick asked.

"The Rick I knew once helped me in a really difficult time. We didn't know each other; he was just a Sheriff's Deputy. But he saw I was in trouble. And he helped me. He believed me."

Rick nodded. He and Negan were already lying on the floor, pillows under their heads.

"Are you ready?" Morgan asked.

Negan grabbed Rick's hand and held tight. "Yeah."

"Close your eyes."

Morgan started to count them down, down, down, until they were leaving the office.

When they opened their eyes, they were lying in a meadow. It looked peaceful, for the time being.

"Well," Negan said, sitting up and helping Rick off the grass, "Looks like we're here."

"Yeah," Rick said, staring into the forest in front of them, "Looks like it."

"Can we do this?" Negan asked. "Can we really do this?"

"It doesn't matter if we can or can't. We're going to do it anyway." Rick said, and he felt Negan's hand squeezing his.

"Let's go find him." Negan said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this chapter! The twist of them being already married was entirely unplanned and only happened when I was typing Tara's lines. But it works so well and makes so much sense. I'm so excited to write this next chapter of their adventure in this purgatory like place...I had no idea this story would be so supernatural or spiritual, but I love it. I hope you've liked all the twists so far! <333 
> 
> And this story is definitely going to reach 100k lol. There's still so much left to unravel and do..


	19. Lost On The Way Home

"So he's in there somewhere?" Negan asked as they stood at the edge of the meadow.

"Yeah." Rick exhaled. "Somewhere in there."

The woods surrounded them, and Rick didn’t know where they were going to start. He wondered how long they stretched on, if they shifted and changed. He wondered if they could get lost out there and what would happen if they couldn’t make it out. But they were safe and sound in Morgan’s office. But Rick knew they weren’t safe from the monster inside the woods. It looked almost calm from the meadow, like they were in a bubble and once they passed the perimeter they’d be in open water. 

They looked around, trying to figure out which direction they should take. Where was the Other Rick most likely to be? He had been out here for a long time. He could be anywhere. He could be miles and miles away at this point. But it was now or never, so they would just have to choose and get on with it. 

“Well. Guess there's no point delaying this any further. Let's go." Negan said, and he took the lead and walked forward.

Rick and Negan made their way into the forest, stepping lightly, ears strained to hear everything they could. There wasn’t much to hear. There were no signs of animals yet, only plant life. Even the insects were hiding, if they were even here at all. Rick tried not to think about how impossible it was going to be to find the field. 

“This thing…” Negan started at they walked down a path. “It’s in here. With us.”

“Yeah.” Rick said. “Don’t know where...but it’s in here.”

“What is it? Could it be right behind us?” Negan asked, turning his head to look behind him. 

“No.” Rick said. “It lets off this weird static noise. You’ll know when it’s coming.” 

“Oh.” Negan said. “I heard that in my dream. That was  _ that _ ?” 

“Yeah. And I don’t know what it is, exactly. I just know that it’s dangerous.”

“How long has my Rick been in here?”

“Since I woke up I guess.” Rick said. 

“Are you fucking serious?” Negan gasped. “Three months? Rick’s been here running for three months?”

“Look, let’s just focus on finding him, okay? The finer details don’t matter right now.”

Negan sighed and they walked for another hour. They didn’t hear anything except birds. Rick was surprised there was anything out here at all. Negan kneeled down.

“Negan…” Rick said. 

“I’m just tired ok? I’m just going to rest.” 

Rick watched as Negan looked down at his feet. He was surprised when he heard Negan start to laugh. 

“What?”

“This is just fucking insane.” Negan muttered, putting his hands to his face. 

“I know.” Rick said. 

Negan sighed. “Think we’ll really find him out here? If Rick’s been hiding from a fucking monster demon whatever...how are we expected to find him? He’s probably living in a hole somewhere.”

Rick looked around, trying to make out anything through the trees. 

“Let’s just keep going.” 

Negan stood up and they pressed on. 

They walked all day, but there was no distant static. Eventually they left an abundant part of the forest and found themselves walking through a barren section with tall, long trees. Pine needles covered the ground. The sun was setting fast, and it didn’t take long for the pine barrens to grow dark. 

“RICK! ARE YOU THERE?!” Negan cried, and Rick immediately slammed a hand over his mouth.

“Are you fucking crazy?!” Rick hissed. 

Negan shoved Rick’s hand off his face. “It’s getting dark, in case you couldn’t tell. What are we supposed to do out here? I’ve noticed I’m not hungry or thirsty, but I am tired. What’s up with that?”

“I don’t know.” Rick murmured. “Everything needs sleep I guess.”

“So what? We need to find shelter?” 

Rick looked around. They walked a little further until he noticed something at the base of a tree. 

“Hey, what about that?” he asked, pointing to what looked like a handmade shelter. It was made out of sticks, tied together with strands of ivy. 

“Rick made that.” Negan said. 

“It’s possible.” 

“No. I mean I know he made it.” Negan said. They walked over and inspected the shelter. 

“How do you know that?” Rick asked. 

“Because, when Judith was two she was fucking obsessed with pretending to be a dog. Rick made her a doghouse out of sticks in the backyard, it looked just like this only smaller.” Negan said, and he touched the structure lightly. Rick thought he saw his fingers trembling. 

“He must have slept here a while back.” Rick said, looking around. He noticed slashes on the trees that sent shivers down his spine. 

“What do you make of those?” Rick asked, flicking his head towards the deep gashes in the trunks of the trees that surrounded him. 

Negan looked up. “Maybe that thing hunted him here. But it looks like they’ve both moved on from this place.”

It had gotten considerably darker since finding the shelter, so they crawled inside. The floor of the shelter was covered in soft fir boughs. Since the Other Rick had made the shelter for himself, it was a tight fit. 

“It’s cold.” Negan murmured, closing his eyes. 

“I know.” Rick sighed, closing his eyes as well. After about five minutes, Rick felt Negan wrapping his arms around him. 

“It’s cold.” Negan repeated. “No reason for us to freeze out here. Even if we’re technically still in Morgan’s office.”

Rick stuck his face in Negan’s chest and wrapped his arms around the taller man so that they were both holding each other. They were warm after ten minutes. 

“Grimes…” Negan said. 

“Mm?” Rick asked. 

“I know you’ve told me about your world but...there’s still a lot I don’t know. Tell me about it. I want to know.” 

Rick inhaled a deep breath and started to tell Negan all the things he hadn’t told him about yet. 

“That’s when you showed up.” Rick said after a while.

“Shit.” Negan sighed. “That’s a lot.”

“Yeah, it was.” 

“Why was I like that?” Negan asked.

“I don’t know. But we all did bad things to survive.” Rick said. 

Negan was silent for a moment. 

“What was the worst thing you ever did Grimes?”

“That’s an easy one.”

“What?”

Rick opened his eyes. “One time we were driving. I don’t remember why or where. We kept passing this guy, he had a backpack, he was alone. But we didn’t stop. We saw him again, and again, and we didn’t stop. Even though he cried for us to. We didn’t stop. We passed by him again. Only it was just his backpack.”

Rick let out a shaky breath.

“And we took the backpack.” Rick finished. 

Negan didn’t have a chance to say anything before Rick was going again. 

“I just...I’ve done worse to people, to be honest. I’ve killed people. Brutally sometimes. But I think that was the cruelest thing I’ve ever done in my entire life. Deny someone help. Because I wanted us to live. And other people were risks to that. But I swear it haunts me more than anything else I’ve ever done...Huh. I’ve never told anyone about how much that still eats at me. I think about that a lot.”

“A younger me would have stopped. The Other Rick would have stopped. But I didn’t. Maybe I’m the Rick that’s horrible and cruel. And that’s why the universe doesn’t want me here.” 

“Slow. Down.” Negan interjected. “Shut that shit down. Stop. That’s not true.”

“That last bit is.”

“Well you’re here now. And the universe or whatever is just going to have to put up with it.”

“...” Rick didn’t know how to tell him about his ‘terms and conditions’, how the man wrapping his arms around him had to love him in order for Rick to stay. It didn’t seem right to mention it when they were here for the Other Rick. 

Rick sighed. “Some days it’s just hard to live with.”

“Yeah no shit.” Negan scoffed. “But you don’t have to do anything like that again. Think of it is as a clean slate.”

But Rick’s hands just felt stained with all the blood, and he couldn’t get the spots out. What if Negan did fall in love with him, and he just ended up tainting him with all the bad things he’s ever become? What if he turned this Negan into the one he knew? 

“What was the worst thing you ever did in your life?” Rick asked. 

“Nothing like what you’ve done.”

“Yeah I figured.” Rick said. “But come on, what was it?”

“Hm. Well. Technically this one time...I beat the shit out of somebody. Like, fucking decimated them. Left them for dead. They lived but, they were pretty fucked up. I guess we’re kind of similar there.”

“Why did you do it?” Rick asked. 

“I know, there should be a grand reason right? But there’s not. I beat him up because he embarrassed me in class. High school. I was such a fucking asshole. And he was so scared he didn’t tell anyone who did it. Yeah. That’s the worst thing I’ve ever done.”

They were quiet for a minute. 

“You know. I never told Rick that. I was too ashamed. But you...you get it. Right?” Negan asked, and there was something in his voice. Desperation maybe. 

“Yeah Negan,” Rick said, “I get it.” 

“Yeah.”

They fell asleep in each other’s arms, warm and protected from the outside. They woke up in the same position, sunlight streaming through the branches of the shelter. 

“Hey.” Rick nudged Negan awake. 

“Oh.” Negan said, opening his eyes. “We’re still here?”

“Yeah. I’m trying not to think hard about how time works here.” Rick said. “Are you ready to go?”

They crawled out of the shelter. The pine barrens were still deserted. 

“Day two.” Negan said. “All I’m saying is, we can’t spend forever in here, so let’s try to find him soon.”

They continued forward, not really sure where they were going. 

“When we find him…” Negan said, “How do we get him to this field you mentioned?”

Rick climbed over a fallen tree. 

“I don’t know yet.” 

He helped Negan over the trunk and they went further into the dense brush. 

“We need to start looking for signs.” Negan said. 

“I know, I’m looking.” Rick said. “Daryl was a tracker, I wish he was here.”

“You didn’t pick up any skills?” Negan asked. “I mean, you’re the seasoned survivor here.”

“How many times do I have to say I’ve forgotten what it’s like? I’m useless these days.” 

Rick couldn’t help but wonder about his friends and family, compared to him. They would have remained strong, would have kept their skills honed. But Rick’s Negan had made sure to annihilate that within him, and it had worked. Everyone resented him for it. He knew that. He wondered if they were even sad about Negan taking him out. It wasn’t a good thought. 

“Are you okay?” Negan asked when he noticed Rick was slowing down. 

“Huh?” Rick swallowed. “Yeah I’m fine.”

“God Grimes. Look. King of empathy right here ok?” Negan said, letting out a small laugh. “So how many times do I have to remind you that it’s ok to not be fine?”

“Why  _ do  _ you tell me that all the time?” Rick asked.

“Because if it’s not okay for you to not be fine, then it isn’t okay for  _ me  _ to not be fine. And sometimes I just can’t be fucking fine, okay?” Negan said. 

Rick sighed. “It’s nothing important. At least. Not in the context of what we’re doing right now.”

“Well whatever it is, it’s making you slow down. So I’m about to throw your ass over my shoulder and carry you the rest of the way. Wherever it is we’re going.” Negan said. 

“I’m…” Rick stopped before he could say he was fine again.

“Ok. That’s fucking it.” Negan muttered, and Rick didn’t have time to yelp before Negan was pulling him up over his shoulder. 

“Negan!” Rick yelled. 

“Deal with it Grimes.” Negan said, walking them through the woods, Negan stepping over thorn bushes. “See? Your little legs can’t get over these thorns, so this works out.”

Rick gave an aggravated groan. “I’m not that short you know.”

“Yeah you are.” Negan laughed. 

“We’re gonna hear that static and you’re going to drop me.” Rick said. 

“I don’t hear anything.” Negan said. 

Negan carried Rick across a creek, and then he set him down.

“There you go buzzkill.” Negan huffed.

“Yeah right. You were getting tired.” Rick smirked. 

“That’s because you’re pudgy.” Negan smiled, a rabbit toothed grin spreading across his face.

“No I’m not.” Rick scoffed. “You’re the pudgy one.”

“I’m past 50. I’m allowed to be pudgy.” 

“Ok. You’re not pudgy.” Rick said. “You’re body’s too lean, actually.”

“OH. I’m too skinny now?”

“I’m just saying. Maybe you should eat more 20 dollar cookies instead of trying to be the middle aged Adonis.” Rick muttered. 

But they both started to laugh. 

“You and your fucking….fucking twenty….dollar cookies.” Negan wheezed. “You should have seen my fucking face when I saw that receipt for the first time. You would have shit yourself.”

Rick howled with laughter to the point where he had to lean against a tree. “I’m s-sorry. I got so excited…”

Negan had tears in his eyes. “Not as good as when you just fucking stole shit that one time.”

Rick felt tears springing in his eyes too. “I was blinded by an actually stocked Walmart.”

They slipped to the ground, laughing over each other, Negan was grabbing onto Rick’s jacket, wheezing and crying. Rick was trying to catch his breath. 

“Ahh…” Rick sighed. “I’d say I was so fucked up, but I’m still fucked up.”

“It makes for a great fucking story.” Negan snickered.

They were catching their breath when they heard a noise. They froze on the forest floor. There was a loud rustling and voices in the near distance.

"Shit!" Rick breathed. "Quick, up that tree."

"Up that tree? Grimes are you insane?" Negan scoffed.

"Just  _ try _ ." Rick pleaded, pushing Negan towards the trunk of the tree.

Negan turned around and scrambled up, Rick following behind him. They climbed up into the large branches, hidden by leaves, but with a clear view at the scene below.

"See? You climbed that fast." Rick whispered.

"That's from climbing ropes in gym." Negan whispered back.

They hushed and waited to see who was coming out of the brush. Rick felt himself tense up. It was the men from the road that one night. The Claimers. There were three of them. The one that got his throat bitten out by Rick, the one that Rick stabbed over and over, and a random one Rick didn't remember. It was insane. If time moved the same here, then they had been out here for a long, long, long time. But Rick knew they were probably only an hour into their hypnosis, so he really didn’t know how anything worked here. Regardless, they looked at the end of their rope.

Rick and Negan watched and listened. And then the men were standing under them, babbling to each other in fear. A loud distorted voice called out.

"COME ON.  _ COME ON _ . COME ON."

Rick nearly fell out of the tree when he recognized the voice as his.

But it was the same creature. Only this time it was disguised as Rick.

"LET'S SEE. COME ON.  _ LET HIM _ GO. LET.  _ HIM GO _ ."

The men were almost crying now, and Rick and Negan watched as the entity burst into their line of vision. Rick felt Negan tense up next to him.

"It's not him." Rick whispered quickly, grabbing onto Negan's leather jacket. Rick realized then that Negan was gripping his coat too. They laid in the branches and waited.

The entity looked like Rick, but it was a lot more animalistic in its appearance then when it had appeared as Negan. It's fingers were outstretched, claw like nails ready to tear into flesh.

The third man Rick didn't recall too well was the first to get attacked. They all watched as the entity clawed him until he was lying lifeless on the ground. Rick wondered what it meant. They were already dead. What happened when you didn't get placed where you were supposed to? Rick had a feeling it was to some eternal form of hell. The other men backed away slowly.

"WHAT THE HELL YOU GONNA DO NOW SPORT?" The entity Rick said in a low guttural voice.

Rick and Negan watched in horror as the entity Rick grabbed the man and sunk its teeth into his throat. Blood spurted and poured, covering the monster, and the leader of the Claimers was choking on his own blood. They watched as he got his throat torn apart, the entity clawing and tearing until they were both on the ground. The sounds of bones crushing and flesh tearing made Rick feel ill.

"HE'S MINE." The creature growled, looking up at the last man.

And Rick found he didn't feel bad.

"HE'S MINE HE'S MINE HE'S MINE." The entity called, and it rushed the man and knocked him against the trunk of the tree Rick and Negan were hiding in. They almost jumped and fell from the shock.

The entity had a machete with a red handle, and it made the same buzzing whirring sound as when it was carrying Lucille. They didn't breath. They just watched the creature stab the man over and over, his screams filling the forest. If the Other Rick was out there, surely he heard, and surely he was running. 

And then it was laughing, distorted, trying so hard to sound human.

And then it walked away, just like that, on its way to hunt its next victim.

Rick and Negan stayed silent in the tree for a long time, until they were sure they were in the clear. 

“Wait.” Rick said when he felt Negan shift. 

“What?” Negan asked, his voice was shaking. 

“Remember how I told you about that night, with those men, and Carl?” 

“Was that them?” Negan asked. 

“Yeah.” Rick breathed. “But I didn’t tell you something.”

“What?”

“That’s how I killed them.” Rick said. 

“What do you mean?”

“I bit that one man’s throat out. And then I-

“Wait a fucking minute.” Negan said. “You actually did that?” 

“Yeah.” Rick said.

“Holy fucking shit.” Negan breathed. 

“I would have counted that as one of the worst things I’ve ever done. But I don’t...I don’t feel bad about it.”

“I wouldn’t either.” Negan said in a serious tone. 

“But it just makes me wonder about his entity. Why did it appear as me to them?”

“Maybe it takes on the form of whoever is going to scare you the most. Did you see it in your dreams?”

“Yeah I saw it.” Rick sighed.

“What did it look like?” 

“It looked like you.” He said. 

Negan was quiet. 

“And it had the baseball bat.” Rick said. “I think this place we’re in is for the people from my world. So the entity looks like my Negan.”

“He doesn’t know about any of that.” Negan said quickly. “He thinks it’s me.”

“I doubt that.” Rick said. “I’m sure he’s figured out it isn’t human.”

“He’s probably so scared.” Negan said quietly. 

“He’s surviving.” Rick said. “He’s stronger than you think.”

“I hope he is.” Negan murmured. “But my Rick...I loved him but he was soft. Hell, that’s what I loved about him.”

“I was soft too.” Rick said. “Shane, he didn’t think I would make it. And I did. Sort of. Longer than him anyway. What I’m saying is, don’t underestimate him.”

“He was always full of surprises.” Negan said. 

They climbed down the tree and looked around. 

“No static.” Negan said.

“No.” Rick replied. 

They looked at the bodies on the forest floor. 

“That was some quick thinking, climbing up a tree.” Negan said. 

“Oh, yeah, well…”

“You’re…” Negan stopped. “Just. Your past is really helping us here.”

“I don’t know about that.” Rick said. “I can’t track for shit so…” 

“I wouldn’t be able to do this on my own. So it’s helping.”

“Thanks.” Rick said, and he thought he felt something shifting between him. But maybe he was imagining things.  

They walked close, continuing on in the same direction they were heading in earlier. It happened to be the same direction the entity took after it killed the Claimers. 

“Is that one of the other worst things you’ve done?” Negan asked as they entered a new part of the forest. It was light and hilly, trees coming out of everywhere. 

“What?” Rick asked.

“Killing Shane?”

“Yeah.” Rick gave a deep sigh. “Yeah that too.”

“Sorry.” 

“It’s fine.” Rick said, and then he gave Negan a smirk. “But for real this time. It’s fine. It was a long long time ago.”

“I hate that that thing looks like me.” Negan said. 

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I knew it would upset you.” Rick said. 

“You know I can handle my shit Grimes.” Negan said. 

“Not always.” 

Negan sighed and put his hands in his pockets. “Look Grimes. I know we’re kind of…” 

Negan made a motion with his hands Rick didn’t understand, but he got the idea.

“...fucked up.” Negan said. “But I really feel like we need to stop fuckin’ keeping things from each other. It all comes out anyway.” 

“Then maybe you should tell me about Alpha.” Rick said without thinking. 

“Alpha?”

“Yeah.” Rick said. “I feel like...no, I  _ know _ you’re keeping her from me. What is it? Are you sleeping together?”

“Grimes I…”

“You can tell me.” Rick said. “It’s going to come out anyway.”

“Fuck.” Negan sighed. “Alright. No. We’re not sleeping together.”

Rick tried not to make his sigh of relief obvious. 

“Then what are you doing with her?”

“Look. What I mean is. We’re not sleeping together  _ yet _ .”

“So it was going there.” Rick said. 

“If all you Ricks are soft across the board, maybe all us Negans are fucking assholes across the board too.” 

“Negan, it’s not like we’re married.” Rick sighed. “Well. No. It is. But. You know what I mean. It’s not cheating. Not really.”

Still didn’t stop him from being angry and jealous about it though. 

“I get that. That was my thought process too. I don’t know. Shit. I think I was just so fucking hurt after we…”

“Negan.” Rick interrupted. “I just want to say how sorry I am for that. That should have never happened. I should have thought about your feelings and how fucked up it was. I was just thinking about myself.”

“Shit Grimes, I was wound up too. Don’t lose sleep over it.”

“Too late for that.” Rick said. 

“Yeah well. I guess I turned to Alpha cause she was so removed from all of this. She didn’t know any of you, she was a part of my life as a teacher...I guess I saw her as an escape. Hell, to be honest she annoys the shit out of me half the time.”

“So we’re alike…” Rick mused. 

Negan laughed weakly. “Anyway, it’s probably not going any further. It was kind of fucking me up. She’s so relentless too, it kind of freaks me out.” 

Rick wanted to dance and jump and scream, but it wasn’t the time, and it definitely wasn’t the place. But Negan wasn’t pursuing Alpha anymore it seemed, so Rick had the tiniest shot. He just had to hit the bullseye. But he had a shot, and that’s all that mattered to him right now. 

“Is there anything you want to tell me?” Negan asked. “Before it all comes out anyway?”

Rick swallowed. “Actually. Yeah. There is.”

They kept walking. 

“Ok hotshot.” Negan said. “What is it then?”

Rick took a deep breath. “I thought if I told you it might…”

“Yeah?”

They exited a dense patch of brush and were walking through a clearing. 

“I thought if I told you I wouldn’t-

Just then Rick was slammed into the ground, hit by someone running through. 

“Oh my God.” Negan said. “Oh my God.”

Standing in front of them in the center of the clearing was the Other Rick. 

Rick felt the hairs on his arms and neck stand up straight. 

The Other Rick started to back away, staring at Negan in terror. 

“No,” Negan said, “No hon, hon, it’s me. It’s  _ me _ .” Negan pleaded. 

The Other Rick glanced over and looked Rick in the eyes. 

“It’s really him this time.” Rick assured, standing up. “It’s...we’re here to get you...we’re here to…”

Rick felt his throat closing up. Somehow this was more emotional than he thought it would be. The Other Rick had pulled his stare away from Rick and was focusing back on Negan. 

“Negan?” The Other Rick whispered. 

“Yes.” Negan whispered back, nodding his head, tears spilling down his face. 

Rick watched as they embraced. Negan had one arm wrapped around the Other Rick’s waist, the other secure on the back of his neck. The Other Rick had buried his head in Negan’s chest. They were crying. Rick felt himself crying too. 

He didn’t know how long they stood there. Too long for his liking, what with the entity still out there. 

They finally pulled away. 

“Are you okay??” Negan asked, wiping a tear from the Other Rick’s face.

“Not really.” The Other Rick said. 

“We’re here to help you baby.” Negan said. “We came here to help you.”

“How?” The Other Rick asked.

“There’s a field. It’s where you’re supposed to be.” Rick interrupted. “But things...got messed up. We’re going to help you get there.”

“I thought I was in hell.” The Other Rick murmured. 

“No.” Rick said. “It’s not hell.” 

“How have you survived?” Negan asked. 

“I just did. Somehow.” The Other Rick said. “I thought I was a goner when you showed up.” He looked at Rick as he said it. 

“Sorry about that.” Rick said. 

“It’s alright. I was okay.” 

Rick watched as Negan stroked the Other Rick’s face, who gave Negan a sad smile. 

“I’ve missed you so fucking much.” Negan said. 

“I know you have darling.” he said. 

“Do you know...do you know…” Negan stumbled over his words. “Do you know what happened?”

“Yes. Yes.”

“I’m so sorry.” Negan said, new tears spilling out of his face.

“It’s okay.” The Other Rick said, and it was said with confidence that could only come from someone who was no longer from Earth. “And I know what’s been happening too.”

“How do you know?” Rick asked, and he felt bad for interjecting. 

“I’ve been seeing what’s been happening in my dreams.” The Other Rick said. 

“So we’re...connected.” 

“Yeah.” And the Other Rick gave him a quiet smile that made Rick feel exposed somehow. But Negan didn’t notice it. 

“We have to get you to the field.” Negan said, sniffing and wiping his eyes. 

“I’m ready.” The Other Rick said. “Where is it?”

There was a sudden silence. 

“Well…” Rick started. “...We don’t exactly know.” 

“I figured you didn’t. I feel like I would have found it by now if it was that easy.” 

“But we got you now.” Negan said. “So we can get you there.”

“I’ve been everywhere. Twice.” The Other Rick said. “I wouldn’t know where to start.” 

“There was this meadow.” Rick said. “We woke up there. Do you know it?”

“No. A meadow?”

“Yeah.” Negan said. “A big meadow.”

“Do you think you remember which way that was?” The Other Rick asked. 

“I don’t know.” Negan murmured. 

“We walked a lot.” Rick said. “If it helps, we walked through some pine barrens for a long time.”

“The pines.” The Other Rick said. “I haven’t been there for months. I didn’t think to go back that way.” 

“Then I guess we should try it.” Negan said. 

“I know the way.” The Other Rick said, and he took Negan’s hand and they started to walk. Rick trailed behind, keeping his ears open for the noise of static. He watched them up ahead, and his heart ached terribly. 

Rick was surprised when he heard Negan telling the Other Rick almost everything that had happened over the past months. Including how ‘Grimes’ was ‘fucking shit’ at ice skating, and Rick joined the conversation when they started talking about where Rick was from. Rick explained to the Other Rick about Dale. He still didn’t mention his hourglass. He wondered if the Other Rick knew somehow. The look in his eyes seemed too knowing. 

“Negan…” The Other Rick said after hours of walking and talking. “I just need you to remember I’m not...alive…”

“I know that.” Negan said. “I know. Doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy your fucking company right now does it?”

Rick watched the Other Rick squeeze Negan’s hand. 

“I just need you to remember that.”

“I got it.” Negan said quickly. 

They were walking through the pines when they found a large clearing. 

“This is one of the first places I saw it.” The Other Rick said. “It was terrifying...it nearly got me. But I got away. I’ve just been getting away ever since.”

“Do you know what it is?” Rick asked.

“I don’t. A manifestation of something.” The Other Rick shrugged. “I’ve just been focused on hiding.”

“I still don’t get how Grimes could access this place.” Negan said. 

“He’s stuck like me.” he said.

“Wh-what?” Rick asked.

“We’re both placed just a little too south of where we’re supposed to be. I’m supposed to be in the field.”

“I don’t get it.” Negan said. “Where is Grimes supposed to be?”

Rick watched the Other Rick sneak him a smile, and then Rick knew he knew. He knew about Rick’s terms and conditions. And it surprised Rick that he didn’t seem mad about it. If anything, he was giving Rick smirks like he was amused by it. Even though he was currently being chased and hunted by something absolutely horrifying. 

“That’s what I was about to tell you.” Rick said. 

But then they heard it. And they all stopped in their tracks. And it wasn’t a distant static like usual. It was loud, crackling, and the three of them didn’t have time to react before Rick was being knocked to the ground, this time by the entity disguised as Negan. 

Rick rolled in the pines and the dirt, and the sound of loud hissing static drowned him. 

“I MISSED YA.” The distorted voice spoke. 

Negan had run over to help Rick to his feet. The monster was standing in the middle of the clearing, smiling wide and evil, laughing through its throat in a way that made Rick want to cry. The entity turned around to look at the Other Rick, who was standing tall, staring straight into its face. 

“HOLY GODDAMN.” The entity Negan said. He turned around to look at Rick and Negan, a low guttural pleased sound emitting from his body. Rick thought he saw its eyes change color. 

“WHICH ONE OF. YOU GETS THE. HONOR.” There was a snapping sound, like it almost didn’t want to keep its form, but wanted to keep up the show. 

Rick didn’t know what to do. They were all just standing there, one big standoff. Did they really think they were going to get out of here without encountering this thing? And they didn’t have any weapons. Hell, the Other Rick should have at least something, but he didn’t. They were defenseless. And the Other Rick was standing like he wasn’t afraid. Like he had been waiting for this. 

The creature whirled around to face the Other Rick, and Rick felt his blood turn to ice. This wasn’t happening. 

“NO!” Negan cried when the entity pulled Lucille back, ready to swing. He ran and slammed into the creature, sending them both to the ground. 

Lucille skidded across the dirt, and Rick thought the bat looked like it was trying to keep its form too, warped vibrations threatening to split it apart. 

“Negan!” The Other Rick cried, but before he could run over, Negan was already scrambling towards Lucille. 

As the entity rose to its feet, Negan grabbed Lucille. He let out a sharp hiss when the bat seemed to burn his hands, but he held on and stood up. Rick ran over to the Other Rick and grabbed him, the other entity was having a hard time focusing on the commotion. They watched as it started to break form, looking like the animalistic version Rick and Negan saw earlier. 

“CATCH A. TIGER BY.” The monster growled. “I GOT AN IDEA.”

Rick held the Other Rick behind him as the entity charged them. Rick felt himself close his eyes, and he was about to shout out, but he opened his eyes as he heard a sickening crack. The creature was falling down in front of him, and standing in its place was Negan, holding Lucille. The bat was charged with some kind of loud buzzing energy. Negan looked like he was in pain, but he held on. 

The entity rolled over and tried to stand up, but it was so stunned it only go to its knees. Rick watched as Negan took Lucille and pulled her over his head, slamming her down into the monster’s head. He was almost scared by how familiar it looked. Negan didn’t relent, he just kept swinging Lucille down and down. But there wasn’t blood, only smoke and a black sludge Rick didn’t want to know the makings of. 

“Taking it like a champ!” Negan shouted, and it gave Rick chills, but suddenly he was grateful for Negan’s nature. 

After another minute of making sure the monster was destroyed, Negan finally dropped Lucille. His hands were burning, and there were red lines running up his forearms as though he had been exposed to an electric shock. He almost fell to the ground but stayed on his feet. 

The Other Rick walked out from behind Rick and looked at the monster lying unrecognizable on the ground. 

“You did it.” He breathed. “You used it to destroy itself.”

“Yeah.” Negan said weakly. “Fuck.”

“Oh no.” The Other Rick said, looking at Rick. 

“What?” Negan asked. They turned to look. 

Rick hardly heard them, he was looking down at his abdomen. He had wanted to shout out when it had happened, but the crack of Lucille against the monster was enough to distract him from the deep scratch he had been given. Blood was soaking his shirt, and his legs were quickly turning into jello. 

“I…” He tried to say. They ran over and caught him just as he was about to fall. 

“We need to get to the field  _ now _ .” The Other Rick said, talking to Negan. They started to try and walk Rick towards the meadow. Rick watched out of his closing eyes as the monster and the bat fizzed on the ground, like it was melting. 

Rick closed his eyes. 

He thought about letting his soul slip out of his body along with his blood, but he held on. All he could think about was the way Negan had taken the baseball bat from the creature, like it belonged to him, and how dare someone try to imitate him. All he could see through his eyes were streams of sunlight, and then he was closing them for however long, just hoping that the Other Rick and Negan could find the field on their own. 

Rick wasn’t sure how long it had taken them. 

“Hey, Negan, he’s waking up.” 

When Rick opened his eyes he was lying in a field, surrounded by people. He sat up on his forearms. 

“What’s…” he murmured. 

“Hey. You’re okay.” The Other Rick said. “We found the field. It was past the meadow. We found it. And you’re okay.” 

Rick looked down at his stomach, his shirt was still covered in blood, but his wound was no longer there. He didn’t have to ask to know it was the field that did it. Negan and the Other Rick were kneeling by his side, as everyone Rick had known was standing in close proximity, no longer just shadow figures. 

“Rick.” It was Dale’s voice. 

“Dale.” Rick said, anger rising in his voice. 

“I know you’re upset. But let’s focus on that later.” Dale said. 

“Sure.” Rick said through gritted teeth. 

“Thank you for rescuing this Rick.” Dale said. 

“Oh. No problem.” Rick muttered. “Just almost died again because of your fucking…”

Rick found he was too tired to fight, so his words just trailed off. 

“What was that thing?”

“There are regions beyond our control, energies that have spilled out over the years. Sometimes they manifest into creatures that live in the outskirts.”

“The Claimers. How did they end up there?” Rick asked.

“I don’t know. I had nothing to do with that. Sometimes these things happen on purpose though.”

Rick still didn’t feel bad about it. 

“Now that you’re awake, I need you to drink something.” Dale said. 

“What is it?” 

“Just some water. But it’s necessary for your health.” 

Rick sighed and stood up, he gave a nod to the Other Rick and Negan and followed Dale to a trough, where he filled a cup with a crystal blue water. 

“Just drink that and relax for a few minutes.” Dale said. 

Rick sipped the water and looked out at the field. He had never noticed how large it was. People were milling about, and it all seemed to radiate a comforting warmth. He felt goosebumps appear on his arms when he realized that he didn’t see anybody new in the field. They were all there before he was. He hoped that meant no one else had died. It made him ridiculously curious about what was happening in his old home, but he’d have to let that go for now. 

He could see the Other Rick and Negan from where he was sitting, they were sitting on the ground talking to each other. Rick could hear them from his spot by the troughs. 

“So this is it?” He heard Negan ask. 

“Yeah.” The Other Rick said. 

Negan closed his eyes and dipped his head. “I just...I don’t know how I’m going to move on from this.”

“You don’t have to know how.” The Other Rick said, running a hand through Negan’s hair. “Just know you will. One day it’s not going to hurt like it does now. It might hurt for a long time. But it’s not always gonna hurt like this. I promise you that.”

“Did you know what was happening to you?” Negan asked. 

“I had some idea.” The Other Rick said. “But I knew you were all there with me. I could feel your energy. It kept me going for as long as it could.”

“I wish it had been enough.” Negan said. 

“I’m sorry. Eventually I just. I couldn’t fight against something like that. Not with all the love in the world. Guess that’s just it huh.” 

“Don’t...don’t apologize.”

“But I left with all your love inside my heart and soul.” The Other Rick smiled. “And I carried that all the way here. And I’ll carry it wherever I go after this. Maybe it couldn’t change my condition. But I felt warm from it. I felt warm.” 

“We had it good right?” Negan asked.

“Oh Negan,” the Other Rick said gently, “It was too good. The world couldn’t contain it. Our relationship was everything good about the universe in a single thing. Death can’t break that bond even if it tried. And it won’t try. I promise that too.”

Negan leaned his head forward so that their foreheads were touching. 

“What am I going to do when I can’t ever hug you again? Talk to you again? What do I do when I come home and I can’t kiss you?” 

“You’ll find me in other places.” The Other Rick murmured. “On the wind. In a photo. When something good happens to you. When you hear a song that makes you feel alive.  When the sun hits you and it all feels perfect. You’ll find me in every moment you find yourself forgetting your pain. That’s where I’m going to be...That’s where I’m going to be.”

“I’m not going to see you again until it’s all over.” Negan said. 

“Stop.” The Other Rick said gently. “Because you’ll see me before you know it. That’s how fast life moves. But don’t wish for it.”

“It just seems so hopeless right now.” Negan said, and he looked up to the sky like he was going to cry. 

“I know. But there is still time Negan. There is still time.” 

They sat in silence for a moment, running their fingers over each other’s hands. 

“I didn’t get to say goodbye.” Negan said, his brow furrowing. 

“Now you get to.” The Other Rick said. 

Negan looked up at the Other Rick, and he took his face in his hands and kissed him. The Other Rick held onto Negan’s forearms.

“I’ll see you in those happy moments.” Negan murmured, his hands still placed on the Other Rick’s face.

“I’ll be there.” The Other Rick smiled, holding onto Negan’s arms tight. “I want you to promise me something.”

“Anything.”

“Don’t be afraid to love again.” 

“I won’t.” Negan sighed.

“Do you think you could love him?” The Other Rick asked. 

Rick tried to make it look obvious he wasn’t listening, but they were too invested in each other that he figured he could be standing in between them and they wouldn’t notice. 

“I…” Negan seemed caught off guard. “I don’t know.”

“Don’t feel guilty if you do.” 

“I don’t even know how I feel.” Negan said quickly. “We’re friends. We grew closer out there in the forest but...I don’t know. He’s in your body but his eyes...they’re different. They’re more...paler than yours. I didn’t think that was possible. But they are. It’s like they’re fucking made of crystal.”

“You talk like that’s bad.” The Other Rick smirked. 

“No I...I’m confused.” 

The Other Rick laughed lightly. “Just think about it. For me?”

“I trust you.”

“Exactly. Can I go talk to him? And then I’ll say goodbye again.” The Other Rick asked. 

Negan gave a deep breath. “Yeah, I’ll be waiting.”

The Other Rick stood up and walked over to Rick. 

“Hey.” He said. 

“Hey.” 

He sat down next to Rick. 

“How’s the water?”

“Oh. Good.” Rick said. 

“Thank you for rescuing me.” 

“Of course.” 

“It’s funny. I was becoming more like you, while you were sort of becoming more like me.” The Other Rick smiled. 

“Yeah.” Rick said. 

“You don’t have to be all closed off you know.” 

“I know.” Rick said, shaking his head. “I know. I’m sorry. I guess I just feel...Rick?”

“Yeah?”

“What if we switched?” Rick asked. 

The Other Rick gave him a small smile. “Rick...no.”

“Why not? It would fix everything. I’d be here with the people I used to know, and you could return back to your life, and Negan would be happy with it, he’d want that, we could-

“Rick. Stop it.”

“But-

“No. No. It doesn’t matter what happened with this whole Dale thing. I still died. You still died. The only exception to that is that you were pulled. I wasn’t. You have to understand. I’m okay with that. You’ll understand it one day. You and Negan both. When you make your way here. You’ll understand.”

“Rick,” and it felt weird saying his own name, and talking to himself, “You know about my time running out. I know you do. Let’s face it. I’m a dead man. So let’s make this right and put you back.”

“Shut the fuck up.” The Other Rick groaned. “Stop with that shit. I didn’t survive in the forest hiding from some demonic... _ monster _ ...for the motherfucking Rick Grimes of the zombie apocalypse to just give up when things got rough. If I can live out there, you can get that man over there to love you.”

Rick sighed. “You really think your Negan could love  _ me _ ?” 

“I do.” The Other Rick smiled. 

“And you’re cool with that?”

“I am.”

“I still just feel like it would be better if we switched.” Rick murmured. 

“Rick. You know who didn’t mention that to me the entire time we talked? Negan. Even he didn’t ask. I need you to accept the way I feel about this. I understand things you can’t. It’s a part of the deal.”

“I’m just so sorry about what happened to you.” 

“Hey it could have been worse. I could have woken up from that coma in the fucking apocalypse.” 

Rick blinked as the Other Rick gave him an amused smirk. He couldn’t help but laugh. 

“Yeah. Yeah. You could’ve.”

“Seriously. I wouldn’t have survived that. I was barely making it out there.” The Other Rick said. 

“Bullshit.” Rick said. “You would have made it. Trust me. ‘I understand things you can’t’.” He smiled. “I know us. You would have made it.”

“I hope he sees it.” 

“Sees what?” Rick asked.

“All the really _ great things _ about you, the things I didn’t have.” The Other Rick said gently. 

Rick felt a warm chill go up his spine at the kind words. “Thank you. I...I hope so too.”

“I’m just sad you didn’t get to be with your Negan.” 

Rick barked a laugh. “Jesus Christ.”

“Mine’s pretty good though.”

“Yeah he is.” Rick muttered. 

“Promise me something.” 

“Sure.”

“Keep that photo safe for me.”

Rick looked up at the other version of himself, which was always always odd. Their eyes went back and forth. Huh. The Other Rick’s eyes  _ were _ a little darker. 

“I promise. I won’t keep it in the back pocket of my pants.”

They smiled at each other. Rick felt a warmth radiating off the Other Rick. He couldn’t describe what it was. He didn’t know the word. 

They stood up and walked back over to Negan and Dale. The four of them walked to the edge of the field, to the posts that marked the entrance. Rick realized for the first time that the sky wasn’t dark. It was daylight in the field. He didn’t know the significance. 

“You’re going to wake up soon.” The Other Rick said. 

Negan gave a deep breath and they embraced. The Other Rick gave him a kiss on the cheek. 

“When are you going to see me?” The Other Rick asked him. 

“In those happy moments.” Negan said, a weak smile on his face, tears in his eyes. Rick felt tears coming out of his eyes too. 

“I love you.” The Other Rick said, giving him another hug. 

“I love you too. You know how much.” Negan said.

“I do.”

They stepped away. 

“Take care of him for me.” The Other Rick said as he hugged Rick. 

“If he’ll let me.” Rick replied, and he didn’t care if Negan heard. 

They hung at the entrance for a second, lingering on the sight. Rick was shocked when he felt Negan taking his hand in his. 

“You ready?” He asked, looking down at Rick. 

“Yeah,” Rick said, “I’m ready.”

They looked back over at the Other Rick. He had a huge smile on his face and wet eyes. 

“Goodbye hon.” Negan said, the word sounding confident and full of everything he had ever hoped to convey. 

“Bye love.” The Other Rick said. 

And as they stepped out of the field, the sun casting orange shadows, Rick figured out what the warmth coming from the Other Rick was. It was the same thing flowing inside him right now. And maybe in Negan too. 

It was peace. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you all enjoyed this chapter <3 Can I say this is the least angsty chapter yet? Jesus CHRIST. It only took 70k but I think we're finally out of the darker parts of this story. Tbh this was another personal chapter for me so I hope it's okay <3 Thank you for reading and sticking through this story with me! Also 8k makes this the longest chapter yet! 
> 
> ALSO I've had this plot with the monster and going in to get the Other Rick planned for a while, I know it's weird AF, but I hope it wasn't TOO weird lol. You can at least say no other story has been this strange haha. Oh, and I hope it's not too spiritual lol, I'm trying to keep these supernatural forces vague and open lol. 
> 
> This story has just become a huge cathartic work for me. Thank you for letting me do that. 
> 
> I'm excited for where this story still has to go!
> 
> <333
> 
> ALSO. The line "there is still time" is something one of my readers said to me after Chapter 14 (or whatever that SUPER HEAVY chapter was) and it stuck with me SO much. So it was very healing to include it. The amount of love yall have shown me when you dont even know me or really know what I'm going through is unreal. So if you're reading this and you told me that, thank you <3 I'm still thinking about it.


	20. Swimming Pool Blue

Rick opened his eyes, he was lying on his back on the floor of Morgan’s office. It had only been three hours in the regular world. He didn't know how it worked, it didn't matter. His hand was still clasped to Negan’s, and he turned his head and watched as Negan opened his eyes too. Negan turned and made eye contact with him, Rick thought his gaze looked warm.

“Were you successful?” Morgan asked.

They sat up and stretched.

“Yeah we were.” Rick said, feeling a weight fall of his shoulders.

“Good.” Morgan said, “You were stirring enough, I was afraid it wasn't working.”

“It did.” Negan said, and Rick found that Negan had taken his hand again and was holding it tight.

They left the office and got into Lucille, sitting there for a while in silence. A warmth descended in the car.

“I feel...good.” Negan said. “I feel okay.”

“Me too.” Rick said.

“And I don’t know how long it will last.” Negan said slowly. “But for now, it’s enough.”

Rick turned and looked out the windshield.

“Yeah, same here.”

“Let's go home.”

When Rick walked through the doors of the house, it almost felt like for the first time. Something was different, and Rick realized it was Negan’s energy. It changed. It was no longer hostile. Rick watched Negan sit on the couch and look through his phone.

“Do you want to go to dinner tomorrow?” Negan asked suddenly.

“Uh, yeah.” Rick said. “Sure.”

“Great.” Negan looked back at his phone.

Rick didn’t know how to feel. Was that a date? Was this happening already?

“ _COO COO, COO COO, COO COO._ ”

Rick and Negan jumped.

“Fuck!” Negan cried. “That damn coo coo clock hasn’t worked in months.”

“W-What?” Rick turned and looked at the clock on the wall.

“It’s light sensitive. But it hasn’t worked since before…” Negan trailed off.

For Rick, the little bird in the clock just felt like a reminder. He wasn’t exactly out of the woods yet, he had taken care of the Other Rick. Now he had to take care of himself.

“I think Judith’s bus is here...” Negan said, looking up from his phone, his eyes met Rick’s, his mouth half open, like he had more to say. Rick felt that butterfly like feeling rising in his body again.

Why couldn’t it be easy?

They opened the front door just as Judith was getting off of the bus. She looked extra tired.

“Hey hunny,” Negan said, kneeling down, “You had a big day?”

“Uh-huh.” Judith said, rubbing her eyes. “We went to the farm!”

“Oh that’s right.” Negan grinned. “Did you have fun?”

“Yes!” Judith said, perking up for a moment. “A cow licked my hand.”

“Wow!” Rick said. “What else did you do?”

“We ran around in the field.” Judith said.

Negan and Rick looked at each other, a small knowing smile crossing both their faces at how odd it was that their daughter was in the same field as them. In a way.

Rick felt an anvil falling down to his stomach as he thought about Judith as _their_ daughter. But she was, wasn’t she?

“Are you ready for a big nap?” Rick asked, picking Judith up.

“Yeah.” Judith said, sleep on her voice already. “Can you read me a story?”

“Of course.”

“Can you both do the voices?” She asked. “Can I sleep in your room?”

“Whoa whoa hunny.” Negan said. “One question at a time. Yes we can arrange all of that.”

They walked upstairs to the master bedroom, and got into the bed, Judith in between them.

“What story do you want?” Negan asked.

“How about a brand new one?” Rick asked.

“Yeah!” Judith said. “What kind?”

“An adventure.” Rick said.

“With who?”

“Two princes.” Negan said. “And a magical world.”

Judith settled in and looked at them intently, waiting for them to continue.

“Once upon a time,” Rick started, “There was a prince who lived in a dangerous kingdom. One day, he rode his horse through the forest, until he arrived at another kingdom. This kingdom was safe, but it had a prince who had been known to do bad things.”

Negan shot Rick an amused glance.

“The prince hid out for a while in the kingdom, but eventually the second prince, Prince Porcupine-

“Prince Porcupine?” Negan sputtered.

“Yeah.” Rick said bluntly. “Prince Porcupine.”

“Keep going!” Judith squealed.

“Prince Porcupine found out that the other prince had-

“Prince Fawn.” Negan said.

“Prince Fawn?” Rick asked.

“What’s a fawn?” Judith asked.

“It’s a baby deer.” Negan said.

“OH!! CUTE!!” Judith cried.

Rick watched as Negan slid his tongue in between his teeth, a sheepish grin spreading across his face.

“Ok.” Rick said. “Prince Porcupine found out that Prince Fawn was hiding in his kingdom. It upset him a lot, because he used to know a different Prince Fawn.”

“What happened to that one?” Judith asked.

“He lost a battle with a large and powerful dragon.” Negan murmured.

“Oh no!” Judith said.

“But,” Negan continued, “Prince Porcupine realized he had to work with the new Prince Fawn, because the world was becoming dangerous.”

“And a Wizard showed up in the kingdom,” Rick said, “To tell Prince Fawn that the other Deer Prince was in danger in a magical realm.”

“What’s a realm?”

“Another world.” Negan said.

“So with the help of magic, Prince Fawn and Prince Porcupine went to the magical world together to save the other Prince.”

“Did they?” Judith asked, wide-eyed.

“There was a scary monster hunting them down.” Negan said.

“But Prince Porcupine saved the day.” Rick said, meeting eyes with Negan.

“What happens next?”

“They have to take the other Prince Fawn to a magical field where he can rest with other fallen heroes.” Negan said. “So they take him there and say goodbye.”

“Is Prince Porcupine sad?” Judith asked.

“Very.” Negan said. “But he knows he’ll be okay.”

“What about the new Prince Fawn?”

“What about him?” Rick asked.

“Prince Porcupine can be with the new Prince Fawn and be happy and they can rule the kingdom together and maybe fix the other kingdom.” Judith said.

“Yeah,” Negan said slowly, “Yeah maybe.”

“And they can live happily ever after like Flynn and Rapunzel! Right?” Judith looked at them with wide eyes.

“How about we continue with this story another time and see what happens?” Rick said.

Judith yawned and closed her eyes. “Okay.”

Negan and Rick were lying with Judith in between them, their eyes meeting, mouths saying nothing as not to wake her. Negan’s expression was amusing, but also curious, like he wanted to ask Rick a thousand questions. Rick was glad he couldn’t. Their eyes tiptoed back and forth, before Rick finally pulled away and closed them. He felt himself falling asleep, being under hypnosis had been tiring stuff.

He drifted off.

“Yeah they’re asleep.” Judith’s voice said in Rick’s ear.

He opened his eyes, blinking a few times as his vision came together. Judith was holding Negan’s tablet in her hands, Carl’s face on the screen.

“Hey.” Rick mumbled. “What’s goin’ on?”

“Carl called!” Judith squealed.

Rick lifted up on his elbows and leaned over to say hi to Carl.

“How’s it going?” Rick asked.

“It’s going great.” Carl said.

Rick looked over and saw Negan was still fast asleep. He looked so peaceful and...what was the word? Tranquil? Or even better, tranquilized.

“Mm, what.” Negan muttered, opening his eyes. He yawned. “What’s happenin’?”

“Carl’s on!” Judith said.

“Hey buddy!” Negan said, leaning forward.

“Hey.” Carl said. “I just wanted to see how y’all were, apparently the answer is asleep.”

“We’ve had a long morning.” Negan said.

“Anything bad?” Carl asked.

“No.” Rick said. “How are your classes?”

“Actually I have to be at Astronomy in five minut-

“FIVE MINUTES?” Rick scoffed.

“Dad chill out Jesus.” Carl muttered. “It’s right dow-

“Just skip it.” Negan said. “What do you think Judith, think Carl should skip boring Astronomy?”

“YES!” Judith cried.

“ _No_.” Rick said sternly. “Carl you get your butt to class right now.”

“Negan stop trying to get me in trouble.” Carl said.

Negan held up his hands. “I’m just saying I skipped a lot of-

“ _No_.” Rick repeated. “Carl-

“ _I’m going Dad_.” Carl groaned. “I’ll talk to you guys later. Bye Judith!!”

“Bye Carl!!”

Carl hung up the video chat quickly and Judith started pressing other buttons on the tablet, investing herself in a game. Rick looked over at Negan.

“Nice one.” Rick said.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Negan sputtered.

“We can’t encourage Carl to skip a class! That we’re paying for!” Rick said.

Negan laughed. “Rick, skipping is healthy.”

“Skipping is healthy?”

“Yeah, in case you’ve forgotten over the years, work and school suck ass-

“BBZZTT!” Rick shouted, pointing his eyes at Judith lying down in between them.

“She’s distracted.” Negan said, a guilty smile on his face.

“What I’m saying is, going to work and going to school gets draining after a while.” Negan continued.

Rick sighed. “I get that. But I don’t think we should be telling him to skip.”

“Okay Grimes, I get it, you’re Officer Buzzkill.” Negan gave him a big stupid rabbit toothed grin, which left Rick defenseless, and all he could do was smile too.

The afternoon faded into the night, and when Judith was asleep, Rick and Negan both decided to go to bed early, still tired from their adventure.

“So,” Negan began when they settled under the covers, “What’s all this Prince Porcupine stuff?”

“What’s all this _Prince Fawn_ stuff?” Rick asked back.

“I’m pretty sure I fucking asked you first. Rude.” Negan said, a small smirk visible in the dark.

“Hey, I’m just trying to tell Judith a story.” Rick said. “Not my fault you hijacked it.”

“Oh _I_  hijacked it?’

“You’re the one that brought up two princes.” Rick reminded.

Negan relented. “Okay, fine. True. But that’s cause I’m not very creative. You’re the one calling me a porcupine. Which I resent.”

“Hey, it’s the truth.”

“How do you fuckin’ figure that one Grimes?”

Rick huffed a laugh. “Uh, you’re very defensive, you overcompensate-

“ _OVERCOMPENSATE?!”_ Negan cried. “ _Overcompensate for_ what _exactly?”_

Rick gave a nervous laugh. “I don’t mean it like _that_.”

“Uh-huh, uh-huh, okay Grimes, okay, go on, tell me more.”

“Well...as I was _saying_ , you know, you’re...domineering, you have a disagreeable personality-

“Wowww.”

“Can I continue?”

“Yes, please do.”

Rick sighed. “Underneath all your prickliness-

“So now I’m prickly.”

“Negan.”

“Ok sorry.”

“Underneath all the barbed wire, or...quills...you’re very sensitive. And soft. And...sweet.”

“Hm.”

“And you think I’m a fawn. A fawn.” Rick said.

Negan barked a laugh. “Oh Grimes. I _know_ you’re a fawn.”

“Not even a grown deer?”

“Nope.”

“A baby deer.”

“ _Yep_.”

“And why is that exactly?” Rick asked, resting on his elbows. Negan did the same, until they were both looking at each other, a foot apart.

Negan gave that throaty laugh before answering.

“You’re skittish, cautious, nervous, high-strung-

“This is all horrible!” Rick cried. “It’s not my fault I’m all of that!”

“I never said it was.” Negan scoffed. “And I never said those were necessarily bad either.”

“Alright,” Rick muttered, “Continue.”

“Okay, well, besides being those things, you’re also…” Negan looked around for the words before mumbling, “ _Beautiful and delicate_.”

“Beautiful? Delicate?” Rick laughed.

Negan rolled his eyes and groaned. “It’s not my fault your eyes are swimming pool blue Grimes. Jesus.”

Rick tried to suppress a shy and elated smile, but he wasn’t sure if he was successful.

“Anyway,” Negan said, “You asked why you were a fawn, so there it is.”

“Interesting.” Rick said.

“Yeah well, I don’t think I’m fucking overcompensating for anything.” Negan muttered.

Rick rolled over and started laughing. “You know the more you keep being bothered by that the more I’m likely to believe-

“Hey, you know I’m not fucking overcompensating.” Negan said, a sly grin on his face.

Rick blushed. “I mean, well, _that_ all happened so fast. I didn’t really...I don’t know...I couldn’t tell…”

Negan cracked up. “Shit Grimes, _you couldn’t tell_? That hurts.”

“I wasn’t paying much attention to that.” Rick mumbled.

They laid in silence for a minute, laughter fading out of the room.

“Today was a hell of a day.” Negan said eventually.

“Yeah it was.” Rick said. “I’m...sorry. I know it was hard to say goodbye.”

Negan sighed. “Yeah Grimes, it was. But at least I got to say goodbye at all, right? And now I know for sure he’s safe and sound and at peace and all that fucking jazz so…”

Silence again.

“Plus you were a fucking beast out there.” Negan said. “Like holy fuck. I would not have fucking messed with you in the ol zombie apocalypse, that’s for fucking sure.”

Rick couldn’t help but laugh bitterly.

“It’s kind of crazy...those guys were scared of you that fucking much that that monster turned into you...you must have _really_ been some kind of serious fucking badass motherfucker. I know you keep telling me, but shit.”

“At one time yeah.” Rick sighed.

“Still…” Negan gave a scared sounding whistle.

“Yeah, well, I’m sorry you got saddled with the version of me that’s, yknow, broken.” Rick said. “That’s a lot for you to handle. If I was still that guy, maybe I wouldn’t be so skittish, and cautious, and nervous.”

“Hey, _hey_ , what the fuck? ” Negan scoffed. “Jesus fuck Grimes. Don’t even say it like that. You’re not fucking broken, ok? You work perfectly fine, it’s not your fault your operating after some serious fucking trauma. Being in that forest today, that was fucking insanity, you had to do that shit for who knows how the fuck long. With all sorts of monsters. I get that I would have survived, technically, but I don’t know the fuck how. You’re a fucking...you’re just...you’re the strongest fucking person I’ve ever met in my goddamn life Grimes. I mean it.”

Rick was quiet.

“Besides,” Negan continued, “I kind of like having you around.”

Rick sighed, Negan always seemed so ready to pull him out of his bullshit. It was nice. But at the end of the day, he didn’t need Negan to _like_ having him around. He needed Negan to _love_ having him around.

The next afternoon Negan and Rick had taken Judith to Maggie and Glenn’s, who were going to watch her while they went to dinner. They started to walk down the street of the neighborhood. Negan had whipped up some sort of plan for them, and Rick had no idea what it was exactly.

“So why are we taking a bus?” Rick asked. “Why are walking twenty minutes _to_ the bus?”

“Exercise.” Negan said.

Rick huffed and followed Negan until they made it to the bus stop. They departed the bus in an old residential area.

“Where are we going?”

“Jesus Grimes. You hate surprises or something?”

“It's a surprise?”

They walked through an old neighborhood, the kind with brick townhomes connected to each other whose yards had short iron fences. Negan stopped in front of one of them.

“Hey! You made it!” A voice called from the porch. It was Beth.

“Where are we?” Rick asked.

“Daryl’s.” Negan grinned.

“We couldn't have drove?”

“Come on Grimes.” Negan huffed, and they met Beth on the porch. Negan went on ahead inside.

“You good?” Beth asked.

“I'm great.” Rick smiled. “I'll tell you all about it later.”

“What, after your ride or?”

Rick blinked.

“After my what?”

“Oh,” Beth said, “You know, what Negan and Daryl have been doing.”

“What are you-

“She's right out here.” Daryl’s voice said from inside.

“Great.” Returned Negan’s voice.

Before Rick could ponder why Negan needed to see Beth again, they were both leaving the house. Negan clapped a hand on Rick's shoulder and he was walking back down the path. Rick followed behind Beth and Daryl.

“What is that?” Rick asked when they were all standing at the sidewalk. It was the kind of neighborhood without driveways, so all the cars were parked on the side of the street. Rick hadn't noticed the bike. Or he did, and assumed it was Daryl’s.

“That's my new ride.” Negan grinned, and Rick looked at the motorcycle in front of him.

“How long has this been a thing?” He asked.

“Daryl hooked me up, I've been getting it custom built for the past month.”

“You didn't tell me?”

“Grimes. Surprise. Remember?”

“More like you didn't want to get in trouble.” Rick muttered.

“Chill out Grimes. It's okay. I got helmets for us.”

“ _Us?_ ”

Negan laughed. “Yeah. Us. What? You don't want to go for a ride?”

Negan picked up one of the helmets that was resting on the bike and pushed it into Rick's hands. He watched as Negan took the keys from Daryl and sat on the bike. Daryl started telling Negan all about the motorcycle.

“I can't believe this.” Rick muttered to Beth as Daryl and Negan kept talking.

“Rick.”

“What?”

Beth huffed. “Live a little. Now we can ride together.”

“I don't think that's gonna hap-

“Hey Grimes!” Negan barked. “Get on.”

Rick passed Beth a look, and she winked, which didn't reassure him at all. He put the helmet on his head and walked over to the motorcycle.

“Don't be a fucking baby.” Negan said.

“I'm not.” Rick growled, and he swung a leg over and got on behind Negan.

“Hang on.” Negan grinned.

Rick wrapped his arms around Negan’s torso and held on, for a moment he thought the barbed quills that were surely in Negan’s back would stab him right through the heart. But he wasn’t too worried, they had already done that after all. These days Rick often felt like he was walking around with Negan’s quills stuck through him, blood pouring slowly. Sometimes it didn’t feel all that painful.

Negan put his helmet on, revved the bike and they were off, riding down the street. Rick’s stomach did flips. He had never been on a motorcycle before. At least, that’s what he told himself the flips were from. In truth, Rick was trying not to let his feelings with Negan intermingle with feelings of hope. But he couldnt help it. Things felt different. But he knew they just felt friendly. There wasn’t anything else there, yet.

Negan was laughing, a pure laugh that warmed Rick’s heart. They turned out of the old neighborhood and headed down an old farm road, the sun casting golden light into the fields and forest around them. Rick found himself laughing too. His hands unclasped and slid to hold Negan’s sides.

He felt himself leaning back, fingers gripping into Negan’s waist, he laughed again. It just all felt good, and he didn’t know how long that would last, so he let himself enjoy it.

Negan pulled off and stopped the bike abruptly in front of one of the farms. The sun was starting to descend, and Negan took his helmet off and ran a hand through his hair. Rick did the same.

“What’s up?” Rick asked.

“Just wanted to check that out.” Negan said.

“Check what out?”

Negan flicked his head towards the field and the sun.

“That view.”

Rick looked out, they were silent for a moment.

“Beautiful, isn’t it?” Negan asked.

“Yeah,” Rick said, “it is.”

“I had to stop.” Negan said. “Cause yknow, this is one of those happy moments.”

Rick inhaled deeply. Yeah. It was.

Rick wasn’t sure how long they stood there, but at one point Negan turned his head and looked at Rick. Another one of those curious glances that made him wonder what was going on inside Negan’s head. But just as Rick thought he might have found the answer in his eyes, Negan was putting his helmet back on. And then they were going back to Daryl’s.

“How was it?” Daryl asked when they returned.

“Fucking amazing.” Negan said, parking the bike on the curb.

“Did you have fun?” Beth asked, smiling as Rick wobbled from dizziness.

“Y-Yeah.” Rick said.

“Good Grimes,” Negan said, “Cause we’re taking it home.”

“That’s fine with me.” Rick said, trying to mask how happy he was that he’d be riding with Negan again.

“Ok, who’s ready to eat?” Daryl asked.

“I’m fucking starving.” Negan said.

They walked inside Daryl’s house and headed to the small fenced in backyard, where some of Daryl’s friends and family were hanging out. Rick couldn’t believe his eyes when he saw Merle sitting on some lawn chairs with two women that Rick could swore were Saviors.

“That’s Laura and Arat.” Daryl said, pointing to them. “You know Merle.”

“They know _what_?” Merle called.

“They know YOU.” Daryl called back.

“ _What do you mean?_ ”

“ _I mean they know who you are already dumbass!”_ Daryl yelled.

“ _Are you calling me a dumbass?”_

“ _Just stay in your chair.”_

Rick couldn’t hide his laughter if he tried. He looked at Beth.

“I know right?” She smirked.

Daryl and Negan took over the grill, while Rick sat with Beth in a shady spot under an old tree.

“I’m really enjoying yknow...not being the provider.” Rick said.

“You deserve a break.” Beth said.

Rick took a deep breath.

“So…” he started. “We saved the Other Rick.”

“You did?” Beth asked.

“Yeah, he was stuck, he was supposed to go to this field to rest, but because of Dale, things got messed up. So he ended up just outside of it, but enough to be terrorized by some...monster. Negan ended up being the one to kill it. It was...amazing. He just destroyed it and saved us.”

Beth took the story in, asking questions about the forest and the field. Rick told her everything he could.  

“So what now? What about your hourglass thing?”

Righ sighed. “I have no idea. I still haven’t even told him about it. But...things are different now. He got to talk to the Other Rick, he got to have closure. That moment was just...you had to be there. And because of what we experienced there...I think...I think I might have a chance of…”

Rick didn’t know why felt embarrassed by it. But he did.

“I just feel like things are different now. I feel like my chances are the highest they’ve been. But I don’t want to force anything yknow?” Rick sighed. “I’d rather die again then only be staying here because I made someone love me. If he’s going to love me, I want it to come from him.”

“I understand.” Beth said. “I just wish we knew how much time you had.”

“I know.” Rick said. “Each day that passes brings me closer, and that’s all I know.”

Besides the ever present fear of what Rick could only think of as the inevitable, the night with Daryl and his friends was one of the best he had had since arriving here. He kept exchanging glances with Negan that he still couldn’t place, but he enjoyed every second that Negan’s looks were friendly. Throughout the small party, Rick found himself laughing more than ever, until it was finally time to call it a night.

“You ready to hang on again Grimes?” Negan asked when they had said goodbye and were walking to the curb.

“Let’s do it.” Rick said.

They got on the bike and Negan started to drive home. Rick hung on tight, and driving through the streets at night on the back of a motorcycle was something he never knew he needed. He felt alive, and for a moment it was like he and Negan were connected.

At home, Negan parked the bike at the curb, letting his feet rest on the pavement. They sat for a moment.

“You know, I wouldn’t have been mad about the motorcycle.” Rick said, his hands sliding off Negan and resting at his sides.. “It’s not really my decision…”

Negan laughed. “Well, I didn’t tell you about it. At all. So I wasn’t sure how you’d react.”

“I love it.” Rick said. “It’s...freeing.”

“Yeah it is.” Negan said.

“It really makes you feel alive.”

“Fuck. Yeah, it does.” Negan murmured.

Rick looked up at the sky, stars placed almost purposefully in the dark. He wondered if anyone was up there, it all seemed endless. Anything could be happening out there.  He wondered if the other worlds were out there, if the people from his world were looking up at the same sky. He felt his legs brushing against Negan’s, and couldn’t help but think about the Negan from his old home. What was he doing now? What was he doing to Rick’s family? How could this Negan be so different? Was he even that different, after all?

Rick knew the answer was no, he wasn’t, and maybe that was what had him so curious about the other man. If only he could have talked to him, based on what he knew know. But he would have to do what Dale had told him so long ago, and that was trust his people. They would take care of him. Rick exhaled deeply, letting those anxious thoughts catch on the wind and blow away.

Negan looked up too, and they both watched the stars reflecting down at them.

“Are we...good?” Rick asked after a while, peeling his gaze away from outer space and looking at the back of Negan’s head.

Negan looked forward and gave a sigh, but it sounded content. He said something that sent a chill down Rick’s spine, like someone had dragged a large match across the bones and sparked a flame. A flame of something hopeful, and different.

“ _Yeah_ _Rick_. We’re good.”

He said his name.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay! I hope you liked this, it's kind of the calm after the storm~


	21. Conversation(s) Part II

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay! I just had a bit of an ah-ha moment and am ready to roll into these next few chapters...hopefully lol.

As Rick lied in bed that night, he couldn’t believe that Negan had called him by his name. It was a step forward, one he didn’t think they would be taking anytime soon. Negan was already asleep next to him, whistling snores out his nose that Rick couldn’t help but smile at. He looked so peaceful too, and Rick couldn’t help but reflect on all the things that he loved about him. 

His dorky smile, not to be mistaken with the sly one he wore the most often. Either way, both were prime examples of the man’s rabbit toothed grin that made Rick weak and furious at the same time. His laugh, sometimes goofy, sometimes dark. He didn’t know how Negan did it, but the man was very good at taking on a variety of roles. One minute he was a gentle laughing puppy, the next he was a grinning hungry wolf. His eyes, deep brown, maybe a little green...the way his hair looked into the morning after sleeping, all tussled, sticking out over his forehead. Rick watched Negan’s hair now, his fingers almost aching to reach over and brush through it. 

Then there were all the things inside Negan, his scarred and shattered heart of gold, probably the most unexpected thing yet. But maybe it wasn’t, not really. Rick thought about the person he was before the apocalypse, soft and kind like the Other Rick. Suddenly Rick felt like if he were to reach out and brush his fingers through Negan’s hair, he’d infect him with all that poison. He didn’t know why it was so hard to let that go. If Rick could see this Negan for who he was, maybe Negan could do the same. 

“Rick?” Negan’s sleepy voice said beside him. 

“Mm?” Rick asked, looking over. 

“You awake?”

“Yeah.”

“How come?”

Rick sighed through his nose. “I guess I couldn’t sleep.”

Negan lifted himself up and looked at Rick. “You okay?”

Rick bit his bottom lip. “I’m…” Rick stopped. Fine? No, not  _ fine _ . “I’m not okay.”

Negan blinked and sat up. “What is it?”

Rick sat up as well, looking at his hands in his lap. “I feel like some kind of monster.”

“Rick…” Negan’s voice said, thick with concern. “Rick...you’re not.”

“I know. We’ve been over this a hundred times. It’s just so hard to shake.” Rick said, bringing his hands to his eyes. He peered out when he felt a hand on his knee. 

“Rick…” Negan said again.

“I just...I try...I try so hard to just be human.” Rick murmured. “But it’s so hard, it’s so hard to lay here and not feel all the horrible things I’ve ever done running through me.”

“Hey,” Negan said, “If that were true...if you really couldn’t be here, and fit in, and all of that, then you wouldn’t be here, right? I get that Dale is responsible for all of this, but you’re here. That means something.”

“But it doesn’t…” Rick whispered. “It doesn’t. It all makes sense now. That’s why it didn’t want me here. Because it’s just not going to work. I’m too fucked up for this one.”

“Okay slow down.” Negan said. “It doesn’t matter if whatever the fuck doesn’t want you here. You’re here. That’s the end of the fucking story.”

Rick put his hands down and stared at the sheets, trying to think if this was the moment to let Negan know what was going on, but water was rushing behind his eyes, and his throat was closing fast. 

“Come here.” Negan sighed, grabbing Rick’s shoulder and pulling him in. Rick didn’t have time to react before he was lying back down in Negan’s arms. “It’s going to be okay.”

“What are you…” 

“Cause next thing is is that you’re gonna start fucking shaking.” Negan said. “So just relax.”

Rick closed his eyes. “I’m  _ so  _ scared.”

“Of what?” Negan whispered. 

“Of not being able to do this.” Rick whispered back. 

Rick felt Negan’s hold on him tighten, and he wanted to break down right then and there. The man he needed to love him didn’t love him, but he was holding him in his arms anyway and that felt too much like hope and despair all rolled into one crushing feeling. All Rick wanted to do was pull away, reach the other end of the bed and stay there, but as much as he couldn’t bear this moment, he was in desperate need for it. He just needed someone to hold him and tell him it was all going to be fine. But the irony of it was just a killer. 

“It’s going to be okay.” Negan said. “Just sleep.”

Rick felt his breathing evening out, his thoughts growing hazy, until he was falling asleep. 

When Rick opened his eyes, he almost wanted to jump out of the bed, this wasn’t his room. He didn’t know where he was. A smaller room, cozier, a place in a dream. Suddenly it occurred to Rick that he was dreaming, and the panic dissipated. He got out of the bed and looked out the large window, he thought he could make out a lake, but he wasn’t sure. Moonlight streamed into the room, and when Rick turned around, he saw a shadowed figure standing by the bedroom doorway. 

The figure stepped forward, and Rick breathed a sigh of relief when he realized it  _ was  _ Negan. 

Rick blinked, and suddenly he was back in the bed. He didn’t know when he got back there or how, just a product of dreaming, but Negan was there too. Rick felt a lurch in his stomach when he thought about his nightmare so long ago. But then Negan’s mouth was on his, and he couldn’t care. He didn’t know how long they kissed, keeping track of time in a dream was impossible, but it felt like forever. 

“Let’s go swimming.” Negan said in his ear. 

Rick furrowed his brows. “What?”

“Let’s go swimming. There’s a pool.” His voice sounded far away. 

“Wait…”

“It’s going to be really fucking cool. I promise.” 

Rick couldn’t see anymore, but he could feel the pressure of water all around him, out of nowhere. 

“What did I say?” Negan’s voice said. “Pretty cool huh?”

Rick felt like Negan was too far away now, somewhere above the surface, calling out to him from a different life. 

“So how come you kissed me huh?” Negan’s voice said. 

“What?” Rick called, swiping his hands out to try and reach the surface. 

“I don’t know.” Rick’s voice said somewhere far off. 

“HEY!” Rick called, panicking now, the water rushing all around him. 

“ _ It felt right. _ ” His voice said, and he could swear he saw two figures suspended above him. 

“WAIT!” Rick called, but he was just being pulled down, until he was waking up again. 

This time he was back in his real bed, but something felt off. He knew what it was when Negan started kissing him again. 

“You know,” Negan said, “If we pretend just a little, it's like this is our cabin in Virginia.”

“What?” Rick asked, “What are you…”

“Yeah.” Negan’s voice said, far away again. “I bet you will.”

Rick closed his eyes, unable to process where all these voices were coming from. 

_ I’m so in love with you. _

When Rick opened his eyes again, he knew he was finally, actually, awake. He breathed a sigh of relief, and looked down to see Negan’s arms wrapped around his waist. 

What the fuck was all that? 

It was Negan’s voice, and Rick’s voice, but there had been so many all talking at once. Where had they come from? Were any of them real? 

“Hey,” Negan murmured, “You ok?”

“Y-yeah.” Rick said. “Just had a...strange dream.”

“Mm...everything cool?”

“I...did you have any dreams?” Rick asked, wondering if they were still connected. 

“No.” Negan said. “None.”

Rick sighed. It would just remain a mystery then. Rick couldn’t help but feel like he had dipped his foot in something beyond his own imagination, and in ways he hated it. He felt like he was standing at the place where a bunch of worlds intersected, but not belonging to any of them. He just wanted to be in this one, secure and anchored. But he knew that wouldn’t happen until he got Negan to love him. 

Rick got out of the bed, swaying to the side as he stood.

“Hey, are you alright?” Negan asked.

“I just feel a little dizzy.”

“Then maybe you should lie back down.” Negan said, getting out and stepping over to Rick.

“I just feel...like I'm…”

“Like you're what?” Negan asked, holding Rick under the arm.

“Like maybe I'm gonna fade away.” Rick said, suddenly wondering if all those visions in his dream were because he was about to be pulled out of this life for good.

“What do you mean?” Negan asked.

Rick took a deep breath. Now had to be the time.

Before Rick could tell Negan everything he knew, the fire alarm went off, making them both jump ten feet in the air.

“Holy fuck!” Negan shouted, and they ran out into the hallway, locating the alarm as the one directly outside of their room. 

Judith came running out of her bedroom, and Rick knelt down just as she grabbed onto him.

“It's ok,” Rick crooned, “Its okay. It's just the fire alarm.”

“It's scary!” Judith cried.

“I know, but Papa is taking care of it.”

Rick looked up to watch as Negan stood on tiptoes and turned off the alarm.

“Probably needs new batteries.” Negan said. 

“Is there a fire?” Judith asked.

“No, sometimes it just goes off.” Negan explained.

“Can I sleep in your room?” Judith asked.

“Of course.” Rick said, picking her up. They settled back into bed, Rick keeping a protective arm around Judith. He could feel Negan's hand grazing his knuckles as they all went back to sleep.

But he couldn’t shake the dreams. Or the visions. Or whatever they were. Snapshots of various lives...but none of them  _ his _ . The fear of his mortality was coursing through him, the unknown of when it would happen constantly scratching at the backdoor of his mind. He needed to figure this out, fast. 

When Rick woke up in the morning, he was alone. Negan must have sent Judith off to school, letting Rick sleep in. He rubbed his eyes and walked down the stairs, and he was about to check where Negan was when there was a knock on the door. 

Rick walked over to the front door and answered it, surprised to see his brother Jeffrey standing there with a nervous look on his face. 

“Hey,” Rick said, “What are you doing here?”

“Hey Rick!” Jeffrey smiled. “Can I...come in?”

“Sure…” Rick said, opening the door wider for his brother. 

Jeffrey walked in, wringing his hands together nervously. 

“What’s going on?” Rick asked. He really didn’t need any family drama right now. 

“You know that girl I met in Spain?” Jeffrey asked. 

Rick thought for a moment. “Uh yeah, yeah.”

“Well…” Jeffrey took a deep breath. “We’re getting married.”

_ “What?” _

“Yeah.” Jeffrey breathed. “Yeah. We’re getting married.” He let out a small laugh. 

Rick closed his eyes. “Wh-wh-what do you mean you’re marrying that girl from Spain?”

“She’s not  _ from  _ Spain, she’s from North Dakota.”

“She’s from North Dakota…”

“Yeah. She’s been home for months. We’ve been yknow, videochatting and stuff.”

“Video…” Rick sighed. “Jeffrey...does this seem like a good idea?”

Jeffrey stood there awkwardly for a moment. “Yes? It’s what we want to do.”

“I get that but...that’s very sudden isn’t it?” Rick asked. 

“Hey Jeff!” Negan said, appearing from the basement. 

“Hey Negan.” Jeffrey said. 

“Jeffrey is getting married.” Rick said bluntly. 

“Oh shit, you are? To that Spain girl?”

“She’s from North Dakota.” Rick said. 

“Oh, nice.” Negan said. “Congratulations.” 

Rick watched Negan walk over to Jeffrey and shake his hand. 

“Negan…” Rick said. “Don’t you think this is kind of…”

“God Rick!” Jeffrey interrupted. “This is my life! I don’t tell you what to do with yours do I?”

_ “Jeffrey- _

“No! Listen to me! I love her Rick.” Jeffrey said. “And I don’t want to waste any time.”

Rick closed his mouth and sighed. “Alright. Alright. Fine. I trust you.”

“You do?” 

“Yeah I do.” Rick said. 

“Ok…” Jeffrey said. “In that case, I came by to tell you because I just wanted to say...that I know you two are engaged and all...and you were before me and Claudia so...we don’t want to pick the date if it’s going to interfere with you guys’ wedding.”

Rick looked over at Negan just in time to see him giving an awkward look. 

“Oh,” Rick said, “Well-

“We don’t want to step on your toes!” Jeffrey said. 

“Yeah,” Rick said, “I don’t think you have to worry about that, we’re still in the early stages of planning…”

“Oh yeah,” Negan said, “Yeah we still got a lot to figure out.”

“When were you thinking?” Rick asked. “Of getting married?’

“In like, a month.” Jeffrey said. 

“A month? When did you get engaged?” Rick asked. 

“Last night.”

“Last…”

Rick felt all his older sibling rage boiling through his body. 

“That’s  _ great _ Jeffrey. And it won’t interfere with us  _ at all _ . You’re good.” Negan said, as though he could sense Rick’s tension. 

“Awesome.” Jeffrey said. “Rick, will you be my best man?”

Rick felt Negan’s hand on his lower back, his fingers pressing into him as though telling him to just play nice. 

“Of course.” Rick relented. 

“Thanks bro!” Jeffrey said. “I’ll send you all the details when I get them.”

Rick couldn’t help but snort, but he hugged his brother anyway. 

“And sorry that we’re getting married so soon, it’s just you guys are taking forever…” Jeffrey smiled sheepishly. 

“Yeah, it’s fine.” Negan grinned. 

“Great. I’m going to go tell Claudia now. I’ll see you guys later!” Jeffrey gave another quick hug to Rick and ran out of the front door. 

Rick gave a deep, aggravated sigh. 

_ “Rickkkk….” _ Negan said slowly. 

“He’s getting married to a girl he met in Spain.” Rick muttered. 

Negan laughed. “Rick. Just let him do it.”

“I know. I know. But still. What the fuck.”

“If it’s a mistake, you have to let him make it.”

“I know.” Rick said again. “I shouldn’t be mad at all. He was still in Spain when I woke up the first time from my coma. I should be happy he’s here, and thrilled he’s getting married, but…”

“But you’re an older brother.” Negan said. 

Rick huffed a laugh. “Yeah.”

“Besides, I’m sure your parents are gonna have a lot to fucking say about this themselves.”

“True.” Rick said. 

“And it’ll get everyone off our backs about our wedding for a while.” Negan murmured. 

“Oh. Yeah.” Rick said, and he remembered they were technically married. 

Rick turned to Negan. “How was your wedding?”

Negan blinked. “Well it was...it was nice.” He said. “I mean it wasn’t exactly a wedding but...it was nice.”

“Negan Grimes.” Rick said. 

Negan laughed. “Yeah well...I liked it more than my last name, and it didn’t make sense with the kids...it was just fucking easier for me to change mine. If I wanted to. Which I did.”

A few seconds of silence went by. 

“Hey you better get ready, your retirement party is today.” Negan said. 

“Shit.” 

“I know. I forgot about it too. But Maggie is going to be here to get Judith when she comes home.”

Rick went back up to their room to get ready. He had talked to Shane briefly since their exchange in the car, but things were getting back to normal between them. He just needed everyone to calm down so he could figure out his own shit. Then everyone else could come to him with their problems. 

Negan drove them to the retirement party in Lucille. It was being held at a banquet hall, which definitely embarrassed Rick. He thought it would just be at the station, but now it had become a larger daytime event. 

“I hate being the center of attention.” Rick said as they pulled up. 

“Says the leader of an entire group of people.” Negan mused. 

“Never said I loved that.” Rick mumbled. 

“Don’t worry Rick. If you need me, I’ll be next to you the whole time.”

Rick looked over at Negan. 

“Really?”

“Of course. Besides, some of those people you definitely don’t know, so I’ll have to nudge you along in the right direction.” Negan gave him a small smile. 

Rick took a deep breath. 

“So what do you say hotshot?” Negan asked. 

“Let’s go in.” Rick said. 

“It won’t be nearly as bad as you think.” Negan assured. 

They stepped out of Lucille and began to walk inside. 

“I just feel like I’m taking credit for a job I didn’t even do.” Rick said. 

“Hey, I guess that’s part of the deal now isn’t it?” 

Rick sighed. “Yeah I guess so.” 

Now if only he’d tell Negan about the _ other  _ part of the deal. 

Inside was a large banquet room, with a buffet and round tables that already sat the guests. People were milling about, and Shane was looking around expectantly before his eyes locked on Rick. 

“Hey Rick!” he called. 

Rick waved and felt Negan’s hand on his lower back again, nudging him forward into the small sea of people. They said hello and then Shane was getting up on a small platform and taking a microphone in his hand, beginning a speech about Rick and his career. 

Rick looked around when the lights dimmed, and then a projector was turning on, displaying photos of the Other Rick on the job throughout the years. People kept coming up to share memories, and Rick couldn’t help but think about how these people were giving eulogies and didn’t even know it. 

He was shocked when Negan brushed past him to stand up on the platform. A woman handed him the mic and stepped off. 

“Where do I start with this one?” Negan mused, and the crowd laughed. 

Rick stared. 

“I never told him,” Negan started, “But his job stressed me the fuck out. I always fucking worried sick about him. He always said not to worry. I told him one day his confidence would kick him right in the ass. It did.”

“But we’re not going to talk about that,” Negan continued, clearing his throat, “We’re going to talk about the fucking hilarious shit this man,” he pointed to the screen, “Put me through.” 

Rick watched as Negan launched into stories about the Other Rick, coming home late, Judith trying to flush his handcuffs down the toilet, busting Carl at a party, all the things Negan witnessed as the significant other of a Sheriff’s Deputy. 

“And he was always calm about it.” Negan finished. “Always. He was gentle with everybody. Concerned. Caring. And the job never took that away. Ever.”

Everybody clapped, Rick realized midway that he was clapping too. He had listened and watched as the career of the Other Rick played out before him. It was a lot like his own. And now he was put to rest. It almost felt nice, letting everyone share their stories, even if they didn’t know the true significance. They were saying goodbye to his career, but it was more than that. 

When Negan stepped off, the Chief stood up to give the last speech. Rick remembered him. But as he was paying attention, he felt a tap on his shoulder. 

He turned.

“You know,” Negan murmured, looking from Rick to the photos on the projector, “It is kind of crazy how ridiculously blue your eyes are. Compared to his.”

Rick looked at the photos on the screen. He didn’t understand it, this body wasn’t his, so why were his eyes the same color as his previous body’s? 

As if Negan could tell what Rick was thinking, he huffed a laugh out his nose. 

“Isn’t the soul in the eyes?” Negan asked. 

“The eyes are the window to the soul.” Rick quoted. 

“Ah, right. Yeah. That. Makes sense right?”

“Yeah…” Rick murmured, and he thought maybe he was imagining the way Negan’s gaze lingered. 

When they got home they sat on the porch, Judith played in the yard. Maggie had said goodbye and returned to her house. 

“I’m sorry if that was hard for you.” Rick said. 

“It wasn’t.” Negan said. “It felt really good to talk about him actually. It was nice. I’m good Rick.”

“Okay.” Rick said slowly. He stared out into the yard, trying to believe that the man next to him had no resentment. 

Rick nearly jumped when he turned to look at Negan, only to find him staring at him. 

“What?” Rick asked nervously. 

“Nothing.” Negan said, turning his head. “You’re beard is getting a little long.”

“Oh,” Rick said, “Yeah. I should trim it.”

“No I li…” Negan started, he closed his mouth. 

“What?”

“Judith. She likes it. You look rugged.”

“She said that?” Rick smiled. 

“Yeah.” Negan cleared his throat. “She did.”

“Huh. Well. Anything for her.” 

“Good.” Negan said. 

“Did she say anything else?” Rick asked, and he had never waited for an answer so impatiently.

“Hm,” Negan said, he got up and opened the screen door, “No.”

Rick stared down at his feet as he heard the screen door close. He didn’t know what to make of all that. He couldn’t tell if it was just his wishful thinking letting him believe there had been something there. 

The next week went by faster than Rick had wanted to. He felt like he hadn’t moved forward all that much with Negan. Things were still getting better, they were laughing more, talking more, but there was no mutual spark yet. None that Rick could see, anyway. Sometimes he’d catch Negan staring at him though, and he’d look away, but that could mean a variety of things, and Rick didn’t want to assume anything. 

Rick was lying on the couch in the sunroom when he felt it. A tingling all through his body that he couldn’t figure out. It felt like he would start shaking at any minute, and then he did start to shake. He laid there, this had to be anxiety of some kind, right? Rick stood up, the shaking tingling feeling was present in all his limbs, and he couldn’t rub it away or feel it. What was going on?

He tried not to panic, but this feeling was entirely foreign to him. He couldn’t remember if he had felt it before. The last time he remembered feeling this sort of shaking sensation was during his horrible illness back in the apocalypse. But this couldn’t be that. 

“Negan?” Rick called faintly. 

“Yeah?” 

Negan appeared in the archway of the sunroom. 

“What’s up?”

“I feel weird.” Rick said, swaying and falling back onto the couch. “I can’t explain it. I feel weird.”

“Hey you’re ok.” Negan said, walking over. “What’s going on?”

“My entire body is tingling.” Rick said. 

“It’s tingling?” 

_ “Well I don’t know the word for it.” _ Rick said. “I feel like I’m shaking.”

“Come into the living room and sit on the couch in there.” Negan said. 

Rick stood up and followed Negan to the living room couch.

“Do you feel dizzy?” Negan asked. 

“A little bit.” Rick said. “I feel like I’m shaking.”

“You said that already.” 

“I know but that’s all I feel! It won’t go away!” Rick cried.  

“Ok Rick calm down.” Negan said. “Just tell-

“I think it’s happening now.” Rick breathed. The tingling in his body wasn’t going away, if anything it was getting worse. He could no longer ignore it, it was like it was screaming in his body, causing him to shiver. 

“What’s happening now?” Negan asked. 

Rick felt his throat closing up, panic sweeping in. Was this it? Just a bunch of tingling and then…?

“Negan I’m sorry.” Rick said. 

“Sorry about what?”

“Dale wasn’t supposed to pull me here and now the universe or whatever is going to try and make things right, and that means taking me away.” Rick blurted out. 

“Rick...what are you talking about?” Negan asked, kneeling down beside him. 

Rick sighed. “I meant to tell you. I meant to tell you way earlier…” Rick’s voice was shaky. “B-but now...now I think it’s happening. My hourglass is running out.”

“What hourglass?” Negan asked, just trying to understand. 

“The timer!” Rick said. 

Negan left the room. 

“Where are you going!?” Rick called, panic in his voice. He didn’t want to be alone. 

Negan returned and pressed a button on a small device. 

“Open your mouth.” He said. 

Rick opened his mouth and Negan was putting a thermometer under his tongue. They waited in silence until it beeped. 

“Yep. There it is. 100.7. You’re getting a fever hotshot.” Negan said, wiping the thermometer on his shirt. 

“A…” Rick furrowed his brow. “A fever?”

“That’s what it looks like. Unless you want me to stick this up your ass too and double check.”

Negan gave him a big rabbit toothed grin that Rick didn’t appreciate at the moment. 

“A fever, yeah,” Rick said, “That’s what it  _ looks _ like.”

“Rick. What exactly do you think is happening? Do you think you’re dying?” Negan said, his tone still not as serious as Rick would like. 

“Well...yeah.” Rick said. 

“And why exactly do you think that again?”

“Because I’m running out of time to make things right here.” Rick said. 

Negan sat down next to him. “And what would...here lie down...what would make things right?”

Rick stared up at the ceiling, his head resting on a pillow. 

“Do you really want to know?” Rick asked. 

“Yeah I do.” Negan said. “Is this what has you so worried?”

“Yeah.”

“Tell me.”

Rick took a deep breath. 

“Look. Whatever is in charge or whatever...I don’t know...whatever it is...it’s pissed that Dale brought me here. That wasn’t supposed to happen. In fact it’s such a royal fuck up that if things don’t get back to normal, I’m gonna die.”

Negan didn’t say anything. At this point, after all they had been through, he knew Rick was being serious. 

“How do we stop that?” Negan asked, his tone low and determined. 

Rick closed his eyes and laughed. 

“Rick…”

“Sorry it’s just.” Rick took another deep breath. “It’s ridiculous.”

“Tell me.” Negan said, his hand going to rest on Rick’s knee. 

Rick exhaled, shaky and nervous. 

_ “You have to love me.” _

The sentence seemed to manifest itself between them, like a person, equally faceted and complex, unmovable. It just sat there. Maybe it stared, maybe it laughed. Maybe it cried. But then it was gone, and there was only Rick, Negan, and the blank space between them that suddenly stretched on and on. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yikers. There it is. Out in the open. Finally. LMAO. 
> 
> The dream sequence was really fun to write. All of those lines are lines from my other fics...or are upcoming lines in future fics...because I'm that much of a little doucher LOL. I just LOVE the idea of all these universes being connected somehow. Kind of that quote thats like “And I’d choose you; in a hundred lifetimes, in a hundred worlds, in any version of reality, I’d find you and I’d choose you.” I LOVE that quote and think about it all the time when I'm writing these fics. And our Rick is sort of not tethered yet, so he's getting alternate universe whiplash lol. 
> 
> Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this chapter! <3


	22. Trials and Tribulations

Rick closed his eyes, he felt like for a moment maybe he could drift away, right then and there, and he wouldn’t have to explain to Negan what was going on. He would just disappear quietly, like he hadn’t been there at all. Maybe he could forget it too.

“Rick…” Negan said. “What do you mean?”

Rick opened his eyes, his body still shaking from whatever was happening. 

“It needs you to love me.”

“I do love you.” Negan said. 

Rick smiled weakly. “No, not like that. It needs you to be  _ in _ love with me. The way you were with Lucille, and your Rick…”

“It...it expects that?” Negan asked. 

The look on his face was pained. 

“Yeah it does.” Rick sighed. 

Negan looked down at his hands. 

“Well fuck Rick, I…”

“I know.” Rick said. 

“How long have you known about that?”

Rick looked up at the ceiling. “God...a while. A long while...I feel cold.”

Negan grabbed a blanket and placed it on Rick. “You have a fever. That’s all.”

“I don’t know about that.” Rick murmured. 

“You do.” Negan said sternly. “Stop. You’re not dying.”

“Negan…” Rick sighed. “I’m sorry.”

“Well what does it need? A wedding? A kiss? What?”

Rick closed his eyes. “I don’t know, I think it’s just going to know. There’s no way to trick it.”

Rick laughed.

“What?” Negan asked. “Morbid sense of humor all of a sudden?”

“No it’s just…when I found out...I thought it was  _ me _ that was going to have to find a way to love  _ you _ .”

Negan furrowed his brow. 

“But now it’s…” Rick gave a deep sigh, feeling himself drifting off from dizziness. 

“Rick?” 

“Rick?”

Rick opened his eyes. At this point, he was getting far too used to waking up in unfamiliar places, but this wasn’t an unfamiliar place. Not really. 

He was in the RV, sunlight streaming in through the open windows. He could see the wheat blowing gently below, brushing against the side of the RV. It was late afternoon. Rick was starting to think it might always be late afternoon here. Dale was sitting at the table, playing cards. Rick joined him. 

“Dale.”

“Hey Rick.”

Rick tapped his fingers on the small table. 

“So,” Rick sighed, watching Dale shuffle the cards, “It’s finally over then?”

Dale smiled. “Not quite.”

“Look.” Rick said bluntly. “Just let me die already, I can’t take this bullshit anymore.”

“You’re not dying Rick.”

“It’s bad enough y’all are doing this to Negan and my kids again but just let me fucking go if that’s where this is-

“You’re not dying Rick.”

“I’m…” Rick sighed. “What?”

“You have a fever. Calm down.” Dale said, looking up from the cards to stare Rick in the face.

Rick closed his eyes. “You’re joking.”

“I’m not. You got it from being at Judith’s kindergarten.” Dale smiled. “It is flu season after all.”

Rick groaned and put his head in his hands. “This is a fucking nightmare.”

Dale laughed. “I know. 

“Thanks for disappearing by the way.” Rick muttered. 

“You were mad at me.” Dale said.

“Of course I was mad at you! Doesn’t mean you just get to go all silent on me.”

“Sorry.” Dale said. “You’re not the only man in the universe you know.”

“Well I hope for the love of fuck I’m the only one you’ve royally screwed over like this.”

Dale gave a smile. “You never used to talk like that. Negan’s influence?”

Rick smirked. “Stop. I mean it.”

“You’re a special case, Rick.”

Rick snorted. “Ain’t that the fucking truth.”

Dale only smiled at him. 

“So I told him and he didn’t even need to know.” Rick murmured.

“You know you wanted to tell him.”

“I did but...maybe if I was actually fucking dying. I’ve ruined my chance now.”

Dale shook his head. “Stop it Rick. You’re being dramatic.”

_ “I’m being dramatic?” _ Rick scoffed.  _ “I’m dying Dale. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but I’m dying. And the only thing that’s going to save me is if Negan fucking loves me. So don’t tell me I’m being dramatic.” _

“In the meantime,” Dale said, ignoring Rick’s temper, “Let’s take a look here.”

Rick looked down at the cards in Dale’s hands, only to find they weren’t playing cards at all.

“What are those?” Rick asked.

“Tarot cards.”

“Tarot cards?”

“Yeah, to tell your future.”

“I don’t think I need cards to tell me my future.” Rick said. 

“Just shuffle these.” Dale said, handing the stack over to Rick. 

Rick took them and shuffled. 

“Now cut the deck.”

Rick did as he was told. 

“Pick which stack you want to use, and, think about what you want to know.”

Rick picked the left. All he wanted to know was what he had to do to stay. 

Dale took the stack and set down five cards. He lifted up the first one, then the next, until they were all facing up, save for the last card. 

Rick peered over.

“The Empress?” Rick asked, looking at the first card. 

“Yes.” Dale said. 

“What does that mean?”

“Abundance, fertility.”

“And that applies to me how?”

“Take another look.” Dale said. 

Rick looked at the card. “Is that…” He looked at the drawing on the card. A young brunette woman was standing with her hands over her stomach. “Is that Maggie?”

Dale shrugged. 

Rick picked up the second card, it featured a drawing of a man with unkempt brown hair and a small scowl. “The Hermit...Daryl.”

Rick didn’t wait for Dale, he looked at the third card. He recognized himself. 

“The Lovers? Is this me and-

Rick noticed that the other person in the drawing was a woman with blonde hair. “Wait, that’s not me. That’s my brother Jeffrey.”

Fourth card. Rick drew in a sharp breath. “The Devil…”

He looked closely at the drawing. 

“I can’t.” Rick said, looking up at Dale.

“Yes you can.”

Rick looked back down at the card in his hand. “What are these? Trials? I have to help these people or something?”

“Remember what we talked about?” Dale asked. “About how you take care of people, but it felt like they were taking care of you?”

“I haven’t even seen The Governor.” Rick said, giving an angry laugh and letting the card smack down onto the table. “And I’m supposed to help him?”

Dale chuckled. “You love a worse man.”

Rick sat back and closed his eyes. “I know.”

“The Devil…” Dale said. “Can mean destructive behaviors, addiction. Don’t take it for face value.”

Rick looked back at the card. “Hardest for last I bet. Well. Second to last.”

Rick looked at the fifth card lying face down on the table. 

“Do you want to see it?” Dale asked. 

“Yeah.” Rick said slowly. 

Dale flipped over the card. Staring at Rick was a drawing of himself, unmistakable. 

“The Fool.” Rick said. 

“If you can do this Rick,” Dale said, “I’ll tell you what it means.”

Rick looked up at Dale. “I think I can see what it means.” He said bitterly. 

“No. You can’t.” Dale smiled. 

Rick looked down at the cards. Maggie. Daryl. Jeffrey. The Governor. 

Himself. 

“Negan isn’t here.” Rick said. “I wanted to know about Negan.”

“You don’t get everything Rick.” Dale said. 

“So while I’m dying,” Rick said, “And while I’m trying to get Negan to fall in love with me, I have to help these people, and waste time?”

Rick huffed, like an angry child. 

“I mean. Not that. It’s not that this is a waste of time. I love these people. Well, most of them. But I-

“Just help them Rick, ok?” 

Rick sighed. “But first I get to go enjoy my fever, right?”

Dale smiled. “Right.”

Rick sat back. 

“And Rick?”

“Hm?”

“Don’t waste _ too _ much time.”

The last thing Rick saw was himself, as The Fool, staring up at him. He felt like he was looking in a goddamn mirror. Dale’s words felt like a warning, and he didn’t like it. 

“Rick? You there?” 

Rick felt a wet cloth on his head, and he opened his eyes. He was lying in his bed, Negan in a chair next to him. 

Negan picked the small towel up off Rick’s forehead. “Hey there you are.”

“It’s a fever.” Rick breathed, feeling like a truck had hit him. 

“Yeah it is. You hit over 101 degrees.” 

“God I feel…”

“Sweaty?” Negan laughed. 

“Yeah. Fuck.” Rick shook. 

“You sweated out a lot of it.” Negan said, giving an amused rabbit toothed grin. “I told you it was a fever.”

“I…” Rick couldn’t help but smile. He was ok, for now. 

“Can you sit up?” Negan asked.

“Yeah.” Rick murmured, and he picked himself up, Negan grabbed the pillows behind him and repositioned them. “Wait…”

“What?”

“I feel like I’m going to…” Rick tried to finish his sentence, but he couldn’t stop himself from vomiting. 

Rick looked down at the comforter around his lap. “Great.” Rick groaned. 

But Negan just burst out laughing. He stood up and grabbed another towel, wiping up what he could off the blanket. 

“It’s not funny!” Rick said. “It’s disgusting.”

Negan grabbed the corners of the comforter and began to fold it up, he was still laughing hysterically. “You did it Rick!” 

“What are you talking about?”

“You’ve bested the others in the sport! An unexpected bodily fucking fluid. Vomit! The crowd is going fucking crazy Rick.”

Rick stared at Negan, remembering Negan’s little joke from way back when. “You are so…”

“Forget blood!” Negan said. “This is fucking unheard of!”

“Negan…”

“Or better yet, you’ve just fucking outdid Regan.”

“Regan?” Rick asked.

“Yeah, yknow, The Exorcist?” Negan asked. “You just put that demon to fucking shame!”

Rick laid his head back and smiled. 

“Feel better?” Negan asked, the comforter and towel in his arms. 

“Yeah I do. But I’m starving.”

“I’ll make you some mashed potatoes.”

“Instant?” Rick asked, opening an eye to look at Negan. 

“Always.” Negan grinned, giving Rick a wink before leaving. 

Rick laughed to himself and turned his head. There was a glass of ice water on the nightstand for him. He took it and began to drink, he needed to get better fast. The good news was he sweated out the worst of it, and now he vomited, from here on out, it should be smooth sailing. Rick noticed it was late at night, Judith had already come home and gone to bed. 

“How was Judith?” Rick asked when Negan returned. He took the bowl from him. 

“Sorry if that should be chicken-fucking-noodle.” Negan said. “It’s just, my Rick he...he didn’t like it. Do you?”

“No I don’t.” Rick smiled. “This is fine.”

“Ok good. Anyway, she was okay. I told her you had a fever, like how she’s had. I just told her it was nothing like the coma, and she was totally cool.”

Rick took a deep breath. “Good.”

“You need another blanket?” Negan asked.

“Not right now.” Rick pulled his legs close to him and began to eat. 

“I’d lay with you but...I don’t know if you’re still contagious.”

“I don’t...I don’t need you to lay with me.” Rick muttered. 

Negan smiled. “So, you’re the Rick that isn’t a huge wimp when he’s sick?”

Rick couldn’t help but smile. “Actually…”

“So you are then? Just playing tough guy for now?”

Rick laughed. “I got sick during the...yknow, the apocalypse. And Carl had to take care of me. God. I almost died. Not even joking. I really did.”

The laughter dissipated between the both of them.

“Rick...what were you saying before?” Negan asked. 

Rick set his spoon down in the bowl. “Uh...nothing. It’s not, I don’t know what I was saying.”

Negan fidgeted in his chair. “Rick. Yeah you do.”

Rick hoped he’d pass out again, but he was wide awake, and alert. And ready to run. Even now, when this Negan was sweet and gentle and funny, he still had all the power in determining Rick’s life. It seemed that no matter what, Rick was always defenseless. And he was beginning to hate it. 

“Dale told me that.” Rick said.

“He said things had to be put back the way they were?” Negan asked.

“Yeah.” 

“I don’t…” Negan started. “I don’t know…”

“It’s ok.” Rick said. “It’s too much to ask from you. I know that. Dale fucking knows that. I’m sure whatever-it-is fucking knows it too.”

“I don’t know if I love you.” Negan said. “But I also…”

There was silence. 

“Do you love me, then?” Negan asked, he was rubbing his hands together nervously, and he looked up at Rick, his brows furrowed. 

Rick threw his head back, it felt heavy from the fever. 

“Tell me the truth.” Negan said. 

Rick closed his eyes. Fuck. It didn’t matter anymore. 

“You know,” Rick began, “When I first got here. I hated you. I fucking hated you. I wanted you dead. I thought there was absolutely nothing different about you. But then I was wrong. You were him, but you were better. Everyone here is better. Because everyone here is the version of themselves they were before the world went to shit. But especially you...especially you. And as time went on...I saw all the parts in you that were there before they were destroyed. I see all those parts now. And somewhere along these past few months...I’ve…I’ve really fallen in...love with you. I don’t know when it happened, it just did. Out of nowhere, but out of everywhere. And it’s quite literally killing me.”

Rick exhaled a shaky breath and looked at Negan. He was looking at him, into his eyes. Rick hoped they were blue enough. 

“You’re in love with me.” Negan murmured. 

“I am. And I’m sorry.”

“No I…I’m sorry.” 

“This is just a really...fucked up situation isn’t it?” Rick asked.

Rick was surprised when Negan laughed. 

“You fucking said it.” Negan said. 

Rick gave a small smile. “I…”

“Listen.” Negan interrupted. “I don’t love you. But. I don’t...not love you either. I...ah fuck.”

Rick waited patiently for Negan to continue. 

“What I’m trying to say is, I don’t fucking know what I feel. But...I’m willing to see.”

“Y-you are?” Rick asked, taken aback. 

“Yeah.” Negan said. “I want to. I want to see if...I’m feeling really confused right now. Maybe we could...yknow...like...fuckin’...go out or something. When you’re feeling better.”

“Go out?” 

“Yeah. You know. Like a fucking date. Like normal fucking people do.”

Rick blinked. “O..kay…” 

“Yeah? Does that sound good?”

“You’re not just saying that because you don’t want me to die right?” Rick asked, concerned. 

Negan rolled his eyes. “No. I’m not. You’re right, I don’t want you to die. But I’m not just saying that. I’ve been feeling this way for a while…”

“You have?” Rick couldn’t believe it. 

Negan huffed a laugh. “Yeah hotshot. I have. I wasn’t sure I was going to say anything about it either but, considering the circumstances, might as well fuckin’ see if you’re up to finding out with me. That said, didn’t realize you were fucking in love with me…”

Rick felt like his face turned red. “I’m going to try and not feel awkward about that.”

“You don’t have to.” Negan said, giving a great sigh. “I’m fuckin’ irresistible.”

“Oh, are you now?” Rick asked.

“That’s right. I bet I have all the little Ricks fuckin’ lining up for this.” Negan said, gesturing towards his body. 

Rick turned away and laughed. “Uh-huh.”

Rick set the bowl down on the nightstand. 

“Anyway,” Negan said, “I’m going to let you sleep up here, I’ll take the air mattress in the basement. You know, the one we still haven’t deflated. We’ll figure all this out in the morning. Text me if you need anything alright?”

“Alright.” Rick said. 

Rick watched as Negan stood up and leaned forward, giving him a kiss on the forehead. Then he was gone. 

Rick settled down into the bed and closed his eyes. His body felt weak, his head heavy, but his heart was fluttering. He had a chance. And if anything, Negan was open to seeing what could happen. Rick suddenly felt guilty, like maybe he had tricked Negan into thinking he liked him. The rational part of him told himself that wasn't true. Negan's feelings might be confusing, but they were genuine. He had a chance. He could do this. 

When he woke up it was late in the morning, he felt well rested, but dehydrated. The glass on the nightstand had been refilled. He smiled and drank it down. 

Rick got out of the bed slowly, gauging his stamina. He still felt sick, but the worst was definitely over. He went to the bathroom and brushed his teeth and showered. When he had gotten dressed in new sweats, he found Negan downstairs on the couch. 

“Don’t you coach anymore?” Rick asked, walking over and plopping down onto the couch. 

“I decided I wasn’t ready to go back to anything yet.” Negan said. “There’s too much going on here.”

They looked at the TV. 

“So when you kissed me…” Negan started. “That's cause you…”

Rick took a deep breath. “Yeah.”

Negan laughed. “Interesting. What about when we…”

“No.” Rick said quickly. “I still hated you a little bit. I was just really horny.”

Negan laughed even harder, until they were both laughing on the couch. 

Rick wheezed, his chest feeling weak. 

“Careful.” Negan grinned. “How do you feel?”

“A little better. Could use more food.” Rick said. 

“What do you want?”

Rick thought for a moment. “Fast food.”

“Fast food?” Negan said. 

“Yeah. French fries. Chicken nuggets. Cheeseburger. Two cheeseburgers. Doubles.” Rick said. 

“I can go to Burger King.” Negan suggested. 

“Gross!” Rick spat.

“Are you fucking shitting me?” Negan scoffed. 

“No,” Rick said, “That shit is nasty.”

“You are just like him.” Negan muttered. “No fucking taste.”

Rick smiled and wrapped himself in a blanket. “Just go to Mcdonalds.”

“You wanna come?” Negan asked. “You should get some fresh air.”

Rick picked up a beanie that belonged to Negan and put it on his head. 

“Fine.” Rick said. 

Rick shuffled to Lucille, draped in a huge blanket, sunglasses on, beanie pulled down his forehead. 

“That is a look Rick.” Negan said, an amused rabbit toothed smile on his face. 

“Shut up and let’s go.”

Negan opened the door for Rick, who flopped inside. 

“You look like you’re in a cocoon.” Negan said, sitting down beside Rick, the blanket taking up most of the front bench. 

“I’m hibernating.” Rick said. 

Negan pushed the excess blanket towards Rick, tucking it under him. “You’re a grown man and you’re going out like this.”

“You’re making me.” Rick said. 

“I’m not making you do fucking anything.” Negan said, and he put Lucille in reverse. 

They pulled up to the drive through, a few cars were in front of them. 

“What did you want again?” Negan asked.

“20 piece chicken nugget-

“20 piece?!” 

Rick growled.

“Alright,” Negan said, “Geez. Okay what else.”

“Two big macs.” 

“Rick a big mac is like five fuckin’ dollars.” Negan scoffed, he looked over at Rick. 

“Rick.” 

“Rick don’t.”

“Not the eyes.”

“Stop.”

_ “Okay.” _ Negan relented. “You can get two fucking Big Macs.” 

“A large fry.” Rick said, a satisfied expression on his face. 

“Okay. What else your majesty?”

“A large coke.”

“We have coke at home.” Negan said, he was staring ahead. There was silence. 

“Rick I’m not looking over.”

Rick watched as Negan’s hands began to tap on the steering wheel. 

_ “Negan.” _

“I’m not-I’m not looking over.”

_ “Negan.”  _ Rick whined. 

Negan turned his head slightly, catching Rick’s eyes. “Fuck! Fine. You can get the overpriced large coke that we already have in the garage at home. Is that gonna make you fucking happy?”

“And three chocolate chip cookies.”

“Rick we... _ fine. _ ” Negan sighed. 

After they got all their food, and after Negan threw a shitfit over the bill, he turned to Rick. 

“Well you’re pretty damn pleased with yourself aren’t you?” 

Rick closed his eyes and smelled the bags. “Mmhmm.”

“Fuckin’ little cocooned fuckin’ butterfly.” Negan muttered. 

“Face it,” Rick said, eating a french fry, “All the Ricks got all the Negans wrapped around their fingers. Doesn’t matter which Rick or which Negan.”

“That’s a bold ass statement.” Negan said seriously. 

“I feel like it’s true.” Rick smiled. 

“Fry me.” Negan said. 

Rick held a fry up to Negan’s mouth. Rick felt Negan’s teeth scrape against his fingers. 

“You can bite them off, but you’re still wrapped around them. Metaphorically.” Rick said matter-of-factly. 

Negan gave a low laugh out his throat. “I’d like to wrap you around something.”

“Like barbed wire around a bat?” Rick asked.

“Not a bad idea. Wasn’t exactly what I had in mind though.” 

“What  _ did  _ you have in mind?” Rick asked.

“Just sit in your little fast food raccoon nest.” Negan said. 

“Whatever you say, porky-pine.” 

Negan huffed out his nose. 

When they got back to the house they ate on the couch together and watched TV, and Rick couldn’t help but feel like there was something happening between them, and it was happening fast. Rick just hoped it wasn’t Negan deciding to give in to Rick’s similarities with the Other Rick. 

After lunch, Negan left to pick up Judith. 

“How do you feel?” Negan asked before leaving. 

“I feel a lot better.” Rick said.

“Yeah I figured it was just one of those 24 hour things. I’ll be back in a bit, we might stop at the store.”

“Okay.” Rick said, and he watched Negan leave. 

Rick stood up and walked to the kitchen, putting his leftover coke in the fridge. When he walked back into the living room, he noticed Maggie pulling into her driveway. 

The first trial. 

Rick walked out of the house. 

“Maggie!” 

Maggie turned, she was at her front door. 

“Hey!” She called. 

Rick looked both ways and crossed the street, walking up to her. 

“Can we talk?” Rick asked.

“Of course, want to come in?” 

“Yeah.” 

Maggie led Rick inside. 

He almost didn’t know what to do. All he had were cards, and somehow he had to figure out what these people needed based on them. But Dale had told him ‘fertility’, and the only thing Rick could think of was that Maggie was pregnant. But why would she need help with that?

“Are you okay Rick?” Maggie asked. 

“I’m coming off a fever.” Rick said. “But I’m fine.”

“Are you contagious?” 

“No.” Rick said. “At least I don’t think so.”

“Okay.”

Maggie stared awkwardly at Rick. 

“So what’s up?” She asked. 

Rick stood there for a moment, trying to think of what to say. This was only the first of the small group of people Rick had to help, so he figured it would be easiest to just come right out with it. 

“Are you pregnant?” Rick asked bluntly. 

Maggie blinked. “Uh…yeah...how did you know that?”

“Have you told anyone?” Rick asked.

Maggie looked shocked. “No…”

“Why?” Rick asked.

“Rick.” Maggie said. “How did you know?”

“I just thought that...it seemed like you might be.”

“I…” Maggie seemed at a loss for words.

“Does Glenn know?”

“No.”

“Why haven’t you told him?” Rick asked. 

Maggie took a deep breath. “I wanted to make sure everything was going to be fine. The first trimester is the scariest, I just wanted to get through it before I told him. I didn’t want to celebrate and then have something happen.”

“Maggie,” Rick said, “You can’t live like that.”

“Yeah I can.” Maggie said. “I can do whatever I want.”

“But if something happened, you would be alone.” Rick said. 

“But at least no one around me would be in pain.” Maggie said. 

And Rick saw just why she hadn’t told anyone. 

“Maggie…”

“It’s not like it’s anyone else’s business.” Maggie said. 

“You’re right. It’s not mine, at all, but you should be able to tell Glenn, and have him be there for you. Especially if something bad happened. You shouldn’t endure that pain alone just for the sake of not hurting others. No one should live with that. Not by themselves. ”

Maggie looked down. 

“I know you don’t want to burden others,” Rick said, “But holding your breath and hoping for the best can only get you so far.”

Maggie tucked her hair behind her ear. “Yeah.”

“How far along are you?”

“I found out a few weeks ago.” Maggie said. “I’ve wanted to tell him. But I was afraid.”

“Don’t be afraid.” Rick said. “You have Glenn to live life with. Don’t shut him out because you don’t want to hurt him in case anything bad happened. You’re not going to jinx anything by telling him. Whatever happens happens. It’s important to have someone by your side. You have a guy who would drop everything for you, who loves you, I understand, you want to be strong. You want to protect him. But he’s by your side for a reason. And that’s to make this world a little easier to live in. And worth livin’ in. You tell him when you want to. But don’t not tell him because of your fears.”

Maggie didn’t say a word, she stared at Rick for a moment and then threw her arms around his neck. 

“Thank you.” She whispered. 

Rick put his arms around her waist and hugged her tight. “You’re going to be fine. Be happy when you should be happy. And stop stressing okay?”

“Thanks Rick.” Maggie repeated. “I’m going to tell him today.”

“Let me know if you need anything.” Rick said, and they pulled away.

“How did you know though?” Maggie asked.

“Intuition.” Rick said.

“You got intuition? Really?” Maggie smiled.

“Yeah I do. I know y’all too well.” 

“Well, sometimes I’m glad for that.” Maggie said. 

They talked for a while longer, chatting and catching up, and then Maggie was leading Rick back to the front door. Before Rick could walk away, Maggie was saying his name. 

“Rick?”

“Yeah?”

“Negan,” Maggie said, “He’s the one you’ve got by your side through life yeah?”

Rick looked over at his house. At Negan’s house. At  _ their  _ house.

“Yeah. I think he is.”

“Good,” Maggie smiled, “We all need someone. In some way.”

“Mmhmm. I’ll see you.” Rick said. 

Rick walked back across the street. That was shockingly easy. But Dale had told him flat out what that little trial would be about, so it also made a lot of sense. Plus it was the first in the list, and he had a feeling when he got to Phillip Blake’s, it would be a lot more difficult. 

Next on the list would be Daryl, The Hermit. Daryl wasn’t an open book, figuring out what Rick needed to fix for him wasn’t going to be easy. 

When Rick returned home, he took some more medicine and went to his bed. He was feeling tired and needed to sleep off the remainder of his sickness. He couldn’t believe he had freaked out over a fever. He closed his eyes and felt himself drift off. 

Rick could hear Negan on the phone when he woke up. He was saying bye to Carl. 

“Have a good night son.” He heard Negan say, and it tugged painfully at his heart. 

No matter what happened, Negan would still be here. 

“Hey you’re awake.” Negan said. 

“Yeah.” Rick said, sitting up. “I’m feeling a lot better.”

“Good, thought I’d be stuck on the air mattress the rest of my life.” 

Negan flopped down onto the bed next to Rick. 

“What are you thinking for dinner?” Rick asked. 

“Judith found out we went to Mcdonalds, so now I have to get her a Happy Meal.” Negan sighed. “She always knows when we do shit without her.”

Rick laughed. “What about us?”

“There’s some romaine in the fridge. I think we should have salads to y’know, cleanse our bodies from the absolute garbage we fuckin’ inhaled earlier.”

“Sounds good to me.” Rick said. 

Negan put his arms behind his head and gave a loud sigh.

“So,” He said, “Where do you wanna go for our date?”

“Oh,” Rick said, “Uh-

“Don’t act all shy now.” Negan said. “If we’re gonna try and save your life we gotta figure this date thing out right? Give it a try? So what are you thinking?”

“I don’t know.” Rick said. All he knew was that he had never appreciated Negan’s relentlessness more than when it was about saving Rick’s life. 

“That’s okay, I’ll think of something.” Negan said. “Hell, I’ll bet by the end of the night I’ll even get you in my bed.”

Negan turned and gave Rick the biggest rabbit toothed grin he had seen on the man yet. Rick laughed. 

“You’re so…”

Negan closed his eyes and laughed, Rick watched the man next to him. The man he had, in some horribly ridiculous way, come to love. But sitting next to him on their bed, he almost didn’t think about that. He didn’t think about how much he wanted to be held in the taller man’s arms, or how his heart ached with how much he wanted them to all be a family. He didn’t think about how stupidly cute Negan’s smile was, or how sexy one look from the man could be. He didn’t think about any of the things that made Rick love him. 

All Rick could think about in this moment was how much he loved his enemy’s friendship. And how much he almost wished love didn’t have to be a part of Rick staying. Their friendship, he thought, should be enough. Because lying next to him was a man who was ready to try anything to save his life. Not because Rick was an almost spitting image of a person he used to love, and not because Rick was someone he  _ could  _  love. It was for the simple fact that over the past few months, through all the ups and downs and unreal adventures, they had developed the strongest friendship either of them could remember. And Negan was determined. 

And Rick couldn’t help but feel like that hourglass had, for the time being, slowed down it’s loss of sand. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you all enjoyed this chapter! Rick wrapped up in a big blanket with a beanie and dark sunglasses on with Negan all miffed next to him is so fucking cute just saying. 
> 
> Also in ways I didn't want the 'reveal' scene to go in an obvious way. It could have been really angsty and messy, but I thought about it and wanted it to be more calm and more understanding. And we aren't seeing Negan's POV throughout all this, only Rick's. I think it's very easy for Rick to not see all the little moments where Negan's feelings started to change, because he's so tense about it all. 
> 
> ANYWAY THEYRE GOING ON A DATE ASDFGHJKL WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT WE'D GET HERE?! 
> 
> Where else can you find a fic where you read almost 90k words and the characters haven't even gone on a genuine date yet?


	23. Where We Go From Here

 

Over the next few days, Rick recovered from his fever and spent his time mulling over what Daryl could need. It was on a quiet Monday when he finally decided to go and see him. 

Negan had, for the time being, resumed his coaching again, as the soccer team was in their playoffs and championship. 

“I’m not interested in her.” Negan had said when he told Rick the news. 

“I know that.”

“No really. I’m not.”

“I know.”

“Because if you think-

“Negan. It’s fine.”

But Rick had felt a little happy that Negan had been so adamant. Maybe a little more than a little.

So while Negan was out and Judith was at kindergarten, Rick took his car and drove down to Daryl’s, trying to remember what street in the old neighborhood his house was on. He finally recognized Daryl’s bike. 

Rick parked against the curb and got out, wasting no time with getting to the front door. 

“Rick,” Daryl said as he opened the door, surprised, “What are you doing here?”

“Hey Daryl. Can we talk?” Rick asked.

“Sure. I was just about to leave for work though.”

“Oh…” Rick said. “Um. Is everything...ok?”

“Yeah? Why?” Daryl asked, squinting his eyes.

“I just wanted to make sure. You know you can tell me anything.”

“Of course I know that.” Daryl said. “Are  _ you _ okay?”

“Yeah I’m fine.” Rick said.

“Ok good.” Daryl picked up a bag by the door and walked out, closing the front door behind him and locking it. “I uh, I gotta go now.”

“Yeah...yeah…”

“Are you sure everything’s alright man? I’m not gonna lie, you’re acting kinda weird.” Daryl said.

“No everything’s fine.” Shit. This wasn’t going to be easy. But Rick should have known flat out asking Daryl wasn’t going to work. 

“Then I’ll see you later.” Daryl said, leaving Rick on his porch while he went to his bike. Rick watched him get on. He looked over at Rick again.

“You good?” He called.

Rick sighed. “Yeah.” Rick called back. 

“Ok man. Bye.”

“Bye.”

Rick put his hands in his pockets and walked back down to his car. What could Daryl need? It had to do with the card. The Hermit. Was Daryl too much of a shut-in? Was he too much of a hermit? That all seemed too obvious. It had to be something more. 

He thought about searching online for information about the card, but his phone wasn’t in his pocket. He had left it at home. 

Rick passed by a library on his way out of the old neighborhood and stopped the car. Maybe he could do some research the old fashioned way. He parked and entered the library. 

It was old and nostalgic, and smelled like yellowing paper and retro carpeting. There was a young girl with a baseball cap on at the desk, looking through a magazine with a bored expression on her face. There were no computers. Rick didn’t know how this place survived. No one else was there. 

He walked up to the counter, the girl looked up.

“Oh, can I help you?” She asked. She had a nametag on. Clementine. 

“Yeah, I’m looking for info on tarot cards.” Rick said.

Clementine scrunched her face up. “Um. You know you can google that right?”

“I left my phone at home.” Rick said. “And you guys don’t have computers.”

She gave a smirk. “Ok. Tarot cards? Uh. Here, I’ll just show you.”

Rick followed Clementine through the library, until they were in a dusty corner in the back. She pulled out a book. 

“This just came back.” She said. “Is everyone really interested in this stuff all of a sudden?”

“Yeah.” Rick said. “I think so.” 

Clementine just shrugged and handed Rick the book. He opened it. It even had one of those old library cards in it where you sign your name. He looked at the last name. 

Dale Horvath. 

Son of a bitch. 

Rick blinked and pulled the book closer when he saw there was a name under it. 

Rick Grimes. 

He wanted to laugh. He shook his head and huffed out his nose, as he flipped through the pages they fell on The Empress. There was a post-it note on it. 

‘Easy huh?’

Rick figured that meant Dale hadn’t expected him to need the book at that point. And it had been easy. The fact that Rick was now crouched in a corner flipping through an old book in an even older library made sense as he was digging deeper into the cards. 

Rick flipped to The Hermit. 

‘Knew you’d be here.’

Rick huffed a laugh out of his nose. He really wanted to punch Dale sometimes. Rick peeled the post-it off and looked at the page. Soul searching, introspection, solitude, loneliness, isolation, these were all things associated with the card. Rick read about how the solitary way of The Hermit can be positive or negative, how The Hermit can return from a journey with wisdom. But there was something more interesting. 

It was how The Hermit can be paired with other cards of the Major Arcana. And the two cards shown were The Empress and The Lovers, the cards on either side of Rick’s hand. The Hermit with The Empress is all about how rewarding the studying of the nature of the universe can be. That might make sense, Rick thought, Daryl worked in a wilderness park. Paired with The Lovers, a breakup could be on the way. 

Rick felt his stomach sink. Daryl and Beth were happy, why would they break up? Apparently, this was one of the saddest pairs in the Tarot. Rick felt sick. But he wasn’t on this mission to watch it all crumble. He was here to fix this. That’s why he got these cards. To prevent or fix what problems they were creating. 

Rick flipped to the next card, The Lovers. He read the post-it.

‘Follow your heart.’

Rick felt guilty looking ahead, but he couldn’t help himself. He flipped to The Devil. 

‘Remember who you were before.’

What did that mean? Rick figured he would think about that when the time came. Rick hovered a hand over the pages. The Fool was next. He had to know. 

The page had been covered in a sheet, taped on. There were big letters on it. 

“NOT YET.”

Rick smirked. He guessed Dale was just trusting him not to google that one. 

Rick didn’t bother to ruminate on how Dale knew he’d stop in the library. It was just another one of those unexplainable things. But also one of those things that just seemed utterly plausible at this point. He left the aisle, but as he walked out, Clementine stopped him. 

“You’re not checking it out?” She asked. 

“Oh, no, sorry.” Rick said.

“Yeah, the guy told me you wouldn’t.” She sighed.

“The guy?”

“Yeah the old man.” Clementine said. “The one who had the book before you. You’re Rick Grimes, right?”

“Yeah, that’s me.” Rick said. “What else did he say?”

“He said…‘Good Luck’, and...that you’ll be sleeping with the fishes soon.”

Rick stopped breathing. “...What?”

“I don’t know, that’s what he said. He saw the look on my face and told me not to worry. What is this? He said it was important.” Clementine said. 

“It’s a lot.” Rick said. “That’s what it is.”

“Oh, ok.” She said. “Well, good luck.”

“Thanks.” Rick said, and he left the library. 

Sleeping with the fishes. Good one. So was that Dale’s way of telling Rick he’d be dead soon? If he doesn’t hurry up? Maybe he’d hurry up if Dale wasn’t interested in making this a fucking scavenger hunt. Rick shook that bit of information off and continued to focus on Daryl. Right now, he figured he had to gain Negan’s love  _ and _ finish these trials if he wanted to stay. And he was actually doing pretty okay in the former’s department, so back to Daryl it was. 

Since Daryl himself wasn’t providing much help, Rick decided to seek the other person who was probably, more than likely, involved. And that was Beth. He figured there were two sides to this situation, The Empress and The Lovers. And he might as well talk to the Lover, because the trees or whatever aspect of nature the other card was all about, wasn’t going to do much talking. 

Rick went to reach for his phone and remembered he had forgotten it. He drove home, immediately finding it and checking to see if Negan had called him or anything. There were a few texts. 

‘I figured out our date.’

‘It’s going to be amazing.’

‘Are you there?’

Rick smiled, a little too wide and a little too giddy, but he was alone, so he let himself be happy. 

“Sounds great.” He typed. 

He went into his contacts and found Beth. 

“Hey,” he typed, “Ready for another lunch talk?”

He was surprised when Beth answered. 

“Of course, same place? Thirty minutes?”

“I’ll see you there.” He typed. 

Rick got back into his car and drove to the diner, Beth was pulling in just as he parked. He waited for her. 

“Rick!” She called, walking over. 

“Hey Beth.” Rick said, and he felt his stomach doing nervous flips. What if Daryl and Beth weren’t meant to be together? And now Rick had to tell her the news, like a love version of the Grim Reaper. 

They went inside, Gareth was nowhere to be seen, but then Rick spotted him past the counter, in the kitchen. He was becoming a cook. That didn’t sit well with Rick, but there wasn’t anything he could do about that. 

“So what’s going on?” Beth asked. 

Rick looked at her and took a deep breath. “Is everything okay between you and Daryl?” 

Beth blinked. “Yeah, we’re good.” 

“Are you?”

Beth sighed. “Well, there’s just been a few things. One thing.”

Rick shifted in his seat. “What is it?”

“It’s stupid.”

“Tell me.”

“So, Daryl is really interested in going on this trip. But it’s not just a trip. He wants to hike the Appalachian Trail. It can take seven months to do.” Beth explained. 

Rick furrowed his brows. It didn’t seem like that should be a huge issue. 

“But he wants me to come. Like really bad.” Beth said. “And I want to go too, but every time I try and get him to start planning, he finds a reason not to do it. I don’t know why. And you should start the trail around February, so if we’re going to do this, we need to figure it out right now, or we’ll have to wait again because of the weather. I just don’t know how to convince him that everything is going to be fine and that we should do it.”

“If he wants to do it, and he wants you to come, why is he so unsure?” Rick asked. 

“Because Daryl has never left Georgia.” Beth said. “And I think he gets scared of the unknown. But I know it would change both our lives. I just don’t know what to do about it.”

Rick nodded. So this was it. He had to convince Daryl to finally take the leap, to save himself and his relationship. 

“But yeah,” Beth sighed, “That’s what’s going on with us. Not that it’s putting that much of a strain on things but, I can’t sit around forever. He’s got that bike and we never go anywhere with it. I just don’t know what’s up with him.” 

Rick thought for a moment. He had to figure out how he was going to talk to Daryl about this. 

“So how are things with you?” Beth asked. 

“I’m working on it.” Rick said. “I’m going on a date with Negan soon.”

Beth smiled. “Really? That’s a lot of progress.”

“I know.” Rick said, surprised. “I think I might have a chance here.”

“I believe in you.” Beth said. 

After their lunch, Rick considered going to the wildlife park where Daryl worked, but he had to stop rushing himself. He couldn’t pressure Daryl into anything. He would have to find him later. 

Rick stopped at the wildlife park anyway, not to find Daryl, but just to sit for a while. There was a large creek at the start of the park, and a bridge passing over with rocks that people often sat on. Rick walked over and sat down on the one of the large smooth rocks, watching the water flow down. 

He closed his eyes and listened to the sounds. Calm moving water, birds, wind moving through trees. He felt the stone on his palms, and wondered if he’d really be at the bottom of the creek soon, sleeping with the fishes. Maybe that’s why he was trying to capture all these senses, because maybe it was one of his last chances. 

The stress wrapped itself around his heart, life would just be fucking fine if he wasn’t dealing with this. At this point it didn’t even matter if Negan loved him, besides this ‘deal’, he was actually happy with the way things were. But then the reality of the situation would hit him and he’d be reminded that life right now was hard and barely forgiving. 

But there was hope. It was small, like a flame that Rick was scrambling to keep alive, but it was there. 

He just wanted the days to feel like days. And not like parts of a countdown. 

When he finished all this, then he could live again. Then the days would feel like days, and the world would feel real again. 

Rick made it back in time for Judith to get off her bus, Negan was close behind, returning from practice. Rick put Judith down for a nap and joined Negan in the kitchen. 

“So,” Rick said, “What’s the date?”

Negan took a soda out of the fridge and gave Rick a grin. 

“It’s going to be awesome.” He teased. 

“What? What is it?” Rick asked. 

“You want to know?” 

“Yes.”

“You really want to know?” 

_ “Yes.”  _ Rick begged. 

“Ok, I’ll tell you.” Negan said. “It’s very fancy.”

“It’s fancy?” Rick asked. “How so?”

“I’m talking suits, champagne, hors d’oeuvres.” 

“What?” Rick asked. “Really? Where?”

“It’s an event at the aquarium.” Negan said. “It’s called ‘Sleeping With the Fishes’, it’s to benefit ocean cleanup and the protection of marine life.”

“It’s called...the what?” Rick asked. 

“Sleeping With the Fishes.” Negan said. “Funny right?”

“Yeah…” Rick said. 

Of course. Of course that’s what Dale had been talking about all along. He was referring to their date. Rick breathed a sigh of relief. 

“My Rick’s old suit should fit you.” Negan said. “It’s this Friday night. What do you say?”

“It sounds great.” Rick said. 

“Good.” Negan said. 

Rick tried to imagine what the event could be like. Aquariums could be romantic, he thought. Especially if they were all in evening wear drinking champagne. And Negan had suggested it, and Rick appreciated the effort. It seemed like a lot for their first date. But he didn’t mind. 

Over the next few days, Rick tried to figure out how he was going to approach Daryl about his card. He couldn’t badger him, or back him into a corner, those things wouldn’t work. He had to try to find a way for Daryl to tell him himself. 

Maybe going to a bar would work. He texted Daryl, asking him if he’d want to hang out and get some drinks and catch up. Daryl agreed, and mid week they met at the bar around 8pm. Rick had told Negan where he was going, and that it had to do with ‘everything’. Negan understood and let Rick go without a fight. 

Rick walked into the bar and saw that Daryl was already seated at a booth, he must have gotten there a little early because there were already fries and a drink on the table. 

“Hey.” Rick said as he approached, sitting down across from Daryl. 

“Hey Rick.” Daryl said. 

A waiter came over and took Rick’s order, and then it was back to business. 

“How’s life?” Daryl asked. 

“It’s good.” Rick said.

“How’s the motorcycle?” Daryl asked. 

Rick smiled. “It’s great. We should ride together soon.”

“Yeah man that’d be cool.” 

“Maybe we could all go on a roadtrip.” Rick said, trying to get the conversation rolling into the right direction. If he could just subtly push Daryl towards the topic, maybe he could fix this. 

“Oh, yeah.” Daryl said. “That sounds cool.”

“We could go on a weekend trip somewhere.” 

“Yeah there are some cool paths.” Daryl said. 

“Isn’t there a cool road that cuts right through your park?” Rick asked.

“Yeah there is. It’s great to ride.” 

“So working in the park is cool and all?”

“Yeah.” Daryl said. 

“You ever camp there or anything?” Rick asked.

“Sometimes.” 

“I was thinking of maybe taking the family camping.” Rick said, rubbing his chin nonchalantly. 

“Yeah the park would be a great place for that.” Daryl said. 

“I’m not sure how long though. I’ve always envisioned camping for an extended time. You ever do that?”

“Yeah a few times. Nothing past a week though. It’s funny I actually…” Daryl paused for a moment. “You ever hear of how people hike the Appalachian Trail?”

Jackpot. 

“You know I feel like I remember hearing about that. You want to do it?”

“Yeah.” Daryl said. “I do. Really bad. With Beth. It’s a long trip, it can take around half a year to do, but it looks amazing.”

“That’s awesome. You should do it.”

“I know.” Daryl sighed. “But…”

“What?”

“I’ve never done something like that before. I’ve never even left Georgia. And now I want to hike to Maine? I keep debating in my head about it.”

“Daryl, you want to do it right?”

“Yeah.”

“Then you should do it.”

“I guess I’m just...afraid of failure. Like if I go out there, maybe it won’t be as amazing as I thought, or maybe I’ll give up, or maybe it will fucking suck.”

“You don’t know that for sure.” Rick said. “It could be all those things, but it could be the complete opposite. It could be the adventure of a lifetime.”

“I don’t know why I feel this way.” Daryl said. “It’s frustrating. I keep putting up my own roadblocks and wondering why I never get anywhere. I don’t know how to stop.”

“Just let go.” Rick said. “If fear is your only reason for not doing something, then you’re golden. Because you can overcome fear.” 

“Maybe you’re right.” Daryl said. “And it would be great for my career.”

“Do it Daryl.” Rick said. “You won’t regret it.”

“I think you’re right. Thanks man. I always feel better after talking to you.” 

Rick smiled. “Anytime.”

After they sat and talked for a while longer, they both exited the bar together. 

“Daryl?” Rick asked.

“Yeah man?”

“Don’t be afraid to rely on Beth too.” Rick said. “She’s there for you. Just like you’re there for her. You can talk to her.”

“You’re right Rick.” Daryl said. “Sometimes I get in my own head yknow?”

“I know.” Rick said. “We all do. Just try and remind yourself ok?”

“Of course. I’ll see you around.”

Rick watched as Daryl got on his motorcycle and left, the sound of gravel crunching as he drove off. He looked up at the moon, it seemed brighter than usual. He felt like he didn’t have to worry about Daryl anymore, his card was completed. Rick got into his car and sat there for a moment, closing his eyes and letting the night envelope around him. 

He drove home. 

Now that Daryl was taken care of, Rick could focus on the upcoming wedding. Something to do with Jeffrey and Claudia, but what could it be? The wedding was next weekend, and Rick didn’t know if it had to do with the actual wedding or something else. But Jeffrey was MIA with all the last minute planning he was doing, so Rick wouldn’t see him until the day of. He would just have to hope that whatever it was, he could figure it out quickly. He thought about Dale’s post-it note. Follow your heart. What did that have to do with him?

Friday evening had arrived, and Maggie and Glenn were watching Judith while they went to the Sleeping With the Fishes event. 

“I didn’t know that was a thing! I’m jealous!” Maggie had said. 

“Next year.” Glenn said. 

Rick put on the Other Rick’s suit. It was a nice royal blue, and Rick thought maybe it matched the Other Rick’s eyes better. But Rick’s were bluer, more cyan, more like a swimming pool. The Other Rick’s were like the dark ocean, he thought. 

Negan walked into the bedroom where Rick was standing, his suit was black, and he had a red handkerchief in the pocket. Rick almost fell over at the sight. Negan knew how to clean up. Negan’s tie was also red. 

“You look great.” Negan whistled.

“Thanks. So do you.” Rick smiled. 

“Oh, I  _ know _ I look fucking good.” Negan said, giving a wild rabbit toothed grin. “But you look better.”

Rick adjusted his tie and smirked. “Are you ready?”

“Ready as fuck.” Negan grinned. 

They drove in the cadillac, and Rick never felt more fancy in his life. Hell, even his wedding had been less extravagant than this. But here they were, arriving at the aquarium in a vintage car wearing suits and dropping the keys off to the valet. 

“This is a lot fancier than I thought.” Rick said as they gave over the keys.

“What, you thought we’d be parking in the parking lot and walking?” Negan asked.

“Yeah.” 

“I treat my dates right Prince Fawn.” Negan said. “Just don’t lose your glass slipper.”

Negan held out his arm, and Rick looped his arm through, and they walked into the aquarium. 

The aquarium was fully decked out for the gala, lights were strung everywhere, waiters walked around with trays, and everyone was dressed to the nines. Rick spotted a few familiar faces among the growing crowd. 

Negan led Rick to a table for donations, and he took out an envelope and handed it over. 

“Thank you sirs.” The girl said.

“Clementine?” Rick asked.

Clementine was wearing a slightly more dressed up outfit tonight, and she didn’t have a baseball cap on.

“Oh, Rick Grimes.” She said. 

“You’re here too?” He asked. 

“I have to make money don’t I? Did everything work out with that tarot thing?” She asked. 

“Yeah, thanks for all your help.” Rick said. 

“I didn’t really do anything.” Clementine shrugged. 

“Still.”

“Well maybe you can return the favor, and bring people to the library.” She smiled. “My boss Mr. Everett has been feeling kind of down about it. You got kids?”

“Yeah I do.” Rick said. “I’ll bring ‘em. Don’t worry.”

“Thanks.” She smiled. 

They said goodbye and walked further into the aquarium. 

“What’s this tarot thing?” Negan asked as they entered a shark exhibit. 

“It’s something Dale has me doing.” Rick said. “I got these cards, and they each represent somebody I have to help. First it was Maggie, then Daryl. That’s what the girl was helping me with.”

“Who else do you have to help?” Negan asked. 

“My brother is next.” Rick sighed. “I have no idea what that could be about. Then...you remember how I told you about The Governor?”

“Oh fuck, yeah.”

“Yeah, he’s after my brother. I’m not looking forward to that one. But the last one is me. And Dale doesn’t want me to look ahead or anything like that. So I’m focused on Jeff for now.”

“You think something is going to happen at the wedding?” Negan asked. 

“I have no clue.” Rick said. “With Jeff, anything could happen.”

“Well, I’ll be there if you need my help.” Negan said. 

“Thank you.” Rick smiled. They looked into the large tank that reached the ceiling. Sharks of all kinds were swimming through. 

“Hell of a fish.” Negan said. “Scary as fuck.”

“Yeah.” Rick said, watching the sharks. “Kind of like you.”

Negan laughed. “Kind of like the other me, you mean?”

“Yeah.”

“Fuck, if anything, you’re like one too.” 

“You know if they stop swimming they die?” Rick said. “Maybe they are like me.”

“We should stop comparing ourselves to animals.” Negan laughed. 

“Probably.”

They continued walking, until they were alone in a dark space, the only illumination coming from the tanks around them. 

“Why did you pick this place?” Rick asked as they looked at the jellyfish tank. Pink jellyfish drifted upward. 

“I like the event.” Negan said. “And so did Lucille. And so did my Rick. And I figured maybe you would too.”

“It’s great.” Rick said. 

“It’s hard to say goodbye.” Negan said, out of the blue. 

Out of the blue of the tanks, Rick thought. 

“At moments with Lucille, I wondered if I would eventually have to make a decision.” Negan said, his words catching in his throat by the end. “Some days, most days, I prayed I would get a call that she died. That’s a little fucked up right? To not want to be there? To not want to be the one to do it, or to say goodbye as she goes. Rick...I just couldn’t. I couldn’t take that drive. I couldn’t bear the idea of her death being scheduled. How can we do that?”

“Sometimes it’s humane.” Rick said softly. 

“I know, but it still feels...awful. I kept wondering, maybe she could have another month with treatment. Wouldn’t that mean something?”

“Negan,” Rick said tenderly, “Not if her life wasn’t a life.”

“But who am I to decide that? Who is anybody?”

Rick stared into the tank. “Sometimes when you can’t do all the things you used to do, then that’s the time.”

“But what if it’s just some of the things? Like she can’t eat, but she can still laugh.”

Negan sighed. 

“That sounds really stupid. Can’t eat. But can still laugh. What’s the point of living if you can’t eat? What kind of life is that? You can breathe and walk, you can still enjoy lying in the warmth of the sun, still catch the scent on the breeze, but if you can’t fucking eat…”

“But she wouldn’t tell me.” Negan said, frustrated. “She wouldn’t tell me. If she could just say, Negan, it’s time, then we could figure it out. But she couldn’t. How was I supposed to assess that? I kept thinking, what if it’s today? But what if there could have been 14 more tomorrows? I’m just a human Rick, why is the universe putting the weight of itself on my fucking shoulders all the time?”

Good question. 

“And then my Rick. He’s so...okay with it all. How?”

“He knows things we don’t.” Rick said. “Feels things we can’t yet.”

“Yeah…” Negan closed his eyes. “Sometimes it just feels like my heart is going to break. It aches so fucking much.”

“I’m glad you told me you weren’t him.” Negan said, opening his eyes. “I’m glad you told me.”

“You deserved to know the truth.” Rick said.

“I’m sorry you got stuck with me.” Negan said.

“What?”

“You’ve fallen in love with the most broken person on the planet. I might be cursed.”

“Negan. You’re not cursed.” Rick said. 

“I don’t know. Maybe you are too. Maybe we’re both cursed.” Negan sighed. 

“Even if we are, we’re ending that shit.” Rick said. “The universe isn’t getting away with this anymore.” 

“Are you going to fight the forces of the universe?” Negan mused. 

“No.” Rick said. “Just one of them.”

They stared into the tank in silence. 

“You know,” Negan said, “I never wanted to have to be this strong.”

He sighed. 

“Did you?”

Rick watched the jellyfish float back down. 

“No.” 

Rick felt Negan’s hand on his arm, and then he was grabbing him and turning him into a hug. Negan dipped his head into Rick’s neck and shoulder. Rick closed his eyes.

“Maybe I needed someone as strong as you.” Negan murmured. “Someone as strong as me.”

Rick wrapped his arms tighter around Negan. “That’s how I feel.” He whispered. 

“The world has made us strong.” Negan said quietly. “But what’s the point of turning a human into stone?”

“So that they can survive.” Rick said.

“We need to do more than just survive.” Negan said. 

He was right. And Rick’s world had turned him into stone. He didn’t want this one to do the same to Negan. Maybe Rick was here to make sure they both didn’t become hollowed versions of themselves. 

Negan pulled away, and brushed a thumb under Rick’s eye.

“Why are you crying?” He whispered. 

“Because,” Rick said, a sob forming in his throat.

Negan’s hand moved to Rick’s shoulder, holding him down. 

_ “I can’t watch people get torn apart anymore.”  _ Rick cried. 

“We’re not getting torn apart.” Negan said, tears falling from his eyes. “We’re past that. We’re putting ourselves back together now. That’s where we go from here.”

Rick held his arms out, and Negan embraced him into a hug, holding onto him tight. 

“We’re going to do this.” Negan urged. “We’re going to make it.” 

“I want to.” Rick said.  _ “I want to. I don’t want this to be the end.” _

“It doesn’t have to be.” Negan said. 

“I want things to be better for us. I want us to be both be happy.”

“Come on, I want to show you something.” Negan said, pulling away.

“Okay.” Rick said, and he felt Negan’s fingers graze his, hanging on and leading him through the aquarium. 

Eventually they reached a door. 

“Negan, are we-

“Just trust me. And be very quiet.” Negan said. 

He opened the door and they walked inside, the room was dimly lit, lights coming from low, open tanks. 

“The touch part of the museum is never open for this event.” Negan said. “Doesn’t stop me from bringing everyone back here.”

“Sounds like you’ve never been caught.” Rick said.

“That’s right.”

“Well we’re cursed remember?” Rick reminded him.

“I’m not too fucking worried.” Negan said. “Now come here and touch some of this shit with me.”

Rick smiled and walked over, peering into the tanks. 

There was a small sting ray relaxing on the sand. 

“Should we touch these things?” Rick asked. “Shouldn’t there be a supervisor?”

“I’ve done this a thousand fucking times.” Negan said. “I know what I’m doing. They’re cool.”

Negan dipped his hand in the water and pet the sting ray, it stirred and began to swim around. 

“You go.” Negan said. 

Rick watched the sting ray glide back over, and he put his hand in the water in time for it to brush against his fingers. Rick laughed. 

“Why are we in here?” Rick asked. 

“Because. We needed one of those happy moments.” Negan said. “You were being a big fucking drag back there.”

“Oh  _ shut up _ .” Rick smiled. 

“I’m only teasing.” Negan whispered, leaning his head in close but pulling away to look at another tank. Rick blinked. 

“W-What are those over there?” Rick asked, pointing to another tank. 

“Those are horseshoe crabs.” Negan said. “You’ve never seen one before?”

“No.” Rick said. 

“They’re not really fun to touch. And they’re kind of boring.” 

Rick looked into another tank and saw a bunch of sea stars, sea cucumbers, and anemones. He didn’t know how long they spent in there, touching everything and walking around. 

“Here.” Negan said, holding out a bottle of hand sanitizer. “So you don’t turn into some radioactive starfish later.”

Rick smiled and held out his hands. “Thanks. But maybe the superpowers would help.”

“Hm, maybe. I’ll take the powers of the sea cucumber. I wonder what that would be.” Negan wiggled his eyebrows at Rick. 

Rick gave him a playful push. “Uh-huh.” 

“Okay, let’s get out of here before we get caught.” Negan said. 

Just then, the doorknob on the door started to turn. Negan grabbed Rick, opened a closet door, and shoved them both inside. The closet was barely big enough for one of them. 

They stayed silent. 

There were footsteps in the room now, two pairs, Rick thought. 

“No one’s in here.” A voice said. 

“Okay, but just a quick look.” Another voice said. 

Rick looked up at Negan, who was completely pressed against him. 

“Is that Michonne and Andrea?” Rick whispered.

“What? You think?” Negan whispered back. 

The door to the closet opened, and Rick and Negan spilled out and fell to the floor. 

“Rick? Negan?”

They both looked up to find Andrea staring down at them. Michonne watched with amusement from the sting ray tank. 

“Great minds think alike.” Michonne said. “But I wouldn’t have hid in the closet.”

“We thought you were staff.” Negan said. “How do you know about this room?”

Rick helped Negan to his feet. 

“I found it last year.” Andrea said. “How do  _ you _ know about it?”

“I found it years ago.” Negan said. “I didn’t realize it was the fucking hotspot.”

“Well, we’re going to go.” Rick said. “Too many people in here will make too much noise.”

They said goodbye and left Michonne and Andrea to themselves. 

“Close one.” Negan said. “In a lot of fucking ways huh?”

“Yeah.” Rick said. “Definitely.”

Negan grabbed two champagne glasses and handed one to Rick. 

“I think we deserve them.” He said. 

Rick smiled and took the glass. “Should we toast?”

“Yeah,” Negan said, clearing his throat, “To our first date.”

“Our first date.” Rick said. “Where we cry and talk about our depressing lives.”

“Maybe more people should do that.” Negan said. 

“I don’t think I agree with that.” Rick laughed. 

Negan shook his head. “I don’t know why I brought it all up. I...guess I’ve just been thinking about them a lot lately. Not that I’m ever not per se but…”

Negan sighed. 

“I think about mine all the time.” Rick said. “My people, my family. I get you.”

“I know you do.” Negan said. “That’s why I…”

Negan closed his eyes and gave a small laugh. 

“What?” Rick asked.

“That’s why I,” Negan slid his tongue in between his teeth, in an embarrassed way, “That’s why I think I like you.” 

“You do?” Rick asked. 

“Yeah. I think I do.” Negan said. “And look, I don’t know if it’s because subconsciously I’m thinking about all the fucking stakes here but...there’s something about you. You’re so different. You’re pretty special you know that?”

“I…” Rick didn’t know what to say. 

“Do you want to be my date to your brother’s wedding?” Negan asked, a small and shy, maybe sly, rabbit toothed grin on his face. 

The kind Rick couldn’t say no to.

“Yes.” Rick said. 

“Good.” Negan smiled, drinking the rest of his champagne. 

When they returned home, they picked up Judith and put her to bed. Rick was undoing his tie when Negan walked into their room, undoing his. They took off their suits and climbed into bed. 

“See?” Negan grinned when they lied under the covers. “I told you I’d get you in my bed.”

“Ha-ha.” Rick said dryly. 

“I had fun.” Negan said. “Did you?”

“Yeah.” Rick said. 

“I mean, yknow, the fish and the food. Not so much our topic of conversations.”

“I got you.” Rick said. “I had fun.”

“Good.” Negan said. 

They turned off the lights. Negan rolled around to plug in his phone, and Rick scooted closer and wrapped his arms around him. 

“What’s this?” Negan asked.

“Just...thought you might need it.” Rick said. 

Rick felt Negan’s hands rest on top of his own. Rick just wanted Negan to be happy. He wanted him to stop suffering, he wanted his days to feel like days and not like a countdown. Rick wanted the same for himself too. He closed his eyes.  

“Thanks Rick.” Negan said in the dark. “I do.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sry for the delay everyone


	24. Life In Rosy Hues

Over the next few days, Rick felt like something significant had changed. He could feel it in the air, feel it in the pit of his stomach. He noticed it when he was playing with Judith, out of his peripheral. Negan was watching them, but his eyes were on Rick, soft and thoughtful, crinkled from the smile on his face, which he would hide when Rick turned his head fully to face him.

For a moment, Rick felt like he was experiencing a vision in reality, in a future where they were together, happily playing outside with Judith and enjoying the weather together. And it didn't fade as Rick thought it would. 

The day of Jeffrey's wedding had arrived. Even Rick and Negan's friends were attending. Beth and Daryl were there just before they were to leave for the Appalachian Trail. And Maggie was there holding hands with Glenn, and having told him the news, it spread fast. Everyone knew now. Rick and Negan had picked up Carl from college, and Rick hugged him with all he had, just in case things didn't work out and it might be the last time. 

Rick wondered what the tarot card for Jeffrey and Claudia could possibly be about, and what it could end up meaning for those two. There wasn’t much to go on either, all he had was their wedding. And he was the best man. All he could think was that his job was to make sure the wedding went fine. 

As everyone sat down in the church, Rick headed to the back room, where the other groomsmen were waiting. He had made sure that Judith was alright and ready before he left, she was going to be their flower girl. Negan was among the groomsmen, and it had surprised Rick that Jeffrey picked him. But in the back room, Jeff was nowhere to be found. 

“Hey,” Rick said, “Where is he?” 

“I don't know.” One of Jeff’s childhood friends said. “We haven't seen him.” 

Rick sighed and looked to Negan.

“I'll help you find him.” Negan smiled. 

Rick and Negan left the back room and began to search. As they looked in all the church’s rooms, they couldn't figure out where Jeffrey could be. 

“Is he even here?” Rick asked.

“I saw him earlier.” Negan said. “He’s definitely here.” 

“I don’t understand why he would just go missing.” Rick said. 

“Well let’s not jump to conclusions.” Negan said. “He could be anywhere.”

“I’m just getting frustrated about this card.” Rick muttered.

“Already?”

“It’s Jeffrey. Of course I’m already frustrated. He can never just make things easy.”

Negan laughed. “Let’s keep looking.”

They peeked in other rooms, even checked the basement. 

“He’s not here.” Rick sighed.

“Maybe he had to get something from home?” 

Rick took out his phone and tried to call Jeffrey, but he didn’t pick up. 

“We should go see Claudia.” Rick said.

“Are you sure?” 

“Yeah, she's the only one at this point that can help us.” 

“Or we just panic the bride.” Negan said. “No big deal.”

“We have no choice.” Rick said.

They made their way upstairs to the room Claudia was using. They knocked.

“Y-yes?” Her voice said from the other side.

“Claudia?” Rick asked. “Have you seen Jeff anywhere by chance?”

The door opened, and Claudia was standing there in her normal clothes.

“Hey…” Rick said. “Shouldn't you be…”

Rick looked over when he noticed another person in the room. It was Jeff, who was currently taking off his tie.

“Jeff, what's going on?” Rick asked.

Claudia and Jeff looked at each other.

“We can't do this.” Claudia said.

“What.” Rick said. 

“We can't get married!” Jeff cried. “It's too soon, we don't even know if we want to get married at all!”

“Are you shitting me?” Rick asked, frustrated. He felt Negan's hand on his shoulder and sighed. 

“Jeff...what caused all this?” 

“We were thinking and...we don't want to marry yet. We want to be young and travel together first.”

Rick tried not to clench his fists or grit his teeth or do anything that would indicate his annoyance. But he had a feeling he was failing at that pretty hard, just as he had all his life when it came to his younger brother. 

“But now all those people are down there.” Jeff said. 

“You have to get married!” Rick cried. 

“Why?!” Jeff asked.

Rick sighed. It was obvious that he had to somehow salvage this wedding. But trying to convince his little brother to do anything was always going to be difficult.

“Because you came all this way. The ceremony is starting in ten minutes.” Rick said. “You guys love each other. You should get married, it’s what you wanted to do.”

“I don’t know.” Claudia said. “We do love each other, we do, but marriage?”

“Rick,” Negan interrupted, “You can't make them get married.”

“But they have to!” Rick said.

“No they don't.” Negan said. “Maybe we're here right now to help them not make the biggest mistake of their lives.”

Rick thought about it for a moment. The cards weren't always going to be obvious. Maybe The Lovers weren't supposed to wed, and that was what Rick had to make sure of. It was starting to make sense now. 

“Okay.” Rick said. “You're right. You two shouldn't do this if it's not right.”

“But all those people sitting down there…” Jeff said. “They're going to be pissed.”

“We’ll figure something out.” Negan said.

“Wait a minute…” Jeff said.

“What?” Rick asked.

“They can't be pissed about there not being a wedding if there  _ is _ a wedding.”

“What are you…” Rick started.

“You two should get married! Today! Right now!” Jeff exclaimed.

Rick blinked, his eyes growing wide.

“I...I don't…”

“Now I know it's not your design and all, but everyone's here and everyone's ready right?” Jeff asked.

Rick looked at Negan, who had put his hands in his pocket. 

“That would be great!” Claudia said. “It would work out perfectly.”

“Yeah but…” Rick started. 

“I mean…” Negan said. 

“What? What’s the problem?” Jeff asked. 

“I don’t know…” Rick said. “Yknow...I think we were planning an outside wedding…”

“Inside wouldn’t be so bad.” Negan murmured. 

“What?” Rick asked. “You mean...you’d want to get married?”

“Can we talk alone for a minute?” Negan asked, looking at Jeffrey and Claudia. 

“Of course, we’ll be right outside.” Jeffrey said. They left and shut the door behind them. 

“Negan.”

“Why not?”

“Because you don’t love me.” Rick said. 

“Rick.” Negan said, then he sighed. “Look. Things might not work out. I want everyone to have been able to experience our wedding, okay? Can you do that for me? And them?”

Rick closed his eyes. 

“And we’re already legally married. So this isn’t really that big of a deal.”

Rick opened his eyes. “You want our second date to be our wedding?”

Rick watched a shy rabbit toothed smile cross Negan’s face.

“Yeah Rick. I do.” 

Rick huffed a laugh out his nose and shook his head. “Okay. Fine. Let’s do it. Let’s save this wedding.”

Rick felt his breath catch in his throat when he thought about the post-it note Dale had left on the page for The Lovers. ‘Follow your heart’. So that’s what it had meant. He had to make sure his brother didn’t get married, and then he had to make sure  _ he _ did. 

“Great.” Negan said. “Thank you.”

“Of course.” 

But Rick couldn’t help but wonder if this would hinder them or help them. 

They opened the door, Jeffrey and Claudia were standing there, waiting. 

“We’re going to do it.” Negan said. 

“Oh, thank you!” Claudia said.

“We’re going to go downstairs, and then you guys can come whenever you’re ready.” Jeff said, smiling. “I’ll be standing in your old spot Rick.”

“Okay.”

“What about your bridesmaids?” Negan asked. 

“They won’t be mad, so long as you still let them stand there.” Claudia said. 

“Sure.” Negan laughed. 

Jeff and Claudia went downstairs, and Rick and Negan were left alone. 

“So how are we doing this?” Rick asked. 

“We just lock arms and walk each other down I guess.” Negan said. “Unless you want to stand and wait for me.”

“That was nerve wracking the first time I got married. Do you want to stand there and wait for  _ me _ ?”

“I was nervous too. The first time.” Negan said. 

“Okay then it’s settled. We’ll walk together.” Rick said. 

They took deep breaths. 

“Ok.” Negan said. “Then let’s do it.”

Rick looped his arm in Negan’s, and they walked down the steps. Rick couldn’t process that this was really happening. It felt like a dream, like it was all happening so fast at once that it would be gone before he could blink. He almost wanted it to be. He didn’t know if this was the right thing to do or not. But hell, they were doing it. There was no turning back now. 

The doors to the main room were already open, waiting. 

“Wait!” Rick said before they went through.

“What? What?” Negan asked.

“What are we doing about vows?” Rick asked.

Negan laughed. “We’ll figure it out. Just think about this as a union of our...friendship.”

“Right.” Rick said dryly. “Makes sense.”

“Come on.” Negan whispered. “Let’s go.”

Rick nodded, and they started to walk down the aisle. There were a few bitter looking faces as the plans had changed, but mostly everyone seemed just as thrilled and happy. Carl and Judith were grinning wide at the front, ecstatic that things had been switched up. Judith had already walked and laid the flowers down. 

Rick almost felt his knees give out when he heard the wedding procession. It was an instrumental version of La Vie En Rose, beautiful and romantic, picked because Jeff and Claudia were going to Paris for their honeymoon. Rick closed his eyes, just for half a second, but in it he saw him and Negan there. In Paris. Walking the streets arm in arm, the sun only just starting to set. It was peaceful, and in his imagination, he wasn’t the same person. He wasn’t broken by the world, he wasn’t someone who had killed, or who had been ravaged by circumstance. 

He was just a man in love. 

When Rick opened his eyes, he found that while he was still all those things, he was also still just a man in love. Hopelessly in love. With someone who was about to marry him that didn’t love him back. 

But maybe that was changing. And maybe it was changing faster than Rick thought. 

They walked down the aisle, and when they reached the end, they turned to face each other. 

Negan’s eyes were soft, and Rick closed his eyes again and took a deep breath. He tried to shake off the fact that Negan had never gotten to have a real wedding with the Other Rick. But Negan wanted to do this. 

Rick did a double take when he noticed that the priest was Father Gabriel, but he didn’t let the shock rest on his face for too long. He had grown used to seeing his old friends. Suddenly, Rick couldn’t fathom that he was really standing here, about to marry Negan. But he just couldn’t fucking care about that anymore. There was something about him, the connection, that he knew would be there whether he married him or not, killed him or not. They were connected. And he was just going to have to accept that. Across the board, in some way, shape, or form, he and Negan were meant to be together. 

As Gabriel read his sermon, Rick looked up at Negan, who looking down at him, smiling softly. Rick smiled back. 

“If you have any personal vows, you may say them now.” Gabriel said. 

Rick looked wide eyed at Negan, were they really going to say anything? But then Negan held up a finger, and dug around in his suit jacket with his other hand, until he pulled out a folded up piece of paper. He opened it. 

“Rick,” Negan started before Rick could say anything, “Our lives haven’t been easy. Over the past few months, you and I have both overcome certain challenges that have helped us grow closer together, even when it should have torn us apart. You’ve shown me something that wasn’t there before. A kind of strength that’s new. All these new things. Like the blue in your eyes and how sometimes they look feral...but mostly they’re soft. And you have this new way of laughing, and smiling...Rick. I know it’s been hard. And maybe I shouldn’t say it. But I’m glad you woke up the way you did. Because I think I needed someone like you in my life.”

Rick was pretty sure nobody in the audience had a clue what Negan was rattling on about, but Rick knew. 

“Negan,” Rick said, clearing his throat, “I never thought I could love someone like you. But then it turned out that we were so...similar. That our paths had crossed so many times before, in a lot of the same ways. I’m sorry the world has been tough on you. But the thing I love about you the most, is that despite it, you keep fighting. You keep hoping. You don’t give up, or give in. And that’s so admirable...and I love you for it. Because it inspires me to do the same. And I just hope that no matter what happens, you find happiness. Because you deserve it. You deserve it.”

Rick watched Negan close his eyes. 

“I take it you two don’t have rings.” Gabriel said. 

“They’re at home.” Negan said. 

Gabriel turned around, grabbed two flowers out of a vase, and turned back, handing them each one. 

“These will work.” he said. “Rick, do you take this man to be your wedded husband, and do you promise to be to him a true and devoted husband, true to him in sickness and in health, in joy and in sorrow, in prosperity and in adversity, and that you will love him for the rest of the your lives, until death do you part?”

“I do.” Rick said. 

“Negan, do you take this man to be your wedded husband, and do you promise to be to him a true and devoted husband, true to him in sickness and in health, in joy and in sorrow, in prosperity and in adversity, and that you will love him for the rest of your lives, until death do you part?”

“I do.” Negan grinned. “But not about that last part. We’re gonna be together for a long, long time.”

Rick and Negan exchanged the flowers. 

“You may now kiss the groom.” Gabriel said. 

Rick’s heart fluttered. This was their first real kiss. It was different than the night they hooked up, or when Rick had kissed him on the lawn. This was real. It was serious. And it was binding them together. 

Negan put his hand on Rick’s neck and leaned down and kissed him, their lips meeting soft and slow. Rick felt like it had lasted for an eternity. 

When they pulled away, Rick noticed Negan’s eyes were trained on him, staring intently into his. Rick didn’t have to say anything, he knew what Negan was looking at. It was his irises, swimming pool blue, hypnotizing. Rick wondered how many people he had been able to hypnotize with them already. 

Negan smiled softly, and Rick returned it. He didn’t know what this all meant. Or why exactly Negan had been so adamant about them getting married. He knew it was because Negan wanted their family to experience their wedding, but was that the only reason? And if not, Rick wanted to tell him not to play with his heart. Because he almost couldn’t take how close this felt, but how fake it felt too. 

But Rick also knew that their kiss had been the most real thing they had ever shared. 

And then the hope was back. 

Everyone cheered.

Because Jeff and Claudia were erratic, there was no real reception planned. Instead they all went across the street to a banquet hall for a buffet lunch and some dancing. La Vie En Rose played again as Rick and Negan had their first dance. 

“So,” Negan said as they danced, “We’re married.”

“We were already married.” Rick said. 

“Mm, no. I was married to my Rick. Now I’m married to you.” 

“What, you did that to try and save me? I already told you that wouldn’t work.”

“I know.” Negan said. “And I already told you why I wanted to get married. It was for all of them, and for the card, right?”

“Yeah,” Rick said, “Thanks for helping me out with that.”

“Of course. And we also needed something for our second date. I had to top the fuckin’ fish gala after all.”

“Well, you certainly did.” Rick said.

“Good, I was fucking worried for a second.”

“I like this song.” Rick said.

“Yeah me too.”

“Makes me want to go to Paris.”

“Maybe we can one day.”

Rick looked down at his feet. “Maybe you can go one day.” He said. 

“Don’t talk like that Rick.”

“Why?” Rick asked. “I’m just being honest.”

“Because maybe,” Negan said, spinning Rick, “I just can’t fucking handle honesty right now. Maybe I want to pretend we’re not in fucking reality. Just for the sake of our wedding.”

“Okay Prince Porcupine. Whatever you say.” Rick murmured. 

After their dance, they split up to do the rounds of talking to family and friends. Beth joined Rick by the buffet table. 

“Hey you.” She said. “So today took an interesting turn huh?”

“It sure did.” Rick said. “I still don’t entirely know what to make of it.” 

“Maybe it’s a good thing.” She said. 

“Maybe. All I know is that Negan seemed like he wanted to get married. He said it was to give all of y’all a good day and stuff but, I don’t know. Things are moving kind of fast. Not in a bad way either but...I don’t know. I just don’t want him to feel like he’s making himself fall in love with me just because he wants to save me.”

“I bet he has everything under control.” Beth said. “I think if he’s falling for you, it’s because he really is. Let it happen Rick.”

“I know...I should be thrilled, and I am but...I just don’t want there to be some catch yknow?”

“I got you.” Beth said. “But just because the stakes are high, doesn’t mean everything can’t work out.”

“I just love him so much Beth…” Rick said quietly. “If you had met him, you would know how crazy this is. But I just…”

Beth smiled. “Stop justifying. Just let it be.”

“You’re right.” Rick sighed. 

“Maybe he has to hear the same thing.” Beth said. “He might be feeling the same way about you. I bet he’s just as nervous about all of this.”

“Probably.” Rick said. “So, everything worked out with you and Daryl then?”

“Oh, yes.” Beth said. “We’re leaving soon and we’re so excited. Thank you, I know you helped.” 

Rick smiled sheepishly. 

“I take it your date went well if you’re already getting married.” Beth said. 

Rick laughed. “Yeah, it went great actually.” 

“Good.” Beth said. “Try to have fun today. It’s a good day.”

“Yeah. It is.” Rick said. 

“Rick...I’m sorry I won’t be around...if anything happens…” Beth started. 

“Beth.” Rick said. “It’s ok. You shouldn’t put your life on pause for me.”

“It just kills me inside that something could happen and I’ll be in the mountains. If you need me here, tell me, and I’ll stay.”

“Beth. Don’t. I want you to go.” Rick said. “I want to know you’re out there living your life having the adventure of a lifetime with the person you love most. That’s what I need from you.”

Beth reached out and gave Rick a big hug, and he returned it. 

“I’m so glad you’re here.” she whispered. “And I want you to stay here. So bad.”

“I’m glad you’re here too.” Rick said. “I couldn’t have done this without you. I don’t know what I’d be doing if you weren’t here.”

Beth pulled away, small tears in her eyes. “I love you Rick.”

“I love you too Beth.” Rick said, feeling a lump in his throat. Beth was his only connection to his old world. She was the kind of family he’d never have here. No matter how much he loved these versions of his friends and family, she was his true kin. 

“I’m going to do everything in my power to still be here when you get back.” Rick said. “I promise.”

“I believe in you.” Beth said. 

They parted ways, and Beth went to go find where Daryl had gone off to.

Rick found Negan sitting at a table by himself. He watched as Negan smiled when he approached, and he sat down to join him. 

“So you’re next card is the Governor.” Negan said. 

“Yeah,” Rick sighed, “Phillip Blake.”

“Wait. Phillip Blake?” Negan asked. 

“...You know him?” Rick asked. 

“Know him? Fuck. He’s the coach for our rival soccer team. We have the championships against him next weekend.”

“You have to be shitting me.” Rick said. “He’s a coach too?”

“I don’t know much about his life.” Negan shrugged. “I just know he coaches for the rival school and I fucking hate his guts. He’s tough competition.” 

Rick huffed a laugh, he couldn’t believe it. Negan and the Governor knew each other in this life. And they were enemies. It all made perfect fucking sense. Rick couldn’t help but wonder if the Governor had known Negan in his world. But he would never know for sure. 

“I’m going to have to do some serious digging on that guy.” Rick said. “This card already seems like the hardest. Plus it’s The Devil. And it is the last one, before me.”

“What do you think your card means?” Negan asked. 

“I don’t know. I have a feeling it’s not very good though.” Rick sighed. 

“Well, fuck, let’s not worry about cards right now. We have a honeymoon to think about.” Negan grinned. 

Rick snorted. “Uh-huh. Where do you wanna go?”

“Cozumel.”

“Not happening.” Rick said. “Pick someplace else.”

“What, you want to get away for the night?” Negan asked. 

“...What?” Rick asked. 

“Yeah yknow,” Negan said, “Carl’s home. He can watch Judith. You and I can go somewhere. Spend the night somewhere.”

“And do what?” Rick asked. 

“Just fucking relax and chill, Jesus  _ Grimes _ .” Negan said, giving a big rabbit toothed grin. “Don’t you want a night off from being a parent? We can chill out and do whatever we want. Go someplace with a hot tub or something. Maybe one of those weird love hotels just for kicks.”

“I’m already running out of time here,” Rick said, “I’m not looking to catch anything that would speed up the process.”

“Ok, fine.” Negan said. “Well, we’ll brainstorm.”

As if sensing their conversation, Jeffrey walked up to their table. 

“Hey,” He said, “Congrats.”

“Thanks.” Rick laughed.

“Hell of a day.” Jeffrey said. “You know I was thinking, me and Claudia had a reservation at the hotel down the road, but we don’t need it anymore. Maybe you guys want it?”

Negan looked at Rick, and Rick looked at Negan. It might be nice to get away. 

“Okay.” Rick said. 

“And it’s not lame either.” Jeffrey said. “There’s a couples massage at 7 that’s still reserved and then they’ll send you up room service so you can relax more.”

“Sounds great. Thanks Jeff.” Negan said. 

“Of course.”

“So, you still going to Paris then?” Rick asked.

“Yeah,” Jeffrey said, “Guess we’ll have to pick a different song to walk down the aisle too. If we get married I mean.”

Rick rolled his eyes playfully, and then Judith and Carl were running up to their table. 

“Hey!” Carl said. “Congratulations. I can’t believe you guys just got married like that.”

“Yeah well...it was pretty unexpected.” Rick said. 

“Yay!” Judith squealed. “You’re married!”

“Yep,” Rick said, “And you made the best flower girl ever.”

“I did?” She asked. 

“Yes!” Negan said. “You were the best!”

“Good!” Judith said. 

“So,” Rick said, looking at Carl, “I think me and Negan are going to spend the night at Jeff’s hotel instead of him, could you watch Judith?”

Rick felt embarrassed asking Carl that, he wanted to ensure Carl it wasn’t for any deviant purposes, but he figured no matter what he said, Carl wouldn’t believe him. But Carl was more than happy to watch Judith. And Rick just couldn’t figure out why Negan was so adamant about them having a tiny honeymoon. Maybe it was just to spend more time with him, and see what could happen. But Rick was thinking about love, not anything physical. And he knew Negan wasn’t naive. Negan knew just what exactly this implied. 

But he had also been sure to tell Rick they were just going to relax and chill, so maybe Rick needed to do the same. 

After the reception, Rick and Negan took the kids home, changed, and packed a small bag for the hotel. They left Carl with money for pizza and then they were getting back into Lucille. The conversation in the car was light, and Rick found himself already laughing with Negan. They just  _ got along _ , he thought. 

Why couldn’t his Negan had been like this one? 

Then everything would have been different. And maybe there wouldn’t be so much pain in the world. 

They checked into Jeff’s room and went straight to the massage. After getting changed, they lied down on the tables. Rick felt himself drifting off almost immediately. 

When Rick opened his eyes, he was still in the same room, but something was different. It was still dimly lit, but not relaxing. The lights were red, and Rick felt his stomach drop. As far as he knew, he was alone. He got up off the table and when he went to jump off, his feet didn’t reach the ground. Instead, he fell, several stories, until he hit something below. 

And then he was hearing something, like the sound of a metal hitting metal, drawing closer. Rick scrambled up and tried to run, but he couldn’t move. And he didn’t know what was coming, but the sound was getting louder and louder. 

And then it wasn’t metal hitting metal anymore. It was the sound of walkers, hundreds of them. Only Rick couldn’t see. He could only feel the hands grab him. He tried to move, but there were too many of them. And he was so tired. 

He tried to scream. 

“Rick?” 

“RICK?”

Rick opened his eyes and jumped to his knees, his chest heaving up and down. The two masseuses and Negan were around him, watching him. 

“Did you...have a nightmare?” The masseuse to his left asked. 

“Y-yeah.” Rick said.

“I’m sorry, sometimes our clients fall asleep but usually the dreams are pleasant.” The masseuse looked apologetic. 

“It’s not your fault.” Negan said. “He gets those sometimes.”

Rick blinked and looked down, his hands shaking against the fabric on the table. Still? He was still afraid of walkers?

Negan thanked the masseuses and they left, leaving Rick and Negan to head back to the changing room. 

“Are you okay?” Negan asked, placing a hand on Rick’s shoulder. 

“I’m…” Rick stopped himself. “I’m tired of being afraid.”

“Come on.” Negan said. “Let’s go back to our room and we’ll just fucking relax ok?”

“Yeah.” Rick said. “Ok.”

When they returned to their room, Rick immediately sat on the bed, throwing his shoes to the floor. He closed his eyes and sighed, then felt the weight of Negan joining him. 

“How are you?” Negan asked. 

“A little better.” Rick said. 

“What did you dream about?” Negan asked. 

“Walkers.” Rick sighed. 

“Well, you’re safe here.” Negan said. “You never have to deal with that ever again.”

“I know.” Rick said. “I just thought I was past that.”

“Rick...you’re never going to be past it.”

Rick looked over at Negan.

“You’re not.” He said. “It’s always going to be a part of you. But it doesn’t have to consume you, or weigh you down. It’s something you have to deal with, but you don’t have to deal with it alone. Okay?”

“Okay.” Rick said. 

Rick sat back and thought about the day, how crazy it was. Something occurred to Rick. 

“Negan...when did you write down those vows? We were together the entire time we were looking for Jeff. When did you write them?”

“I...well…it wasn’t written as vows.” Negan said. “I wrote that in case…just in case anything happened to you. It was stuff I wanted you to know. I’ve been carrying it around for a little bit now.” 

Rick blinked, feeling tears behind his eyes. 

“But then I figured, I should just tell you them now. At our wedding. But Rick. I don’t think anything bad is going to happen to you.”

“You can’t be sure of that.” Rick said. 

“I  know I can’t.” Negan said. “But I’m not letting you go without a fucking fight.”

Rick looked at Negan. “I’m glad it was you, and not anybody else.”

“Why’s that?” Negan asked. 

“Because if anyone would get in a fist fight with God or the universe or whatever...it would be you.” Rick smiled. “Or rather...it would be you that would win. I have a lot of people that would probably fight all sorts of things for me, but I think you’d win.” 

“Damn fucking straight.” Negan said. “I’ll take down anybody for you. I mean it Rick. Nobody messes with the people I care about and...I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone quite like you.”

“I feel the same way about you.” Rick said. 

“And I want you to know...that that’s because of everything you’ve been through. All that stuff you hate about yourself is the stuff I...really admire about you. It’s the stuff that makes you so fucking strong and amazing.”

Rick took a deep breath. “Thanks Negan.”

Negan got off the bed and dug in his bag, he returned to his spot next to Rick. 

“What’s that?” Rick asked. 

Negan held up the engagement rings that had been sitting in their bedroom for the last month or so. 

“Try it on.” Negan said. 

Rick took the ring and slid it on. It fit perfectly, as they both knew it would. 

Negan put his on. “We can just act like for one fucking moment, everything is good in the world.” 

“Negan do you…” Rick trailed off. He couldn’t do it. He couldn’t ask. But everything Negan had done so far all felt like acts of love. And maybe they were. But love had many forms, and Rick just couldn’t bear to ask if Negan’s was the kind he really needed. 

“Hm?” Negan asked. 

“Nothing.” Rick said, looking at the ring. “Will you let me know when you’re going to see Phillip Blake next? So I can come?”

“Yeah of course.” Negan said. 

“Okay, thanks.” But Rick didn’t want to think about the next card right now. All he could think about was the man lying next to him. 

“Are you hungry?” Negan asked. 

“Yeah.”

“Great. Cause you should see this fucking menu.” Negan said, grabbing the menu off the nightstand and showing Rick the extensive options the hotel offered. “And it all gets delivered to our room.”

Rick took the menu from Negan and they looked through it. 

“This.” Rick said.

“That lobster costs a hundred dollars.” Negan said. 

Rick turned and looked at him. 

“No.” Negan said. “I don’t give a shit if we’re married. I’m shutting that shit down, you’re not going to get everything you want just because you’re in this world against your will and you’ve got those...eyes.”

“Negan.” Rick said. “Half the money we make is mine.”

“Uh no.” Negan said. “The money you make is from the Other Rick’s pension. You didn’t do fucking squat.” 

“I’m getting it.” Rick said, and he leaned over Negan to grab the phone. 

“No you’re not!” Negan said, and he grabbed Rick by the waist and pulled him away from the phone. 

Rick had managed to grab the phone anyway, but as Negan grabbed him and pulled him onto his back, the phone fell out of his hands and onto the floor. Rick scrambled out of Negan’s hands and reached for the phone. 

“Rick!” Negan said, and he grabbed Rick by his pants. 

Rick undid his pants button and slid out, falling off the bed onto the floor, the phone in his hand. 

“You fucking cheater!” Negan cried. 

Rick turned to look at him and gave him an evil smile, but while he was looking on the back of the phone for the taped on number for the concierge, Negan had launched off the bed, colliding with him. 

“You’re not buying lobster that costs a hundred dollars!” Negan said.

“Yes I am!” Rick growled. 

Negan grabbed the phone, and Rick went to bite Negan’s arm. 

“You can’t fucking bite me!” Negan gasped, but there was a small laugh under his yell. 

They stood up, huffing. Negan had the phone in his hand. 

_ “Rick. Stop looking at me like that.” _ Negan breathed. 

“Negan…” Rick said lowly, “Give. Me. The. Phone.”

_ “No.”  _ Negan said. 

_ “Negan. Don’t make me hurt you.” _

Rick saw Negan’s eyes grow wide as he charged him, grabbing the taller man around the torso and sending them both back onto the bed. 

“You’re not getting this phone!” Negan cried. 

Rick was on top of him, grabbing at his arms. Negan started to laugh. 

“Stop! You’re making me...lose...energy.” Negan laughed, trying to tuck the phone behind his head. 

“Give me that!” Rick said, scooting up to try and get the phone that Negan was now stuffing in the pillows behind him. 

Rick heard the phone fall behind the headboard, and then he was leaning forward past Negan’s head to try and get it. Rick felt Negan’s hands on his hips, and then Rick realized that he climbed up so far that Negan’s face was practically buried in his crotch now. Rick sat back faster than he had ever done anything, the phone in his hand. He dropped it onto the sheets, staring at Negan with wide, bewildered eyes as he sat on his stomach. 

Negan’s hands were still on his hips. 

They stared at each other for a few moments. And then they were rushing towards each other until they were kissing. But even though the last time this had happened they were fighting over a remote, and now they were fighting over a phone, there wasn’t any hatred behind it. 

Rick still had a small feeling that while they were making out, they were still fighting over the phone.

Rick didn’t know how long they kissed, there was a brief intermission for them to take off their shirts, and for Negan to slide off his pants, and then they were back to kissing again. Rick was leaning down to kiss Negan, and he felt Negan’s hands on his waist, one sliding down his boxers to grab his ass. 

“Tell me this is real.” Rick said, as he put his forehead against Negan’s.

“It’s real.” Negan said. 

And then he kissed him again, and Rick felt his boxers being pulled down. 

“We didn’t bring anything.” Rick said. 

“Go into my bag.” Negan said. 

Rick pulled away and gave Negan a look, but he didn’t want to press him just yet. He did as Negan said and found that he had indeed packed the bottle of lube that they had used weeks ago. Rick climbed back on top of Negan, who had taken off his own underwear in the meantime. 

Rick pressed the bottle into Negan’s hand and kissed him again. He let Negan uncap it while he kissed his face and his neck. 

And then Negan was grabbing Rick by the hips.  

Rick inhaled a sharp breath, and he felt like he was going to wake up out of a dream any second. But their rhythm was too real, the feelings too vivid. He didn’t know how exactly this had all happened, but it also felt completely planned at the same time. They just hadn’t verbalized it. 

Rick pushed his fingers through Negan’s hair, ruffling it up and grabbing it to hold onto. Negan’s fingernails were pushing into Rick’s sides, but he liked how secure it made him feel. Suddenly it felt like they were the only two people in the entire world, and Rick couldn’t help but think about how different this felt than the first time. This felt more loving, more real, more emotional. 

Negan was kissing Rick’s neck and chest as Rick moved on top of him. Rick nearly melted as quiet moans escaped Negan’s throat. Rick felt Negan’s hand leave his waist and grab his chin, pulling his head down to look at him. Their eyes met, lids dipping at the pleasure, and while Rick knew Negan had wanted to see his blue eyes, Rick couldn’t help but think of how beautiful Negan’s were. Light brown, maybe a little green. But maybe there were more reasons for this, Rick thought. Maybe Negan wanted to know that Rick was a different person this time, and for some reason it made Rick feel even better, like Negan knew what he was doing and he was okay with it. He wanted this. 

After moving slowly, Rick rocked faster, making Negan shiver. And then it was like a race to the finish, although Rick never wanted it to end. Rick gasped, spilling onto Negan. Negan grabbed Rick’s waist and cried out, and then they were both catching their breath, bodies weak. 

Negan closed his eyes. Rick dipped his head, taking deep breaths. Rosy hues in both their faces. 

Rick picked up the phone and dialed the concierge. 

“I win.” He said to Negan, and he caught his breath and said into the phone, “Two lobsters. Yeah, the meals. Room 113.”

He looked at Negan, who was giving a wheezy laugh. Rick hung up the phone and let it drop back onto the bed. They stared at each other for another minute. Rick closed his eyes and stretched his neck. 

Rick felt Negan’s fingers trailing the outside of his thighs, grabbing lightly to get his attention.

“Hey.” Negan murmured. 

Rick opened his eyes and looked down at Negan, and realized that both their eyes were glossy. 

“Yeah?” Rick asked, leaning forward to touch his forehead against Negan’s. 

“I think…” Negan said. 

Rick waited for Negan to finish, felt his fingers still trailing his skin. He blinked and pulled away, looking at Negan, waiting. 

Rick felt like his whole world was being pulled from all directions. But not pulled apart. Pulled together. 

Negan cleared his throat and continued. 

_ “I think I’m in love with you.” _

Rick stared down at Negan, into his eyes, and it was like the world had stopped and been put on pause. 

Rick felt his heart stop along with it. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ❤


	25. The Drive

Later that night, when they were both fast asleep, Rick was having a dream. He was running in place, reaching out every thirty seconds, trying to grab the young man in front of him. Trying to reach him, but struggling. Why couldn’t he reach him? The boy with the smiling face? Why was he so far away?

Rick was down at a path, tall grass growing around him, there was a large hill up ahead, a large, inviting tree waiting. And up there. The young man with the signature laugh. He could hear it, softly in the distance, just barely. 

Why couldn’t he get there?

\---

“What do you mean you think you’re in love with me.” Rick said, looking down at Negan. 

It couldn’t be real, or true, or genuine. It just couldn’t. But why not? Hadn’t they been through hell together? It made perfect sense. It seemed right. 

“I just…” Negan started. “I do. I think I really do.”

“Really.” Rick whispered. 

“Yeah.” Negan whispered back. 

“Are you...sure?”

Rick felt Negan put his hands on Rick’s forearms, holding tight, as though Rick might fall through the earth. 

“I’m sure.”

They stared at each other for a minute. 

“Do you feel...different?” Negan asked. 

“No.” Rick said. “Should I?”

“I don’t know, does it feel like you could still die?” 

Rick felt his heart skip another beat, the anxiety of his situation coming back again. But he just didn’t know the details. 

“It’s not really a feeling.” Rick said. “And I’m not sure if I’m going to know.”

“So what do we do?”

“We deal with Phillip I guess.” Rick murmured. 

“Rick…”

“What?”

“I don’t _ think. _ I  _ know _ .” Negan said. “I was afraid of it. But no. I know. I  _ am _ in love with you.”

“How?” Rick asked. “When?”

“I’m not sure. I think it was just...gradual. And now it just finally hit me that...I don’t want to be apart from you. I don’t want you to sleep somewhere else or live somewhere else or be with anybody else.”

Rick leaned down and put his forehead against Negan’s. He couldn’t believe it. But he didn’t want to fight it. He didn’t want to resist it. He trusted Negan. And he loved him. And maybe he was going to be fine after all. 

“And fuck. It’s crazy. It’s so fucking crazy. But it’s real Rick. It’s happening. Right here in this room. Right now. I love you. And I feel like it was meant to be.”

Rick felt himself shaking, everything he was was boiling inside him now, his past lives, and all the ones he had yet to live, all churning and flowing in him. And he couldn’t believe that the man he had been so terrified of, was now the man he wanted to be with forever. And he didn’t know how or why, all he knew was that he was experiencing something he hadn’t felt in a long time. 

Happiness. 

“You’re not him.” Negan said. “And I don’t want you to be. I want you to be you. Flaws and fuckin’ all. I want  _ you  _ Grimes. I want the Rick that woke up that day in October.”

“Then you got him.” Rick whispered, his eyes watering.

“Good.” Negan said, running his thumb over Rick’s wavering bottom lip. “Good.” 

“I love you so much.” Rick said softly. “You’re all I’ve ever wanted. And I thought that would be impossible. In the beginning, I was told I was supposed to make things right, and love you. And I didn’t know how I was going to do that. And then it happened, so quickly and so fast that my head hasn’t stopped spinning. And I never thought it’d be you that would have to fall in love with me.” 

“Oh Rick...all I want,” Negan said, “Is to spend the rest of our lives together. With our children.”

“I’m going to do everything in my power to make sure that happens.” Rick said. 

Negan smiled, and then smirked, and then gave Rick a sly rabbit toothed grin.

“Well, now that that’s finally out of the fucking way...and all sorted out...and accepted...now we can make up for some lost ti-

There was a knock on the door. 

Room service. 

“Better get dressed.” Negan said, disappointed.

They got off the bed and quickly put on some clothes, Rick answered the door and their meals were wheeled in. 

Rick heard Negan take a deep breath. 

“I know.” Rick said. “It was 200 dollars. But-

Rick lifted the metal tins. 

“Looks good, doesnt it?”

Negan closed his eyes and sighed a laugh. “Yeah, it does.”

Rick smiled. “Let’s eat then.”

“Or,” Negan said, “Let’s eat,  _ then… _ ” Negan walked over and lifted Rick’s head to kiss him. “What do you say?”

“I say... _ I do _ .” Rick said. 

Negan snorted, and kissed him again.

It was the best night of sleep Rick had had yet while being here. But also one of the strangest. Besides falling asleep in the reciprocating arms of Negan, he was also having one of the weirdest dreams. About running in place, unable to reach the top of a large hill. Unable to reach the young man that waited there. 

He didn’t know if it was a good dream or a nightmare.

The next morning Rick and Negan got ready to leave the hotel. 

“So now you just have your last little assignment from Dale.” Negan said. 

“Yeah.” Rick said. “And it doesn’t seem easy.”

“I have your back.” Negan said. “Whatever it is, I’ll be there if you need me to be. You can count on me.”

“Thank you.” Rick said. 

The Devil. Rick thought about that on the ride home. Hell, he would have assumed the devil would have been all Negan. He wondered what The Governor was like in this life. He coached, just like Negan. It was kind of funny. Guess coaches are just assholes.

Rick didn't know much about Phillip to begin with, so he couldn't imagine what problem the man had that needed fixing. Dale mentioned something about addiction. Maybe that was it. 

He thought about what Dale’s note had said in the library book: Remember who you were before.

Who he was before? Before what? Before this or before the apocalypse?

Who was Rick before the outbreak?

Gentle. Soft. Kind. Talkative, too talkative, according to Lori. Too nice - laughed at way too many of Shane's shitty jokes. Gave too many people second chances.

But wasn't that what this was? Dale trying to give him a second chance and the universe saying no fucking way? 

It seemed Rick had been given too many chances. At least he and fate agreed on something. 

So what? He had to remember his old self in order to help Phillip? 

Rick took a deep breath, trying to exhale the building stress and anxiety that always seemed to come at the start of these cards. Especially when that person was, in many ways, a stranger. Phillip was the only person on these cards that Rick didn't know personally during his time here. Approaching him and asking him to reveal all his deepest and most painful secrets wasn’t going to be easy. Or even doable. Rick would have to find some way to coax it out of the man. 

Then there were butterflies, fluttering up, crowding the space that held all of Rick’s anxieties. And then he was smiling. Like a fool. Maybe like  _ the  _ fool. But that would come later. Because he remembered that the man driving next to him was in love with him. And that was the greatest feeling in the world. 

“Looks like Carl took Judith out.” Negan said as they pulled into their driveway. “I wonder how much time we have.”

“For what?” Rick asked, a small smile forming on his face.

Negan rolled his eyes playfully. “Oh  _ I don’t know _ . I was thinking we could put together a puzzle. You know, real boring shit.”

“Where do you think they went?” Rick asked, ignoring Negan’s teasing. 

“Probably to get fast food.” Negan sighed. “Either way, car’s gone. So what do you say we get in there and hop to it.”

“You’re so…” 

“Right? All the fucking time? Forever and always?”

Rick undid his seatbelt. 

“Hey,” Negan said as Rick opened the car door, “You still got that electric blue underwear on right?”

“Yeah.” Rick said. “Why?”

“Cause it drives me fucking wild.” Negan grinned. 

Rick got out and shut the door, trying not to run into the house. Negan was fast behind him, and when it turned out that Carl had indeed taken Judith somewhere, they were at each other like the world was ending. Well hey, you never know. 

All Rick could think about was the feeling of it all. The feeling of Negan nearly tossing him onto their bed, his body colliding and sliding with the fabric of the sheets. Negan’s hand down his pants, fingers finding their way past those boxer briefs he seemed to like so much. Negan’s mouth on his skin, his grip on Rick’s hair. The mutual love radiating out of both of them, threatening to set the room on fire. 

It was all overwhelming in the most beautiful way. 

And all Rick wanted to do was to spend so many more early afternoons like this, tangled up in Negan’s arms. All he had to do was finish this card, and then find out what The Fool meant, and then he’d be free. He just knew it. 

Maybe it could be that easy. 

But maybe it couldn’t. 

“I love you.” Negan said again. “And I hated you at first. So fucking much. But I should have known I’d love you. I should have known it as soon as you told me who you were. Because I hated him too. At first.”

“Kind of makes you wonder what my life could have been like with the other version of you.” Rick said.

“Fuck him.” Negan said. 

Rick closed his eyes and exhaled a deep breath. 

“Are you thinking about all of them?”

“Yes.” Rick said.

“Trust them.”

“That’s what Dale said.” Rick murmured. 

“Rick. I’m sorry.”

“It’s not you.”

“But it is.”

“But…” Rick looked up into Negan’s eyes. “But it was me too. It was all of us. It was the world. It was circumstance.”

“Rick.” Negan said, with a serious tone. “Did your family kill people and fucking laugh about it?”

“No.”

“Exactly. It wasn’t you too, Rick. It wasn’t any of you. It was me and the people beside me. We made our choices. You can blame circumstance as a catalyst, but we made our choices. Your Negan made his choice. And you made yours.”

Negan stroked the back of his hand down Rick’s face gently. 

“And that version of me made the wrong ones.” He said. “Is it...wrong that...I’m happy he did? I mean, fuck. I don’t mean it like I’m glad you were brutally murdered in front of your family but...I just...fuck. I don’t know what I’d do without any version of you.”

“It’s…” Rick stopped. “I’m...I’m kind of happy he did too. In a way. I feel guilty saying that. I shouldn’t feel that way but I do. What’s wrong with me?”

“Nothing.” Negan said quickly. “You fought hard enough. You deserve this life.”

It was the first time that had occurred to Rick. That he deserved this life. To rest. To love. To be free from the undead. Why didn’t fate, or whatever it was, feel the same?

Rick didn’t think he’d ever escape that level of survivor’s guilt. He would just have to carry it somehow. But Negan was there to shoulder it. 

He knew that. 

“I love you.” Rick said. 

“I love you too.”

Rick smiled and closed his eyes again. 

When they returned downstairs, Carl had arrived back with Judith and a bag of fast food in tow. He looked scared when he saw Negan. 

“Oh, this...there was no food…” He started. 

“It’s ok.” Rick said. “Negan’s warming up to the idea of processed food.”

“No I’m not.” Negan mumbled. “But I’ll allow it.” 

Judith plopped down in front of the tv with her food while Carl joined his dads in the kitchen. 

“So...everything is a lot better here.” Carl said. 

“Yeah,” Negan smiled, “It is.”

“I was really worried about you.” Carl said, looking at Rick. 

“I know you were.” Rick said. “I’m sorry. There was just a lot to sort through, mentally, after waking up.”

Negan snorted. 

“And now you’re married.” Carl said. “That was kind of...crazy.”

“A little bit.” Negan grinned. “But we had to save the day.”

“Uncle Jeffrey is really spontaneous.”

“Don’t get me started.” Rick muttered. 

“Are you guys going to go on a honeymoon then?” Carl asked.

Rick hadn’t even had time to think about that. Hell, he didn’t even realize Negan loved him until after the wedding. But it felt too soon to plan something like that. Rick felt like he was holding his breath, and if he exhaled even once in the direction of the future everything would collapse in front of him. He couldn’t risk it. There was still work to do.

“Maybe.” Negan said. “But probably not for a while.”

“Yeah.” Rick said. “There’s a lot going on right now.”

“Well, I’m just saying.” Carl started, “That it would be really sweet to take your favorite kids somewhere.”

“Isn’t a honeymoon just supposed to be the people who got married?” Negan asked, a playful glint in his eyes. 

“Maybe traditionally. But I don’t think there’s anything traditional about the way you two got married.”

Rick laughed. “Where do you want to go Carl?”

“Somewhere tropical.” 

“We’ll think about it.” Rick said. 

And he hoped they’d get to.

After they took Carl back to college, it was time to focus on the next card. That meant meeting Phillip for the first time at the next soccer game. 

Rick went with Negan to the soccer fields shortly after the weekend. Phillip would be there, but their teams weren’t playing against each other. That came later. But he had a game on another field in the same park, so Rick was prepared to scout and see what he could find out about the man. 

“Look,” Negan said when they got there, “All I know, is that he’s a fucking asshole.”

“That’s funny, coming from you.” Rick said cooly.

“I mean it.” 

“You’re just rivals.”

“Maybe.” Negan muttered. 

“And he doesn’t know me, never met me, or anything?”

“Nope. You two are strangers.”

Rick stood by Negan for a while as the games started, and as they got underway, he split off to find Phillip. Negan had pointed him to Phillip’s team, The Woodbury Walruses. 

“The...what?”

“I know.” Negan said. “Can you imagine losing to The Woodbury Walruses?”

Rick started to walk across the large soccer park, stopping about halfway when he finally made Phillip out. He felt his stomach drop for a moment. It was really him. Only he didn’t have an eyepatch. Rick swallowed and kept walking until he got to a tree. He leaned against it and watched. 

There wasn’t anything unusual, Phillip was coaching, standing just like Negan at the sideline. He’d shout occasionally, but there wasn’t anything about this that was indicating what was wrong with him. All the soccer teams playing today were girls teams, and they were all really good at the sport. Rick found himself getting distracted by the game, but eventually he peeled away and focused back on Phillip. 

“You guys can do this!” He shouted. 

Cheers erupted as The Woodbury Walruses scored another goal. Rick found himself rooting for them, even if they were Negan’s rival team. 

But he wasn’t getting anything from watching. During halftime, Rick decided to make his move. He put his hands in the pockets of his jacket and walked down. 

“Hey,” Rick said, “You’re Phillip Blake right?”

“Hm? That’s right.”

“I’m Rick.”

“Can I help you with anything Rick?” Phillip asked. 

Rick noticed that while he didn’t have an eyepatch, he did have a glass eye.

“I was just wondering what sort of soccer teams you guys have. Is this a travel team? Do you guys do that?”

“Yeah we’re all travel teams.” Phillip said. “We’re connected to some schools, but none of us represent any of them.”

“Oh that’s great.” Rick said. “I was thinking of enrolling my daughter when she’s old enough. She’s a little too young now.”

“How old is she?” Phillip asked.

“She’s five.”

“That’s not as young as you think, you could sign her up when she’s 7.” 

“Yeah I think she’d like that.” Rick said. And he felt like he was forgetting something, something about Phillip. Something important. 

Rick looked out at the team. 

“Is one of them yours?” He asked. 

He watched as something crossed over in Phillip’s eye. 

“No.” He said. “My daughter used to...be on the team. But not anymore. She passed away, actually.”

“I’m...I’m sorry.” Rick said.

And there it was. 

That was what The Devil needed help with. 

“Anyway I have a card around here, our team is no doubt going to be around for a while, so if you need to try out for a team, you can come to us.”

Rick took the card, thanked Phillip, and left. He had gotten the information he needed for the time being. But it was funny, if Judith were to ever play travel soccer, she’d be on Negan’s team. 

Maybe. 

“You figure out what he needs?” Negan asked when Rick returned to his side. 

“Possibly.” Rick sighed. But he wasn’t sure what to do. 

“You still going to follow him after the games?” Negan murmured. 

“Yeah.” Rick said. They had taken separate cars, with the intent that Rick would follow Phillip and see what he did in his free time. 

It turns out, not much. 

Phillip went to the bar, which Rick half expected. Rick sat in his car across the street, waiting for him to get out. Eventually he did. 

Then the man went home. Rick could see in through the window that Phillip just sat on his couch and ate a frozen dinner. Then he drank more. And Rick thought maybe he saw something else, drugs maybe. All he knew was that one moment Phillip’s head was in view, then it wasn’t, then Phillip was swinging his head back and his hand was on his nose. 

Rick had been on the force long enough to know what cocaine use looked like from a distance. 

The Governor was spiraling, and there was only one man who could help him. 

And it wasn’t Rick. 

Somehow Rick would have to convince Negan to have a heart to heart with his number one rival. And somehow Rick would have to convince  _ Phillip _ to do the same. 

It was definitely the hardest card yet. 

When Rick got home it was dark, Negan was sitting on the couch, waiting for him. 

“So Detective,” Negan mused, “What did you find out?”

“He’s not well.” Rick said. “Drinking, drug use. He lost a daughter. Did you know that?”

“Fucking shit. No, I didn’t I...I mean maybe I remember hearing something about that but not really...I guess it didn’t rest on my mind too long…” Negan said. 

“Well he did.” Rick said. “And it’s the source of all his self destructive behavior.”

“Wow. Shit. What the fuck are you supposed to do with that?” 

“Me? Nothing.” Rick said. “But you. You could help.”

“What?” Negan snorted. 

“Negan,” Rick pleaded, “Will you talk to him? About Lucille?”

“About...are you fucking serious?” Negan asked. “Talk to that asshat about my dead wife?”

_ “Negan _ , he’s going to wind up killing himself if he goes on like this. And I can’t help him. I know I can’t. All this time I was surprised that it wasn’t you on the card. But it is. In a way. The Devils.”

“Oh jesus fucking…” Negan rolled his eyes, but he closed them, and sighed. “Fine. For you? Anything.”

“Thank you.”

“But it’s not gonna just happen out of the fucking blue. I can’t just mosey on fucking up to him at the next game like ‘Hey wanna talk about your dead daughter? I can totally fucking relate’. Yeah, I have a feeling that’s not going to happen.” Negan said. 

“Don’t worry about that. That’s where I come in on this.”

“And you’re  _ sure _ ? Like positively sure that I’m the one that has to do this?”

“Yes.” Rick said. “I’m completely sure.”

And he was. Rick’s part in this was to remember who had been before. Compassionate and kind. That’s what Phillip needed, but not entirely. He needed that part of Rick to coax him into trusting Negan. 

Rick could do that. 

He found his hands in his pockets again soon after at the next game. Negan’s team, The Vampire Bats, were going up against Phillip’s team. Rick walked over early on. He couldn’t waste any time thinking too much about this. 

If anything, his time was running out faster now. And he had to get this taken care of.

“Oh, you again. What’s your name?” Phillip asked when Rick approached. 

“Rick Grimes.”

“Grimes. Wait. Like. Negan Grimes?” Phillip asked, squinting his eyes. 

“Yeah.” Rick said. “Exactly like that.”

“No fucking shit...so what, he had you trying to  _ what?  _ Cause I highly doubt you didn’t know who I was and I also highly doubt your daughter would play for the Woodbury Walruses.”

Rick smiled sheepishly. “Well.”

“So what is it? What do you want?”

“I want you to talk to him.”

“To who? Negan?” 

“Yeah.”

“About what?” Phillip asked, irritated. 

“About your daughter.” Rick said bluntly.

There was a silence. 

Phillip cleared his throat.

“Now why...the fuck...would I want to do that?”

“Because,” Rick said, “You’ve experienced similar loss. And a similar aftermath.”

“What does that mean?”

“It means you need help Phillip.” Rick said. “And I can’t give it to you. But Negan can. He understands. Trust me.”

Phillip laughed bitterly. “I’m not doing shit. Why should you want to help me anyway?”

“It’s important that you get help.” Rick said. 

“I’m not going to talk to him.” Phillip said. “We hate each other. There’s nothing he can give me.”

“Aren’t you tired of living the way you live?” Rick asked. “Aren’t you sick of tv dinners and alcohol and drugs?”

Phillip’s eyes grew wide, he looked around to see if anyone had heard. 

“I’m sorry, have you been stalking me or something?” Phillip growled. 

“Just trust me.” Rick said. “You and I are not strangers. Let me help you, let Negan help you.”

“Tell you what Rick.” Phillip said, smiling darkly. “You get Negan to lose this game, and I’ll talk to him if it’s so important to you.”

“What?” Rick laughed. “We can’t get our team to lose on purpose.”

“Then you better pray The Woodbury Walruses win. Because if they don’t, I’m not talking to you or Negan.”

“Phillip. Don’t be stupid. Don’t place the rest of your life in a children’s soccer game.”

They stared at each other, neither backing down. But then Phillip relented.

“I don’t trust you.” He said. “But I’ll think about it.”

“For what it’s worth,” Rick said, “I hope you guys win.”

“Why do you even care, really?” Phillip asked. 

‘Because,’ Rick thought, ‘It’s the only thing that’s going to save my life.’

“Because,” Rick sighed, “All our lives are worth something. I’ve seen too many people lose. I don’t want you to be one of them.”

“I…” Phillip looked out to the teams. 

“Isn’t it getting harder to live without talking about it?” Rick murmured. 

Phillip closed his eyes. “After this we’ll talk. Just leave me alone now.”

Rick nodded and left. 

“So,” Negan said, “What’s the verdict?”

“You’re going to talk to him.”

Negan took a deep breath. “Ok. Fine. Shit.”

“I know.” Rick said. “But he needs it bad.”

“I just never knew he was going through that.” Negan said.

The game was close, the teams were tied, and Rick was secretly praying that The Woodbury Walruses would win. It turns out that this was the first championship game without Phillip’s daughter, and he wanted him to win this so badly for her. But he couldn’t tell Negan that, he didn’t want to distract him with it. Negan had to coach. They both had to try as hard as they could. 

Rick concealed his joy when The Vampire Bats lost. Negan tried not to curse, but he was pissed. The girls were pissed. Dejection filled the air, but Rick saw Phillip smiling at him across the field. 

Rick smiled too. 

After the crowds had cleared, Phillip took a seat on the short bleachers and seemed to wait for them.

“Are you ready?” Rick asked.

“I guess so.” Negan said. 

They walked over and joined him.

“I think some congrats are in order.” Phillip smiled, looking up at Negan. 

“Congratulations.” Negan muttered. “Can I take a seat?”

“I’m not stopping you.” Phillip said. 

Rick took a seat a few feet away.

“You hanging around for whatever this is?” Phillip muttered.

“I’ll be here.” Rick said. “But this has nothing to do with me.”

“Sure.” Phillip said. “Well? Negan? I heard you had some fucking words of wisdom or something.”

Negan gave Rick an annoyed look. Rick returned with a look that said ‘you had better do this or I’ll kill you’, so Negan softened. 

“Look Phillip. I don’t really want to do this. But Rick is too much of a good person so here I am. I...I’m sorry I didn’t realize what you had…gone-

“Why would you know?” Phillip interrupted. “We’re not friends.”

“I know but I’m still part of the community.” Negan said. “Maybe I could have…”

“You couldn’t have done shit.” Phillip said. “Listen. The only person I needed then was my wife, but we just got torn apart over it...how did you and your wife not get torn apart?”

“I don’t know.” Negan said. “Fuck. We almost did. I can’t imagine if it was our kid that got sick. Hell, we probably wouldn’t have lasted very long at all.”

“She died of cancer right?” Phillip asked, taking out a cigarette and lighting it.

“Yeah she did. What happened to your daughter?” 

“Penny had cancer too.” Phillip said, exhaling a puff of gray and white smoke.

“I’m sorry.”

“I know.”

Negan sighed and rubbed his hands together. “What was it like? At the end?”

Phillip took another drag of his cigarette. “You know the really...messed up thing? Was that it wasn’t that hard. You see someone you love to the ends of the earth go through an illness, and it becomes easy to let them go. I mean. It’s still hard. It’s the hardest thing in the world, but you can’t fight a disease like that. So you have to let that go too. All you can do, really,  _ is _ let them go. When it gets terminal anyway.”

Rick watched Negan swallow. 

“What about you?”

“You know,” Negan said, “I feel the same way.”

Rick looked at Negan, his face, his hands, the way his body shifted. He realized that all this time he hadn’t heard what exactly had happened when Lucille died. Negan mentioned that he had just wanted her to pass away, quickly, at some random point. So that he wouldn’t have to drive there and watch her go. But it occurred to him that he actually didn’t know what had happened after all. 

“One day I woke up. And I just...knew.” Negan said. “She was expected a few more days but...there was something about that day. I just knew.”

Negan closed his eyes, Rick saw him hold his nose, trying to stop himself from tearing up.

“I...just fucking knew man.” Negan said. “And later I took that drive. All this time, all that fucking time, I had been so fucking terrified of that fucking drive. But when I took it...the sun was setting, and it was so fucking beautiful. And the weather was so warm it was…”

Negan shook his head.

“And the light from the sun was just shining down and through everywhere and everything and I just thought…I was scared of  _ this _ ? Of this? It felt like I was driving straight into heaven. Just for a short while. Just enough time to let her go and then drive back out.” 

“And she passed away that afternoon in my arms. And I said goodbye, and I felt all this...warmth. And I can’t fucking believe that I had actually wanted it to happen without me. How could I? How could have I even entertained the thought of wanting her to pass on by herself? It’s...crazy how easy it was. How right it felt. And I thank God that it happened the way it did. I’m so glad she wasn’t all alone.”

Negan wiped tears out of his eyes.

Phillip had tears too.

“I…” He said. “I had the same experience. We were there. We let her go...and it all felt right too but...after. After we were just destroyed.” 

Phillip put his head in his hands. “I’m glad she’s not suffering anymore but I don’t know how to escape it. I don’t know how to move on, or where to go from here. I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing. I’m dying. I’m dying too.”

“I was a mess after.” Negan said. “I was destructive. My life was falling apart. That’s when I met my Rick. And I just thought, fuck, I don’t want to live like this anymore.”

“I don’t.” Phillip said. “But I don’t know how to stop. I let her go but the pain stayed.”

“The pain is never going to go away.” Negan said. “It’s not. But it doesn’t have to consume you.”

“I just don’t know what I’m still here for.” Phillip murmured. 

“You’re still here for her. And for you. I thought my life was over. But Lucille wasn’t even the half of it.”

“I just…I feel like there’s this huge part of me that feels like if I acknowledge that Penny was only in my life for less than a decade, then somehow she won’t seem as important. Her time was such a brief chapter in my life. That’s the hardest part.”

“That’s not true.” Negan said. “Lucille was only in my life for the same amount of time, but acknowledging that doesn’t diminish the impact she’s had in the rest of my life. Or in my future. Your daughter is always going to be a part of your life. But you can’t give up the rest of your years for the sole reason that she won’t be in them physically.”

“It’s hard to see how anything good could come.” Phillip said quietly. “I just can’t see it.”

“I know. I couldn’t see it either.” Negan said. “But I promise it’s there. Phillip. Stop hurting yourself. You couldn’t control her fate. But you can control yours.”

Rick blinked. Negan was right. 

Rick couldn’t do anything for the people in his old life. He had to let their lives be their own. 

He just hoped he did have control of his own fate. 

“I never knew that you...went through this.” Phillip said. 

“I’m here for you.” Negan said. “I know we hate each other. But we can help each other. I did this. And so can you. I know that. Look, it’s all not gonna be fixed now just cause we talked. It’s going to take time. But I’m here.”

Phillip gave a weak laugh. “I really didn’t think this is how this conversation would go. But. I think I’m ready. I’m tired. I want my life to change. I can’t keep doing this.”

“I think you should call your wife.” Negan said.

“I think you’re right.” Phillip said. 

They walked to the parking lot. 

“Listen…” Phillip said. “Thanks. I don’t really know why this conversation even happened but, I’m happy it did.”

Negan nodded. 

“I’m glad you won today.” Negan said. 

Phillip smiled. “That was all her.”

“I’m sure it was.” Negan smiled back. 

“Cause you’re team is really fucking good. And we needed some divine intervention.”

They laughed. 

Phillip turned to Rick. “Thank you.” 

“Don’t mention it.” 

“Don’t follow me anymore.”

“You don’t have to worry about that.” Rick smiled. 

Phillip nodded and got into his car. 

Rick and Negan stood in the parking lot for a while, watching the sun go down. 

“I didn’t realize you had been there.” Rick said. “With her.”

“Yeah.” Negan sighed. “God I miss her. I used to kiss her right on the eye, where her eyelid met her eyebrow. I miss that. Those little things. And I miss him. But I love you. And I know I can’t control anything. So all I can do is miss them, and love you. And I’m happy with that.”

Rick swallowed hard. 

“How do you feel now that we took care of Phil?”

“I don’t know.” Rick said, tears behind his eyes. “I don’t feel anything.”

Negan turned Rick’s head towards him and kissed him. “You feel that?”

Rick smiled. “Yeah. Yeah I feel that.”

“Good.” Negan said, giving him a sweet and kind rabbit toothed grin. “It feels good getting to do that again. But it’s different this time.”

“Better or worse?” Rick smirked.

Negan smiled. “You know. I’m going to tell you, but it has to be between us.”

“Alright.” 

“My Rick was very soft and gentle. You’ve got a roughness to you.”

“Hm.” Rick said. 

He leaned up and kissed Negan again, this time with a deliberate softness. Dale had told him to remember who he was. So here he was, remembering. 

“Maybe not.” Negan said when Rick pulled away. “I just can’t figure you out Grimes.”

Rick smiled. “Well, here’s hoping we have a long time for you to ‘figure me out’.” 

“Hey, we finished the cards right?” Negan asked. 

“There’s still mine. The Fool.” Rick said. “And I have no idea what it means. Not until I talk to Dale.”

“Do you think he’s gonna be alright? Phillip?” Negan asked when they got into the car.

“Yeah. I do.” Rick said. 

“You’ve just come to rescue all your enemies, haven’t you Rick?” Negan asked.

“I guess I have.” Rick said. 

“The Devil, huh?” Negan grinned.

“Something like that.” Rick smirked.

“Tell you what. Why don’t I take you home and tonight we can, uh, talk about what exactly that entails.”

“Just drive.” Rick said. “We gotta relieve Maggie of Judy Duty.” 

“Hey, she hasn’t complained. She’s getting in her Mom Practice.”

“Just drive.”

“I am I am.” Negan said. “Doesn’t mean I can’t plan in fuckin’ advance.”

Rick smiled and grabbed a water bottle, uncapping it and taking a drink. 

“God it feels fucking good to finally fuck.” Negan said. 

Rick started to choke on the water, when the fear of drowning left, he was laughing. 

“What?!” Negan cried. “It’s fucking true.”

Rick laughed so hard he cried. 

“Yeah,” He wheezed, “It does.”

Negan laughed. “I’m just speaking the truth here.”

Rick grinned, and he felt a little too excited for that night. He wondered how long the butterflies would last now that his feelings were returned. He figured they’d be there for a long, long time.

Rick exhaled deeply, the smile still on his face. He looked over at Negan, who looked at him briefly before returning his gaze to the road. Rick drifted his hand over, and Negan looked down. 

Negan took his right hand off the steering wheel and laced his fingers with Rick’s. They held still, not letting go. 

Rick didn’t often place bets. He wasn’t that kind of person. Not really. But he felt confident about this one. He’d bet it all on it. That this was one of those happy moments. One of the ones the Other Rick had told them about.  

He’d bet Negan felt the same. 

Rick didn’t care what happened next. He didn’t let the uncertainty affect his mood. He wanted to enjoy this feeling, even if it only lasted as long as the drive home. He was fine with that. He took a deep breath, as if holding the moment inside, if only briefly.

He didn’t linger on the feeling too long though, wouldn’t jinx it. 

But Rick felt lucky. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay everyone!!!  
> RFAL is almost complete. My plan right now is two chapters and one epilogue, but that could change to one chapter and one epilogue, I'm honestly not sure yet. Whatever happens is what happens! We're near the end, but I'm saving all my thoughts on that until we get there. Thank you for reading, you guys are amazing.


	26. The Fool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the final chapter, before the epilogue. I don't want to leave a huge spiel there, because the note it ends on is the last thing I want you to read for this story. So I'll leave my huge spiel here, and also in the beginning as well. 
> 
> Thank you for reading this, all of you. This has been a journey of almost five months. And it could have never gotten this far without your constant support, and unnecessary kindness that you all show me. It all started as an angsty little thing. It was never supposed to turn into the spiritual crazy mess it became. But that's just me, so I should have expected it. 
> 
> I went through a lot personally during the writing of RFAL. Heavy stuff that has changed my life forever. But this was the catharsis in all of it. This was the place I could talk about it, and work through it. I will never be the same person I was when I started this fic in January. But I don't have to be. I can be someone new, and someone better. 
> 
> It's hard to let this fic go. It's hard to let this fic go with such a short update. Maybe more should have happened, maybe more fluffy bits with Negan should have been written, but at the same time, this wasn't Rick and Negan's story. Not really. This was Rick's story. And eventually I had to cut to the chase. So I hope this didn't disappoint. And if you REALLY need fluff, go read LLABC ;')
> 
> (Hell, there's still an epilogue, and I'll say now that it's my favorite thing I've written in my whole life, and I hope you enjoy it)
> 
> That said, this isn't the end! There IS still an epilogue, so PLEASE go read that right after this as a continuation of this chapter, because the story is not over yet. The epilogue and latter half of this chapter were actually written almost two months ago in April, it feels good to finally get to share them <3
> 
> And thank you again, because you guys changed my life. The support on this story has been unreal and completely unexpected. Thank you for giving me a place in this fandom. I love you.

It occurred to Rick one afternoon, not long after dealing with The Governor, that he was actually getting used to this life. It felt natural, right, and the memories of his past life were becoming just that. They no longer clung to the back of his mind, constantly scratching and whispering. They were quiet. For the time being.

Rick anticipated learning about his last card. The one that had to do with him. It had been a long road, and he was glad to finally reach the end of it, whatever that meant. But Negan was in love with him, and that was the deal, right? 

He thought about everything that had happened in the past months. And how much he now missed Beth. But she had her own life to live. He thought about fighting off the monster that chased the Other Rick, and about how all the times that he and Negan worked together, they were always victorious. And he thought about his children, and his second chance with them, and how he’d never take that for granted for as long as he was allowed to live.

Despite the terms and conditions that seemed to hover close above, life was quiet. It was peaceful. It was a complete change from the life that Rick had been used to. Even before the apocalypse things had been tumultuous with his family. Now they couldn’t be better. Rick’s early afternoons were spent with Negan, kissing softly, fingers tracing skin. 

“I don’t want you to go back to school.” Rick said. 

“I have to.” Negan said. “But what are you complaining about? You still have the rest of this school year and summer with me. By the time fall rolls around, you’ll be sick of me.”

“I don’t think I could be.” Rick murmured. 

“Bull-fucking-shit.” Negan said, a great big rabbit toothed grin nearly blinding Rick. “You can, and you will be.”

“We’ll see, I guess.”

“When do you think you’re going to talk to Dale about that last card?” Negan asked. 

He was always asking, always attentive, always worried. 

“I’m not sure.” Rick said. “I haven’t seen him around, whether that’s here or in a dream.”

“Have you had any dreams lately?”

“There was one.” Rick said. “About running in place.”

“What does that mean?”

“I don’t know yet.” Rick said. “But I think I will, sooner than later.”

“I feel like I’ve known you my whole life.” Negan said.

“That’s because you have. We both have.” Rick said.

“Maybe you’re right about that.” 

And he was, he and Negan were tethered together, no matter the time or the place, or in what way. Whether in the apocalypse, or in another neighborhood not much different than this one, hell, maybe even in space. They’d be together somehow. Rick knew that, and he accepted it. 

All Rick could think about from there on out was the card. Why was it so important? Why did any of the cards become a part of this in general? It didn’t make much sense to Rick, except for that old idea of him becoming a leader again. And in a way, it had worked. Rick did feel more like his old self, the self before _ his  _ Negan. But he felt like a better version of that self. And that was because of the Other Negan, the one he loved. Life was funny, that way.

It had been a full week since dealing with The Governor, and there still hadn’t been a sign of Dale. It was starting to worry Rick. He didn’t know if the countdown was still a thing, or if his life was still up in the air. Whatever was in charge still had control over Rick’s life whether he got Negan to love him or not. It could take everything away just because it wanted to. But Rick hoped that it had more of a heart than to do something like that. 

Then one day he saw Dale, sitting on that perfect unclaimed hill in those creaky white plastic lawn chairs. It was time to see what this was all about. 

Rick walked over and sat down, felt the chair sink beneath him. It seemed like forever ago that he had been sitting here last. Dale didn’t say anything, he just reached his hand over and gave Rick the card. 

“So what it is?” Rick asked. “What does it mean?”

“You haven’t figured it out for yourself?” Dale asked.

“No.” Rick said. “So just tell me. You owe me some transparency for once.”

“I guess I do.” Dale said. “Alright, Rick Grimes, The Fool.”

“Yeah, go on.”

“I watched you, back in your old life. I watched you face off against Negan. And I watched you brought out to die. And I thought it was all very unfair. And served no purpose. But I can’t stop that. So I did what I felt like was right, and I pulled you out and placed you in another life, where another version of you was about to die. And maybe I shouldn’t have done that, but I did. And I don’t regret it, even if you do, or did, at one time.”

“So it seems,” Dale continued, “That you were going to struggle with it more than I thought. And I really didn’t know what was going to happen to you. But I knew you could do it. I knew you could take this chance and run with it and make it work. And you did. I knew you had that inside you somewhere, even if you forgot where you left it so long ago.”

“What does that have to do with this though? Why the cards?”

“It’s true that you needed Negan to love you to stay.” Dale said. “Not how I would have designed it but, that’s just the truth. But you also needed to remember yourself too, and not just step in someone else’s life and play the part. You were a lost man, Rick. And now you’re found.”

“Then why am I The Fool, Dale?” Rick asked.

“The Fool is one of the most powerful cards.” Dale said. “It represents new beginnings, a new life, and potential far past your doubts. The Fool’s journey will take him through unknown lands, but if you trust fate, you won’t flounder.”

“Why would I trust fate?” Rick asked. “Isn’t that the thing that doesn’t want me here?”

“The Fool,” Dale continued, ignoring Rick, “Is paired with the number zero, the only card to do so. It’s rare and powerful. It can also mark the introduction of a new lover, but what do I know?”

“So it’s not bad.” Rick said.

“Every card has it’s positives and negatives, but no card is bad.” Dale said. “They’re a lot like people, sometimes.” 

Rick looked down at the card in his hand. “Am I staying?”

“I can’t answer that.”

“What, why?” 

“Because I don’t know for sure. I never know anything for sure. Do you?”

“No but. I figured you might have some more wisdom in that head of yours.” Rick muttered.

“Rick, you’ve been on a long journey. But the end isn’t always the end. Sometimes it’s just the beginning. You think it’s over, but it’s only just starting. You’ve helped a lot of people who really needed it. No matter what happens, you should feel good about the life you’ve lived.”

“But I don’t,” Rick sighed, “Not all of it. I feel good about the life I’ve lived here, but not back there.”

“You did the best you could.”

“But what if I didn’t? What if it didn’t have to be that way with Negan? What if-

“Rick, stop. You’re not going to change anything. It doesn’t do well to dwell on the past.”

“Are they going to be okay? Is my family going to be ok?”

“I can’t tell you that. You just have to remember what I’ve already told you.”

“To trust them.” Rick said.

“You’ve left them with enough.” Dale said.

“I hope you’re right. I wish I could have left them with that better version of me though.”

“I know you do.” Dale said softly. 

“So, this card is already complete then?” Rick asked.

“What do you think?”

“I think it is. I think I’ve helped myself.” Rick said. 

“Then it’s complete.”

Rick watched the grass wave in the wind, he looked over at Dale. 

“Why do I feel like I’m not going to see you much more?” He asked.

Dale smiled. “I’m here to help you move in. I think you’re pretty settled by now.”

“Maybe.” Rick said. “And I know things between us have been...strained...but I want to thank you. I don’t care what fate decides to do with me. I’m glad you brought me here. I’m glad I got to experience this, even if it’s just for a short while. The love I’ve known here...I didn’t know I could ever feel that again. And it’s enough. It’s been enough. So thank you.”

“And,” Rick said, “I hope you don’t get into too much trouble.”

“Don’t worry about me.” Dale said. “You just keep worrying about you.”

“I wouldn’t know how to stop.” Rick said.

Rick realized that this was goodbye, for now, but it didn’t feel sad, or difficult. Like everything lately, Rick’s goodbye to Dale felt right. 

Negan was sitting on the porch when Rick returned. He sat down next to him. 

“How did it go?”

“Good, I’ll tell you all about it later.” Rick said. 

Right now, he just wanted to enjoy this moment, and have it be normal, and not about fate or cards or other lives. 

“We’re going to be happy.” Rick said. “I don’t care how hard it is. We’re gonna be.”

“Well don’t you sound fuckin’ determined.” Negan said, taking Rick’s hand and holding it tight. 

“I am.” 

“You know,” Negan said, “I don’t really get why my life is so fucked up. But it brought three amazing people into my life. And I wouldn’t trade any of it. And it fucking sucks what’s happened to them, but they blessed my life being in it, and I’m fucking grateful that someone like me could experience that kind of love.”

Rick squeezed Negan’s hand. 

“And because of you,” Negan said, “The apocalypse could break out right now and I know I’d never turn into the Negan you knew. I know that for a fucking fact. Because of you.”

Rick looked into Negan’s eyes, brown, maybe a little green, and he wondered if he and his Negan’s paths had just crossed a little sooner, then maybe none of this would have ever happened. But he knew that would have never happened. It all occurred in exactly the order it was supposed to. For some reason Rick would never know. And if he did know, he’d never understand. 

“I love you so much.” Rick said.

“I love you too.” Negan said. 

“And I’m so glad that I was brought here as your Rick left. Because you’ve reminded me of the person I used to be, the person I thought was gone forever. Even if you never fell in love with me, I would have still been grateful for that.”

“Well, then consider my love an added perk, hotshot.” Negan said, giving a sweet rabbit toothed grin that at one time put the fear of God in Rick. But not anymore. 

Well, not always.

Rick closed his eyes, and then suddenly felt like the air was being knocked out of him. He opened his eyes wide, ripped his hand away from Negan, and put both hands to his throat, gasping. 

“RICK!” Negan cried, flying out of his seat and kneeling down. 

“I can’t…” Rick gasped, and then he was shivering. “I don’t know what’s happening to me.”

“You’re not fucking leaving me!” Negan growled, holding onto Rick’s shoulders. “You’re not!”

Rick wrapped two shaky arms around Negan’s neck, burying his face in his shoulder.

“Just stay with me.” Negan said. 

“I’m trying!” Rick cried. 

And then he felt his whole body disappear. 

Rick found himself in a field with tall, lush grass, growing in a vibrant green that didn't seem real. The sky was a rich bright blue, streaked with swift clouds. He had never been here before. Or maybe he had. In a dream. Where he was running in place. 

There was a tree in the middle, growing out of a small hill. Somehow it felt like the small hill in his neighborhood, but that was impossible. Rick sighed lightly, nothing was impossible anymore, huh?

And he saw someone standing by the tree in a shaded spot. Someone familiar. He felt his heart skip a beat. And then he walked over.

"Glenn..." Rick breathed as he approached the tree.

Glenn was bathed in a light, almost like it was radiating out of him. He smiled and draped his arms over the tree branch growing low out of the trunk. His hair was blowing gently in the spring breeze.

"If that's what you'd like to call me, you can." He smiled.

Rick stopped and rolled his eyes. "Don't tell me."

"Mmhmm. 'Fraid so."

Rick put his hands in his pockets and stared at the entity in front of him.

"You're not the same as that thing we destroyed are you?" Rick asked.

Glenn laughed. "No. Not in the slightest. But thank you for taking them out for me. They were causing a pretty huge disturbance."

Rick leaned into the tree trunk, only hanging a foot away from the whatever-it-was.

“What’s happened to me? Am I dead? Is that what this is?” Rick asked. “You finally take me away from Negan, just as it all seems like everything’s okay?”

But Glenn didn’t answer. Of course.

"So why do you look like Glenn?" Rick asked instead.

"To make it easier for you."

"Did you ask his permission?" Rick asked.

"Rick. If I asked humans before I did anything, you'd all be running the damn show."

"Anyone ever tell you you're a fucking asshole?" Rick asked, a small, defeated smirk on his face.

"Only all the time."

Rick took a deep breath.

"What are you? God? The Universe?"

"How about Fate?"

Rick sighed. "So you're in charge huh?"

"Hey," Glenn said, holding up his hands, "whoever said anything about being in charge?"

"I..." Rick furrowed his brow. "What?"

Glenn laid his arms back over the tree branch. "You think if I was the one really in charge I'd let a zombie apocalypse happen?"

"Then who..."

"Hey. Don't ask me. I just do my job."

"And what is that exactly?" Rick asked bitterly.

"I make sure everything works out the way it's supposed to." Glenn said.

Rick scoffed.

"What?" Glenn asked.

"More like, _ I _ try my fucking hardest to make sure it works out the way it's supposed to." Rick said. "Don't stand here and act like you did shit."

Glenn laughed. "Rick."

Rick looked at Fate, and they stared at each other for a moment.

"God fucking dammit." Rick muttered.

Glenn laughed again.

"Really?" Rick growled. "Really?"

"Fate works in mysterious ways." Glenn said in a singsong voice.

"You're telling me that all of this was planned from the start? I thought Dale fucked up. I thought..."

"Dale did fuck up. He did. But what do you think possessed him to do that?"

"I don't know. His overly good nature?" Rick asked.

"And who do you think gave him that overly good nature? And that tendency to think he knows best?"

Rick closed his eyes and groaned.

"I know. It's confusing." Glenn smiled. "I'm always a million steps ahead on the staircase, and you're always going to be too short to climb them and catch me."

"This was all destined, designed, by you? Why? Why make it so fucking complicated?"

"Look, it's not like I go around just killing people for fun. And the thing with that monster in the woods was not a part of my plan. That's just the nasty side effect of the world being comprised of all sorts of different energies. But the universe runs on a schedule, I'm just trying to make it all mean something. Sometimes that involves a lot of things you might consider pointless. But when you look back, it all had a meaning after all."

Rick stared at the grass blowing around him, eyes drifting to the crystal sky.

"And what is that? In your humble opinion?" Rick asked.

Glenn turned to look towards the scenery Rick was looking at.

"You were a broken man." He said. "And I know you didn't give up. But you didn't have it in you to keep going. At least. You thought you didn't. You were convinced that you were weak, that you couldn't move mountains anymore. That you were always going to lose. Every opportunity ripped out of your hands. You needed to be reminded of your strength."

"Really?" Rick laughed. "You couldn't have brought me here...I'm sorry, you couldn't have secretly made Dale a good person and then indirectly cause him to bring me here...and just let me rest?"

"No." Glenn smiled. "No."

"Why?" Rick groaned, hitting his head against the tree trunk and closing his eyes.

"Because. You're YOU. And you deserved to remember who you were. And what you were capable of. Of fighting. Of winning. And I know it seems cruel, but you went through this so that you could regain your strength, and so that you could find yourself after losing yourself. And to find love. Love doesn't hurt."

Rick opened his eyes and slid to the ground. Glenn joined him in the grass.

“So I’m not dying then.” Rick said.

Glenn didn’t answer. 

"You fucking knew it was all going to work out didn't you? You fucking knew. There was no clock. No hourglass."

"Ah. Maybe."

Rick turned and looked at the man next to him, who was giving him a signature guilty Glenn Rhee smile. It made Rick smile too.

"All that pain..." Rick sighed. "You'll forgive me if I don't exactly see the point of your master plan."

"It's okay. Not everybody does. But you might one day. You're a special guy Rick Grimes. I knew you could handle it."

"That's because you're already talking to someone else a hundred years from now. You've known what was going to happen to me a long long time ago. Isn't that right?"

"Yeah. That's right. But I don't think I'll be talking to someone a hundred years from now."

"Ohhh," Rick said, "Now I know I'm not  _ that  _ special."

"I don't have conversations like this everyday you know."

"So why talk to me? Out of everyone in all the universes who have been through what I've been through. Why am I the one that's sitting here with you now?"

Glenn looked at Rick. "Because I know you're going to take what's happening now and do great things with it."

“So I’m not dying.”

“No,” Glenn finally said, “You’re not. Sorry for the scare. I’m not as delicate as maybe you’d like me to be. You are, after all, becoming untangled from all your other lives.”

“The dream I had, about all the voices…”

“It’s why you could contact the Other Rick, and save him, you don’t own your life yet, Rick. You’re half in one world half in all the rest. But now you belong here, so yeah, it hurt a little. But you were just getting disconnected. Finally, right?”

“So I’m not going to have dreams like this anymore.”

“More than likely not.” 

"Are you gonna give me a fucking break then?" Rick asked.

"I'm not going to sit here and spoil your life." Glenn said. "So next question."

"Why does it hurt so much?" Rick asked, out of the blue.

"Because. It  _ mattered _ ."

"Why do we have to go through all this?"

"I can't control what life is. I didn't create it. Like I said. I'm just trying to make it all mean something. I know it nearly destroyed you. No one deserves it. But you rose out of it. And you're better than you were before, because of it."

Rick felt the cool grass in his hands. They sat in silence for awhile.

Rick thought about it all. About his entire life, his entire  _ lives _ . He even thought about Negan's life. How Negan had been through so much. Lost so much. He felt almost guilty that he was sitting here having a casual conversation with Fate when it was Negan who probably needed to hear it more.

“So you’re just letting Negan panic on our porch right now.”

“He’ll be fine.”

“It’s not fair, why am I here with you, when it should be him? He’s the one that needs to hear these things.”

Fate laughed lowly. “Oh Rick. He’s much stronger than you. He doesn’t need to talk to me.”

“Wow, thanks.”

“I’m just being honest. You don’t have to worry about him. He’s going to be fine. Because here’s what’s going to happen next, I’ll spoil just this one thing:

_ You’re going to be sent back to the porch. Negan will have tears in his eyes, but he’ll see you, and you’ll both hug, and kiss, and hug again. And you’ll both cry, and you’ll both be happy. And it’s going to be beautiful, and you’ll never forget it. Because for the both of you, it’s going to be one of those happy moments. _

“If I do say so myself, that is.” Glenn smirked. 

Rick closed his eyes. “I don’t understand everything.”

“And you never will.”

“But I don’t think I need to, either.” Rick said. “And I’m okay with that.”

He thought about what Fate had said. About him losing himself, and then finding himself again through the hardship. How he didn't deserve to go through that pain, but he did. Rick thought about the strength coursing through his veins and how he had been convinced it had been gone forever. And he felt stronger now than he ever did in his life. He smiled when he thought about returning and seeing Negan and his family. He almost laughed at how insane it had all been. But sitting on the hill, it didn't seem insane. It felt like it all made perfect sense now, and Rick found himself surprised that he didn't always know that.

Rick looked back out in the distance; deep blue skies and lush grass. He took a deep, deep breath.

"So." Rick said, stretching his legs into the grass.  "Everything's going to be alright then?"

"Rick," Glenn smiled, "Everything was  _ always  _ going to be alright."


	27. Antidote (Epilogue)

It’s a late afternoon in summer. Judith is out with Andre and a few of their friends. I worry. Andre just got his license and I know Judith is going to be asking me if she can get her permit already. I know Negan will want her to. He’s been wanting her to get behind the wheel of Lucille for a long time. He’s the reason I’m writing this now. He told me I should write it all down, he knows I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately, because the ten year anniversary just passed. That’s when I woke up. Ten years ago. I don’t know why, these days it feels like yesterday.

I’ve been having nightmares again. First time in forever. He holds me when I wake up from them. I’ve made him into a light sleeper. There’s still something young about him. It’s his humor. It’s kept him a child. He turned 60 recently but you wouldn’t believe it. You’d believe my age though, but I don’t take it too hard, don’t worry. I’ve lived two lives, after all. 

Carl stops by often. He’s got a job in Atlanta. A few years ago he reconnected with his old girlfriend Enid and they’ve been inseparable ever since. It’s his great love story. I’m happy for him. He reminds me of Glenn when I first met him way back when. Same age give or take. I see my friends everywhere, in everyone. Mostly I see them in myself. 

When I woke up this morning, I knew something was different. Something was coming. As I let that realization sink in around me, I took a moment before it could completely soak in the sheets. I watched Negan stir, and then he was grinning at me with those goddamn stupid rabbit teeth. I’m already smiling knowing he’s going to read this. Yeah, you. You and your stupid fucking rabbit toothed smile. Oh, and thanks for turning Judith into a sailor. 

Negan and I went for a hike. We always do on the weekends. We try to get Judith to come, but waking up early on a Saturday is out of the question. She’s been the queen of naps since I met her. What do you expect?

In a way, the forest feels a lot like home. I know it’s not, that that’s silly but, I spent a lot of time living in nature. I know how it moves. I’ve moved with it. It’s just a peaceful, recreational relationship now. That’s best for both of us. Less damage. 

We always walk the same path. It looks different every time. Negan agrees. But he often always agrees with me. Sometimes I’m in awe of the beauty of it all, simple things like the way the sun shines through the leaves of the trees. I catch him watching me though. I catch the look in his eyes. I no longer think of the Other Negan. Our lives are not tangled together anymore. We were separated when I became a permanent resident here. But that feels like a lie. 

As we walk on, something nags at me. It’s the thought from earlier. That something is going to happen today. Call it intuition. 

It happens suddenly. We’re walking alongside of a steep section of the woods, it climbs tall at the left of us. A meadow sprawls out to our right. You can’t see the top of the cliffside from here. 

We hear a woman shout, and we don’t see, but her body falls down the steep hill, hitting the boulders and trees until she’s a crumpled heap at our feet. 

We panic and rush over. 

I panic when I realize who it is. 

But she’s already gone. Head trauma, it would have to be. 

“Honey!” Negan shouts to her, he’s already holding her in his arms, trying to ease her awake. Trying to bring her back to life. 

But I know she’s gone. If I wasn’t kneeling there in shock, I might have remembered that odd feeling from earlier, and then I would have completely expected her eyes to flutter back open. 

She sees me first, and I watch her eyes scan mine as she recognizes the older version of myself in front of her. It helps that my hair and beard are the same. I’m a creature of habit. And Negan likes it. 

“Rick?” 

Her voice is soft and cracking, she’s figured out who I am despite the lines on my face. I know her too, despite the lines on hers. Not that there’s much. She was always beautiful. She hasn’t noticed Negan. She’s too fixated on me, convinced she’s looking at a ghost. 

“Am I in heaven?” She asks me. 

“No.” I say. “You’re not even dead.”

It’s abrupt. There’s a lot of explaining I’m going to have to do for her. I’m trying to prepare for it. But she finally notices she’s in someone’s arms and she turns her head to look. 

“Negan.”

It’s not a shout like I thought. It’s not a scream of fear or even disgust. It’s almost gentle. Almost. I can hear the contempt under it though. It’s small. But it’s there. 

I understand. 

He doesn’t know her. He looks up at me, he’s confused but he’s not. He knows where she’s from. He’s looking to me to tell him. 

“Sasha.” I finally say. 

Negan sets her down and she sits up, we’re all in the grass now. She holds her head for a moment. 

“What’s happening? Where am I?” 

I take a deep breath. I launch into the story. She listens. She believes. She accepts what I have to say about Negan. It’s a relief. I guess I explain it well enough. I can tell she’s nervous about the Other Sasha. She’s out here in the woods, at this point it seems like she was alone. She doesn’t know where she lives now or what she does. I realize I was lucky. I tell her we’ll figure it out.

Finally it’s my turn to ask her the questions. 

“What happened after I died?” I ask. It hangs in the air for a moment. I get worried it’s going to be swept away on the wind. Ten years. I’ve lived without knowing for ten years. In this moment, I don’t know how I’m going to live any more of them if I don’t know. 

She tells me.

“After you died…” She trails off for a second. She’s remembering it. I see it replaying in her eyes. It’s hard to watch. 

“Your death was a catalyst.”

I dip my head for a second and give a tired laugh. After all these years I still can’t absolve the guilt of my decisions as leader. “You don’t have to make me feel better.” I say. 

She looks at me confused. “Rick. It was.” She lets out a laugh of her own like she can’t believe I don’t know this. “People talk about you. Learn about you. Don’t you know who you are?”

“No.” I say. Because I don’t. I don’t know the ghost of me that’s lived in Sasha’s world the past ten years. I’ve been afraid to. 

“After you died we fought back. Hard.” She glances at Negan. “We won.”

“Did you kill Negan?” I ask. Something lurches in me before I remind myself it’s a different man. 

But is it? 

“No.” She says. And I hate that I feel relief. “We did what we felt you would have done.”

They imprisoned him. It amazes me, because it is what I would have done. But what really amazes me is that they would have wanted to follow my lead, especially after I was gone. I thought they all would have hated me to the point of wanting to do everything differently. But they don't.

“We do what we feel you would do.” She says. “That’s how we live.”

I feel like I’m going to fall inwards when a hand holds onto my shoulder. Negan. I haven’t moved a muscle yet, but somehow he knows when I want to slip. 

“What…” I want to ask so many things. But Sasha knows where to go next. 

“We have community, Rick.” she says. “We have society.” 

There’s an emotion in her voice, she’s close to crying, but it sounds like joy. 

“It took us a long time after the war. But we did it. We’ve rebuilt. People don’t die like they did. We have a long way to go still but...the world is reconnecting. Our efforts have nearly expanded the country. It won’t be long now.”

There’s a spark in her eyes as she tells me this. She’s proud. And I can see she hopes I understand what she’s saying. I do. 

“Judith is almost 13.” 

A sob escapes my throat out of nowhere. 

“Carl lives at Hilltop. He’s planning on leading when Maggie retires. He has a child with Enid.”

I want to stop the tears. They embarrass me for some reason. But I can't.

“His name is Rick.” She smiles wide when she says it. I cry harder because I thought maybe Carl hated me too. Negan’s hand is off my shoulder and entwined with mine now. He holds onto it like I’m going to fall through the earth. 

“All the kids ask Carl about you.” She still smiles, there are tears in her eyes. “You’re like a legend. When Aaron travels the country, people as far as Nevada ask about you.” 

It never occurred to me that any of us were a part of a history. History had died when the outbreak started. No one was writing it down. Apparently, some were. I guess that’s also a big reason why I’m writing this down too. If I knew all that, would I have made the same decisions? It’s not worth thinking about. I did what I did. Somehow it helped. 

“Did anyone else…” It’s hard for me to ask. 

“No.”

I have a hard time believing what I heard. 

“...No?” I look at her and scan her eyes for the truth. But she’s already spoken it. 

“No one else died.” She says, and she almost can’t believe it either. “We made it out alive. All of us. It’s because of you. I know that. It’s because of you. They all know it too.”

Her words seep into my skin and run chills through my nerves. I close my eyes. It’s too much. I tremble. Negan’s hand holds tighter. 

“How did you…” My words are whispers, I can’t finish. 

She smiles gently. “Cancer.”

I feel Negan’s hand tense, but he doesn’t say anything. 

“Not much we can do about that.” She says. She’s still smiling. She reminds me of the Other Rick now, peaceful and okay with the world. I’m glad she has a new life, though I feel for the Other Sasha.

She tells me about Maggie, about her son Hershel, she tells me about Michonne, who still leads Alexandria. Judith calls her mom. It breaks me and rebuilds me inside all at once. I think Sasha wants to tell me that Michonne has someone, but she doesn’t. I don’t ask though. It’s not necessary. She tells me about everyone else. What they’re doing. Who has kids. Who’s moved away. Sasha says she never involved herself with anyone after Abraham. She had a lot of work to do. But she has no regrets about her life. I find I’m excited for her next one. She’s still young. There is still time. For all sorts of things. 

I think she can see in my eyes all the years I’ve been tormented by not knowing. I think she sees my guilt spilling out of me. But I pull together and ask her more about Negan. I want to know. 

“He…” She looks at Negan now, there’s something amused about her expression. “He’s with us.”

I stammer words, incoherent and confused. She explains. 

“He was in our jail for a long time. Years. Eventually we needed him to stop a threat. We thought a lot about all the things we’ve done. Should we be jailed too? After that we formed a trust, then a bond. It’s not perfect. It’s messy, it’s weird. But we all have to heal out of this. That was our thought.” 

But Negan’s in the history now, she tells me. He lives in a small house in a community called Concord. Kids sometimes catch him outside doing yardwork. They ask about it. He tells them. Always. Lucille is long buried. 

“Carl finds him at your grave a lot. Even to this day.”

I think about Carl and Negan, showing up to my grave at the same moment. What do they talk about? 

“He goes to Concord sometimes. Carl.” She looks at me like she doesn’t exactly understand why. But I do. We’re connected across lifetimes. I want to tell her it’s simple. Carl can feel in his soul that the man that killed me is one of his fathers. But I keep it to myself. 

We talk more. I tell her we have plenty of time though. We finally stand, and a voice shouts behind us. 

“Sasha! There you are girl!” 

She’s looking right at me when she hears the voice. She says a lot to me in that second. 

_ Really?  _ Her eyes plead. 

_ Yes. _ Mine smile. 

_ You’re not kidding? _

_ No.  _

_ This is real? _

_ I’m afraid so.  _

She turns around as Abraham reaches us. Her arms shake and she collapses into him. He’s shocked, he looks at us and I can tell he’s confused before a memory of a Physical Therapy patient flashes in his mind. 

“She fell.” I say. “But she’s alright.”

“I’m more than alright.” Sasha laughs and cries, and she’s holding onto Abraham so tight I don’t think even fate disguised as Glenn could pull them apart. But it brought them together, so that’s where my confidence comes from. 

We give her our contact info, and I can tell Abraham and Sasha both are going to be entering my life again. Negan and I walk away. 

He holds my hand. We reach a bench in the shade and sit down. He’s got his hand on my neck and he’s kissing me like it’s for the first time. One of those soft meaningful kisses that’s more like a conversation. Everything he’s ever wanted to say in one neat motion. He loves me. He loves where I come from. He loves what I am. He loves what I mean. I know this is one of those happy moments. I kiss back, and he can taste the words I want to say as well. It’s everything. It’s ten years. It’s waking up, it’s ice skating, it’s bowling, it’s crying, it’s pining. It’s the forest and the field, it’s everyone, it’s us. It’s the sum of our lives. 

I love him. I love where he comes from. I love what he is. And I love what he means. 

The forest buzzes and stirs, but there are no monsters in it. They were defeated a long time ago. 

I think about the man in Concord. Alone. Sitting on his stoop at the edge of the town as the sun goes down. I wonder if he feels the warmth of summer on his skin. I wonder if he finds those happy moments. I can see the guilt on his face. I can see the blood on his hands. He’s convinced he can’t get the spots out. I want to tell him. He can. But maybe he doesn’t want to. Maybe he wants to be reminded of it. 

I see him doing yardwork. He thinks of nothing. He thinks of everything. He thinks of me.

I want him to know. 

I think of him too.

I see him sharing what happened. I see him being honest about it. There were many wars. But the one with the tiger and the baseball bat in barbed wire intrigue most. And the one with Rick Grimes, apparently.

Then I see him going inside. His empty house. His empty bed. He lies on his back in the summer night with the windows open. He closes his eyes. I know he sees my face. Maybe he cries. He cries because he has to stay and be who he is. It’s his punishment. Even if he’s ready for another life. 

My imagination gets the better of me. I’m there now in Concord. My feet are bare so that I can feel the short grass. I walk up the path of his house. It’s just dirt. My skin feels the rough age of the wood porch, it's a short little thing only a foot off the ground. I walk in because he never locks the door. 

He’s there on the bed. The summer heat has died down as the sun leaves. He sits up and looks at me. I’m there standing over him. He cries again.

He cries for a long time, but he doesn’t try to say anything. He doesn’t have to. 

Besides, it’s me who came to talk. 

I want to tell him everything. Everything I’ve ever learned and felt. But it doesn’t come out. 

I can only think of one thing to say to the man who killed me. Somehow it sums it up. I open my mouth. The words don’t come out at first. Until they do. And I almost want to run forward and fall onto the bed in his arms. I almost want to tell him that we could have had it all if he had just made different choices. But I know it’s a two way street, and I made choices that separated us too. Two people standing on either side of the double yellow, unable to cross in this lifetime. 

Maybe somewhere out there we're sitting on that old wood porch together, watching the sun set in the field on the edge of town. 

I leave Concord. I know he’s still there on the bed. I know he knows which Negan he is. He’s the one that made the wrong choices. He knows it. But I know he’s thinking about what I told him when I stood there. It's what I told the other Negan so long ago, so I tell this to my Negan now. He's still my Negan, whether I want him to be or not.

He’s thinking about it long into the cool summer night. He’s thinking about it as dawn arrives and the sound of birds echoes through his old house. I hope it brings him peace. 

My words don’t ring in his ears. It’s softer than that. They speak quietly. They hold his hand. They curl up inside his heart like a small black cat. 

But most of all. They heal. 

Seven words that could have been spoken in a kiss.  

But weren’t.

“It’s not always gonna hurt like this.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ♥


End file.
